I came out!!!

Yes, really, i did!

Well, it was to one person only on MSN but it feels so great!

It was to my loving cousin, who i have mentioned a few times before.
These past couple of days made me realise "Why should i hide myself any longer"

So....i told my cousin, who we shall call....L
(can't think of something else right now)

I've talked about having a blog to her before but told her i can't show her it. That was the way our converastion started out today and it gradually built up and at 15:55:03, January 31st 2010 i came out properly to someone for the first time!

I was so nervous, it was building up and i got to the point where i knew i couldn't back out of it, i was shaking like crazy but i did it!

And L was fine with it!
She said she wasn't bothered and it wouldn't change how she thinks of me.

I'm just glad i've finally told somebody i actually know.
It's great getting support from all types of people on blogger here but unfotunately, i dont think i'll ever meet any of you.

L, i know you'll eventually read this.

YOU'RE GREAT!!!


Here's the conversation that took place but be warned it's quite long :

L - hello

Me - Hello

L - i havent spoken to you for agees
how're you?

Me - i know, ive been off of this email address using another to talk to
somebody else, im good

L - ohhh

Me - sorry bout that
its the adress i use for that blog i have

L - ah i see :)
thats okay
i want to start keeping my blog again
the wordpress one
Im so indecisive between blogs

Me - my post today was my 50th

L - wow
dont make me jealous by saying that because i cant see it :P

Me - i'd like to show you it, but i dunno what you would think

L - I could promise to be objective?
Is that the right word?
probably not

Me - i dunno

L - What I mean was
'I could promise to read it but not actually think about anything that
you've said'
I'm sure theres a word for that
but i dont know =]
you dont have to ^^

Me - i know i dont have to but....meh
I talk about things on there that you probably have never heard me
talk about
and i know your nice enough to not be judgemental but im still
hesitant over it

L - I understand that
I've privated some of my stuff on blogs before

Me - let's put it this way, if anyone from my school or any of my friends
found my blog, i would be dead

L - thats why i privated some of mine :L
you can if you want to but i wont force you ^^

Me - im still brewing over it

L - alright =]

Me - *sigh*
this is tough

L - would it help if i promise not to ask you anything about what you write?

Me - nah im not bothered bout that really

L - oh =]

Me - well, is there any questions tha spring to mind right now?

L - noope

Me - ok
i know you're a lot more mature and understanding than most people in
my school but i dunno

L - its okay =]

Me - well if i'm to let you see the blog, you would have to know something
first
(this is where i know i can't go back)

L - okay

Me - it's also a secret

L - its alright =]

Me - *secret telling smilie*
(deep breath)

i am gay

L - as in seriously?

Me - well, yeh

L - okay

Me - i'm sorry, maybe i shouldnt have said anything

L - i'm not bothered either way

Me - really?

L - nope i dont see why i should be

Me - i just hope it doesnt change anything or make uthink differently of me

L - no

Me - i'm shaking :$

L - Either or I'm not bothered

Me - thats nice to hear, it's just your the only i think i can trust with
that information
i know you tend not to judge

L - I really dooont mind

Me - thank you, i was so nervous, i still am a bit
but can it remain between us?

L - yep

Me - thanks,you're a great person you know that

L - Its no bother

Me - im glad we're family

L - thats alright

Me - and im not gonna force you to read my blog if you dont want to

L - could i please?

Me - Yep
http://www.dailyodoings.blogspot.com/ - you might wanna avod some of
he links atthe side tho, they probably aren't quite your taste :P

L - alright
have to go now =]
ill read it later

Me - ok
thanks for everything

L - It's alright =]

Me - you honestly are amazing

L - its nothing
speak later
byee xx

Me - thanks, bye


--------------------------------

and there you have it.

Tbh honest i had been planning it for a while.
But i didn't know it would be today, i didn't set today out to do it, it was just the way the converastion went.

And L, i thank you for being so understanding and such a great cousin =]


The events of today have just rounded off such a great week. Never thought i would say that about Prelims :P


But this is the first of many steps and hopefully the first of many happy steps.




I feel accepted.

Week Recap (50th post!!!)

50th post woo!

:P

This week for me was, as expected very busy, eventful and amazing!

Don't worry, i'll explain.


Tbh, it wasn't as busy as i expected it to be, it was busy enough but i still had the time to come on the computer etc.
But i thought i would leave it all for one big post.

So, on Monday i had my first prelim.
In Music.
Had to get there early so me and Alex arranged for his mum and my dad to taxi us to school each day coz the bus can be unreliable sometimes.

But the Music prelim wasnt really a proper test. It was more like, "Let's just get this out the road, eh?"
So, i did my test working on a hardback book resting on a xylophone :P
As i said, not really a test.

