I was going to do what I did last year and post my iTunes top 100 list but in all honesty it hasn't changed greatly so I decided not to.
However, my current top song is Micro Cuts by Muse with 126 plays and last year's top 2 - Hysteria by Muse and That Golden Rule have only moved down 1 space each.
I'm also not going to do a year in review but to put it briefly, it's been a mixed year with some memorable moments so I'll list them at least:
- My dad finding out I'm gay
- Coming out to Melly, Josh and Bryan
- Going to Reading and Leeds festival with Bryan.
I've not posted about him really since because I've come to my senses really. I've accepted the situation with him where I struggled to accept it earlier this year but I'm glad I have now. It's behind me and I've moved on. (though I still wouldn't say no if he were to suddenly turn gay...)
It's been a year of achievements in a sense, I'd say but it hasn't been easy by any stretch of the imagination and I wish I could look ahead and say next year will be but it probably won't.
University, family stuff, friends changing, actually getting and job and properly facing the big, bad world for the first time. Sure, I bet there'll be some highlights as well but tough times are ahead I'm sure.
But hey, this could be the last year on earth for any of us so I'll try to make the best of what I have and I hope you do as well. So thanks for sticking with me this year and may you have a Happy New Year! Enjoy it, it could be the last one you celebrate :P
I was in a bad way writing my last post, that much is obvious I think, but just to assure you I do feel better now.
I even managed to watch It's a Wonderful Life and Die Hard that evening!
Though I thought I should at least say thanks for all the comments I received after my post, on Christmas Eve, and those that came spilling through on Christmas Day.
They all helped me keep going, and made me feel better. Not lying at all when I say that.
The day itself was a quiet one. Opened presents about noon, uncle came over for dinner. We actually had Chinese, we're always been far from traditionalists. I didn't have much of an appetite though, just a heavy cold and an overall glumness which I tried my best to hide.
I've a feeling my brother picked up on it actually as he was always trying to crack some jokes with me and I warmed to them after a few beers and a little whiskey so fair play to him.
When my uncle left, my dad, brother and I put on a Billy Connolly DVD that we got earlier which was good for a while but I had such a sore head that I feel asleep.
It was a pretty uneventful day tbh, accompanied by a sore head and a downbeat mood but I got through it so once again, thanks to you all. It was a pretty personal post, my last, and your comments were all appreciated.
Now just to get through New Year...
I kid, I kid.
Though there are rumours that Nicholas is having a party and tbh, i'd much prefer that. I've never spent a New Year solely with friends. And with Nicholas, that would mean being drunk as well. Another way in which I haven't spent a New Year.
Not going to lie, I think getting drunk with friends would do me a world of good right now so I'm hoping this party does happen!
Don't know how to start this but I'll just say what I'm thinking.
As you know, last Christmas day, I came out to my mum. I felt quite forced to and I certainly didn't plan on it. Thankfully, she took it well and then a few months later my dad found out as well.
You see... I'm going to be entirely honest. I don't think I would have survived this year if the events of last Christmas and what ensued in the following months happened as they did.
I felt under so much pressure. I just felt I couldn't keep all these secrets hidden any longer because they were eating away at me so i am glad, now, that i did come out last Christmas.
If I kept all these things I've revealed to my parents secret, I believe I would have ended my own life this year. I just wouldn't have been able to live with it all anymore.
And right now, in fact, within the past hour these thoughts have entered my head and it's really difficult stuff to think about. I thought it might just be because i'm tired but no, it's not.
My whole thought process is overwhelming me right now. I wouldn't be here if llast Christmas didn't happen.
It didn't happen as I'd have liked but it did still happen and it lead to me being able to tell my mum and dad more. Ok, we don't have regular deep discussions but there were a few skeletons in the closet that I had to let them know and coming out was the first step on that rocky road.
This has been a confusing, mixed and emotional year. I don't even know if I have it in me to watch Die Hard tonight! (although watching a movie might take my mind off things)
There's just too much going on in my head. I just honestly want to go to sleep and wake up in a few days time.
A few other things are on my mind since my brain has gone into overdrive. What if i feel like this every Christmas?
I don't want to. I don't want to be this big Christmas hating guy. Yes, I can't enjoy it like a child can anymore but i still want to be able to enjoy it.
I don't think that's the case though. What happened last year did end the "true" Christmas for me. It died.
I didn't only come out but I learnt the truths that my mum and dad honestly don't like Christmas and I understand why now. People reasons. People not being here, not being able to share it with loved ones who have passed away.
Christmas did die for me last year and i'm really sad about it.
Also, combined with the realisation that my existence depended on last year, my other realisation is tht this is probably the last Christmas I'll get to share with my whole family.
Dad's already told me and my brother he can't live in the house any longer and is moving out in the new year.
I hate thinking about all this stuff but it's all true and it's just hit me like a fucking train. So next year, I won't be able to share it with my loved ones as I'd like and knowing that is tough to deal with.
Tomorrow is going to be hard day. It kills me to say that but it is.
I know I've not posted a lot lately but I really felt the need to tonight and it's helped a little getting it all out there. I've been truthful because I'd only feel worse if i hadn't been.
You don't have to reply, or comment, or worry about me. Next day or two won't be easy but I'll be ok and I'll post again before New Year. I just hope I haven't got anyone's Christmas cheer and spirit down. I just had to post this to help me feel better that is all.
And to anyone who has taken the time to read this, and to those who haven't of course - to everyone - i hope you have a good Christmas and a Happy New Year.
It's good to see Scotland seems to be making a genuine attempt at equal marriage. PinkNews has been covering this for the past few months but this week published a few articles saying that you can have your own say on the matter which is pretty damn awesome.
I quite often vote on things when given the chance to such as preventing the Ugandan anti-gay laws, and most recently the Russian anti-gay law as well. I wouldn't hesitate to so it was a no-brainer when given the chance to vote for this.
The petition can be found here (http://www.equalmarriage.org.uk/) and I'm posting because obviously I'd like you to take a minute or so to fill it in - in support, no doubt! I'm pretty sure anyone in the UK can vote on it, not sure about folk from abroad but why not give it a bash?
David Cameron has said that his party supports same-sex marriage but still hasn't done much about it so imagine if Scotland got the ball rolling. I think he'd be embarrassed that Scotland bet him to it :P
Let's face it, Scotland and the Tories don't quite get on.
But it isn't about getting one over on the Tories (that's just a bonus) it's about two people who love each other being allowed the right to marry. Why should that be denied?
I could argue for a while but I'd only be arguing for the sake of it. There's no valid reason that same-sex couples shouldn't get married and it gives me hope that Scotland seems to have a majority who support that notion :)
Rowan <3
P.S I did mean to post this a few days ago - the petition only runs until tomorrow morning!
Yesterday night I performed live in front of an audience for the first time in my life and I loved it :D
It was for our music class coz our teacher has this thing about the final exam being more a performance than an exam. Therefore, if we perform live we will be more used to it by the exam. I'm not complaining. It means we get more time to play as a class which I really enjoy.
Advanced Music honestly is just like being part of one big band of really talented musicians. It's easily the best subject I've ever taken in high school. We actually call it Advanced Bant (banter) because we don't really do any work, we just chat, have a laugh and play music.
Anyhow, we performed as a class to about 300 people yesterday. It was before the school's annual fashion show which wouldn't usually have a band playing as pre-show entertainment but it was to raise money for people going to Africa next year and to experience playing live.
There are, of course, people in the class who have performed live many times before but for a number of us it was the first time and I'm among them.
I played bass by the way, which I do for most songs we play in class since I like to think I play well and am pretty comfortable playing bass :P
Yet, I got quite nervous before going on. Someone earlier in the day said only about 50 tickets had been sold but there was a near full attendance of about 300-400 people.
Once we got playing though, I was fine. We've performed these songs non-stop over the past few weeks and I brought my own bass and amp so I felt quite at home, in a sense.
