Halloween Party

I'm not usually one for going to parties, mainly coz i know what they're like according to other people but i agreed to this one last night coz i knew there would be a lot of people i knew well and who weren't drinking.

And also coz it was Halloween ^^

(I went as a priest, ironically)


The night on the whole was ok but i found it pretty uncomfortable tbh. There was lots more drink than i ever thought there was going to be, bout 50 people went and at least half of them were drunk after a few hours. I had a cider and 2 beers. Kept it under control :P

Anyhoo, after people started getting a little more than tipsy, everybody was really flirty with each other and honestly, girls were pretty much just whoring themselves out to everyone. For me, it was really uncomfortable so i tried to avoid that best i could and find some fellow sobers!

It was actually quite a shock seeing some people drunk, coz i've never seen them like that before. Alex really surprised me, he got pretty drunk and was just making out with this girl all night, hardly seen him at all. He went as a punk, and pulled it off quite well tbh, bet that chick enjoyed it...

The only really memorable thing for me was a big sing a long to Bohemian Rhapsody. That honestly was like the only highlight. I don't see myself going to many more parties in the future, not after that.


That's really all i wanted to post about. I have a lot of respect for the people who didn't get drunk coz truthfully, some people were a disgrace last night and i didn't like it at all.

Us teenagers, eh?


Rowan <3

"That's So Straight"

Im thinking of starting to say that more often :P

Or perhaps, on a broader spectrum "That's so sexual orientation", as suggested by Lauren.


It's just... i hear the term "gay" used all the fucking time at school and it annoys the hell out of me. Yes, i do get quite offended by it (obviously i can't say i am tho) but i have read many a comments section where i have seen arguments for both why people are and aren't offended by it - This also coming from people who are gay saying they aren't offended, and some even use the term themselves.

Personally, i don't see why a gay person wouldn't be offended by it. It's a pejorative term, a diminutive, something that is used to describe "bad" or when something has just went wrong ("oh that was totally gay")
When i hear it, i hear it as someone calling homosexuality and gays, bad and wrong.

I don't think it's right.

You hear it used on television too, in the mainstream media, which of course has such an influence over young people. But i seen a comment at some point, somewhere saying this, "People shouldn't use it, it would make as much sense to call something "black"... "That's so black". Doesn't make sense. Today, you are a lot less likely to hear the word "nigger" used on tv, maybe in some movies, but somehow "gay" "fag" etc. have become widespread terms"

I thought this was a good point, when was the last time you heard someone call something "black" (in a negative way like gay is) ?

Never. Coz it doesn't make sense, neither does "gay"

But here's the thing, some people don't use the term in a deregatory manner.


I bring this up coz i was walking to the train after school today with Alex and one of his friends who i kinda get on with and we were all talking about something, can't quite remember what and Alex's friends came out with the ol' "Yeh, totally gay"

Usually, i ignore it but this time i went "Yeh, really sexual orientation" in a very sarcastic way.

And it was Alex who picked up on this (i think he's noted i don't use the term and don't like other people using it)

He said, "When people say that, or well, when i say it, i don't mean it to be offensive"

His friend agreed, and he continued "It's just the way language has evolved you know, it used to mean jolly/ happy but now it means what it does"

Then he expanded "I don't have a problem with homosexuals. I just don't think it's... normal"

I raised my eyebrows.

"Well, it's not. You're cock shouldn't go up that way"

"According to who? According to what?" I enquired, some air of new found bravery had somehow came over me.

"...Life" he answered, strangely.

Damn, i was expecting him to say "bible" then i would have had a field day :P

The conversation just petered out after that and they went back to discussing what they were before.


But i thought it was quite interesting to hear Alex's opinion on the matter, coz i've never been entirely sure. Still not that i would think of coming out to him or anything but it was a new thing learned.

I want to pose the question to you though. Gay/straight/bi/whoever can answer this.

Is it right to call something/someone gay? Are you offended by it?


My answer is yes. Clearly, for some people, they may not associate it with having connotations of homosexuality (some say that over time it has been losing such meaning) but without a doubt the term started with those connotations in mind, and that's what annoys me when i hear someone say it.

Obviously, calling someone a "fag" or a "poof" has meanings tied in with being gay but the word "gay" itself, some would argue does not mean what it once did.

However, i believe if you reinforce the idea that "gay" is the same as saying "stupid" then you support the idea of bigotry and hate yourself.