But i learned most the stuff and from the attitude the teacher took, we all did fine.

Good times. :)


Tuesday brought about French.
This is where it started, Music was like a preparation to settle into the week but French was full on.
Not that i had any problems as it is one of my best (although disliked) subjects. Found no problems with the reading paper, listening paper or my writing piece.
The listening was the toughest really, but nothing major, so all good in the French department.

Spanish on Wednesday was the same. One of my best but hated subjects and i don't think anything went wrong.

Thursday and Friday were the most challenging days tho. They saw the prelims in Modern Studies and English, if you don't study for them, you're in trouble.
So Wednesday and Thursday night i studied like a madman.
And it is difficult to gauge how well i think i did in both.
You can tell with languages but you can't really with these two.

They both pretty much consisted of writing for 2 hours non-stop, that was quite something!
I finished both papers which is good but i doubt i got full marks or anything.
Modies looked at subjects like British Parliament *yawn*, Crime and Law in Society and American Culture so i needed to know my stuff there and i answered all the questions but i still dunno how the results will be.

English consisted of writing two essays. One Prose (a novel) and one a poem.
My prose was Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde (i book i find i can very much relate with) and my poem was To a Mouse by Scottish poet Robert Burns. *yawn*

Jekyll and Hyde essay went very well i think, wrote non-stop. But i was a bit more hesitant on To a Mouse and i think i started rambling a bit. (Like right now :P)

But anyway, in terms of tests last week, they went very well.
Although on Friday i woke up feeling dreadful but i knew i had to go into my Prelim so i grinned and beared it. Went home straight after and went to bed. I'm better now tho.


Well thats all for school and tests but there's something else that made my week very exciting.


Thats to say, the Discussion Page on "A Rent-Boy Named..."

It started on January 18th actually.

On the FAQ page, a poster named JJ started having a discussion with one of the site's most known readers...G.


I didn't think anything of it first (i wasn't spying on them lol, i usually read most comments posted)
But then JJ revealed he was 13, and everything halted.


13. Wow.

I thought i was the youngest RB reader! lol.

Nah, thats not it.

G suggested they move to the discussion page and this is where i disappeared for a few days for studying.
I returned to find G asking on the page if i would like to talk to JJ, and of course, i obliged.
This was after some misunderstandings between people but then it sorted itself out.

The reason for my last post was to let JJ get my email address and i was delighted when i got an email from him.
The whole reason for these emails was that JJ was able to ask me questions tht he didn't want to ask adults.
And boy did he ask!
I'm not the best person for asking advice but i think i did myself proud on answering JJ's questions.
He said i explained as well as G! And if you know what G sometimes says then wow!
That made my day when he said that.

So the emails went back and forth for a couple of days last week and i suggested MSN to him, which he didn't really know about but then his....special friend, (M, we shall call him) helped him out and i stayed upto 3AM on Saturday morning talking.
But man, it was worth it. JJ and M are great guys.
That doesn't even say enough.

They are special.

They have found each other at such a young age, and they both know that each other is gay and i don't doubt that they will have many years together.
So i was talking to them again last night and got a little teary thinking about alot of things.

That is - With all the hatred in the world, all the killing and wars, if there is a God, how can he let that happen?
But then you see something like these two boys finding each other in a small town and it makes you happy. You thank God for things like that i guess.
It made me happy anyway. The relationship between the two is just....phenomenal. I hope it never ends.

It makes me happy that they have found each other coz they can be open as they like.
And at the same time, it makes me sad coz i don't have anyone like that i can speak to.

But one day, i will move away from where i live in now. (it's not too bad, but i don't really like where i live)
And go somewhere else.
I've always thought about returning to California coz i remember it well from when i went there on holiday....

Anyway, that's a wrap people.

Thank you if you have read this far, i know i have typed a lot.

Cheers,
Rowan


This song sums up my week in a nutshell. It's a lovely song and fits perfectly with the week i had.
Hope you like it.

My email address

This post is just so anyone wishing to contact me for the next while knows where to find me.
Also, i suspect that one certain person may be looking for the email so i'll post it here, not a chance you can miss it!

lets-start-over@hotmail.com

That's where you'll get me,
Drop us a few emails!

Cheers,
Rowan


BTW Prelims are fine so far.
French and Music both went smoothly and Spanish is tomorrow :)

Taking a Break

Yeh, the time has come

You've probably noticed i haven't posted in a while, neither have i been on msn.

I do apologise for not warning in advance but the reason for this is mainly down to studying.

It doesn't take up my whole day of course, but it takes up enough and personally, i feel the need to take a break from blogger for a bit.


Dunno how long, nothing major though.

Definetely this week, possibly next week and the one after that as well.

Coz of my Prelims coming up.