Since it was pre-show entertainment, we only performed a handful of songs. The setlist was:
Walk of Life - Dire Straits
5 Years Time - Noah and the Whale
Free - Nina Simone
Fix You - Coldplay
One and Only - Adele
Fairytale of New York - The Pogues
Walk of Life was a great opener and easy to play (for me) so I settled in nicely. I'd say we played it flawlessly, too.
5 Years Time was a bit messy i think but it's difficult to play it live as we tend to always speed up. Plus, the crowd wasn't great. A bit ignorant if i'm honest but by the same token, they probably didn't even know we would be playing and they were there for the fashion show. But still.
Free went well. About all I can say.
I was nervous for Fix You since I have a solo at the start (which is usually played on an organ I think) and I know I messed a bit of it up but no one else seemed to realise :P
One and Only was probably my favourite of the night since the girl who sings it has a great voice and the bass part is really fun... and coz Adele is brilliant xD
Obviously Fairytale was great, but then, it always is!
So there you have it. My first ever live performance \o/
Apart from a few little mistakes and an average crowd, I'd say it was a great first experience and I honestly can't wait to play again.
It hopefully won't be too long until that opportunity presents itself again. During the last week of term, we hope to be performing to each of the school's year groups so there might even be five shows in a week of about 10 songs each!
Looking forward to it.
But the big one is in February/March where we'll be putting on our own show, over 2 nights I believe, and will do about 20 songs. That will be something else because we can use the lights as we wish and we'll get a proper sound engineer in - we didn't have any of that yesterday so if last night was pretty good, this will probably be even better!
I'm glad the people I talked to who are used to performing were right. They told me I'd love it and the nerves would disappear after a minute or so and they were damn right. It was a great evening, and a great start to December after a pretty disappointing November if i'm honest. Perhaps up there with one of the best days of the year so far and that's saying something.
Rowan <3
P.S About the film group video I was in. I'm not entirely sure if the video will go on Youtube or anything. The reason being is that there are people under 16 in it so the guy who takes the group is hesitant to put it online. If that's why then i'm afraid there's not much I can do but either way, if i'm honest, I don't know if I want to post a photo or video of myself. I haven't so far. I'm a bit shy about how I look so i'm surprised at myself for ever volunteering to be in the video in the first place.
Thought I'd fill you in since a few people were asking ^^
Sorry if anyone finds that disappointing.
Sorry it's taken me so long to post. I don't have an excuse of any kind so all I can do is say sorry.
Anyhow, since my last post the film group I go to filmed an advert for our upcoming youth film festival. It was great fun.
Despite getting up at 5am on a Sunday morning to go into town I enjoyed it immensely. Although it turns out I wasn't actually required until about half ten. Yet, when i was required, i was really required.
I played two characters in the ad - Harry Potter and Charlie Chaplin. I'd say I didn't look particularly convincing as either but everyone else disagreed. But yeh, my scenes were filmed back to back and we were limited with our filming time so i had to change quick style from Potter to Chaplin but it all added to the rush and excitement of things.
We were also able to hire a professional camera and lighting team thanks to our group leader and it worked well, i'd say. It really had a proper "on set" feel, the first time i've been in that situation really.
I wouldn't say filming a music video in Media was on par with this. Everyone was up for it this time, really dedicated and serious but not without wanting to have fun at the same time so there was just a great atmosphere all round.
I'm not going to delude myself by thinking that being on set is always like that but it really encouraged me to go further, you know. Having sort of worked on set last year, I just wanted to keep doing it and filming this only furthered that desire.
The ad has been edited into a rough cut by the camera team and hopefully we get to see it this Thursday before doing a spot of editing ourselves. Wouldn't mind a little bit of that!
While we're on the subject of films, I'm not far off applying for my university courses. I've decided where i'd like to go - which isn't far from home - I've handed in my personal statement, i just need to wait on my guidance teacher to write a reference and then i can apply for my courses. Perhaps by this weekend...
There are only a handful of university courses that i'd like to go to that are nearby so i'm hoping like hell i get into them. There are 3 main ones i'd be happy to get a place on but i have two backup courses in case i don't.
I'm quietly confident since i did, of course, get 5 A's last year at first sitting (which is not bad i have to say) and I do have a fair amount of background experience within media but, as they say, don't take anything for granted.
I'll keep you on the DL but, for now, thanks for reading this little piece of something or whatever.
I have even though i only own one purple item, a t-shirt, which most of the time was covered by a jumper because of the cold.
But i still did wear purple!
To make up for my "weak" effort I purchased a "NoH8" badge earlier and as my guidance teacher at school is urging me to wear the school blazer, i shall comply and put the badge on there when I get it xD
Everyone puts badges on their blazer, so i'll put that on mine and a few Muse badges or something like that.
Anyway, one thing that annoys me is an apparent dislike or non-approval of wearing purple on Spirit Day, even within the gay community. I think more people support it than not but there's just things i read online; people saying it changes nothing, its just jumping on the bandwagon etc.
What crap.
It's to show a togetherness and to support the victims of gay teen suicide and those who are bullied!
Maybe it's just a personal thing that some people feel more strongly about than others but there's no need to criticise people who are trying to help and raise awareness of what is a very big issue.
Another one is that "people are just doing it to make themselves feel useful".
I don't know why people are so cynical all the time. It's about showing support and if showing support for what is a worthy cause is wrong then shoot me down.
I didn't mean to turn this into a rant :P
I just feel strongly about bullying - we've all seen the effect it can have - and I will do what i can to fight against it and i hope you will, too :)
Last night was Nicholas' party and i'm not going to lie, I wasn't really looking forward to it.
Was mostly that i was still in bed at 2pm, it was raining and i still had to get ready and everything. But after i did all that, i felt nervous about going because I knew Kev was going to be there and I knew that when he was drunk, he would try something.
Such a thing never materialised but the whole thing turned into quite a riot.
Must have been about 20 people there at one point, at least half of them drunk. I was kinda in-between in all honesty, but got drunk later on - a late bloomer. Melly got everyone's requests in so the party didn't really start till she got there but when she did, i just didn't feel in the mood.
Loads of people just tore straight into the vodka but i hate the stuff so i just had a few quiet beers and talked to the sober people. Around this point, i found myself in a room with a few people and Susan was there as well and somehow the conversation turned to me and about how i've never had a girlfriend.
Fucking joy.
Susan was all hinty like, "It's not as if you haven't had offers"
All the while i was playing guitar and pretending i wasn't bothered and someone said, "It just amazes me you haven't been out with anyone"
I somehow passed it off and the conversation disappeared but then Melly came over for a chat, a good old private chat. She seen me struggling through the conversation and asked me if there were any guys i did like. Now by this time, i'd had a few more trips to the fridge so was a bit more drunk. Not as drunk as i have previously been but drunk enough for things to happen and say that i normally wouldn't.
I ended up telling her i've been practically in love with Bryan but that i'm just about giving it up because he clearly doesn't like guys. We then went into the "secret room" as i dubbed it (Nicholas' bedroom as it's where i first came out to Melly and Josh - weird huh?)
And in return she told me that she really fancied some guy at the party. Can't remember the fine details.
But the biggest shock of my night was when she went, "I had a dream about you the other night"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, you threw me up against a wall and started kissing me"
*awkward silence*
"I know you're gay but i was wondering what that would actually be like..."
*even more awkward silence*
Then she approached me... and kissed me... and i kissed her back. Must have been a good 15/20 seconds at least.
Afterwards - "Yeh, lets not tell anyone about that. Not even Josh. It stays in the secret room". We laughed and then went our separate ways.
I cannot explain how I allowed for that to happen. Firstly, she's a good friend so it shouldn't have happened and secondly, i'm fucking gay so it just totally baffles me. I'm not even attracted to her in the slightest! I can only blame the drink.
Even more happened in the secret room. Not long after that... meeting with Melly than was i back in there on my own with Susan. It all came out... but I didn't.
