It stays fresh in my mind and i expect it will until the day i die. I even remember the exact day and time. T'was a Sunday, and i typed the words on msn at 3:55pm.
Anyone find that sad?
Well, maybe not coz it was a big fecking step for me so i guess it's only right that i remember a lot about it. That step, i think, gave me courage. Since, i've been more confident about it, most particularly in school. Im not out of course but its certainly no secret that i have no problem with gays and even a few friends probably suspect i am as well. These friends being the new friends that i took the decision to socialise with because their views and opinions matched mine a lot better than my old group's ever did.
Oh, and my mum knows too, of course :P
But none of it would have happened if i never told Lauren last year, and would also never have happened if she wasn't so awesome about it :D
Thank you so much Lauren, you're brilliant and im honestly so happy and proud (and lucky) you're my cousin, but im sure you already knew that ;)
I think for some people, certain dates on the calendar stick out and i think January 31st will be one of them for me. It was my first step out of the closet, and hopefully the first of many happy steps. The 2nd went well enough about a month ago but the time between them was awfully long. 11 months.
It'll be interesting to see how long the next one will be, not that im gonna set out to try and better the record or anything haha
About 3 or 4 years ago there was a period where i had bad dreams quite regularly. I used to have like 3 or 4 a week but they eventually disappeared. Since then, yeh ive had bad dreams from time to time but none like the one i had last night.
It wasnt like a horror show with lots of people getting killed or anything but it was just really bad, for me anyway.
It was quite a short dream, as most are, but it was certainly enought to upset me.
Basically, i was in a shop, i think it was a card shop but i dont know for sure. This dream also happened to take place in the future, maybe about 10 years from now. Id say in my dream i was in my late 20's.
So anyway, i was picking out cards for something and then Bryan randomly walks up to me, also in his late 20's, however still looking as he does right now.
From the chat, it was apparant we hadn't seen each other since we left school. We just chatted a bit and i said something like, "Nice seeing you again, i gotta get these cards" and at that point a guy walks up to Bryan, takes his hand, kisses him and says, "Oh there you are, honey"
Bryan looks at me and says, "Oh, this is my partner, we're engaged" (perhaps gay marriage had been legalised by this time, idk) I just smiled weakly and said, "cool" and with that, they both walked out of the shop, hand in hand.
I then proceeded to break down in the middle of the shop, crying my eyes out and then someone else in the shop kicked me in the face. This was when the real me woke up... also crying.
I hate how dreams can fuck with your head like that, especially really early in the morning. I must have woke up about 4am and thanks to that, i wasn't getting back to sleep. So the state i was in pushed my mind further and made me think, what if it was a premonition? What if i do find out Bryan is gay in the future after never knowing the whole way through high school? What if i missed my opportunity? and so on and so forth...
I was in quite a state.
But Friday is my good day, or usually is. My subjects get progressively better throughout the day and effectively, the day ends at noon coz its only double music after lunch. I also always go out to lunch with Bryan every Friday and play guitar with him in double music, so on Friday afternoons he is effectively mine! :P
But it just didn't feel the same after that dream today.
I wish life was like Fable (xbox 360 game), basically you can highlight anybody walking around in the streets, find their personality traits, what they like, dislike, and their sexual orientation. Some might say that isnt a good thing, but in the Fable world, sexual orientation isn't an issue (and gay marriage is legal :P)
I just think that would make things a whole lot easier if you could find that out about someone just by looking at them or something. Would make things a lot less confusing, and id also know if there was any point in pursuing Bryan at all, but i dont.
I've said before, i dont think he's gay but he's possibly bi and even that might just be me getting my hopes up. Trust me, ive done a lot of thinking over the subject but the thing i cant stop thinking about is Bryan himself.
It also sucks that there are only a handful of these awesome Friday afternoons left. From what ive seen, it will be very unlikely that Bryan is in any of my classes at all next year, we dont seem to be picking the same subjects, so i might not see him a lot for much longer. And after next year, the big, bad world imposes itself where i certainly wont be seeing much of him at all.