I have one every day next week.
(Music Theory, French, Spanish, Modern Studies and English)

Two the week after (Media and Maths)
and another one after. (Biology)



So it's busy, busy.

I can't really afford the luxuries of msn and the likes.


I'll still check my mail tho, so if you're wating to contact me i'll still respond but posts will be limited for the next couple of weeks.


Wish me luck with my Prelims :)

Cheers,
Rowan

Catholicism

Thought i would tackle this coz of something that's happened in the past few hours.



I awoke to my dad saying that we're all going to mass.
How nice of him to just demand it.

So i told him everyone else can go but i don't want to and he said we're all going and that's that.


Sorry. I'm afraid you can't force me to go somewhere i don't want to go and you really can't physically take me.



So he got all angry and i said to mum i didn't want to go and she was fine with that, she said i can do some study instead (which i will do after this post)

And with that mum jokingly said, "Ok we're away to pray"

And dad said, seriously "For your soul"


=)

How nice of them!



Anyway the point of this was to talk about Catholicism and i will.


I was born and raised Catholic. I was baptised, went to Confession, made my First Holy Communion and all that.
But in recent years religion has just not interested me at all, in fact i'll go as far to say it's pointless.

And yes, this also ties in with me realising i was gay in the past few years.
It's condemned by Roman Catholics and i don't want to follow a religion where i can't be accepted.

If they don't want to accept me, why should i accept them?


The truth is i don't think i should.


And don't get me started on the Bible lol.

We had an assignment in RE the other day and we had to read the first chapter of Genesis (creation of the world)

And i was reading it thinking, "What drugs was the author of this on!?"

I know there is no real author but stuff like, God breathed life-giving breath into Adam's nose.....

That sounds like it came straght out of any old fairytale story.

....and the river Pishon lol

Steven had a laugh at that.

And of course, we were talking about the Bible and he said, "At least they got one thing right"
You know what he was talking about.

Blah, blah homosexuality is wrong etc etc.

So then i took this as the perfect time to introduce my adultery remark.
"The Bible also says adultery is wrong"

He stammered with a blank expression and defeatedly said, "Well, come on, we've got to agree to disagree here"

Pah. 1-0 to Rowan!

Haha.

But then the girl next to me, she's nice and easy to get along with, said, "Why have you got such a big problem with homosexuality?" to Steven and he just replied it's coz of the way he was raised.

She asked me what i thought, and without giving too much away i just said i don't see a problem with it, why should there be a problem?

Steven just gave me another blank look and went onto tell us about a certain family relation of his.


His cousin.


He is gay.


How about that!

That's karma. He hates gay people but his cousin is gay.


"No cousin of mine" Steven said.

And he told us a saddening story about his gran telling this cousin to burn in hell when she was on her deathbed.

Wow.

That's rather extreme.


Drifting away from Catholism now but thought that little bit might be of interest.

So, as i write this, everyone else is away in church "praying for my soul"

I remember the last time i went to church and i started laughing, really loudly when people started singing hymns.

100+ people droning away to meaningless words on a page, while the priest stands up the front in his funny white robe thing, watching.

Standing there it seemed like some sort of cult.
I just thought it was funny.


Does it sound like i'm putting Christianity down here?

It probably does but i'm not meaning to, be Christian if you want, i just choose not to be.

In reality, i consider myself Agnostic.

I won't go into it but if you're really interested then Wikipedia knows all :P

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agnosticism



Existence of God is a deep and interesting topic as well, maybe too much for now, but it's something else i find myself questioning alot and Agnosticism sort of covers this as well, so i refer to Wikipedia again.


I better call that a wrap.

I'll need to get started on some work before everyone comes back from their cult =P

KO.


But lastly, this is what i thought when mum said i didn't have to go this morning.

Just to say, i'm sure my family all believe i'm Catholic, although it has never been put forward to me by them.

It would be my dad if anyone that would ask.

But this is what i thought :

If my dad would be annoyed with me for not going to Church/following Catholism,

I wonder what his reaction would be if he found out i was gay.....

:-O



Cheers,
Rowan

Spanish Speaking Exam and Wolfmother Concert

I'll start with the Spanish :D

Which went just like my French : Absolutely lovely with only one part that i got stuck on.

It went almost perfectly, i delivered my presentation which was about a minute and a half long.
Then the discussion was the only bit i messed up on, but it wasn't anything major.
The discussion is about 4 mins long with the teacher asking questions and near halfway through she asked

"Do you think the learning two languages is a important?"

"Si"

"Porque?" (Why)

And then i couldn't think of why but after about 30 seconds of thinking i stumbled an answer saying it opens doors in the future and it was plain sailing from there!

So, nothing to worry about. :)

Will probably get our final mark back next week along with french.


Just had to wait for Wolfmother now.