I told her basically, that i'm sorry i don't feel the same way for her as she does for me. I just never said till now because i can't stand disappointing people. She told me she pretty much figured out already but it was good to finally hear it so i was pleased at least. I just sat with my arm around her for a few minutes while she told me about some guy who does fancy her but she doesn't feel the same way.
I'm sitting like, "Now you know how i felt!" haha
I just said some nice reassuring things to her because she felt bad and i think she was better after that so we left the room. Well, i did. Kev burst in on us and i was thinking, "Oh, here we go" but i managed to leave and Kev and Susan had more than a little chat, if you get me.
Christ. Drink does the strangest things. Probably should have been me that stayed in that room while Susan left. It's what i would have expected at the start of the night.
Anyhow, the conclusion to this crazy story is that Melly and I ended up walking the guy who fancies Susan to the end of the road because he was leaving early.
Basically, things came full circle because i ended up chatting with all three of the people concerned in this drama: Melly, Susan, and the guy who fancies Susan.
I'm sorry this probably makes no sense to anyone reading this. It barely makes sense to me but it's helping me figure out exactly what the situation is :P
After he got picked up, Melly asked, "So did our kiss change anything or have i not managed to sway you at all?"
"Nope, sorry. Still gay", I laughed and we went back to the house to find more than 4 people had thrown up. I took this as my hint not to have any more or else i'd end up like them.
People cleared out not long after that but i was staying overnight so i helped a few of the sick people find a bed - i had sobered up mostly by this time.
I ended up in a bed with Josh and neither of us could sleep so there was banter to be had and he somehow found out about Kev and Susan doing stuff so we laughed about that.
That gaming marathon still has us fecked though. We were both still awake at 7am before we drifted off.
There are still things i want to talk to him about though and i don't know if i should tell him about Melly and I. I feel he deserves to know since they're best friends but maybe some things are better left unsaid.
I'll play that one by ear.
Anyway, i know this post has been disjointed. But that's what parties are like for ya!
In summary:
- Melly knows i fancy/fancied Bryan. The first person who does know about that. Oh, i also told her that i came out to him as well and she was happy for me so yay \o/
- Melly and I kissed.
- Finally resolved things with Susan without actually coming out to her... maybe i should've...
- Found out extra stuff about Melly and Susan that will probably crop back up in the near future.
- I didn't throw up like i usually do when i'm drunk xD
All in all, i can't really tell if it was a good night or not but i'll take it as it was.
Ciao for now.
I'm beginning to like that phrase ^^
Rowan <3
P.S There's probably things I've forgotten to put in this post that i'll remember after i publish it but there's already enough going on here so i'll just leave it there :P
So yesterday, I was part of a team of people gaming for 24 hours without stop for a charity called Extra Life.
I say part of because I wasn't even in the team - I thought I was going to be busy today so couldn't do the whole thing but it turned out I wasn't busy.
However, due to me not being in the team, I didn't have to be there for the whole thing. Beforehand, I went to Kev's house for the first time and we watched the Liverpool game. His whole family are fans as well so it was good to watch it in the company of fellow fans as opposed to usually watching it on my own. Think I'll be going round more often for games.
It was a 1-1 draw but still a good result, btw.
After this, I went to the gaming marathon, hosted at Nicholas' house because everything happens there.
The three people taking part were Josh, Rob and another guy called Stu.
As I said, I wasn't doing the whole thing but still took my Xbox, laptop, a portable TV and an Digital SLR camera that the school have lent me over the holidays (Wasn't fun carrying all of it, I tell you right now)
I joined them about 3pm and went right through with them until 9am although it was easier for me because I didn't have to stick the restriction of gaming non-stop and had a longer sleep the night before.
I've never done anything quite like it. I took a risk in taking the Digital SLR because if anything happens to it, i'm liable and Nicholas' house isn't a place you'd want to be taking it to.
But I did and it was worth it. I documented the marathon, taking a photo of the guys once an hour. I'd post something on here but they wouldn't like that (even thought they wouldn't find out) and I wouldn't do that to them anyway.
Loads of people stopped by about 7/8pm and it got really distracting and we couldn't concentrate on what we were doing but when they went things calmed down and we got some KFC which kept us going for a while.
I thought it was a bit strange though, that Nicholas didn't take part due to it being at his house. He dropped off at about 4am leaving just us 4.
Obviously, we all got annoyed at each other at points out of boredom and being tired. Staring at a screen for that long really isn't easy and I didn't even do it half as much as they did.
We achieved it however. Got through to 9am and went to sleep. Although when I woke up, I found out that the guys raised over £200 between them. Awesomesauce. Probably could have been about £250+ if i was in the team to help but I've pledged to them that I'll join them next year. They guys are going to donate it to a local children's hospital by the way ^^
The whole thing just totally throws your sleeping pattern though. Mine is screwed as the best of times but it's going to be really out of whack for the rest of the week as i'm going back to Nicholas' house tomorrow for a party. I couldn't be bothered staying for 3 nights in a row so i'm home now to take a shower and freshen up etc. before going back tomorrow.
It should be good. There's gonna be a lot of people there and Kev has said directly to me that when he's drunk he's probably going to come onto me so I'm not quite sure how i'll handle that one...
I was supposed to be going to my film club tomorrow as well but I don't think I will be now because of Nicholas' party - I'd arrive too late. I feel really guilty because we are filming a trailer for the annual film festival next Sunday so it would be best if i was in attendance but i'll make something up. Don't feel good about it but i will. I don't go to many parties (compared to other people) but this is one that I'm not missing.
There's another meeting for the film group on Wednesday though so I can go to that one to make up for me missing this.
As well as the gaming marathon, Friday was busy as well. 7 of us were round at Rob's house helping him move stuff for a new extension and got paid 20 quid. Looks like the next few days are going to be busy, too, so just thought I'd throw a little update out there for everyone while I can!
I'm writing this post at 4am with school to attend in 5 hours because of my damn sleeping pattern.
Monday knocked it out of me and when i got home at about 8pm (after leaving the house 12 hours previously) all i wanted to do was get some food in me and go to bed, which i did, and unfortunately woke up now. I didn't plan to.
So i'm currently writing this listening to The Beatles Anthology 2, on loan from my dad's uncle (my great uncle). I've had all 3 of them for about a month but have only got round to it now that he's asked for them back. They're really good so far although Anthology 1 will probably be my least favourite because admittedly, i'm not a big fan of The Beatles early stuff. Some of it is good but in pales in comparison to the likes of Revolver and Sgt. Pepper's etc. Can't wait to get to that section in the next 2 hours or so!
Anyhow.
Recent times have been quite busy.
There wasn't one day last week that i came home after school and went on Xbox or my laptop or whatever. Monday was my film group, as usual. Tuesday i went to see a new documentary about George Harrison (called "Living in the Material World") which was very enjoyable if not a little long but of course, such a busy and interesting life takes 208 minutes to get through :P
A lot of interesting things about the man were uncovered and i urge any fans to see it when it eventually comes to tv which i think it probably will in parts. It might have already in the US, not sure, but this was the first public screening of it ever in the UK to my knowledge.
Wednesday was another film group meeting (yes, there's two or three a week now!)
Thursday... i actually forgot what i was doing but i certainly didn't go home after school :S
Hmm, weird. I can't remember.
And Friday, i went to see Melancholia. Wasn't great. Visually it is, but that alone can't carry a film. It's just too boring and not enough happens to make it engaging. Depressing, too, and not a film that really appeals to me. Ho hum.
I went to see it with Kev and we'd been planning to see something for a while and he built it up as a little date (awwwww) even though we did nothing apart from actually watch the film. I couldn't anyway, and didn't want to haha
If you want to mess around with someone in the cinema go and see something you know you have no interest in! Certainly, the cinema we went to, (the one i go to for my film club) you would never have done anything - it's for people who are more than casual film fans in all honesty :P
Go to some tacky multi-plex.
