TwEnTy 10...

I suppose this is like a review for those who can be interested enough to read. I suppose im writing it more for myself (although your comments are still very welcome) but how can i not review and reflect over such an eventful year?


Im looking back at the review i wrote last year and some of my premonitions were right. I looked ahead to the next decade last year instead of just this year, "This decade, i will be sitting important exams (as well as this year, in fact.) I will be getting a job, possibly a career. Friends will more than likely come and go."

1. I have indeed sat important exams and thankfully done well in them
2. I don't currently have a job, or a career obviously. That one is more long term.
3. Now how about that? Well, i guess by this time last year i was already getting sick of Steven but never would i have foreseen September's events!

And here's the biggy... "And perhaps most importantly, it will be the decade in which i finally take the step out of this small and dark closet and come out myself to my friends and family."

Never in a million year would i have thought that (part of) it would have happened this year. Hence why i said decade and not year. I honestly never planned to have any friends or family know for at least another few years and that is the truth.

But it all started in January (Sunday, 31st, 3:55pm) when i came out to my cousin, Lauren.
Thankfully, she took it all so well and even now has her own blog amongst us which is definetely one of my highlights for this year.

February/March/April continued the feel good trend. I met a lot of online friends. 3 in particulary. Ummm... (dunno what to call him)... JJ... and also David and DJ.

Thinking about it, the first 4 months of this year were the best. Things were the smoothest then.


May was where it started to get rocky with the exams. Lots of stress and work but i got through it ok and i was rewarded, i guess, with June: a very good month. Birthday, beginning of summer, a family get together in the scorching summer heat of London. Another highlight i'd say, partly because it was great to see family and it was the first time id met anyone, in the flesh, that knew i was gay - Lauren, of course.
The whole event was only marred by the stupid and immature actions of a certain other cousin but never mind.


July was mainly good but the tail end was horrible. First of the month, i jetted off to Lanzarote with my mum and sister and had a great time. Came back to London for a few days and it was the last time i ever saw Grandma Knitter, who left me with "Have a good life" ... :'(

Anyhoo, end of the month. JJ was revealed for who he was... Richard. Im not going into it coz i think we all know the story but from then on and into August/September, i disconnected myself from this blogging world, the friends i had met and honestly, my home life. The whole thing left me quite fucked to put it nicely. Not even my exam results made me feel particulary good.
Mum had a long chat with me about August, too, and i almost came out to her there but i couldnt...


I was only revived by the thoughts of going to see Muse at Wembley and hopefully ending my friendship with Steven, both of which were a success. Muse was another definite highlight of my year, id say my life in fact. I will remember September 11th for the rest of my life which is something not many can say in a positive light.

Not a week later, The Pope decided to pop on over to Britain for a visit and change my social group, something i guess i should thank him for. Dunno how i would have pulled it off without his interference :P
But it was a good thing, i now socialise with people with people who's views and opinions are the same as mine, or at least, more similar.


November/December was really been me settling into this group of friends, something that has went quite well. I've got two bi friends which is epic. And hey, at this stage, gay could also mean bi... I would never come out as gay in school so why would they ever? Bi is the safer bet so they could be gay for all i know.


December was quite literally surreal. First of all, the very sad passing of Grandma Knitter, which actually was November, same night as Biffy Clyro but the funeral was in December. Queue my third trip of the year to London. It was, mostly, a very sad occasion but at least i still got to see some family while i was there, with whom, we celebrated the life of a very special person.


And of course, to round off... December 25th...

I still can't get over it. It's still strange being out to my mum and i expect thats the way it will be for a while. If you want the honest truth from me, im gonna say it, id have prefered my mum not to know for, at the very least, another year. I truly think i wasnt ready to be in this situation but here i am... openly gay to my mum.

Even typing that is so odd. If you had said to me, this time last year, that id be out to my mum i would have told you to take a run and jump. Prizes go to that for the most unexpected event of my year, again, perhaps of my life. But this is a much bigger thing than a concert or (no disresepect) metting online friends. What happened a few days ago will affect the rest of my life and the thought of that is mind-blowing.