School finished, Alex picked me up at about 6 and we got dropped just round the corner from the venue, made our way to the queue with 30 mins until doors opened and met up with some school friends who were also going. (It wasn't even planned :P)

Doors opened at 7 and we went straight in....to the very front row, at the barrier!!! Just a little from the right of the centre.

(Never been at the barrier in my life and i was a bit apprehensive as to whether it might be too much for such an inexperienced gigger haha, but we survived.)

Got robbed for water but i needed to keep hydrated of course and then the support band came on.
Played their set which was pretty good and then cleared their gear away, in the process knocking their setlist onto the ground, in the space between the barrier and the stage, so i asked a security guard if i could have it and he let me!

A little souvenir, how nice. XD

The support band were called The Black Angels btw.


Another hour of wait while people slowly but surely filled the gaps in the crowd.
I started getting a bit nervous coz it was getting so cramped but what else do you expect at the front?


Anyway, Wolfmother came on and everyone went instantly mad!
I couldn't get a note of the set or any videos but they played all the good stuff and some stuff i'd heard but didn't know the words.

They finished with Joker and the Thief tho, which brought with it more crushing and crowdsurfers and with that, it was finished.

I could finally breathe again!

The barrier is good tho, you don't miss a thing that happens onstage but for that privilege, you get mauled against the barrier and can't jump around so freely.
But it was worth it by far.
I let my arms take the brunt of it instead of my ribs tho, so my arms are quite bruised today :P

Also at the barrier, you get looks from the guys onstage which me and Alex definetely got, that was awesome.
Eye-to-eye with someone who inspires you....

Words....


Can't....


Describe....



So afterwards, i got a lift home again from Alex's dad and crashed out almost immediately in my newly organised room.

Pretty awesome week this week!

Ending on a high with my Unofficial 1000 Visits!

Yay!


(Although it is more than that :P)

Haha


Cheers guys,
Rowan





(There's 4 of them now, not 3) :P

Hope you like it!

Past couple o' days

Sorry, i haven't posted since Friday i think it was...

I've been getting my new room squared up :)

That's right...new room!!!


We actually went ahead with it, it took most of Sunday but here we are now.
Fair play to my mum lol.

The room isn't exactly how i want it at the moment but i think it will be tweaked a little at the weekend.



The past couple of days are a complete contrast to how i was feeling on my last post.
I feel a like i have a lot more space now.

It's not just the room that's done that for me but...

*drum roll*

I bought Steven's "old" ipod touch off him :D
He got an iphone for Christmas and offered me his for just 70 quid.
I didn't give him the full 70, but 20 and i'll pay him fully as i gradually get more money, coz i don't really get much.
But he's fine with it and said i can take my time over it.

That's what strange with him.
One second he can be the biggest bigot, homophobe whatever and the next he is all nice and friendly and loyal....
Strange one.

Anyway, i am now free to browse the web as i want.
Just a simple delete history, cache and cookies in Safari on the ipod and it's wiped.
Unlike the computer here where it gets stored in Temp Files or whatever.

So....porn at any time of the day! :P


But i won't blog from it, that would be a pain, i'll blog with a proper keyboard. ;)


The past couple of days then, in school.

Quite busy.
Loads of preparation for Prelims (beginning on the 25th)

Got practice writing prelims as well in French and Spanish.
French on Friday, Spanish on Monday.

Spanish is a toughy.
Speaking exam tomorrow but i know it pretty well.
And then for celebration....Wolfmother!!! Yay!!!

I have to wait until 1:20pm tho, so i'll be a nervous wreak by then lol.
But it should be alright.

So, trying to do the french writing practice will be rather meh but i'll use the Spanish exam as an excuse. And to be fair, it is fairly valid.

But the homework is piling up.

According to my guidance teacher we should be doing 3 hours during the week and 5 at the weekend.
I'm sorry, but i need a life and he's an arse.

I probably do about half of that and it's sufficient enough i would say.
I'm not failing anything so there we are.

Also, i attended my first Supported Study class today.
It's like an after school class thing.
But unlike most where it's optional this one was mandatory.

And what subject was it?

Yep, Spanish :P

I didn't go to last weeks class so she demanded i go to this one.

Bah, i don't like her but she does get results out of you



Thanks for all your comments on my last post.
And just to answer one question that has been asked - My brother is 13.

I'm sorry but a lot of 13 year olds are idiots.

I would certainly say i was.
I was just a moody brat a few years ago and my brother seems like that most of the time.

Anyway, as i said, a lot 13 year olds are. Not all.
Quite a number are very mature but with my brother around i don't see it.


Lastly,
I watched a very interesting "movie" recently.