Saturday was a bit odd coz i stayed at somebody's house that i barely know. I honestly just wanted to spend the day in the house but everyone was eager for me to go so i did. Josh and Nicholas and a few others i know were there but i was mostly outnumbered by people i had never met which is fine by me but just a little awkward.
The people i don't know are actually people that i'll be going to the Lake District with. Can't remember if i talked about it or not yet but if i didn't then about 25 of us have rented this place somewhere in the Lake District next summer. Should be good!
A number of people have expressed their dislike of there being alcohol there but quite frankly fuck them. It's an end of school holiday, with friends, no parents. I've paid as much as they have and i'll be 18 by the time so i'll do as i please thanks :D
A number of us share this view.
Back to this house "party" which wasn't really a party. It was the first time in about 5 days i'd had something decent to eat (I'd been living of Subway last week basically) and the host of the house made curry, of all things.
There wasn't any booze or anything involved on the night but we had the house to ourselves and had a massive game of Capture the Flag and then watched a film called Youth and Revolt and played some sexy Twister ;)
People say it's only fun with alcohol involved but i disagree. I also have to talk about something strange. There was a girl there i'd never met before but there was something about her... I don't know. I think she was quite cute, and i was really happy when playing a game of Twister with her.
Weird, huh?
Well, i don't think anyone can seriously be 100% exclusively gay :P
Getting back home on Sunday afternoon, i was greeted by a kitten. Yes, we got a kitten. Why, i don't know. As cute as it is, it's just annoying and unnecessary seeing as we already have a cat AND a dog. This thing steps in the door and everyone bows down to it.
No.
Plus, i think i'm allergic to the fucking thing. I'd be quite happy for it not to be here, harsh as that sounds.
So yeh, past few weeks or so have been busy times indeed.
They ain't a-stoppin' either.
At least today will be the first day in a while where i can just come home from school and relax. Wednesday and Thursday i'll probably be at the film club again. Friday, i dunno but it'll be the last day of school before the October break next week.
Already got plans for Saturday. All according to plan, the film group will be filming a trailer which should be great fun (the basis of it is my idea after all) but it means i'll have to miss the big Liverpool vs Man United game - although if we're not filming i will watch it. Also, i'll be going to Nicholas' place to provide some moral support for Josh, Rob and another friend who are doing a charity event called Extra Life, a 24 hour gaming marathon.
I'd do it as well if i didn't already have previous engagements but i'll go round in the evening with my Xbox and join them for their second half probably. They're starting at 8am and finishing at the same time on Sunday morning. Can only imagine the amount of Lucozade and food that will be there.
But it's just the start if things at Nicholas' house. His parents are away all next week so his house will be getting trashed by a drunken load of us at least once, if not twice. The thing is that Kev (who i seen Melancholia with) has already told me that he is going to try and pull (kiss/snog) me when drunk.
I can tell - obviously with that statement - that he's got a bit of a thing for me but i'm sorry to say i don't harbour the same feelings about him. I like him but i'm not attracted to him. People would probably just say let it happen, get yourself a bit and maybe i will, maybe i won't. I can't predict what will or won't happen when i'm drunk :P
I'm looking forward to this random party anyhow, it's been far too long without one!
And i'm looking forward to having next week off as well. I can relax finally, and i think deservedly, as i've been more than a little rushed off my feet lately.
Ciao for now.
Rowan <3
PS Anthology 2 is really getting good now. Rare take of Tomorrow Never Knows was quite sublime and these Sgt.Pepper's tracks are tripping me to hell.
So this post is quite heavy and clearly not the cheeriest post i'll ever write but i feel quite strongly on the matter so here it goes.
I started writing this post on Wednesday when i mentioned Jamey Rodemeyer's death at the end of my last post and then just kept writing and writing until i just decided to make a whole post from it.
It's like a continuation of my last post, if you like.
I'm also sure that i wasn't the only one that got fucking angry and depressed upon hearing about Jamey's death. Yet another young life lost, needlessly. Not that they ever are easy to hear or read about, mind. Probably didn't help that the site i read about it linked to his Tumblr and Twitter where you could read with your own eyes, on Jamey's page, what was effectively his suicide note.
I'm not going to post it on here. It's not something i want to actually type out myself or even copy and paste for that matter. It can be found easily enough on Google anyway.
Perhaps the worst thing of all is the fact that Jamey made a video for "It Gets Better" which this website also had a link to and i could barely bring myself to watch it. It was just heartbreaking.
All of this might sound strange coming from someone who is actually around Jamey's age but that's what makes it so saddening when I, personally, read about LGBT suicides. People my age who are taking their own lives. Makes me step back and think.
I went through a dark time myself. Before this blog started wasn't a good period in my life so i'm grateful to myself (if that makes any sense?) that i never did anything drastic but maybe more about that another time.
Anyway, because of that, i'm hit quite emotionally whenever i hear about a young person killing them self, and every time i ask the exact same question:
When are people going to wake up and smell what they're shovelling and act like proper fucking human beings?
This has just gone on for far too long.
Over the past year or two, i'm sure you're aware that there has been a spate of young LGBT suicides - or rather, perhaps, an increase in the reporting of them - the cold fact is that this has more than likely been happening for far longer than any of us would like to imagine. It just seems that the media has cottoned on now.
I don't know what the definitive answer is to put a stop to teen suicides such as Jamey's or the countless other people that have taken their lives. There probably isn't one definitive answer.
Some might say it's in the "It Gets Better" videos. Yes, a wonderful, loving idea and one i do support but say there's a 12 or 13 year old who's unsure/confused/depressed watching that. "Gets" better is still a long way to go for someone of that age.
It shouldn't be that people have to wait for their situation to get better. It should be that it doesn't have to get better. It should ALREADY be better regardless of what age and sexuality you are, because we're all human bloody beings- the same. Equal.
Of course, you've got to remember that we're dealing with real life here and that for everybody on earth to have that mindset is impossible but "It Gets Better" seems like a sort of... temporary solution.
I see the love behind it, the willingness to help, the willingness to put a stop to needless suicides of young people but, and it pains me say it, it isn't quite working.
It works to an extent, granted but imagine - and trust me, i'd rather not - some poor kid at the end of desperation, with only their mind fixed on a way out. Some Youtube videos aren't going to save them.
It probably sounds like i'm against this whole campaign when i'm actually in total favour of it but it doesn't take a genius to see that more has to be done. It Gets Better doesn't have to be abolished or anything, no way am i even suggesting that. It gives hope, which is great of course but that could be many years of hope for some people and in various cases it might be too late for It Gets Better to help. Take Jamey, who actually made one of these videos.
I'd rather not be all downbeat about this and I don't have the answer.
I don't know if anyone has the answer.
I have an opinion however.
My opinion is that discrimination (and youth suicides as a result) will decrease the sooner same-sex marriage becomes legal around the globe.
Completely? No. We are a minority after all, and always will be. It's a fact. But the sooner it is legalised, the sooner more people will open their eyes.
When i say "soon" i'm not talking a few years, unfortunately. I'm talking at least a couple of generations. Perhaps 70 years from now (estimate) and that's just the Western world.
I doubt Jamey's death will be the last we hear of, unfortunately, if we're talking that time period but the sooner people become more at ease with homosexuality, the sooner needless deaths will be stopped.
You might say that many people are already quite comfortable with homosexuality and that is true, but evidently not enough are. Same sex marriage is banned in more countries than it's allowed.
Britain seems to be getting close to legalising it and more USA states seem to be pushing for it which is good to see. This also has the backing of many top celebrities. Lady Gaga, for example. I'm not a big fan of her music personally but it warms my heart to see someone so popular have such wide regard for equality and that influence on young people.
Anyway, i do believe that if and when same-sex marriage is legalised, it will embed itself within today's society and thus society, as a whole, will have a better understanding and acceptance of homosexuality.