I'm actually going to make a poll about this coz im really interested to hear what people think, would also like to see what people think in comments too ;)

Milkboys done a post on it as well, the comments section is worth a look - http://blog.milkboys.org/article/thats-so-gay/ (#9, #27 and #28 are probably where i got some of my arguments above from)


And lastly, homophobia is gay.


Rowan <3

Coming Together

After what i thought would be a tricky week it actually turned out to be ok.

I was worried coz im pretty much on friendly terms with everyone right now and i didn't know which way to go; back to my old friends or stick with my new ones.

In the end i opted for the latter. It was a gamble but it seems to have paid off.

I'm not in the "in crowd" yet, if you want to call it such. By that i mean, most people are totally open to, and often do, hug each other. I have no problem with this, i would like to be the same but obviously this group has been very close for like the past 3/4 years so i can't just barge in and demand hugs! :P

It'll take some time before i am part of all that, or perhaps i maybe won't at all, and i've just got to accept that i suppose. They've all been nice enough to take me in, can't be wanting for too much more.



I think it's lovely tho, a real friendship thing, not something that would ever occur with the people i had been hanging about with. Basically any male-to-male contact was seen as "gay" but not here.

And speaking of which, i've a little something to tell that made me really happy. Well not the first bit but afterwards:

On... Wednesday in music there were two guys sitting behind me and they were pretending to give each other massages. This class usually has a load of banter for 5 minutes while the teacher is in class, preparing, before the lesson properly starts.

So she looked up at the guys sitting behind me and said, "You two stop it, it's a bit gay"

I was VERY annoyed that she said this, obviously, but a little surprised coz i know for a fact that she isn't even a Catholic (indeed, atheist) and is also one of the school's more friendly teachers.

Anyhoo, she said it, and i said nothing of course but Rose (who, if you missed my last few posts, is lesbian) shouted out "That's homophobic Miss!" in a sort of way that i couldn't tell if she was serious or not. She said it with a sort of shocked tone but at the same time, as if she was just taking the mick. (Her and the teacher often take the mick with each other) She was drowned out anyway by the rattle and hum of the class, and the laughter at what the teacher had just said.

The day after that, i was sitting with Rose at lunch and she brought the subject up again and i knew this time she had some level of seriousness about her, she said "I still can't believe Miss said that"

I thought why the hell not and said, "I know it was disgraceful, she shouldn't be allowed to get away with stuff like that"

"Catholic school, what you going to do?"

And then a big long conversation evolved about Catholic schools and the likes and it was epic! We agreed on like everything and i said basically whatever was on my mind without getting shot down by someone else.

Guys, it made me so happy :')

Still annoyed with my music teacher but what it lead to... awesome stuff.


So to return to my original point. I've had a quite a long think about it and i think i would be a madman to go and hang about with the people i used to. Sure, most of them are decent but not in the same respect as people like Rose, and others. I would see it as a step down if i were to go back.

This week also made me realise that i will see Alex and Louis et al as well, they're in a few of my classes and Alex gets the same train as me to and from school. Louis hangs around as well at times.

I don't know how, and when i seen some comments saying "can't you hang out with both?" I was thinking "No, not really" but i was wrong, it seems i can and things look to be coming together on the whole friend front now.

Quite pleasing i must say :)


Rowan <3



(posting this coz i'm really loving it right now and also coz it was Lennon's birthday earlier this month, the 9th)



P.S Any good suggestions for Halloween coz i'm totally stuck :P Anything would be great, cheers!

Wear Purple in Memory of US Gay Teen Suicides

I only found out last night at about 11pm that today, 20th, people around the world would wear purple in memory of the recent suicides by gay teens in the US.

As soon as i read it i frantically began searching my wardrobe but soon discovered i own no purple clothes :(

Wish they could have picked a different colour, literally any other colour off the flag would have been do-able but purple was picked because it represents "Spirit".

I made up for it best i could tho... I used a purple pen all day in school, when i wasn't wearing it, i clipped it onto my school blazer which is another thing i don't usually wear. It's kind of a marroon colour, not purple at all i guess, but the closest i had to purple so i wore it all day, when normally i wouldn't have.

Even if i did have anything purple i couldn't have worn it coz obviously, my school has a uniform but i would have changed into it of course, afterwards.

It's kinda useless for me now but those in the US, its still early-ish so if you can, try and wear something purple!

These deaths are needless, tragic, and painful to read about (cant think of what its like for those involved) so the best we can do for now is commemorate them in anyway we can.

That's for now of course, but obviously, things have got to change. I don't know how, but homophobia amongst young people is still rife and it's what is has killed these teens who are unsure of themselves, questioning, and hear everyday that what they have no choice in, is wrong when it most certainly isn't.