It's a short Northern Irish film called James. It's about a 12/13 year old dealing with his sexuality and it's only 17 mins long so if you're interested check it out.

http://www.btn101.com/video/3882/James

BTW, when i watched it, i found it to be out of sync a little but it's nothing major.


Actually, that wasn't the last thing i was going to talk about.
Speaking of Northern Ireland i thought i would mention Iris Robinson.

The mad woman.

I was listening to a radio programme speaking about the whole controversy and whether or ot we should have sympathy for her.

I don't.


She's in deep therapy or something now.
But she got what was coming to her in my opinion.

She's such a hypocrite.

Firstly, she condemns homosexuality saying "The bible condemns it and it is an abomination"
Then she goes and has an affair....which is also condemned in the bible.


I have no sympathy for her whatsoever, she should learn to keep her big trap shut. The loony.


Anyhoo, i'll post again probably on Friday and let you know about Spanish, the concert etc.

Cheers everyone,
Rowan


P.S Thanks YouTubeBoys for following me. I linked ya. :P

Loneliness inside my little room.

*Prepare for long rant*


I should be the last person to be complaining about being lonely.

I have a brother AND a sister.

I have people in my house who i can interact and talk with....

but not freely....



Of course a big reason for this feeling of loneliness is due to the fact that i'm not out yet. But there is another thing that contributes to this sense of isolation.


My bedroom.


A teenager's bedroom should be free, spacious, their own.

Mine is not.

It's pretty much all down to the layout of the house, and the size of it.
The house i live in was not built to accommodate 2 adults and 3 children, but our house has been "adapted" to do so.

My parents of course have their own room. My younger sister has her own room. But my brother and i, half-share a room...

That's to say, we took the biggest room in the house, put a thin wall in the middle and called them two separate bedrooms.

It's horrible. I have to walk through my brother's room just to get to mine.
It's shit.

I spend a lot of time in my cupboard.


*Ahem*....Room.

The fact that i can hardly do anything privately annoys the hell out of me.

At anyone one given time somebody could waltz right in, regardless of what i'm doing.

It is just simply too small.
This is a room that my sister would easily fit into.
But no, we can't have a boy on one side and a girl on the other apparently.

It's impossible to study in this room as well.
My brother is constantly on his xbox and it's impossible to do 2-3 hours work a night with the noise.
And this is a big year. I have to be doing a lot of work and i can't.

*sigh*


Anyway, my room makes me feel lonely because it is just completely cut off from the rest of the house.
Mine is the only one that does not connect from the hall.
And when i think about that it sometimes makes me feel like i'm not so connected with the rest of my family.

Strange how people can link things like that together.

But really, this room makes me feel detached from everyone else. I feel like i've just been shoved into the corner of the house and forgotten about sometimes.

Not just at school do i have nobody to talk to freely but it is the same in my own house.

In fact, school is sometimes the better option. At least my friends make me happy. But of course, i can't speak with them completely openly.

There isn't much to be happy about in my house to be honest.
Money is tight.
My room makes me depressed.
People don't get on too well.
My parents both smoke.
Sometimes they drink too much.
They argue.



Ok, some of this is normal but a lot of people say that house is the escape from school. The reverse is more true for me.
However school is obviously still crap but it beats the house most of the time.

A while ago, i mentioned to mum about moving rooms coz i have to study and stuff and we eventually came to the agreement that a change would be made.
I would swap with my parents room (coz all they do is sleep in their room.)
And it would only be until my exams were finished, in June.


That agreement was made in November.


Today's date is January 8th.


But to my mum's credit, things are more organised and she and claims that i could be in there by Sunday. I don't see it but you never know.

This feeling of loneliness is one of a few reasons i came to blogland in the first place.
So i had a place to call my own.
And it does feel like that, i feel happier when i can get all my feelings on a page and i can talk to people openly and without hate or disregard.

I have slowly realised how important blogland is to me. It's the only place in the entire world i can be myself for a few hours a day.
And for that i am grateful.


*End of long rant*


I'm sorry if this post was too depressing to read.


Cheers,
Rowan

Can't think of title....too tired

I re-read my last post.

It isn't anything to do with the part about school but more to do with going on about hits and comments.

I think i came across as a bit of an arse....

Sooorrry

I feel a little embarrased now :P


So,

@drucloud. Yeh i'll have a look at and probably link your blog, if u give me the URL to it. You say it's Wordpress, but on your profile i can only find a Blogger blog :P
So yeh, send me the URL :D

@southern/Stef. It depends what kind of classical music you mean. Classical guitar i'm not really into. But my favourite band - Muse, have quite a few excellent classical style orientated songs.
Their new album - The Resistance, definetely has it's fair share of classical elements. Even a 13 minute symphony!