If you think about it, it's the next step. Where does the LGBT community go from here? Marriage, surely.
As i said, opinions won't change overnight but when we have equality i think things will change.
Marriage should be open to all and the fact that it isn't for same-sex couples makes us seem like second class citizens and people will continue to think that's the way the LGBT community should be treated.
It certainly has an influence on the way young people see it. Difference of any kind is the target of bullies in high schools and being different in terms of sexuality is like the holy fucking grail. Even for those who aren't bullies, there is a general negative attitude.
I see it everyday so i think i'm allowed to comment. People who don't have, and never have had, a bully mentality making negative comments about gays. The attitude is often handed down from parents, from a generation who knew very little about homosexuality. Changes are noticeable now because that generation is being ushered out by a younger generation who know more about homosexuality and have a wider acceptance because of that.
Really, this is the perfect time to move forward with marriage. With how far LGBT equality has come so far, this can be a big push to come down hard on discrimination and stop these needless deaths.
Barack Obama, David Cameron, any other politicians can express their sorrow and regret for young suicides and make videos for It Gets Better but why do that when they can legalise marriage for all?
It just makes sense.
Again, that's just my opinion on how needless deaths such as Jamey's can be avoided. It may take a long time for everyone to warm to the idea but the old saying goes, "Every journey starts with a small step" and those small steps have indeed been taken, so we are already part of this journey. Period.
It might not be the only answer as i said, but i'd say it's definitely one of them. I'd be interested to hear your opinion on the matter of what can be done to put a stop to the discrimination and prejudice that is claiming the lives of more and more people. The more opinions the better really.
I know this may also have been a bit of a task to read and not the happiest either, so i'll leave you with a link to a humorous gallery of pro same-sex marriage signs :)
Hey guys, just a little update to say that today I got an appeal accepted for my English exam - It's just like last year: after having been on track for getting an A in English but getting a B in the exam, my appeal for an A went through :)
I'm really happy about it for a few reasons. 1) Because i was pretty good at English last year and expected to get an A and 2) Because English ruined what would have been five straight A's - a perfect score.
I now have that perfect score xD
Media - A
French - A
Music - A
Spanish - A
English - A
Still can't say i think the work and studying i did across last year warranted those results but i'm not going to complain now, am I? :P
It also means that the only exam i have ever sat in my life in which i didn't get an A is maths the year before last - I got a B.
Not too shabby, I must say. Not too shabby at all.
I'm afraid i'm going to counter the good news with some bad now.
I'm sure most who read this blog are aware of Jamey Rodemeyer, a 14 year old boy who sadly took his own life after being bullied because of his sexuality.
I'm preparing a longer post about this, and LGBT suicides as a whole that i'll work on over the next few days but for now i'd just like to spare some thoughts for Jamey.
He really is becoming a more important person in my life, i'll admit it.
I don't think i've ever had a closer friend, even when my friendship with Steven was at it's greatest.
I'm glad i can talk to Josh and be open. I recall a post about a year or so ago where i said i longed for someone who i could just talk to like i was able to with Lauren when i came out to her and well, Josh seems to have answered that call :)
So i was round at his house again last night. I took my bass, amp and everything. Played a bit but not an awful lot - his brothers were round. Had a good laugh with them.
They're both older than Josh but quite similar in many respects. The middle brother is quite a nerd, plays lots of video games and all while the eldest brother is a very good guitar player and has a wide knowledge of music in general. Josh kind of bridges the gap between them as he is both a nerd and good musician.
They all have the same kind of humour as well so it's no wonder we got on so well :P
Anyway, that wasn't the point in this post.
The point was that i let out more of my little ickle secrets to Josh. It's weird. Everyone does... tell Josh their secrets. He's like this hub of information on everyone. I don't know why so many people tell him so many things but we just all do.
Not that Josh reveals much, or any, at all... to anyone. He does this annoying thing where he goes, "Oh the stories i could tell you about him/her" and then doesn't say anything. It's infuriating but i love him for it. However, i guess people trust him because he's trustworthy. Makes sense :P
I'm straying again. The things i told Josh last night are actually things i've never even mentioned on this blog.
I never talk about my sexual happenings on here. It's not something i believe i need to, or want to, go into detail on, and this post will also be PG-13 so no explicit stuff. Sorry, perverts!
But because i don't post about that i get the feeling that everyone thinks all is quiet on the western front, which is true at this moment but it hasn't always been and this is what i told Josh last night.
The back story to this comes from earlier in the week during a free period at school where Josh, another friend and I were sitting about chatting. This other guy is quite a whore, he honestly has no standards and has probably done more with guys than i have :P
Anyhow, he started playing the alphabet game with the rule being provide a name beginning with every letter that you have pulled/snogged/kissed etc.
So he goes from about A through to H without stopping and Josh adds the occasional name in of people he's pulled.
I'm meanwhile sitting there a bit depressed :P I have a few to add but not right there so i stayed shtum.
I brought this back up at Josh's house after we went to bed and we just had some bro chat :3
I said, "How depressing was that alphabet game the other day?" to which he just went, "Meh, i did ok"
So i challenged him and asked what the real truth of it was so we effectively played the game again and i knew my plan was working - I wanted to tell Josh. I don't know why. I just thought that since he was a good friend why bother hiding it? (since i knew i could trust him with secrets anyway)
So he goes through his list and after G he says, "Hmm, don't think i've got an H" and i go, "Hold on, you didn't ask about my G"
"Oh?"
"Yeh, i've never told anyone but i trust you with it"
But instead of me telling him he wanted to guess!
Do i know them?
Not really.
Is it someone in our year?
Yes.
Guy or a girl?
... Guy.
Oh, interesting. G, you say?
Yep.
He couldn't think of any guys' names he kinda knew beginning with a G so i just had to tell him.
T'was a guy called Gary, to which Josh knew who it was, sort of and went, "Really, i didn't know he swung that way" and i told him the truth is that i don't know if he is gay either because it was a few years ago and he currently has a girlfriend so he might have just been finding out with me.
"Well at least you're not a VL (Virgin Lips)" he said and laughed and i desperately wanted to tell him that we didn't just kiss but i didn't say. He didn't need to know, and probably didn't want to know every single detail anyway.
My reply to Josh was just, "Yeah, we messed around a bit but it wasn't anything serious" and it wasn't, in fact. I couldn't have seen myself ever going out with Gary. We used to get on the school bus together and on a few occasions i went back to his for a while and... yeah :P
Anyway, he wasn't bothered by it and we continued to play the game. H-N was busier for Josh who was racing through his list, trying, i think to see if there was any more on my part. He was giving up by V and said, "I've not got a W"
"Oh, but i have"
"Oh?"
Again, he wanted to guess.
Do i know them?
Sort of... maybe a bit but i'm not sure.
Is it someone in our year?
No.
Guy or a... wait, what?
Yeah, not our year.
Ok, guy or a girl?
Guy again.
I can only think of one guy beginning with W i kind of know who isn't in our year...
Yes.
It isn't... your friend, William, in the year below us is it?
... Yeh, it is.
Wow, now that's surprising.
The story with William is that both his mum and my mum were quite good friends with each other for many years. I'll cut the long story short by saying that when he was 13, and turned 14, and i was 15 he instigated things - he used to stay around here from time to time - and we messed around some. It stopped after my mum and his mum fell out and the only time i really ever see William now is in school.
Now you might be thinking what Josh was when i told him (again i didn't tell him we experimented like that, just that we kissed a few times) - that that is a little dodgy, considering both our ages but i didn't, and never would have let things go too far.
As i said, it was only experimenting but it was probably a good thing that his mum and mine fell out when they did in that case because a few months later i'd have turned 16 and if this was still happening then *that* would have been dodgy, but i think by that time i'd have stopped it.
I'm just going to put it out there, again, that i wasn't the one who started things. I wouldn't have ever guessed William was gay let alone start anything with him. Also, i don't even know if William is gay but questions must be raised if he continued to be up for messing around. Thinking about it, he probably is (or at least bi) but like with Gary, we never went out. Just experimented.