As i said, at the moment, its still weird. Im not used to it. Nothing more has been said but honestly, i feel kinda awkward being alone with my mum in the same room. I dont really know how she's taken it. I guess it wasn't so much of a surprise but now she knows... she's probably done a lot of personal thinking about it too, as have i.


As always, with an end of year review we must look ahead to next year. Id prefer not to if this year is anything to go by. Yes, ive mentioned a lot of positives and amazing events but there have been some extreme lows and i really dont want to experience them again but there's nothing i, or anyone else, can do about it. Bad times will keep on occuring when they are unwanted...

And everyone here, if you werent here with me through these lows, i dont want to imagine where id be or what kind of state i would be in without all your help, advice and wisdom. I would certainly have struggled a lot more than i did at points so my endless thanks to each and every one of you here who has ever commented. You are very important people to me and i sincerely hope that remains so.


Well, i guess its goodbye to 2010 and into 2011 we go...

*takes deep breath*





Rowan <3

Coming Out at Christmas - The Story

I've had some time to think between yesterday and today but it hasn't really sunk in yet any. It's going to be weird for a while i think. For me, coz i've lived for the best part of 3/4 years of being the only person in the house who knows i aint straight but also for my mum, coz obviously its a lot for her to take in as well, i understand and respect that.

But here's how it all happened -  (Im gay mum, Merry Christmas! ko :P)


We were all up by 10/11 and opened our presents etc, everything was fine. Mum and dad were cooking in the kitchen from about 1pm onwards and i got into a discussion with my dad who revealed he hated Christmas and mum did as well coz it reminds them of people who have passed away and how they cant be here. It was quite heavy stuff but then we got talking about how he would like to spend a holiday abroad one year and he said, "In years to come, when you're with your wife maybe you'll want to as well" and then mum came out with "Or partner" O.O

Not long after that, maybe 10 minutes, my dad said, "You're mum thinks you're gay you know... you heard what she said earlier"
I completely froze and retreated to my room immediately.
I fell asleep, came downstairs for starters but didnt eat anything, i had no appetite whatsoever after what i heard from my dad so i went back upstairs and lay down and i started crying, i cant pinpoint exactly what about.
I fell asleep again and completely missed Christmas dinner, but i didnt want to be sitting up in my room while everyone else was enjoying themselves downstairs so i made an effort but it just wasnt happening. Mum told me to go back upstairs and that she'd be up in a minute.

As i went up the stairs, i got a strange feeling like it was time, dunno, i just did.
So mum came up, gave me a glass of water and sat with me on my bed, me still crying, i tried to pass off that i was upset cause nobody liked celebrating Christmas but she seen right through it. So i told her about what dad said and it was her turn to freeze.

- GTFO, Take Your Mama by Scissor Sisters just came on iTunes as im typing this O_O -

Anyway, i think she knew what i was getting at so she asked me why i was upset at that and i told her it was because id never known she thought that (ok, i had suspicion but now it was confirmed)
She asked if i wanted to talk about it, but i really didnt at the time, i said i was uncomfortable talking about it, and i was - with my mum of course.
So we just sat a few more minutes and she said dad was wrong for saying what he said coz it wasnt his business and he was raised differently, thinking me do this certain type of thing and that.
By this point, i knew all she wanted was for me to say it but i just couldnt squeeze out those few words but then, "Look, i'll admit ive been suspicious for a little while, i've noticed your interest in Stephen Fry (godammit Stephen, you outed me!!!) you picking that AIDS charity, you dont really hang about with boys, things like that. Sometimes, ive not given it much thought and sometimes its got me thinking. But i dont care, i love you, and i would even if you were an axe-wielding maniac" she chuckled.

I knew the game was up, so to speak, but it was still 20 minutes of me trying to find my voice to say it before i actually did. "I know somethings bothering you, please just tell me, i want to help you"
The glass of water was shaking in my hand, i had chewed the straw in the glass down to nothing. Mum took it off me, sat it down. I took a deep breath...