@Seth. Yes yes. Views/followers aren't all that matters, i know :P.
But it is nice to know that at least a few people are reading.
I did get your email as well, and although i already got a statcounter thingy i appreciate it all the same.
BTW, i will link to you blog as well when i get round to it. I'll return the favour.

-------------------------------

I was sitting last night thinking, how can i estimate my full amount of views since the beginning? Since 17th September.....

Well i came up with one idea.

Wait and see how many i get in one month. (Jan 5th - Feb 5th)
Half that number.
The multiply it by 3 (for months Oct, Nov, Dec) then add tht to the number of views for January.

It might bring me closer to my total.


LOL.

Sorry if that's confusing :P
But it seemed like a good idea at the time....i might still try it.


Anyhoo, here's a classical song by Muse (Blackout)




Cheers,
Rowan

Just Another Day...

Well my first day back at school was nothing eventful.

Just pretty much an average day, and to my surprise - not much homework :D

Although i was informed that i need to re-sit part of a maths test that i apparently failed ages ago. >:

And the date?

Same day as my Spanish speaking exam, next Thursday. Bah!



Alex and Steven never spoke with me about their discussion on Sunday tho.
I don't even know if they were planning to, but i'd rather they just left it anyway...


Oh btw,

With the hits counter thing...

It is displayed now (thanks Chris =P)

But it wasn't last night when i posted.


But the annoying thing is that this is only counting hits since yesterday (5th January 2010)

So i have no idea how many hits i've really had :(
(Maybe should have looked into a hit counter when i first started)

Does anyone know how i would find all my hits? Or estimate it?
Or is it impossible?

I get the feeling it is....
I'd love to keep track....


And what confuses me is, if there have been 200+ views since yesterday....where is everyone?

It bugs me.

I love your comments and hearing from people and talking..... it just feels like there are more people out there and i just wish i heard from them

Sorry, mini rant over....lol


Have a nice day people,
Rowan


P.S,
If YOU are the author of a blog and would like to exchange links, i would be more than happy to. Just send me a little message :)

Hits

Just before i hop off to bed i thought i would ask you guys a little something.

This little something being,

"Where are my hits?" or rather "where do i see how many times my blog has been visited?"

I know there are profile views, but as far as i'm aware...they're separate from blog views.

So, what do i do to see my views?

Is it somewhere i've just not been looking at, somewhere i've missed?

OR

do you need to add a third-party hit counter thingy?

coz i tried and i couldn't really get my head round it....


Google Analytics and Statcounter are the only two i've heard of, i signed up for them both but i dunno where to find the information.

It wouldn't even add up ALL my views tho coz i only tried it about a week ago and not back in September when i started the blog.

Smooth :P



Anyhoo, i would still like to keep track, so would any of my tech-savvy followers like to give me some help?
It would be much appreciated :D

Cheers,
Rowan

Back to School. :( .....or not :D

Don't you love snow? :D

Well today i do!

So much recently that the bus never came today to collect us.

Still had to wake up at 7AM, quick shower, breakfast, then out the door but hey. (it was also apparently -7C outside this morning)

My mum was already fretting about the bus not showing up so she said i could come home if it didn't arrive on time.

Yay!

Stood around for like 30mins (was freezing!) decided i'd had enough and went home.

Then to sleep. :P

Honestly, i hardly got any sleep last night. 4 hours tops.


The holidays always mess up my sleeping pattern, which couldn't get much worse at the best of times.

I swear i have some sort of sleeping disorder.

So got like 3 hours between 9 and 12, then did an essay, very casually, which i would have had to rush if i didn't have today off. And now i'm here.
That's what my day consisted of : Sleep, essay, computer.

Indeed, i still have another essay to do, but it's a lot easier than most.



Erm....just something i wanted to add at the end here.

I'm sure most of you are aware that Mirrorboy will be shortly departing us. :(

Yes, t'is sad but i understand his reasoning and others should as well.

His post today saddened me.

Most of the comments were supportive and understanding of his reasons but a few weren't.
And he was angry about it.


Either way, i think people need to accept that if he wants to go, he will.
I haven't been here long enough to follow through his tough times and be supportive but i've tried to be here.

The blog seems something of legend to me anyway. So i hope when his inevitable leaving day arrives, he will leave his blog open as a source of inspiration to others.



Anyhoo, tomorrow will most certianly be back to school.
I can't afford to miss much at this moment in time so i will be surprised if i am allowed to stay off tomorrow as well.
Still not looking forward to it, and by text i found that Alex and Steven were both in today, so i hope they don't think i'm trying to avoid something....

Cheers,
Rowan

Steven's House

I always enjoy going to my friend Steven's house, it's laugh after laugh and great fun excluding all the racism and homophobia etc.