Josh was still recovering from the surprise that i had kissed someone who was over a year my junior so thank goodness i only told him we kissed a few times!
He then proceeded to label me "the new ped" as Rob went out with a girl two years younger than him and had sex with her (now *that* is dodgy) When we all found out we called him a ped haha
I took comical umbridge to the suggestion of being compared to Rob and said how dare he compare us.
He said he was joking and nobody would ever be more of a ped than Rob :P
Still, if this information got out like it did for Rob then i think a lot more would be made of it...
Fuck, i trusted Josh a great deal telling him that. I'm sure he can keep it to himself though.
I rounded things off by telling him briefly about JJ/Richard but i didn't go into much detail because that could have led to this blog and that just ain't happening.
Josh thinking i'm bi is probably now out of the question. He pretty much knows for sure i'm a raging homosexual :P
Still, what i told him is probably a lot to take in.
As for anyone reading this, please don't be irked that i'm only talking it now. Especially when the things that took place with Gary and William were more or less going on a few months before i started, and when i started this blog, so i could have posted about it.
I chose not to.
My main reason for doing so is for my own privacy. Why should anyone know the details anyway?
Also because i don't want my blog overrun with perverts looking for sex stories and sending creepy comments. There isn't going to be a change of policy - if you want that stuff, go to Nifty or something.
I've seen it on the blogs. People my age (or maybe pretending to be) making smutty posts and getting loads of sad, old pervert followers. I don't want that. I like what i'm grateful enough to have now: people who enjoy my posts for what they are and are willing to go out their way and write helpful and meaningful comments if i ever happen to be in a position of difficulty, and the rest of course.
I don't want to jeopardise that and i'm never going to so i can only end my 2nd blogaversary post by dedicating it to everyone who comes here!
I honestly only remembered the anniversary two minutes ago! I thought i'd finished the post when i looked at the date in the corner of my screen and went, "17th September... that means something... oh yeah!" and then changed the posts' title :P
Really, i know it's been said before but it hasn't become any less true: Thanks for reading and thanks for all your comments, everything is appreciated. I can only now apologise that i didn't prepare anything bigger as a little celebration but i'm not very good at that kind of thing anyway. Just take heart in the knowledge that i've spent about 2 hours tailoring this post and making sure it reads well! xD
I mean, i guess i can make sense of it. It can't be easy for a parent to understand, especially when they grew up with a completely opposite mindset, but i just wish it wasn't that way.
This belief i have stems from a few things i notice from time to time but particularly one event recently. I was watching tv, there was nothing on apart from Blondie performing at some festival. I was barely watching but afterwards, i went downstairs and my dad goes, "That you listening to Blondie?"
"Was the only thing to watch..."
"Tell you what, I'd still be up for her"
"Okay, Dad"
He didn't leave it there though. Even as a gay guy, i can tell that Blondie is hardly attractive. She's basically a walking hunk of plastic. Sorry, it's true so i found it quite funny when my dad said that in all honesty but as i said, he kept going.
"What, you saying you wouldn't?"
"No, i wouldn't" I said, slightly confused at this point for obvious reasons.
"Well, i definitely would", he continued, "When i was your age... phwoah!"
Well, perhaps she looked better 30 years ago, i don't really know or care.
"Thought you might have been checking her out for a minute"
The sheer thought revolted me but then just confused me even further. I didn't say it but i was thinking, "You know i'm gay, WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS?"
I struggle to find any other explanation than the one i provided at the top of this post. That, combined with being in the car with my dad and he'll occasionally go, "Oh, that one's a looker, eh?" as i suppose straight guys do but when i'm in the car with him... why?
Also, i get on with some of my dad's friends. One of whom's son i used to be quite good friends with myself a few years ago and we've seen each other more regularly as of late but more on that another time, i'm straying from the story (and no, it's nothing sexual)
I get on with some of my dad's friends. They're quite young at heart and easy-going. Up for a laugh kind of guys. Yet even when i'm in the room my dad, and his friends, will still come out with the gay jokes or whatever. Okay, not exactly gay jokes in the sense but there's the kind of atmosphere there and things are said which hints that being gay is something negative and should be discouraged.
Again, i suppose it's a generation thing and them being his friends for the best part of thirty years means that their attitudes aren't going to suddenly change. It's different when they're not around of course, that same atmosphere doesn't exist and i do enjoy the company of some of my dad's friends but if he really cared, and i mean PROPERLY cared, my dad could go out of his way and put a stop to it. He doesn't but it just adds fuel to my argument that my dad hasn't properly come to terms with the fact that i'm gay yet.
That "Blondie" incident recently provoked this post but there are other examples of his attitude. I don't suppose there's much i can do about it and perhaps i shouldn't complain because i am quite fucking lucky that i'm not hated by my parents or anything considering how they grew up. I know they love me and care for me and blah-de-bloody-blah but it's just something that really grinds at me and brings me down.
Maybe i just have to wait for my dad to change (maybe my mum, too, if i'm honest although that's not as big an issue.) Then again, my dad might not change but i know for certain that i'm definitely not going to so it is him that has to come to terms with it now, not me.
Just thought I'd throw that observation out there. Hello everyone.
Like last year, i am again going to commemorate Freddie Mercury's birthday. This year would have been his 65th. Weird thought.
Freddie Mercury, to me, is an absolute inspiration, and i wasn't even alive during his lifetime.
Simply going back and watching old videos, watching Live Aid or Queen at Wembley just does something to me. I don't know what it is. Obviously, Queen as whole band are legendary but no one can deny that Freddie is the member who just grabs you immediately.
His charisma, personality and stage presence were, are, and (i find it highly unlikely) to ever be matched.
It is for such reasons that i have a poster solely of Freddie at Wembley directly opposite my bed.
My dad told me a wonderful story a few years back about the day he passed away. He went down to the shops to get a newspaper as he did every morning and the headline was about Freddie Mercury's death and my dad was left speechless - he's always been quite a big Queen fan.
He skipped work that morning as the only thing he could think of doing was going to church (this was during his more religious years) to light a candle and say a prayer for him.
I bet he wasn't the only one that day.
I could go on and on about how Muse are my favourite band - i know i have on here - and how i adore them and whatever but not even i can deny that they will never match Queen's, and in particular Freddie Mercury's, musical talent and song writing ability. They can put on an amazing show but i know fine well that my dad speaks the truth when he says that a Queen concert is like nothing on this earth. He's one of those lucky people to have seen them live. '79 i think.
Think of it this way. If, somehow, Freddie was to bring himself back for a day and put on a Queen concert in the middle of the Mongolian outbacks, I would do all in my power to be there.
As i said, i wasn't even ever alive while Freddie was and every year on this day i'm reminded of that fact and it makes me genuinely sad. I was three years too late for that, but i'm sure for many - and certainly for myself - Freddie Mercury will live on forever in our hearts, in our minds and through the amazing music he wrote and performed.
Freddie is king.
Rowan <3
This may have been a Brian May song but listening to the lyrics it's as if Freddie is singing to you from beyond the grave. Sheer brilliance.
Woke up on the Saturday morning, feeling a little rough. Didn't get much sleep because dad wanted to get on the road early for some reason.
Anyhow, we packed into the car and headed for London. Took about 4 hours in all i think. I always love coming off the motorway into Surrey, specifically the area we used to live. There's just something i love about the place. It's really nice. Lucky the sun was out and i stuck my head out the window.
Our accommodation whilst staying in London was actually provided free of cost since we have lots of family down there but we stayed with old friends across the road in the street we used to live in.
Bryan, naturally, felt a bit awkward meeting everyone as they were all new to him. Everyone was as nice as possible to him but the only time he came downstairs all night was for dinner!
He and my brother warmed to each other by their interest (obsession, rather) in all things gaming so i didn't feel bad by leaving them while i caught up and had a few beers with everyone else.