"Im gay, mum" I uttered, and with that she pulled me into her arms even tighter and we pretty much stayed that way for another 20 minutes before dad came up asking if everything was ok. I was still choked up but i wasn't crying and we managed to pass it off but when he left i told mum more. I told her only Lauren knew, told her i stopped being friends with Steven because of it. She asked how long i'd known, i told her a few years.
I told her specifically that i didn't want to tell dad coz i dont know how he'd react, same with my brother and sister. She said she wouldn't tell a soul and i know that will be so difficult for her. I said to her that i didn't want to put her in that position but she said "Don't worry, i'll handle it and i wont tell anyone until you're ready even if its two years down the line or more"

She revealed she got particularly suspicious back in August when i had a long talk with her about everything that happened during the summer and in turn, i revealed to her that i almost told her then.

Finally, she said it didn't change anything at all. She knows it isn't a choice, "its just the way you are, i accept that" she said. "And i still love you and always will"
I cried again...

She gave me one last big hug and went downstairs and i lay back on my bed, drained, and not long after that i typed yesterdays post.


In case you're wondering, i estimate that i told her between half 6 and 7pm.
But as i said, its still quite weird. Once you're out, you don't go back in which is quite a scary thought and honestly, i'd actually have prefered not to tell her yesterday, perhaps leave it for another few months, i dunno, i certainly had no plan for it to happen yesterday (of all days!) but either way, its done now and i cant change that. And now im going to contradict myself by saying that i wouldnt want to change it either :P

The thing that worries me most right now is mum knowing and nobody else knowing. I'm sure she wont accidentally slip up but i cant imagine the pressure ive put on her which is what im worried about...
As well as the slightly less minor problem that i think there might be a strange vibe for a few weeks while we both come to terms. As i said, ive only been out a day after years of being... in... It's strange but yeh, i wouldn't want to change it.

She came in to say goodnight about 11 last night and i was sitting on the computer. She told me she was proud of me and again, that she loved me. I told her i couldn't thank her enough but she passed it off, "Im you're mum, thats what im here for"
I decided i might as well have a little celebration of my own so i "borrowed" some whiskey, some beer and two tubs of pringles and stuck Stephen Fry in America on. Coincidentally, its a gift i got earlier in the day :P

I made this post a lot longer than i planned, but naturally, i have a lot on my mind right now so thanks for bearing with me. Love you all, guys!


Rowan <3

Coming Out at Christmas

Wow. I just came out to my mum no longer than an hour ago.

Im quite out of it right now so im not going to write a lot. I'll talk all about it when im in the right frame of mind but for now, things are cool. I love my mum so much.

Today has been fucking surreal

Again, sorry for the scarce details but i just need to chill the hell out

Rowan <3

T'was the Night Before Christmas...

...and all through the house not a creature was stirring except...

 THE FOUR ASSHOLES COMING IN THE REAR, STANDARD, 2 BY 2 COVER FORMATION!


^ I've just finished watching my annual dose of Die Hard. I watch it every year on Christmas Eve to get me in the mood (for killing!! -jokes-)

Think ive been doing that for a good 3 or 4 years now, although im sure i first seen it when i was 10. (but thats nothing, i seen Alien when i was 7)


While im on the subject, whats your favourite Christmas movie of all time?

Im sure i could have watched something less violent, such as, It's a Wonderful Life, Home Alone, Elf...
But Die Hard is one of my favourite movies of all time, just so happens that it fits in well at Christmas xD


Anyhoo, just wanted to post this quickly as its now actually Christmas Day for me but i havent been to bed yet. Oops.

At this time of year, we all take the chance to look back and reflect on times gone by but i wont be doing that just now coz im too tired, plus, i'll do it on New Year's Eve i expect.

To save me rambling on further i want to wish you all a very merry Christmas. I hope you can kick back, relax and take a breather for the next few days. Same goes for those of you that don't actually celebrate Christmas.
Come to think of it, i dont know why i do - its a religious festival turned global commercial event.
But more importantly, its about family and im truly grateful thay i can spend another Christmas with mine. Hopefully there will be many more too...