Time is running out and the exams are getting closer and after that... less Bryan. I like being with him but i hate how much i think about him, it leads me to having bad dreams like the one i had. Perhaps i should welcome the coming changes?
I don't know, im confuzzled at the moment. I really am.
I wanted to maybe keep this for my 200th post (this is 187) but i thought why should i wait?
You see, i don't really consider my blog to be "daily" anymore. It probably hasn't ever been, i would say. And this current name has also been floating around since the first day i created my blog.
I even made a second blog using this name but decided against it, so ive changed this blog from "Daily Doings" to "Rowan's Room"
It's still the same blog, still the same everything, essentially. Im not changing the background, nor the URL (simply coz everyone on their blogs would also have to change it, so why the hassle?) or anything.
The only thing i have changed is that my email address is back in the sidebar :)
So there's some change for ya. Hope it doesn't come as too much of a shock ;)
Anyhoo, as for current events. Mum returned on Sunday evening but really wasn't up for long enough before going to bed. Btw, don't picture that as she just came right in and went straight to bed, it just wasn't the right time to talk to her.
I did this morning, briefly.
I asked how London was and she replied "good"
I probably sounded over suspicious asking, "Get up too much?" but she just replied "no."
But then i pushed it further, "Why did you really go down?" and she goes, "to see someone"
"I seen your dad wasn't working so i decided to have a few days off, like a little holiday, if even that"
Yeh, as you do. "Someone". Well, "someone"... doesn't sound great to me. Surely, the trip was more important than just going down to see "someone" Call me paranoid but that just doesn't sound good to me, can't even name the person she went down to see.
"It's nothing sinister" she tried to assure but whatever. I don't want to know any more.
Today, in general, was an average day. I was kinda nervous going into english to see Bryan with his new haircut coz i'd been thinking that i maybe i was only interested in him coz he had awesome hair (how shallow would that have been?) but that was disproved, he still looks hot as ever to me :)
And his hair isn't even awfully short. Plus, he's got a little ear stud xD
I noticed it coz i sit behind him in english and i was thinking to myself, "Is that... holy crap it's an ear stud!"
I asked him about it and he said he had it since he was like 4 (which rings a bell actually, i think he'd told me that once before) but he hasn't been wearing it recently.
Its so cute tho, i love it haha, i told him it looked cool, and so does his hair... :$
I also got a very good school report and im on track to achieve 5 A's in my exams this year. Yeah... pressure much?
I think i can A french and spanish for definite, probably music. Media... depends on the day i think but english im not so sure about. It's certainly the subject i have to work hardest at. Perhaps its coz i just stare at Bryan all lesson and dont concentrate on my work, like last year in English with Alan lol (what am i like?)
So, yeh, the heat's been turned up at school.
Also, and i know you'll tell me to shut up after you read this, but i had another chance to at least say i was bi today. I always walk to the train station with Kev and a girl called Susan. It's great fun, Kev, as you know, is bi, and Susan really doesnt care who's gay and who isn't.
Anyway, Kev wasnt there today but Rob was, funnily enough, and we got to the train station, just started talking about randoms and Rob always does this thing where he pretends to kiss me and Susan went, "Maybe you should check if he's gay first?" and looks at me inquisitively.
I said nothing tho, again. But im annoyed coz i know it wouldnt be a big deal, to just say something like "You're half right" and there you go. (I still wouldnt chance being openly gay)
Half of me wanted to say it but the other half kept it in. Maybe another day? :P
I said this was an average day but i suppose, in reflection, it was quite eventful. Whaddya know!?
Hope you like the changes, everyone!
Rowan <3
This is quite a poppy song and not something i would have thought id listen to, but as someone in the comments section of this vid says, "if franz ferdinand and the whitestripes/raconeteurs had a child this would be it"
So true, great song. Give it a go!
This week has been a dreadfully long one, i can't even begin to describe.
Just simply been full of... shit i.e tests, homework, the lot, the usual stuff.
Wednesday was an exceptionally low day, had all of the above times about... 4. Not just that but mum and dad had one of the biggest arguments in recent memory. It was without doubt, my worst day of the year so far :/
While today was relatively quiet in comparison, it still wasn't great. I was expecting my weekly EMA but didn't receive it for some reason, but worst of all when i get home i hear that mum is heading off to London for the weekend.