Trying to get to sleep that night was quite annoying. The room was really stuffy. I shared a bed with Bryan again (ahmygawd) but the bed was quite uncomfortable.
He sat up at one point, alarmed and said, "Crap i think i seen a spider on the bed" so we searched for a minute or so but found nothing and he just went, "Ah, i must have been dreaming"
It was quite sweet :3
However, I'd say sleeping that night was difficult not because of the room being stuffy or the bed being uncomfortable but, in absolute honesty, because of the fact that what i think about on a regular basis, what i have dreamt about on numerous occasions was inches in front of me. The temptation to throw my arm over Bryan's shoulder and cuddle him was agonising. There was like this invisible barrier between him and I that just said, "FORBIDDEN" on it.
It was actually quite depressing. I lay there on my side just staring at him, wishing, knowing that it's just impossible.
Sharing the bed was nice but, to put it bluntly, downright painful. A case of being so close to what i desire, yet so far away from it at the same time :(
But despite this, i thought of something else at the same time that made me feel happier: I was lying in that same spot about 9 months ago when we went to London for Grandma Knitter's funeral. My brother and I shared that very bed. If you were to tell me then, that in 9 months time i would be lying in the same bed but with Bryan next to me instead of my brother, i'd have called you a nutter.
I think it shows that mine and Bryan's friendship has developed well over the year we've known each other :)
Was really quite tired waking up on the Sunday. Needed a few more hours, but the nerves about tickets and travelling etc were all there again so i didn't even eat breakfast.
Getting to Reading was a bit more complicated. Had to take a train then a replacement bus, then a further shuttle bus. Would have been another 3 trains if my dad didn't drop us at a certain station. I hate navigating the South East. But it reminded me of getting to Wembley last year and it was just something that added to the event. Don't let anyone tell you different - getting there is all part of the experience!
Go into Reading central about noon and didn't quite know where to go from there, where the shuttle bus was etc. so we saved a few quid, followed the crowds and got there after about half an hour's walk.
Tickets again, were fine and we got our wristbands without hassle.
Moar bands xD
Getting to the arena itself was actually quite a trek. Weren't quite sure where we were going, cutting through campsites and everything. I tell you what though, the smell at Reading was ripe. 4th day of one of the UK's biggest festivals. Not very hygienic i must say :P
We had a plan of who we were going to see that day so the first half an hour in the arena was spent filling up on drinks, going to the toilet and getting food - not necessarily in that order. Frank Turner was first this time, enjoyed his set at Leeds and his set at Reading was enjoyable as well although it was pretty much the exact same. Even his speeches were rehearsed. I was able to recite them out of memory as he said them haha
The crowd being told to sit the fuck down by Frank Turner :P
After Frank Turner, we headed to The Alternative Stage to catch Tim Minchin but the tent was so crowded that when he came on, we couldn't see anything. I like Tim Minchin but not enough to just stand there and listen to him so we left :(
Without anything to do, we caught Warpaint in the NME Tent. Josh adores them and said we should see them so we did. We sat near the back of the tent and got chatting to a few people. Told them we had been to Leeds and like everyone we told, they were shocked haha. I said it was mainly for Muse but we get to experience both festivals and see other bands. Truth :P
Warpaint weren't bad but weren't anything to shout about either although i did head into the crowd to take a few snaps.
Back to the main stage after this for the rest of the day. Seen Friendly Fires and Interpol. Just sat near the second barrier with a small deckchair we brought with us - lifesaver.
They weren't very good and Interpol must be one of the most boring live bands on the planet. Had such a small crowd, too. I investigated during their set and got about 5 rows from barrier without much hassle. After they finished we placed the deckchair behind the barrier and headed into the growing crowd for Elbow and Muse, in anticipation of a few very special hours.
Elbow, i have to say, were fucking fantastic. Enjoyed them at Leeds but at Reading they were just perfect. The sun was setting and that was just so suiting for a band like Elbow. Got about 7 or 8 rows from barrier at this point - knew we should have headed in properly during Interpol!
The only Elbow song i properly know is Grounds for Divorce which was great live but the have other fantastic songs such as the beautiful One Day Like This, Open Arms, Neat Little Rows. It was majestic.
Camera video i took of Elbow coming on.
:O... :D Woooo! \o/
The calm before the storm :P
\o/
(final picture before Muse)
Immediately after Elbow things got hectic. The crowd surged forward and we were crammed in like sardines. Even before Muse came on the "domino effect" started happening. If you can't guess, it's where stupid drunk cunts start pushing people just to make others fall over and smash into other people, thus making them fall over. And this was before Muse even came on. I was already a bit scared and had already lost Bryan - was looking forward to sharing at least some of the gig with him :(
When Muse came on with New Born, shit got real. Domino effect every 30 seconds and crushing like nothing else. After fighting for my life during New Born, Bliss and Space Dementia (being unable to enjoy them) i tried my best to retreat a little and managed to get to a slightly safer spot and pay attention to the gig.
I've honestly never been in such a rough crowd. Wembley had a lot of crushing but not to this effect. This was simply the fault of people being drunk and being twats, although i still did my standard confetti throwing during Feeling Good and managed to take a few videos on my phone but the quality is pretty crap.
Darkshines
Megalomania (fiery stuff!)
The flames at Leeds were better - they even melted part of the stage :P
After Megalomania finished Origin, i said to some random hardcore fan that is was unbelievable, and saddening, that it's the last time those songs will probably be played again. He agreed and we both started chanting for Dead Star! :P
I then decided to chance my arm and head back to the front. Wasn't gonna let some rich, spoiled twats who's mummy and daddy paid for their weekend spoil my fun.
Thankfully, things had calmed down by the time Uprising came on and i was able to enjoy the rest of the set. Got about 3 or 4 rows from the front by the end. Reading highlight was this:
I was on the right side of the stage, as i always am at Muse gigs, so i had a great view of that bassline and that guitar solo played right in front of me. It was so epic even though it was the 4th time i'd seen it!
Stockholm Syndrome was apparently one of Muse's best performances ever, according to people who watched it on tv, but all i remember is going mental with two random guys and jumping about while everyone else stood and watched. Their loss :P
Knights of Cydonia closed the set as usual which is a bit unexciting as it always does it's but always insane fun at the end, as i said.
Some pics:
A Man With a Harmonica
Fin.
Muse saying their goodbyes.
Unfortunately, having watched the tv broadcast of Muse since, i can't spot myself on it. I recognise a few people but that's about it. Also, i'm pissed off that Muse didn't want to show Origin of Symmetry in full. Scared because they hadn't played the songs in years. Like anyone cares. The entire Muse fanbase was looking forward to watching it, and personally i'd have loved to relive it. I love Muse but it's so typical of them to pull something like that. Need to hope they release a DVD. Certainly, there will be fan-made recordings at least.
Yeah, quite disappointed with that and not getting on tv for Muse, although maybe if the whole set was broadcast i might have been.
Bryan and I can be seen during Elbow however...
:D
Anyway, i regrouped with Bryan after the gig and part of my life had been fulfilled by that time. Seriously.
We walked back to the train station, shattered, where my dad and uncle picked us up after a while. It was weird walking around an unknown town centre at 1am...
When we got back, i just crashed into bed, but i was so happy. I had just experienced one of the best weekends of my life, and i shared it with Bryan who was lying beside me as these thoughts ran through my head. It was a surreal moment. My expectations had been more than surpassed. The following statement is also true: I have slept with Bryan.
;D
Ok, not in that sense but waking up the next morning and his smile being the first thing i seen made me so happy :)
We travelled home on Monday, by car, and when we dropped Bryan off i thanked him and told him how grateful i was because, without him this weekend would have never happened. I wouldn't have gone on my own and i would never have been able to see two gigs that will go down in Muse history. I know he wasn't as bothered about seeing them twice as i was, but he did and i have a feeling it was partly for my benefit. Gave him the biggest hug i could have given and told him i'd never forget the past few days. No words were needed on his part, just a smile.