Im sure there may be some reading this that unfortunately, cant spend time, dont spend time, or, are unable to spend time, with family. My thoughts go out to you and i hope you are able to spend this period as happily as possible.

So to everyone who reads this blog, Merry Christmas, whoever and wherever you may be!


Rowan <3

Solstice/Sayonara Steven

I dont often post about single days on their own really but today was worth a mention for a few reasons. Mainly, it was Steven's final day in school.
Tbh it didn't actually affect me an awful lot. I've not seen much of him in the past few months (thankfully) and today was no different.
I was going to write something on his leavers shirt but i missed the opportunity. I couldn't really think of anything worthwhile to say so i just left it.

I was talking to some other people and i think they feel the same way. You see, he's going to some music college to play guitar and its really not going to work out - he can barely play at a grade 3 level - so i honestly can imagine him returning next summer after having recognised his failure, if the school let him back in of course :P

But yeh, its good to know i wont be seeing one bit of him day to day anymore although i suppose i should be thankful for a few things. It was some act of friendship to offer and take me to Wembley to see Muse - no other person i know would have. It's a day i'll never forget and i do owe it all to Steven and thats why i feel like a bit of a dick for just abandoning him literally days after.

But i just couldn't tolerate his bullshit anymore, and leaving that social circle hasn't really had any adverse effects: I usually walk the 10 minutes to the train these days, after school with Kev, the bi guy (lol) and another girl who ive become really friendly with recently and I swear, the amount of times she implies im gay, i would say she actually knows :P

She knows Kev is bi and, take today for example, when she says "Oh my favourite time of the day, walking home with my two best gay friends" I think i have reason to say she knows a bit more than she lets on haha

But it's all good, it isn't like she is bothered at all by it. I think she would like confirmation (again, lol) but im fine with how things are sitting right now. It's actually quite funny, some of the things she says.


So thats what happened this Solstice day, a day in which i have seen virtually no sunlight :P (coz im a vampire, liek)
There was supposed to be a lunar eclipse too, but i didnt see it :/
Although im glad the shortest day of the year is past us, surely that means things get better and brighter from here on out, right? RIGHT!?


Rowan <3

Honey, I'm Home!

It's good to be back, especially after all the weather warnings up and down the country recently.

Both journeys went fairly well however. Thursday into London was pretty much plain sailing. Thats once we actually got going. Mum was hesitant over to whether actually go or not and dad was getting all stressed about being kept in the dark or whatever :S
I dunno, but for a few hours the atmosphere was quite tense.

Anyhoo, by the time we got into London and who we were staying with, it was late. As i think i said, we were staying with old friends we used to live across the street from in London. I still remember the street a little, not an awful lot, but it was nice to be back. So we chatted for an hour or so when we arrived but then we all just went to bed coz we had a long day ahead of us.

The funeral was on the Friday and our aunt and uncle's house (where we were in the summer) was only a few miles away so we headed over and met up with everyone, chatted a bit and then the undertakers showed up which immediately darkened the mood. So, in funeral procession, we made for the crematorium where it began to snow.

The funeral itself, thankfully, was short. Grandma Knitter wasnt actually a particularly religious woman, something i was actually quite surprised to find out. I recall my Grandad's being a good few hours long...

This one wasnt but i still sobbed as quietly as possible pretty much from start to finish. I am seriously not good with funerals at all, i mean, i only knew the woman for the last few years of her life and there were people there who probably knew her for over 70 years. Weird thought.
I remember looking up and seeing my aunt (Grandma Knitter's daughter) buried into a jacket and that set me off.