I hate to be pessimistic but i doubt this is the last death we will hear of. Things have changed, and will continue change, heck even starting today with the ban on Don't Ask, Don't Tell in the US military. It's progress. It doesn't affect teens as such but for the LGBT community as a whole, it's a victory. One of many.

I'm getting on my high horse now and feel like a preacher :P

But really, to return to the original topic, try and do something. If you're religious... light a candle at church. I don't know what time of they year priests wear purple garments but im thinking it would be quite funny if it were now. Join them, start wearing purple!


Rowan <3


Here's some gypsy punk music, it's been my song of the day :)

Wow...umm... Okay

As I thought I would, I did not go back back to hang out with Louis, Alex, Alan and the likes. Instead I went opted for the "new" group.

Idk why, but i just feel drawn to there. I feel that if i went back a whole big thing would be made out of it and i might even lose friends from this new group. I really don't want that, especially after what i learnt today...

I learnt it at lunch, after interval i decided that i didn't feel awkward, that things were actually ok coz Louis, Alex and a few others are in quite a number of my classes so it's not like i will never talk to them. Anyhoo, that's how i felt so i had lunch with the new folk and this is where i learnt what kinda surprised me.

I say kinda coz i think i knew but i never actually knew for sure. Everyone else does but yeh, a girl in this group, Rose, is a lesbian :)

As i said, i thought i knew from what i've heard and i've overheard her talking about stuff but today i was sitting with her along with one of my older friends (dunno if you remember...) El. And they were just chatting away and i was with them and Rose said, "Yeah, i made out with this girl on Saturday but then she didn't want to talk to me after that" then she joked "It's not easy being a lesbian!"

That's when i knew for sure, so i was like \o/

I gathered myself and actually realised that she doesn't take crap about it off anyone, at least, i've never seen or known her to receive any kind of abuse, so i asked her "Do people not give you shit about being a lesbian...are they scared of you? *insert chuckle*"
"Well a few people used give me shit a couple of years ago but everyone's just kinda stopped caring"

I smiled at this point and i think she noticed, she asked why i asked and i just replied that being in a high school of all places, things might have been said to her but she confirmed that they haven't, for a few years at least.

Then the conversation between the three of us got a bit more explicit, lol, and she was talking about when she done stuff with another girl, and she wasn't bragging, she has people to back this up (don't ask me how) and then El pipes up, "That's one thing i've never understood about lesbians, how do they fuck?"

I literally lol'd and she said "With toys of course, silly"

Anyhoo, i'll leave it there, more was said but i think now is a good time to stop xD


I was totally chuffed when that fact was confirmed for me today, Rose being a lesbian. So, yes an out lesbian is accepted in my friends group and nobody gives her hassle. How awesome is that!? And in a Catholic high school of all places!
It gives me hope even though i don't ever see myself being out in high school... but who knows.

I was also invited to a Halloween party today and most people in the group are going. I've never been a big one for Halloween but this seemed like a good idea so i said i'd go, just gotta think of what to go *as*

Oh dear :P

So on the whole, things panned out quite well today. I was a little unsure this morning but now i feel a bit more comfortable as to where i belong. I wouldn't say I'm completely assured but for now, things seemed somewhat settled and i'm content enough with that.


Rowan <3


lol first ever tag/label as "lesbian"

Past Week or Two of Non-Activity

Interrupting this unannounced blogger break just to chat about what's been going on over the past two weeks i haven't posted in.

For the past week, it's been the October break, or "half term" as it might elsewhere be known. Quite funny that i've received my full EMA allowance for only 4 days attendance in 2 weeks but it's been pretty lazy to be honest. I've had a few days out with friends and what not, and that's mainly what i want to talk about.

Over the past week, i've went out 3 times. Twice we went to play football, and yesterday we went to Laser Tag, and dressed up in suits ^^ Yep, suits. It was International Suit Day on Wednesday and i missed it so yesterday was a reprise. Running around in suits, shooting people with laser guns. It was great fun but it's left me thinking...

You see, i went with friends from my "old" group of friends instead of with my "new" group.

I've made up mostly with everyone, even Steven to some extent, but i still haven't hung around with them socially, in school, since i disbanded myself about a month ago now. And that's where the trouble lies, i don't want to just go to this new group for a few weeks then bugger off back and pretend nothing happened. They would feel used and i would seem fickle.

And what's more is i like them. I don't know them all *really* well but i would say i know them fairly well and most of them are very kind, caring, more accepting - certainly more so than people from the "old" group - which is why i went there in the frist place but outwith school i haven't hung out with them much.