When all is said and done, i have to be honest, i enjoyed Leeds more than Reading. The people i met were nicer and i didn't almost die in the crowd. It was also more special because it was the first time seeing those songs and the second time at Reading, i knew what was going to happen. Not even one tear was shed during Citizen Erased at Reading! :P
Don't get me wrong, Reading was epic and more comfortable because the sun was out but Leeds just had something for me, personally, that Reading didn't. The crowd problems at Reading were scary and made me miss some of the gig but it certainly didn't spoil it. I still seen one of my favourite albums live twice, attended two historic Muse concerts and for that i feel extremely privileged.
I'm a lucky guy, but i'm now a broke guy. Although i really don't care - you couldn't put a price on that weekend :)
Sorry it's taken me a while to get round to doing this. Got back on Monday quite late and yesterday i was really tired. Probably made way for the cold i'm currently putting up with but i shall type away about Leeds first of all and Reading in another post in the next few days! *sniffles*
We left on Friday morning, that is, me, my dad who drove and my brother who came along for the ride and to miss some school :P
We picked Bryan up and headed for Leeds festival. The journey was quite meh, i was quite nervous for the whole thing as i usually am before going into a gig - I always worry that something is wrong with the tickets etc - We got to Leeds about 11am but didn't actually get into the site till around noon. Everything went smoothly by the way. On arrival, it was chucking it down and it was obvious that wellies were needed - lucky we brought a pair each. So we got our wristbands and entered the site.
Once inside, Bryan had to buy a rain poncho as he forgot any sort of waterproof clothing.
The first band we seen were Fucked Up. Personally, i wouldn't have gone to see them but the rain was really heavy so we went into the NME tent and they happened to be playing. I wanted to see Dananananaykroyd but we were too late. Fucked Up aren't my kind of music but they put on a good show nonetheless.
We decided to brave the rain at the main stage for Frank Turner and it was worth it. He was surprisingly good!
Now. Festivals aren't all about the music. In fact, just outside the arena there was an EA Games setup. They were showing advanced previews of Battlefield 3. I wouldn't have been interested in it but Bryan, being the obsessive gamer that he is, was all over it. I went with him of course, coz it was his festival as much as it was mine. We waited a while to get in and once we did all i really cared about was being dry for a while :P
We got some new gameplay footage and a test demo of the game which is apparently in pre-alpha stage or something :S
The demo was quite fun admittedly. I thought i'd be partnered with Bryan but we got separated and i played with some randomer who died within a few minutes :/ I blame the fact that it was on PS3!
Anyway, we got custom dog tags made for us by the staff and were told that this is the only public showing of this game at the moment so i guess we were rather privileged in hindsight.
Back in the rain, we watched Enter Shitkari and they were atrocious. Really don't like their music. Bryan does somewhat but admitted that their setlist and performance were crap. I was so bored by them that i took a picture of a depressed looking security guard.
The torrential downpour probably didn't make Enter Shitari any better.
I had to get some food after this because i was STARVING. Had to settle for some greasy, overpriced festival chips but they did the job i guess.
We caught the end of Panic! At the Disco because Death From Above 1979 were on after them.
Now DFA are on a reunion tour and haven't played in over 5 years. I've only got into them recently but their gig was great. Was cautious to begin with as i didn't want to hurt myself before Muse but i decided that since it may be the only time i'll get to see them live, i'd go down the front. Bryan stood nearer the back because he wasn't too impressed with them. Meh, i had a great time. Crowd were really up for it!
Seeing DFA was a little risky because they were on quite close to Muse so we ran in ankle deep mud from the NME tent to the main stage where we caught Elbow in the middle of their set. Just in time. I'd listened to Elbow before going and wasn't too enamoured with them but even in the rain they managed to brighten things up.
Guy Garvey is such a great frontman. Amazing voice as well, and now i'm certainly a lot more interested in the band.
Muse followed Elbow nearly an hour later and we had decent places for them. Probably about halfway between the sound desk and the stage, although i'd have liked to have been a bit closer.
Now, i had been waiting for this moment for months, and to see the songs Muse were going to perform for years so when they came on and the intro called 'What's He Building In There?' was played, i started to well up. Seriously. It's the intro to their best DVD which is such a brilliant gig - Hullabaloo. When it came on i just felt a tingle in the air and knew it was going to be a great night.
Not my video btw
And this is the version on the DVD:
On their DVD this is followed by, "Dead Star" so i got really excited, only for them to launch right into Origin of Symmetry with "New Born"
Would have like to see Dead Star but i wasn't too bothered. The gig of a lifetime was under way.
They proceeded to play Origin of Symmetry as i proceeded to bounce my way closer to the front without knowing it, losing Bryan in the process but that was always going to happen i think.
I met some awesome people in the crowd. An equally hardcore fan who i enjoyed Hyper Music with before joining up randomly with a group of other hardcore fans during Citizen Erased. I only realised i was a few rows from the front by about Darkshines. So maybe about 40 minutes in.
I proceeded to do my usual confetti throwing during Feeling Good as it's something that Matt Bellamy used to do in the Origin days but stopped. Although apparently he brought it back for Leeds. I didn't see coz i was throwing my own :P
Was quite sad after that when Megalomania was played as the album was coming to a close. But i was determined to enjoy it and i did. It was one of the highlights without a doubt. I met a Scottish guy in the crowd who asked if i wanted to go on his shoulders (i swear he fancied me or something, kept brushing my hair out my eyes :P) but i politely decline before thinking, "fuck it, why not" y'know? Not something i'll get to do an awful lot.
Was only probably on his shoulders for 30 seconds before he got tired but the view from there is something i'll take to my grave. Looking back all i could see was a sea of faces stretching as far as the eye could see and in front of me, an unobstructed view of Muse playing one of my favourite songs ever. It was just surreal. So grateful to that guy, that legend <3
After that unbelievable performance of one of my favourite albums of all time, i could have died right there. It was bliss. It was perfect. It was flawless.
The Scottish guy and I sang Celtic songs (my dad supports them, too, so i know a bit about them) during the break between Megalomania and Uprising. Probably getting some weird looks from people but who cares, it was great fun!
Muse went into the greatest hits part of their setlist after Origin, all of which i'd seen before so it was the cool down period but i enjoyed it nonetheless (except from the crap that is Undisclosed Desires, Resistance and Starlight) and took a few photos. It was still a bit disappointing that Muse didn't surprise us with any other rarities but then again, they just played about 8 of them so i shouldn't complain :P
It may not look very close but that's my camera for you. Plus, the barrier was further away than usual to allow for pyrotechnics etc.
They closed on Knights of Cydonia which is good to jump around to no matter how many times you've seen it - this occasion was my third - and afterwards i was done in. Met Bryan at a pre-arranged point afterwards, stumbled up to him and almost collapsed in the mud.
I literally could have fallen asleep there but we had to wait over an hour for a bloody taxi in the pouring rain. Not fun, but we got chatting to some people in the queue about the gig and everyone was really kind and funny. Weird, coz on the Muse Messageboard people have been saying that festival crowds, and especially Reading and Leeds crowds, are mostly twats. Maybe i missed them, at Leeds, and got lucky, coz most folk i met were great! :)
We eventually got our expensive taxi to the hotel where my dad and brother started laughing at the state of us. Not that we really cared. Bryan and I both had a shower (not together - i wish!) and we watched some Billy Connolly before going to bed.
I said before that i can never usually sleep after a gig but with Bryan by my side, the day couldn't have ended better and i slept like a log in anticipation of doing the whole thing again at Reading :)
I'm 19 years old and am a raging homosexual... yes I'm gay :P
This blog is simply where i can throw down thoughts, musings, frustrations... comical genius... (?) But through this blog I also hope to help anyone who is scared, confused, unsure or in need of some place to feel better about themselves :)