Also, the reverend was a useless cunt. *ahem*

He felt nothing for what was going on. Read exactly what was put in front of him, misread and read out one of my cousins' names calling *her* "Kevin". Worst of all, he even forgot who the funeral was for! Something like, "And now we are gathered today in memory of... umm.. *cough cough, turn page* "
I wanted to go and slap him but i just sat, like everyone. My aunt is certainly going to complain. I wasnt the only one there that noticed his fuck ups, everybody did. Arse :/

One thing that was nice was that it was snowing. It was rather fitting seeing as the last song was White Christmas. That set many people off but i think me more than some others because of one big thing. Grandma Knitter isnt her real name of course, it comes from her love of knitting. When i was born, i was given this soft toy rabbit which i have to this day and Grandma Knitter knitted a little costume for it. Unfortunately, the original costume got burned years ago and all that remains of it are the little shoes and a scarf. Its still special though coz its a very personal thing to me and its something that i will hopefully have for the rest of my life. Apparently i used to go everywhere with it :$

But yeah, i brought that rabbit from home just for the occasion and my aunt loved that i did and im sure Grandma Knitter would have too.

White Christmas played and i held that toy and cried. As i said, i dont deal with funerals well.

After the service, we went back to our aunt's house and it was crowded. But people eventually piled out and then i learned my mum had to leave for bloody Liverpool! She had a really ill aunt or something and had to head up right away. Done well to keep that one quiet, i had no idea but at the end of the day, that really isnt what she needs right now.
She got the train up ok and she probably wont be back till tomorrow, providing the weather behaves itself.


Saturday was easily the best day. Just hung out with our cousins and our aunt and uncle. Its lovely being with family. Saturday morning it snowed heavy and the roads were all iced up. Seeing as there was no traffic we skated around on the iced-up roads, had snowball fights (i got one smacked right in my face lol) and then we went to a nearby pub and had a few drinks and a little bite to eat. We went back home and watched The Wizard of Oz, all snuggled up. It was brilliant. Our cousin made us a lovely dinner and we watched some of Coming to America. Hilarious film.
We had to say our goodbyes there and then coz we were leaving the next morning. I get quite upset at these times, too. Im just a walking water works, arent I? :P

We didnt get to visit Abbey Road btw, or Wembley, as i would have liked. My dad didnt want to go out of his way if it meant possibly getting held up by the weather :/

Most of the journey back i done an english essay on Romeo and Juliet. Was gonna write it but that wasnt happening so i did it the difficult way and typed it up on my ipod :P Thats gonna be one shit essay but hey, at least ive done it! Ive said about all i can now about the past few days so i'll leave you with this in memory of Grandma Knitter...





Rowan <3


PS Good to hear about the repeal for "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in the US army xD

Stupid Stupid Me

I wonder if i'm destined to be in the closet my whole life to people face to face :/

A situation arose today, and although i wouldnt have actually said im gay i would have at least been able to say im bi, which btw i think would be a better option for me at this time if anything.

Anyhoo, the chance was presented to me so clearly. It was on a golden plate, it shouted to me "HELLO, SAY IT!" but i still didn't...

We had an assembly and the whole year was filling up the seats in the main hall and i was, by matter of chance, positioned between Rob and Kev who in recent weeks i have learned are both bisexual although it seems they swing more to the girl side.
But thats neither here nor there.

Can't remember what we were discussing but Rob and Kev were joking about a guy sitting a few rows in front, saying they'd do him :P
And i was all silent, not saying much, just joining in with the laughter and Rob said, "Ahh, its great being bi" Kev agreed with him, "Yeh, it is"
And i still fucking said nothing!!!!

Gah!
What would it have taken for me to say something like, "Haha, same" !?!?!?!?

As soon as the moment passed i realised it, i literally facepalmed.

Why couldn't i say it? Nothing untoward would have been said, nothing bad would have happened.

It's not like i wasn't quick enough or anything, i could have easily said it but i didn't. I put it down to cowardice. No, really, that was so cowardly. There was nothing to be afraid of but i still said nothing.

*sigh* I'll never get anywhere if i don't seize opportunities like that.


In other news, i got marks for my bass prelim scores back and they are like last years - disappointing - but they always mark the prelims harshly. They did last year and i got full marks on both instruments in the final exam so im not worried. Think i'll be getting my guitar marks back tomorrow.