The fact i haven't seen them over the October holildays but i've went out with people from my "old" group on 3 separate occasions says something, i think.
I think it says I am still better friends with people from "old" rather than "new" group. Alex, Louis, Alan et al.
To be honest, i don't even hate Steven, i'll be glad to see him go, but truthfully he is just an annoyance. He says things that can just make my blood boil and calls things and people "gay" with virtually every other sentence.
This is something i thought would deisappear slightly with the new folk but it hasn't really, seems calling things "gay" is just universal. However, for example, if they knew i was gay they would certainly be more accepting than people from the "old" group. Hell, there is even a girl, Bella, who is totally anti-homophobic and really kind. She openly says she loves gay people.

I just see it as having this opportunity to hang out with more mature and understanding people and i don't want to be left regretting that chance but at the same time, i don't want to leave some good, old friends like Alex and Louis behind.

I like most of the people from both groups and I sorta feel like on Monday I'm going to have to choose who im going to go and hang with and it's really fucking tough. If i really think about it, i would say i feel more inclined to go back to my old friends, especially after yesterday's absolutely brilliant day.

It's a lot to think about and for the past week it's been driving me up the wall. I wish i could explain it to maybe one person from each group. Probably Alex, but i dunno who from the other group.

And one last problem is that people from both groups rarely mix with each other so it's not really something that can be fixed by dividing my time up with different people.

New Group --------------- Rowan --------------- Old Group

Friendships, huh? Jeeeeez :/


Elsewhere, Liverpool FC are crap, "Grandma" Knitter has gotten ill and school is back in tomorrow. Great.


Rowan <3

Bit o' Good news, Bit o' "Bad" News

But which first? O_O


Good news i think, coz it wont make sense if i start with the bad.

Righty, so i can't remember if i mentioned this or not but at the start of the school year i signed up to get a little something something called EMA - Education Maintenance Allowance.

Basically, i am entitled to 30 pounds a week providing i don't miss any school. It's taken a few weeks to sort everything out and get paperwork sorted etc. but this morning it finally came through in my bank account :D

(which i can access online btw :P)

It was also backdated for the full 6 weeks i've been at school so far, so i received 180 pounds in one go!

They say money doesn't bring happiness but i havent been happier all week.


So yes, i have that set up, with fortnightly deposits into my newly acquired bank account. I'm also going to get that updated so i can get a debit card and i can have my own amazon account etc. Gonna be real epic. Becoming quite independent, me :)

Another thing this EMA entitles me to is *drum roll*... CONTACT FUCKING LENSES!!!

But that's the bad news.

They cost. A fair bit. 34 pounds a month to be precise.

It varies tho. 34 for daily contacts but like 18 pound for fortnightly and 10 pound for monthlies. I would get them instead but you need to be so damn hygenic with them (not tht im not) but i would just forget and end up with some crazy eye infection probably. Also, if you lose one, you're screwed for a month :/

Dailies are most expensive but better. C'est la vie.

On top of that, i now need to pay for my lunch at school, school material and sports subscription on tv - all stuff that my mum and dad used to pay for.

I done my maths (no, i really did) and it works out that, each month, i will only really receive half of what i probably would have without all that stuff, bout 60 quid.

That's the bad news from my point of view but you all probably think i'm crazy coz i still get a fair amount of money. It bugs me coz everyone else who gets EMA gets to spend the full lot and i only really get half. Just shows, it really does pay to have 20/20 vision. Damn you lucky bastards who do!!!

The contacts have been fun btw. Not. Lol, they're a total pain but i'm getting better. Everyone i know who wears them can like put them in with their feet without a mirror :P

Still takes me about 5 minutes to get them in while using a mirror. And then there's folks who say that they never actually have to take their contacts out! Wtf!? That would save me a shit load of money if i could do tht! Idk...

Better than specs tho. Manky things.


Suppose EMA has been just about the only interesting thing to happen to me the past few weeks. Not much has changed with regards to school itself. Still hanging around with my new circle of friends. Most people at the table want me back (not bragging lol) and even those who fell out with me, and Steven, have tried to make it up with me and apologise.

I couldn't give a shiny shit tbh.

I'll talk with them if i must but i don't plan on going back and hanging out with them. I'm fine to leave it there, ta very much.


Oh, lastly. Almost forgot. I got Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Finally \o/

Needless to say, it's simply magical but how many holes are there in Blackburn, Lancashire?

Answer: 4000, and i think i must have been living in one of them for the past 16 years of my life!!!


Rowan <3