Rollercoaster

Let me just start off by saying that i've not been outed at school, which is at least one positive i can take.

Still not having a great time however.

The reason for my post last night was a combination of many things; of course, being gay is one of them, and the difficulty that being in high school brings with it. Another is the fact that recently, a good number of my friends are in relationships and a lot of questions have been directed at me asking why im not/who i fancy etc.
This is happening also in light of social dance starting this week (pointless shite) which ive declared my dislike of but the pressure is, do i go ahead with it or deliberately miss it? Neither of these options are of particular advantage.
The constant is that school is busy as feck - I have a music pre-exam tomorrow and a big Spanish test (for example) and work is just really building up, not making things easier.

Anyhoo, the title for this post is basically as it says. Since i last posted, (before yesterday) things have been the equivalent of a rollercoaster: highs, lows etc.
I've listed most of the lows, which have been ongoing but the highs haven't. The highs have been more isolated events and incidents. Like, ive been to 4 gigs in the past two weeks and loved all of them.

This weekend, for example, was one the best of the year, if not of my life. I seen Biffy Clyro two nights in a row, the 1st night i went with Alan alone and we were in seating and the 2nd night i went with Bryan and another friend. We were supposed to be seating but some very generous mates helped us into standing which was awesome. Great gig, too. Biffy played a lot of their old stuff and i spent most of the concert jumping around next to a very hot and sweaty Bryan :P
When Biffy played Many of Horror, i was stood beside him, singing my heart out. Emotional stuff haha
All that after seeing Harry Potter, too, with Bryan. That was excellent, Saturday was an awesome day. Spent over 10 hours just with Bryan :D

But after the concert... oh no :(

We managed to catch the early train home and after a little hug goodbye from Bryan (i count third of the day) i returned home, freezing. Dad was waiting up for me, watching some tv and i sat down too, whipped out my ipod for a little facebook check:
Biffy post
Biffy post
Biffy post
RIP Grandma
Biffy post
Biff.... wait!?

That post was from my cousin, one of the cousins we stayed with during the summer, in London. The grandma he was refering to... Grandma Knitter. The very same grandma who's last words to me were "Have a good life"
I showed my dad immediately and he called our cousins in London.
Grandma Knitter isn't even a blood relative of ours but she was like family. Her name "Knitter" comes from the fact that she used to knit a lot. She even knitted a costume for a soft, toy rabbit that was given to me when i was born and still sits on my bed to this day.
She and her husband (who passed away a few years ago) helped my dad a lot years ago when he ran into difficulties etc. so my dad was really upset about it all and its really gotten everyone in the house down recently. It also means we'll be making our way to London in the coming week probably for a funeral.

And this is an example of "rollercoaster" again. One of the best nights of my life with my friends and no sooner does that finish, a relative dies. Wtf is that all about!?

At least after people on facebook knew i had a relative die, a lot of people were concerned which was very comforting. Got quite a few texts, even one off Bryan (who doesnt text a lot) and it was one of the lovliest texts ive ever received. He just said he was sorry about it all, and if i needed to talk to him i could. Obviously it was worded differently, but maybe it was just the fact that it was Bryan that sent it that made it so nice. It cheered me up a little, at least.

So yeah, that doesn't have much to do with last nights post but it added to my stress, i suppose, and my current "whats the point" attitude. I don't seem to be going anywhere, nothing great is happening, so why bother trying?
Seriously, ive been so lazy in school recently. Ive got a big Spanish test tomorrow and i havent revised once.

And as for the whole gay thing (trololololol) well, that is in reference to Bryan i guess. To some people, it might seem sort of like ive moved on from Alan to Bryan in terms of who im really interested in, but it genuinely feels like its more than that.
I think about Bryan too much, way more than i should, and way more than i ever did about Alan. A picture of Bryan is the background of my ipod for fucks sake! I made sure i took loads of pictures at the weekend for that reason. That probably sounds quite creepy...
But what gets me down about this?
Well, what really are the chances that he feels the same way as i do about him?
Probably about zero i'd say.

Now this problem wouldn't be as big if it were i girl i felt like this for. I'd at least be able to talk to my friends about it, and try and see what they think but as Bryan is obviously not a girl, it stays hidden. Silent. Locked away.

What the fuck is wrong with the world!? Why cant people like who they like without other assholes having something wrong with it?


Do i vent disgust when i see a guy and a girl kissing or holding hands in the corridor? No, coz i dont even hold any disgust for it in the first place.




Another reason i felt so crappy last night was because Bryan deleted his facebook (he hadnt long had it) and i kinda feel like i was at fault for it. Maybe i was, maybe i wasnt, but i think i was overloading how much i talked to him on it :/
He said its coz he just couldnt quite get into the whole "facebook" concept but i still think i pissed him off. Not a good feeling when you know (or even think) that someone you really like is pissed off at you.


*sigh* There's just a lot going on right now, and i dont like it - last night didn't help matters -  and my brain doesn't like it. Social dance is round the corner, which will be testing. My "over"like of Bryan is constantly on my mind. Got a funeral to attend soon. School is insane, for many reasons. I wish i was a bear - just hibernate for the next few months, that would be lovely - I could just totally escape from the world.