Also, we've started social dance which im just not having any of. I "forgot" my PE kit today. I've put up with social dance the past four years but no longer! (unless i can dance with a guy of course xD)

Anyhoo, thats about it for now. dunno when i'll post next coz, of course, im off to London on Thursday...

Cheerio from Abigco Ward...


Rowan <3

Return to London

So, Grandma Knitter's funeral is to take place this coming Friday which means a return trip to London.

It will be my third time there this year would you believe!?

1st time was for my cousin's birthday back in July, 2nd time to see Muse at Wembley in September but the 3rd time wont be for such pleasant reasons.

We'll be departing on the Thursday coz i expect the funeral will be early on Friday mourning. Think we're staying with some old friends, too. Dunno if i've mentioned on my blog but when i was younger, like from the ages of 1-4, i lived in London. Anyhoo, if you remember my post about London back in July, i mentioned meeting an old friend. Well, it isn't just him who's an old friend, his parents are too, of my mum and dad's so they've been kind enough to put us up for a few nights.

We didn't want to impose on our aunt and uncle coz obviously they'll be having a hard enough time dealing with the funeral and grieving i expect so we'd never suggest we stay with them like we did earlier this year.

It will be nice to see them again tho, and a few cousins will be there so that will be cool too. We can celebrate, together, the long, full life of Grandma Knitter. In case you hadn't gathered, Grandma Knitter is not a blood relative of mine. She was my aunt's mum but really, i guess she was like family because of how kind and loving she was. A big loss to everyone in any case.

Friday will be the only full day we are there but we might hang around on Saturday as well, so ive came up with a few suggestions to try and brighten the mood. One being, i've never visited Abbey Road so if we could go there that would be awesome, try and snap a few pictures of a certain famous photo in itself :P
Wembley Stadium is also only 5 miles up the road, returning there would be fantastic as well. Great memories. Abbey Road looks a possibility but Wembley might be pushing it, we'll see.


All of this only comes after a short, but hellish week. I have my re-scheduled guitar prelim tomorrow (school was off for 3 days last week due to snow!) as well as a french listening NAB and possibly speaking test.
Tuesday i have my re-scheduled spanish writing NAB. Wednesday, if my french speaking isn't on Monday, it will be then. Thursday i should have had an english NAB but i'm only in for first two periods, at my request, coz i have to edit some of our music video and the rest of my group don't know if its New York or New Year. Friday is their job tho...

So yeh, busy week ahead. At least i get to see some family again, even if it isn't for the best of reasons. I look forward to seeing them anyway.


Rowan <3


P.S I told my mum i'd like to donate to the Terrence Higgins Trust (THT) AIDS charity and she had no problems with it whatsoever :)

PPS If you live in the UK please buy Many of Horror by Biffy Clyro coz some ass called Matt won the X Factor with a cover of that song this evening under the title of "When We Collide" and will attempt to win Christmas number 1 with it this year. We can't let this happen. This needs to be a repeat of last year so please help, in the name of good music!!!
(buy it if you're not in the UK too, its Biffy Clyro for feck sake xD)



Think ive posted the song before but never mind...

Charity Work

My mum's doing this... thing this year for Christmas.

I don't know the ins and outs but i think it's something like she isn't sending cards to people this year, she will donate stuff to charity instead?

Whether that be clothes, money idk but the point is she is asking everyone who they want to donate for.

My mum is donating to an Alzheimers charity, i expect because her mum died of that.
My brother is donating to WWF for some reason. (ive never known him to be an animal person)
Forgot what everyone else is donating to but then she asked me and i was caught completely off guard and uninterested but i have now become interested of course :P

At the time i said i didn't know what charity but then it came to me. Stonewall! \o/
But then it came to me. :(

Think it would look a little strange if my donation was to a gay rights charity... but i would really like to.

Basically, im asking for some help here. Do you think there is a way i could still say to my mum thats who i want my donation to go to?