And i was off to stay again yesterday, in celebration of his birthday.
Alex came too and Steven's brother was around as well.
We didn't go to his house straight away, he picked me up at about 11am, then Alex, then off to this big fun centre place with loads of different places inside. (forgot it's name =P)

We played crazy golf firstly, which was awesome, i played not bad, neither did Steven, Alex played a stinker but Steven's dad won in the end.
Just loads of banter flying around though so the final score wasn't all that important but about halfway through, an incident occured. This group of 2 or 3 young children were running around and getting in the way, so Steven's dad told them to stop or else he would "wrap the gold club around their head"

Smooth.


Coz near the end of our round, their parents approached us and had a go at Steven's dad. He argued that they shouldn't have been unsupervised in the first place, but he was the one that threatened them at the end of the day.
It was quite a serious although funny thing to watch but ultimately, they were both in the wrong.

(Anyway, i've learnt from that that Steven's dad doesn't take any shit, you don't wanna mess with him.)


With that all behind us, we headed for Burger King and then went Ten-Pin Bowling.


Now, i never considered myself to be any good at it, and i was secretly not looking forward to it (would happily have gone straight home) but i surprised myself!
And i would have won, if it weren't for Steven's brother using the barriers to stop his ball rolling off =P

I enjoyed it again and found i was actually not bad at it (got 3 strikes!) the rest played averagely (haha) apart from Alex who again played awful lol.

To add to things, the parents and their children at the crazy golf showed up in the lane next us (call it a coincidence) but they never said anything.

:S


They clearly weren't bothered about earlier and were just trying to make something big out of nothing at all.


So, after this we headed to Steven's house and listened to Muse in the car, us three looking like loonies bouncing around in the back lol.


When we got there, the Arsenal game was put on.


Wasn't too exciting.
Me and Alex cheered when West Ham scored just to piss off Steven and his dad but Arsenal went onto win 2-1.


Not much happened after that until later but it marked the start of Steven and his dad sharing their discrimination when they felt necessary.
And they clearly felt very necessary.

Now i admit, while they can be funny, what they said kinda got to me but i just sorta pretended to laugh and didn't say anything to add to it.

The house seems works on a "whatever you want to say, say it....as long as it's rude and insulting" policy.

I didn't really chip in.

Honestly.



But some of the things said were a bit much.
I know to expect that in Steven's house but it still annoys me, it's the only downside really.

Things like :

Muslims offering their sons to Hamas as suicide bombers cause they found that there sons were gay.

(Double whammy there)

This was said by Steven in front of his dad as well. He doesn't care what you say, there are no rules there which is cool but it means things like that are said.

Unfortunately, it didn't get much better.

After his dad went to bed the porn channel was put on.


*Yawn*


Then more gay jokes started - mostly from Steven.


*Yawn*


The matresses were placed in the living room for the three of us, so we had the big tv and wouldn't disturb anyone else.

It was getting late and the porn and gay jokes weren't entertaining me at all so i went to sleep, leaving them to say what they liked.


But this is where the worrying part happened.


I woke up at some point and the tv was still on and they were still talking, so i just pretended to be asleep, but they were talking about me....rather, talking about my sexual preferences.

How nice of them, behind my back.

I think i latched onto the end of the conversation but here it is anyway.

It was Alex who said, "Did you notice something about Rowan?"

Steven : "Huh, what?"

Alex : "Well, he fell asleep when we were watching porn."

*Silence*

Alex : "You would have thought he'd be interested in it, no?"

Steven : "I dunno, maybe he was just tired"

Alex : "Well, to tell you the truth.....i've wondered for a while if maybe he was.....gay"

*I'm petrified at this point*

Steven : "Nah, he's not one of them, he's not a bum-bandit"

*Ha*

Alex : "I'm not sure"

Steven : "He better not be"


And with tht it ended, although we did talk together later about school and stuff....nothing was mentioned but i wasn't getting much sleep after that.

I just felt like yelling at Steven.
Not so much at Alex coz i don't know where he stands on it, but it's a dead-cert with Steven. He wouldn't be happy if he knew.
Alex is one of the only two people i've ever thought about confiding in it with, but now i'm having second thoughts.

Either way, i'm not looking forward to seeing them tomorrow.....in school.


Which brings me nicely to school actually.


This holiday has just flown by, wasn't the most enjoyable holiday, was nice to relax but tomorrow marks the start of the so-called "Term of hell"

Tests, Prelims, Studying, Exam Preparation.

And the rest.


It's gonna be tough, and as i've said previously, my posts may be limited in the next few months. Although i've done okay so far i don't know how bad things might get.

I have my Spanish speaking exam on the same day as the Wolfmother concert in a few weeks. And the prelims start at the end of this month. The final exams start at the end of April, are spread throughout May and finish in early June.


So i fully expect to be bombarded with work.


Wow. It's come quick.