However, im not a bear, so i cant, but i know there must be serious signs of something wrong when a 16 year old boy searches for videos of Teletubbies on youtube to take his mind away from reality :/


Rowan


P.S Whether you're religious or not, can you keep Grandma Knitter in your thoughts/prayers please? Everyone misses her a lot and she was a great woman, so if could... cheers.

Why?

Why do you try?

Do you think you stand a chance?

As a gay guy in high school...





No.

Re: "That's So Straight"

Bet the title put some people off :P

"Oh there he goes ranting again about how the world is so homophobic and evil"

Ko. It's just a subject which seems to crop up a lot.


Since my last post about people using "gay" as a common term for "bad" or whatever, i've taken a sort of backseat approach, if you will.
You might say this is a bit sad or pathetic but i've kind of been studying why or when people use the term.

On a hitch, id actually put it down to tiredness and laziness. People not able to find a better word in their vocabulary to use and so immediately pluck "gay" out of the air because its so easy to use.

But there's still the fine line between someone saying it out of habit/not meaning offence and genuine prejudice.
For example (and i wonder what you think of this) I was talking to a guy the other day about Gears of War - a game on the Xbox 360 - and we were discussing how amazing the 3rd installment should be and this guy said "I don't care if it's bad. I don't even care if the two lead characters are gay bumboys, it'll still be amazing"

...

I'm not going to say who it was i was talking with but to me, he's never seemed to hate gays or anything and he doesn't go around calling things "gay" on a regular basis. In truth i was a bit surprised to hear him say this, and while it did still irk me, as it would if anyone said it, i questioned why he said it.

As i said, he isnt one for using such terms often. But there are many questions.
Was it an attempt at being humorous? Was it coz he was bunged up with cold and couldnt think of anything better? Was it coz he genuinely hates gays? Was it perhaps a one off thing?


Who knows. But it annoyed me coz it was Bryan who said it. (ahah, got you there, said i wasnt going to say who it was :P)
I've talked about Bryan before, sets the gay-(well... more "bi-dar") off a little, plus i REALLY like him :)

It's always worse when it comes from someone you like.


Anyhoo, i'd like to think it was just a one-off thing but yeah...


One other thing i've been thinking a lot about recently:

You see, online... i have various people i can talk to when things are troubling me. Several people too, who i could probably tell anything. I have this blog when i want to type thoughts out, like right now.

But in my day-to-day life... No one.

There are some people i can talk to about trivial issues but nothing particularly deep and serious and i just wish i did have someone like that, in person.

Don't get me wrong, talking to people online about problems has been invaluable to me but im sure we can all agree it is the same as a face to face chat. There's nothing anyone can do about it i guess, just thought i'd type that out here.

The thought doesn't sadden me or anything, i just think about it sometimes...


In other news, things are really busy right now. Lots of tests and all the rest of it. My guitar and bass final performance exams are in 2 weeks! *eek*

So is Biffy Clyro :D (Bryan is coming with me, too ^^) That's next weekend. And this weekend im going to see a few local bands on Saturday and then Klaxons on Sunday. Not many people have probably heard them though.

But one thing that really is quite stressful is the media video we are currently making in groups. Bascially, its for a song (we chose Electric Feel by MGMT) and the rest of my group are dummies so ive been doing about 90% of the work and organising, and it's bloody tough. I don't envy directors at all, or even directors of music videos for that matter of fact.


That's about all ive got to say for now. I know ive said a lot but i havent posted in like 19 days... i think... thought id fill you in...


Rowan <3




(Topless guys feature in this video hehe)


P.S Another reason for this post was the poll results. 64% of people said the word "gay" offended them when used to describe someone/something. 1 person, 5%, said they were too used to it to care. 23% said they werent offended but didnt think the term should be used and 1 drongo said no it doesnt offend them and they use the term :P

Thought that would be interesting...

Just to Clarify...

There are a few things i feel i didn't make as clear as i should have done in my last post.

You'll probably think i'm trying to play last week's events down but after reading some comments it seems a few people think i was deliberately targeted or something by these two guys. Let me say *that was not the case*.

There was not a heart to heart sit down talk where Rob and Kev each came out to me, no not at all.

Kev's whole discussion barely involved me first of all. It wasn't even *my* conversation to be had, i simply picked it up in passing, as i was walking home. Plus, Kev is currently dating a girl. Trust me, he's more straight than gay.

As for Rob, his conversation was with me but seriously, everyone knows he was bisexual. He assumed i already knew and as i didn't, he told me he was.
So you might say, "Surely if Rob can be open about being bi, then you can at least do that too"


...


Right, im trying not to play things down or dissapoint anyone coz i know that hearing that kind of news in the same week is quite a big thing but please don't force me or expect me to immediately go "HEY GUESS WHAT! I LIKE GUYS, OOOOH YEAHHHH!"