Make of that what you will but i can certainly add 2 and 2 together.
I asked about it before she went. Asked if anything was wrong, if she was going to see family or anything and she got really uptight and defensive, "I'll go where i like thank you, none of your business" kinda horseshit.
So yeah, she's in London doing fuck knows what and has left us here with very little notice. I'm sorry but thats fucking selfish. Yeah, she has her own life and can do what she likes but come on, lets be realistic here. It's just not right.
Also, if she isn't seeing family, who the fuck is she seeing?
Actually, fuck it id rather not know but its all fucked up either way. Mum can honestly be so selfish sometimes and it's really not fair on my dad, he works his ass off and tries his best every bloody day and then this happens. I really feel sorry him a lot, what more can the man do?
If he went away for a weekend there would be total uproar but mum can just waltz off when and wherever the hell she wants?
Maybe im not in the right position to say this but im really pissed off with her and very upset by all this.
I'll certainly be taking the issue up with her whenever the fuck she decides to return.
Just wanna punch something right now. Horrible few days.
Rowan <3
PS As if to add insult to injury, Bryan is getting his lovely, lovely, cute hair cut tomorrow :(
It was in repsonse to a video i posted on somebody's profile and that's the respsonse i got :(
I've never heard anyone say those words, i've never seen them written down somewhere, i've never seen them typed but a great sadness came over me when i did.
The video i posted was a very famous video, a very famous rock video. A defining moment of magic for rock music by one of the greatest artists of all time.
Hendrix covered The Star Spangled Banner in 1969 at Woodstock (as if you didn't know) as a protest against the war in Vietnam. Some would say it was simply a cover but no, it was a protest.
How?
Listen to the song. The sounds Jimi creates with his guitar is not just out of key, jarbled nonsense, it's a lot more.
It's the chaos of war, its the missiles being fired, its the sound of deafening sirens, its the masses of helpless people screaming, its the horror of innocent children's faces being ripped off by napalm bombs and then for someone to say they can't stand Hendrix... that's heart-breaking.
I didn't plan to post about this but i feel i must.
I think ive said before on this blog somewhere, but in case i haven't and just think i have... I have never seen Star Wars.
But that was until about 30 minutes ago.
I know its rather unforgivable that im 16 and only now, have i seen them all. You must think i had such a deprived childhood... If going by this then i guess, in some respects, i did, but neither my mum or dad were big fans so i was never introduced to Star Wars BUT (big but) i knew all the characters, really, as well as the plots, the storylines, pretty much everything except from actually watching the films from start to finish - id seen bits of some.
Well, Ive just finished watching Revenge of the Sith, the third in the saga and it all started last week when i commanded myself to watch Star Wars. I downloaded them all off Rapidshare (sssshhhhhhh) and i watched the originals last weekend and the prequels today.
Obviously, the prequels don't compare to the originals but Revenge of the Sith really was good. My personal favourite was actually A New Hope but thats only going by 1 viewing of each film so my judgement could change.
But the truth is, thats just one of the many films ive never seen. You see, i have a disgraceful list of films that, disgracefully, i have never seen. Disgraceful, right?
Star Wars was in it till today but there are many others. Back to the Future has knocked Star Wars off the top right now but its the same story again - I know the plot, the characters etc, i just havent watched it. Same as It's A Wonderful Life, amongst others.
So yeah, i have a lot of films i need to watch but for now, im just glad Star Wars isn't amongst them :)
Don't be swayed by the dark side, even if they do have cookies xD
Over the past couple of days, ive been going over this post and making sure it reads properly as ive been working out my most played 100 songs of 2010. Im doing it really coz i love my music - personally, i think the world would be dead without music and honestly, i consider it as very important in my life - so i like making little lists like the one below.
This is only according to iTunes tho, which is not the only place i listen to music so it isnt entirely accurate, but its the nearest thing to it i suppose. iTunes always has little hitches and glitches that alters final readings, too, so throughout a year, things can get messed up.