That's really all i've got to say for now,
I've got to go and prepare for tomorrow, oh joy, i'll probably post again a couple of times this week and i'll let you all know if/when it's getting tough to do so.

Cheers,
Rowan

Finito!

I'm done now!

Got my blog looking good (at least to me it looks good, hope it does to you too =P)

The picture was really annoying to get the right size, i spent ages cropping it to fit, but it's fine now.
Like it?

10 points if you can guess where the original photo is from!


Just wanted to add that i'll be going to Steven's tomorrow for bowling, lunch and mini-golf, not necessarily in tht order but it should be great. Steven's always great fun, and Alex will be coming too.
Will be staying the night as well, meaning that on Monday i will have to do my homework in a very tired state.
I dunno what's up with me, i've had all holiday to do it and we go back to school on Tuesday!
I always procrastinate, just the way i do things but there ya go.


Anyway i'm off to do something else that ends with -ate.
I'll leave that open to your own interpretation haha

See Ya,
Rowan

Page Design

Ok, just bear with me guys, i'm chopping and changing about but i'll get there eventually :P

Also looking to add a nice, little image up the top hehe

Cheers

It's all change!

Well, seeing as it's the start of a new year, i thought i would give my blog a new look.

It's nothing fancy but i think it's better and more inviting than the previous one, which, looking back, seemed a bit dull i think.

I played about with colours and stuff as well and i'm quite happy with it just now.

So, erm, let us know what you think!

Cheers,
Rowan

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010!

Happy New Decade everyone!

2009 is done and dusted and i have to say it was probably one of the best years i've had so far.
Of course, every year has it ups and downs and it's difficult to say at the end, "Oh that was a really good/crap year"
So i suppose mine was a bit of both.

Over the past 12 months i've done many eventful things - Seen 3 different bands in concert (The Killers, Muse, Kasabian) went on a school trip to Valencia in April, went to see a Liverpool FC match a Anfield (which i had been dreaming of for many years) and lots of other little things add to that list.

Also, i entered Blogland! Hurrah!

Not many eventful bad things have happened, but there have been things that have happened.
This time last year and for the next couple of months, i wasn't doing all that well. I found myself confused, angry and depressed.
This was the pretty much the end of me coming to terms with the fact that i wasn't "normal"...

I wasn't straight.



About a year ago, this blogging community would have helped me a lot but i was still in self-denial at this point. I had been for the past year or so prevous to that.

I tried many times and many things to convince myself i was straight, many strange and awful things that now, perhaps, i do regret.

But that part of me is gone.
2009 was the start of something new, realising and coming to terms with who i really was.
It was only in about March/April did i fully let it all go.
But for the couple of years before 2009 ('06,'07,'08) i can see how much of a different person i was.
I was, tbh, a stupid, arrogant brat.

I now like to think i am no longer that, and in the past year i have matured more and have become a different and better person.

After March/April i was still scared tho.
I didn't know who to talk to, i didn't know where to turn.
I was lost.

And this continued throughout the summer, the only escape for me seemed to be the comment thread on "A Rent-Boy Named..." where everybody was (and still are) so kind and open-minded.
I started getting and replying emails from a fellow reader who i had become friendly with and found that it really helped.
I finally had someone to talk to.

And then one day in about August/Septmeber, i came across Blogger.
I don't fully remember how, it may have been through the RB site, i don't remember.
But the first blog i started reading was The Everyday Life and Thoughts of a Fabulous Teen.

I found how i could really relate to that.

So i wondered if maybe i could do it.
Eventually i did, in about late September, i started this blog.

It's wonderful.

It's where i can be myself and talk to other understanding and open-minded people.
It's really the only place i know of that i can be myself right now.

So really, although he hasn't directly helped me, i would like the thank the author of that first blog, James. Coz his blog encouraged me to start blogging.
And thanks to Blogland and my followers for welcoming me in, you've all made me feel really accepted and for that, i thank you.

2010 though, being the start of a new decade made me realise how much bigger and crazier things are going to get...and the end of this decade i will be 25!
That is weird.
But before i get there, i know how important and how defining this decade will possibly be.
This decade, i will be sitting important exams (as well as this year, in fact.) I will be getting a job, possibly a career. Friends will more than likely come and go. And perhaps most importantly, it will be the decade in which i finally take the step out of this small and dark closet and come out myself to my friends and family.

I certainly do not want to keep prolonging it, no matter what the outcome.

Haha, i never planned a review of the year but there it is anyway =P

So here's to 2010 - the start of a new decade, and a new beginning.



I listened to this on the stroke of midnight, the start of 2010. It really took my breath away and made me realise how important these next few years will be. I would recommend listening to it coz it's such a powerful, emotional and great song.

Cheers,
Rowan