There's more to it than that. Let's see, im in high school. Clearly not the best place to be out about your sexuality, it might work for some but hey ho.
Let's delve further. It's a Catholic high school, and while i know Catholic certainly doesn't mean homophobic, there are a fair amount of people that back up that... stereotype.


I do have options to consider right now, that i grant you. But i am not a one man machine, my name is not Tony or Peter Tatchell so please don't expect me to be advocating gay rights etc. around my school coz i'll tell you right now that it isn't going to happen. I am neither comfortable or brave enough to be open to a few people at school let alone 1500+ people.

Even if i were to come out to anyone, i probably wouldn't even tell them im gay. I would most likely say bi rather than going for the all out approach. I am taking things as i see fit and i am not going to rush into any decisions which i may later be regretting.


I'm not getting at any one person, i hope nobody is taken aback now by what i've written. I am simply addressing issues raised in the previous comments section.
Some might think i'm this really brave guy, the Martin Luther King of LGBT issues, but i really am not. I'm an average guy and that's all there is to it. I will take things slowly and when i see it safe enough to dip my toe in the water i will, and currently this is not one of those times.


Rowan <3


P.S The photo at the top of the blog does not belong to me, it's a CD cover that i have edited so as not to include the name or song but if you know me well enough you can probably find it's origins. Pip pip ^^

Another Busy (and Also Bisexual) Week

There doesn't seem to be any quiet weeks for me anymore, always gotta be on the ball.

So much homework, things to do, things to organise. Perhaps i shouldn't be posting this and doing some schoolwork :P

Jk


Anyhoo, it isn't school i want to talk about, it's more the people *in* school and also... bisexuality.

There's a few people i'm going to talk about here that i've never mentioned before so hang tight please :)


Firstly, Wednesday. A friend named Rob told me he was bisexual. It was quite random, it happened after Spanish last period and i forgot how the subject came up, but it did ^^ and i was quite surprised - I don't know him greatly (he's new to the school, started this year) but i'm gradually becoming good friends with him and he is also with others so it's all cool.
And after hearing this news i think it's kinda more reason to get to know him better. He's not what i'd term as "hot". In fact, he describes himself as "short and pudgy" but that's neither here nor there, he's still a cool guy albeit with a few... psycological problems.
He sees a counselor, which isn't as common in Britain as it is elsewhere, but yeh as i said, he's a cool guy :)

He hangs around in the group and from what i can gather, people know he's bi and nobody makes a deal of it.

He isn't the only one in the group...

Another guy named Kev also "thinks" he is.

I was walking home with him and another guy on Wednesday (yeh, it was an eventful day :P) and he kept saying, "I'm pretty sure i'm bisexual" really not in a sarcastic or joking way so i asked "For real?" and he confirmed it again so how can i argue? lol


Not done yet, but this one is outside the group, and probably more worth taking a note of than the previous two i have mentioned. Bryan hasn't divulged into his sexuality as yet but i'll say the signs are there and the gaydar is on alert :P

Quite pleasing as he is currently my no.1 cuteboy in the school!!!

He's been on the list for a year or so but it's only this year that i've really got talking to him. He's in 3 of my classes; Music, French and English, which is where the interesting part took place.

I was walking to class with him and we were discussing Romeo and Juliet coz we've started reading it (or you could say analysing it to the point of destruction) and i joked what it would be like if the teacher got two guys or two girls to read the parts of Romeo and Juliet.
Coincidentally, Bryan did get the part of Romeo but i did not get Juliet :( hehe

Anyhoo, after i joked about two guys reading the parts he said "Right that's it, im re-writing the book as a gay version" then continued to jest, "And i'll direct the film too... but no gay love scenes... not everyone will like that" (Heh, Bryan, you never said *you* wouldn't like it)

So there's one side of Bryan's story but as with bisexuality there's usually another lol

He's talked about hot teachers before, and some pop group called The Saturdays and how they're "sooooo stunning" but some things he says makes me think maybe, just MAYBE he likes guys (as well as girls -_-)

Hell, he seems to get on with his cute, little emo friend *rather* well too. One can only fantasize...

(sssshhhhhhhh)

And i also bought the new Guitar Hero just so i could play with Bryan...

*blushes*


As i said, quite a busy old week on the whole... sexuality front but it usually is in my mind, in and amongst all the school work and what not.
What's making school really tough is the amount of tests coming up in virtually *all* of my subjects as well as the music video we are making in Media Studies. Honestly, making a 3 minute video really gets you to appreciate how much work goes into films etc. plus, we haven't even started filming and it's already pretty stressful!

I'll busy myself with the knowledge that i'm certainly not the only non-straight person in the school, as it has seemed like thats the case for the past 4 years.


Rowan <3


P.S Wow, first ever tag as "bisexual" :P


P.P.S Here's a humorous little story about a 5 year old boy who dressed up as a girl for Halloween. Criticised by many of the other mothers, just read what the boy's mum had to say. Epic stuff - http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2010/11/05/mums-defence-of-cross-dressing-5-year-old-becomes-internet-hit/