Also, the fact that only 7 different bands appears on the whole list is probably because when i like a band... i REALLY like a band :P
Oh yeah, my collection of cds has grown throughout the year so not every song on my iTunes has been there from the start. Bands like The Beatles, White Stripes, Rage, Klaxons, System of a Down arent really on the list coz they're a few of many bands ive started listening to this year.
^The above was a precaution before everyone says i listen to Muse too much :P
I havent actually listened to them much recently tbh but as a warning, there will be a lot of songs on this list you've probably never heard of but how and ever here it is, starting at 100 -
100. Wave Upon Wave Upon Wave - Biffy Clyro (47 plays)
99. Convex, Concave - Biffy Clyro (47 plays)
98. Mind's Eye - Wolfmother (48 plays)
97. Darkshines - Muse (48 plays)
96. Now I'm Everyone - Biffy Clyro (48 plays)
95. Dead Star - Muse (49 plays)
94. Eradicate the Doubt - Biffy Clyro (49 plays)
93. Sundial - Wolfmother (50 plays)
92. Muscle Museum - Muse (50 plays)
91. Assassin - Muse (50 plays)
90. Invincible - Muse (50 plays)
89. Fury - Muse (50 plays)
88. Pause It And Turn It Up/Tradition Feed - Biffy Clyro (50 plays)
87. Know Your Enemy - Rage Against the Machine (51 plays)
86. Bullet In The Head - Rage Against the Machine (51 plays)
85. Sunburn - Muse (51 plays)
84. Sky Demon - Biffy Clyro (51 plays)
83. Born On a Horse - Biffy Clyro (51 plays)
82. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds - The Beatles (51 plays)
81. Dimension - Wolfmother (52 plays)
80. In The Morning - Wolfmother (52 plays)
79. Back Round - Wolfmother (53 plays)
78. Killing In The Name - Rage Against the Machine (53 plays)
33. People of the Sun - Rage Against the Machine (67 plays)
32. Guiding Light - Muse (68 plays)
31. Blackout - Muse (68 plays)
30. Screenager - Muse (69 plays)
29. Endlessly - Muse (69 plays)
28. Uprising - Muse (70 plays)
27. Hyper Music - Muse (70 plays)
26. Cosmic Egg - Wolfmother (71 plays)
25. Ruled By Secrecy - Muse (71 plays)
24. 57 - Biffy Clyro (71 plays)
23. Megalomania - Muse (72 plays)
22. MK Ultra - Muse (73 plays)
21. Far Away - Wolfmother (74 plays)
20. Citizen Erased - Muse (74 plays)
19. Take a Bow - Muse (74 plays)
18. Stockholm Syndrome - Muse (74 plays)
17. Micro Cuts - Muse (75 plays)
16. Many of Horror - Biffy Clyro (75 plays)
15. White Feather - Wolfmother (76 plays)
14. Who's Got a Match? - Biffy Clyro (76 plays)
13. There’s No Such Thing As A Jaggy Snake - Biffy Clyro (76 plays)
12. Vagabond - Wolfmother (77 plays)
11. The Captain - Biffy Clyro (77 plays)
10. Shock Shock - Biffy Clyro (79 plays)
9. White Unicorn - Wolfmother (80 plays)
8. Tales - Wolfmother (83 plays)
7. In The Castle - Wolfmother (85 plays)
6. Undisclosed Desires - Muse (86 plays)
5. Space Dementia - Muse (86 plays)
4. Glitter And Trauma - Biffy Clyro (87 plays)
3. Bliss - Muse (95 plays)
^Im in that crowd somewhere :P
1= Hysteria - Muse (96 plays) + That Golden Rule - Biffy Clyro (96 plays)
^And im in there somewhere too
So there you have it. You've probaly gotten bored by seeing Muse, Biffy Clyro and Wolfmother dominating the list so i can only hope that this time next year, the results are a little more varied :P
I'm 19 years old and am a raging homosexual... yes I'm gay :P
This blog is simply where i can throw down thoughts, musings, frustrations... comical genius... (?) But through this blog I also hope to help anyone who is scared, confused, unsure or in need of some place to feel better about themselves :)
