New Year

I was going to do what I did last year and post my iTunes top 100 list but in all honesty it hasn't changed greatly so I decided not to.
However, my current top song is Micro Cuts by Muse with 126 plays and last year's top 2 - Hysteria by Muse and That Golden Rule have only moved down 1 space each.

I'm also not going to do a year in review but to put it briefly, it's been a mixed year with some memorable moments so I'll list them at least:
- My dad finding out I'm gay
- Coming out to Melly, Josh and Bryan
- Going to Reading and Leeds festival with Bryan.

I've not posted about him really since because I've come to my senses really. I've accepted the situation with him where I struggled to accept it earlier this year but I'm glad I have now. It's behind me and I've moved on. (though I still wouldn't say no if he were to suddenly turn gay...)

It's been a year of achievements in a sense, I'd say but it hasn't been easy by any stretch of the imagination and I wish I could look ahead and say next year will be but it probably won't.

University, family stuff, friends changing, actually getting and job and properly facing the big, bad world for the first time. Sure, I bet there'll be some highlights as well but tough times are ahead I'm sure.

But hey, this could be the last year on earth for any of us so I'll try to make the best of what I have and I hope you do as well. So thanks for sticking with me this year and may you have a Happy New Year! Enjoy it, it could be the last one you celebrate :P

See you next year.


Rowan <3

Thank You

I was in a bad way writing my last post, that much is obvious I think, but just to assure you I do feel better now.
I even managed to watch It's a Wonderful Life and Die Hard that evening!
Though I thought I should at least say thanks for all the comments I received after my post, on Christmas Eve, and those that came spilling through on Christmas Day.
They all helped me keep going, and made me feel better. Not lying at all when I say that.

The day itself was a quiet one. Opened presents about noon, uncle came over for dinner. We actually had Chinese, we're always been far from traditionalists. I didn't have much of an appetite though, just a heavy cold and an overall glumness which I tried my best to hide.
I've a feeling my brother picked up on it actually as he was always trying to crack some jokes with me and I warmed to them after a few beers and a little whiskey so fair play to him.
When my uncle left, my dad, brother and I put on a Billy Connolly DVD that we got earlier which was good for a while but I had such a sore head that I feel asleep.

It was a pretty uneventful day tbh, accompanied by a sore head and a downbeat mood but I got through it so once again, thanks to you all. It was a pretty personal post, my last, and your comments were all appreciated.

Now just to get through New Year...

I kid, I kid.

Though there are rumours that Nicholas is having a party and tbh, i'd much prefer that. I've never spent a New Year solely with friends. And with Nicholas, that would mean being drunk as well. Another way in which I haven't spent a New Year.
Not going to lie, I think getting drunk with friends would do me a world of good right now so I'm hoping this party does happen!

What!? It's New Year. Everyone gets drunk! :P


Rowan <3

The Nightmare Before Christmas

Don't know how to start this but I'll just say what I'm thinking.

As you know, last Christmas day, I came out to my mum. I felt quite forced to and I certainly didn't plan on it. Thankfully, she took it well and then a few months later my dad found out as well.

You see... I'm going to be entirely honest. I don't think I would have survived this year if the events of last Christmas and what ensued in the following months happened as they did.

I felt under so much pressure. I just felt I couldn't keep all these secrets hidden any longer because they were eating away at me so i am glad, now, that i did come out last Christmas.

If I kept all these things I've revealed to my parents secret, I believe I would have ended my own life this year. I just wouldn't have been able to live with it all anymore.

And right now, in fact, within the past hour these thoughts have entered my head and it's really difficult stuff to think about. I thought it might just be because i'm tired but no, it's not.

My whole thought process is overwhelming me right now. I wouldn't be here if llast Christmas didn't happen.

It didn't happen as I'd have liked but it did still happen and it lead to me being able to tell my mum and dad more. Ok, we don't have regular deep discussions but there were a few skeletons in the closet that I had to let them know and coming out was the first step on that rocky road.

This has been a confusing, mixed and emotional year. I don't even know if I have it in me to watch Die Hard tonight! (although watching a movie might take my mind off things)
There's just too much going on in my head. I just honestly want to go to sleep and wake up in a few days time.

A few other things are on my mind since my brain has gone into overdrive. What if i feel like this every Christmas?
I don't want to. I don't want to be this big Christmas hating guy. Yes, I can't enjoy it like a child can anymore but i still want to be able to enjoy it.
I don't think that's the case though. What happened last year did end the "true" Christmas for me. It died.
I didn't only come out but I learnt the truths that my mum and dad honestly don't like Christmas and I understand why now. People reasons. People not being here, not being able to share it with loved ones who have passed away.
Christmas did die for me last year and i'm really sad about it.

Also, combined with the realisation that my existence depended on last year, my other realisation is tht this is probably the last Christmas I'll get to share with my whole family.

Dad's already told me and my brother he can't live in the house any longer and is moving out in the new year.

I hate thinking about all this stuff but it's all true and it's just hit me like a fucking train. So next year, I won't be able to share it with my loved ones as I'd like and knowing that is tough to deal with.

Tomorrow is going to be hard day. It kills me to say that but it is.

I know I've not posted a lot lately but I really felt the need to tonight and it's helped a little getting it all out there. I've been truthful because I'd only feel worse if i hadn't been.