If not, apart from Childline - coz in my experience ive found them to be useless - what charity that helps children and young people would be a good one to donate to?

Im sure there are loads but i currently cant think and id like to have a little look for myself as to who i would like to donate to so i just need a few good suggestions to get the ball rolling.

As i said, i don't know exactly what my mum's big idea is here but i will find out. Just looking for ideas at the moment ^^


Rowan <3

Rollercoaster

Let me just start off by saying that i've not been outed at school, which is at least one positive i can take.

Still not having a great time however.

The reason for my post last night was a combination of many things; of course, being gay is one of them, and the difficulty that being in high school brings with it. Another is the fact that recently, a good number of my friends are in relationships and a lot of questions have been directed at me asking why im not/who i fancy etc.
This is happening also in light of social dance starting this week (pointless shite) which ive declared my dislike of but the pressure is, do i go ahead with it or deliberately miss it? Neither of these options are of particular advantage.
The constant is that school is busy as feck - I have a music pre-exam tomorrow and a big Spanish test (for example) and work is just really building up, not making things easier.

Anyhoo, the title for this post is basically as it says. Since i last posted, (before yesterday) things have been the equivalent of a rollercoaster: highs, lows etc.
I've listed most of the lows, which have been ongoing but the highs haven't. The highs have been more isolated events and incidents. Like, ive been to 4 gigs in the past two weeks and loved all of them.

This weekend, for example, was one the best of the year, if not of my life. I seen Biffy Clyro two nights in a row, the 1st night i went with Alan alone and we were in seating and the 2nd night i went with Bryan and another friend. We were supposed to be seating but some very generous mates helped us into standing which was awesome. Great gig, too. Biffy played a lot of their old stuff and i spent most of the concert jumping around next to a very hot and sweaty Bryan :P
When Biffy played Many of Horror, i was stood beside him, singing my heart out. Emotional stuff haha
All that after seeing Harry Potter, too, with Bryan. That was excellent, Saturday was an awesome day. Spent over 10 hours just with Bryan :D

But after the concert... oh no :(

We managed to catch the early train home and after a little hug goodbye from Bryan (i count third of the day) i returned home, freezing. Dad was waiting up for me, watching some tv and i sat down too, whipped out my ipod for a little facebook check:
Biffy post
Biffy post
Biffy post
RIP Grandma
Biffy post
Biff.... wait!?

That post was from my cousin, one of the cousins we stayed with during the summer, in London. The grandma he was refering to... Grandma Knitter. The very same grandma who's last words to me were "Have a good life"
I showed my dad immediately and he called our cousins in London.
Grandma Knitter isn't even a blood relative of ours but she was like family. Her name "Knitter" comes from the fact that she used to knit a lot. She even knitted a costume for a soft, toy rabbit that was given to me when i was born and still sits on my bed to this day.
She and her husband (who passed away a few years ago) helped my dad a lot years ago when he ran into difficulties etc. so my dad was really upset about it all and its really gotten everyone in the house down recently. It also means we'll be making our way to London in the coming week probably for a funeral.

And this is an example of "rollercoaster" again. One of the best nights of my life with my friends and no sooner does that finish, a relative dies. Wtf is that all about!?

At least after people on facebook knew i had a relative die, a lot of people were concerned which was very comforting. Got quite a few texts, even one off Bryan (who doesnt text a lot) and it was one of the lovliest texts ive ever received. He just said he was sorry about it all, and if i needed to talk to him i could. Obviously it was worded differently, but maybe it was just the fact that it was Bryan that sent it that made it so nice. It cheered me up a little, at least.

So yeah, that doesn't have much to do with last nights post but it added to my stress, i suppose, and my current "whats the point" attitude. I don't seem to be going anywhere, nothing great is happening, so why bother trying?
Seriously, ive been so lazy in school recently. Ive got a big Spanish test tomorrow and i havent revised once.