You don't have to reply, or comment, or worry about me. Next day or two won't be easy but I'll be ok and I'll post again before New Year. I just hope I haven't got anyone's Christmas cheer and spirit down. I just had to post this to help me feel better that is all.
And to anyone who has taken the time to read this, and to those who haven't of course - to everyone - i hope you have a good Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Rowan <3

Scottish Equal Marriage

It's good to see Scotland seems to be making a genuine attempt at equal marriage. PinkNews has been covering this for the past few months but this week published a few articles saying that you can have your own say on the matter which is pretty damn awesome.

I quite often vote on things when given the chance to such as preventing the Ugandan anti-gay laws, and most recently the Russian anti-gay law as well. I wouldn't hesitate to so it was a no-brainer when given the chance to vote for this.

The petition can be found here (http://www.equalmarriage.org.uk/) and I'm posting because obviously I'd like you to take a minute or so to fill it in - in support, no doubt! I'm pretty sure anyone in the UK can vote on it, not sure about folk from abroad but why not give it a bash?

David Cameron has said that his party supports same-sex marriage but still hasn't done much about it so imagine if Scotland got the ball rolling. I think he'd be embarrassed that Scotland bet him to it :P

Let's face it, Scotland and the Tories don't quite get on. 

But it isn't about getting one over on the Tories (that's just a bonus) it's about two people who love each other being allowed the right to marry. Why should that be denied?

I could argue for a while but I'd only be arguing for the sake of it. There's no valid reason that same-sex couples shouldn't get married and it gives me hope that Scotland seems to have a majority who support that notion :)

Rowan <3


P.S I did mean to post this a few days ago - the petition only runs until tomorrow morning!

Live Performance

Yesterday night I performed live in front of an audience for the first time in my life and I loved it :D

It was for our music class coz our teacher has this thing about the final exam being more a performance than an exam. Therefore, if we perform live we will be more used to it by the exam. I'm not complaining. It means we get more time to play as a class which I really enjoy.

Advanced Music honestly is just like being part of one big band of really talented musicians. It's easily the best subject I've ever taken in high school. We actually call it Advanced Bant (banter) because we don't really do any work, we just chat, have a laugh and play music.

Anyhow, we performed as a class to about 300 people yesterday. It was before the school's annual fashion show which wouldn't usually have a band playing as pre-show entertainment but it was to raise money for people going to Africa next year and to experience playing live.

There are, of course, people in the class who have performed live many times before but for a number of us it was the first time and I'm among them.

I played bass by the way, which I do for most songs we play in class since I like to think I play well and am pretty comfortable playing bass :P

Yet, I got quite nervous before going on. Someone earlier in the day said only about 50 tickets had been sold but there was a near full attendance of about 300-400 people.

Once we got playing though, I was fine. We've performed these songs non-stop over the past few weeks and I brought my own bass and amp so I felt quite at home, in a sense.

Since it was pre-show entertainment, we only performed a handful of songs. The setlist was:

Walk of Life - Dire Straits
5 Years Time - Noah and the Whale
Free - Nina Simone
Fix You - Coldplay
One and Only - Adele
Fairytale of New York - The Pogues

Walk of Life was a great opener and easy to play (for me) so I settled in nicely. I'd say we played it flawlessly, too.
5 Years Time was a bit messy i think but it's difficult to play it live as we tend to always speed up. Plus, the crowd wasn't great. A bit ignorant if i'm honest but by the same token, they probably didn't even know we would be playing and they were there for the fashion show. But still.
Free went well. About all I can say.
I was nervous for Fix You since I have a solo at the start (which is usually played on an organ I think) and I know I messed a bit of it up but no one else seemed to realise :P
One and Only was probably my favourite of the night since the girl who sings it has a great voice and the bass part is really fun... and coz Adele is brilliant xD
Obviously Fairytale was great, but then, it always is!

So there you have it. My first ever live performance \o/
Apart from a few little mistakes and an average crowd, I'd say it was a great first experience and I honestly can't wait to play again.
It hopefully won't be too long until that opportunity presents itself again. During the last week of term, we hope to be performing to each of the school's year groups so there might even be five shows in a week of about 10 songs each!
Looking forward to it.

But the big one is in February/March where we'll be putting on our own show, over 2 nights I believe, and will do about 20 songs. That will be something else because we can use the lights as we wish and we'll get a proper sound engineer in - we didn't have any of that yesterday so if last night was pretty good, this will probably be even better!

I'm glad the people I talked to who are used to performing were right. They told me I'd love it and the nerves would disappear after a minute or so and they were damn right. It was a great evening, and a great start to December after a pretty disappointing November if i'm honest. Perhaps up there with one of the best days of the year so far and that's saying something.


Rowan <3


P.S About the film group video I was in. I'm not entirely sure if the video will go on Youtube or anything. The reason being is that there are people under 16 in it so the guy who takes the group is hesitant to put it online. If that's why then i'm afraid there's not much I can do but either way, if i'm honest, I don't know if I want to post a photo or video of myself. I haven't so far. I'm a bit shy about how I look so i'm surprised at myself for ever volunteering to be in the video in the first place.

Thought I'd fill you in since a few people were asking ^^
Sorry if anyone finds that disappointing.