And as for the whole gay thing (trololololol) well, that is in reference to Bryan i guess. To some people, it might seem sort of like ive moved on from Alan to Bryan in terms of who im really interested in, but it genuinely feels like its more than that.
I think about Bryan too much, way more than i should, and way more than i ever did about Alan. A picture of Bryan is the background of my ipod for fucks sake! I made sure i took loads of pictures at the weekend for that reason. That probably sounds quite creepy...
But what gets me down about this?
Well, what really are the chances that he feels the same way as i do about him?
Probably about zero i'd say.

Now this problem wouldn't be as big if it were i girl i felt like this for. I'd at least be able to talk to my friends about it, and try and see what they think but as Bryan is obviously not a girl, it stays hidden. Silent. Locked away.

What the fuck is wrong with the world!? Why cant people like who they like without other assholes having something wrong with it?


Do i vent disgust when i see a guy and a girl kissing or holding hands in the corridor? No, coz i dont even hold any disgust for it in the first place.




Another reason i felt so crappy last night was because Bryan deleted his facebook (he hadnt long had it) and i kinda feel like i was at fault for it. Maybe i was, maybe i wasnt, but i think i was overloading how much i talked to him on it :/
He said its coz he just couldnt quite get into the whole "facebook" concept but i still think i pissed him off. Not a good feeling when you know (or even think) that someone you really like is pissed off at you.


*sigh* There's just a lot going on right now, and i dont like it - last night didn't help matters -  and my brain doesn't like it. Social dance is round the corner, which will be testing. My "over"like of Bryan is constantly on my mind. Got a funeral to attend soon. School is insane, for many reasons. I wish i was a bear - just hibernate for the next few months, that would be lovely - I could just totally escape from the world.

However, im not a bear, so i cant, but i know there must be serious signs of something wrong when a 16 year old boy searches for videos of Teletubbies on youtube to take his mind away from reality :/


Rowan


P.S Whether you're religious or not, can you keep Grandma Knitter in your thoughts/prayers please? Everyone misses her a lot and she was a great woman, so if could... cheers.

Why?

Why do you try?

Do you think you stand a chance?

As a gay guy in high school...





No.

Re: "That's So Straight"

Bet the title put some people off :P

"Oh there he goes ranting again about how the world is so homophobic and evil"

Ko. It's just a subject which seems to crop up a lot.


Since my last post about people using "gay" as a common term for "bad" or whatever, i've taken a sort of backseat approach, if you will.
You might say this is a bit sad or pathetic but i've kind of been studying why or when people use the term.

On a hitch, id actually put it down to tiredness and laziness. People not able to find a better word in their vocabulary to use and so immediately pluck "gay" out of the air because its so easy to use.

But there's still the fine line between someone saying it out of habit/not meaning offence and genuine prejudice.
For example (and i wonder what you think of this) I was talking to a guy the other day about Gears of War - a game on the Xbox 360 - and we were discussing how amazing the 3rd installment should be and this guy said "I don't care if it's bad. I don't even care if the two lead characters are gay bumboys, it'll still be amazing"

...

I'm not going to say who it was i was talking with but to me, he's never seemed to hate gays or anything and he doesn't go around calling things "gay" on a regular basis. In truth i was a bit surprised to hear him say this, and while it did still irk me, as it would if anyone said it, i questioned why he said it.

As i said, he isnt one for using such terms often. But there are many questions.
Was it an attempt at being humorous? Was it coz he was bunged up with cold and couldnt think of anything better? Was it coz he genuinely hates gays? Was it perhaps a one off thing?


Who knows. But it annoyed me coz it was Bryan who said it. (ahah, got you there, said i wasnt going to say who it was :P)
I've talked about Bryan before, sets the gay-(well... more "bi-dar") off a little, plus i REALLY like him :)

It's always worse when it comes from someone you like.


Anyhoo, i'd like to think it was just a one-off thing but yeah...


One other thing i've been thinking a lot about recently:

You see, online... i have various people i can talk to when things are troubling me. Several people too, who i could probably tell anything. I have this blog when i want to type thoughts out, like right now.

But in my day-to-day life... No one.

There are some people i can talk to about trivial issues but nothing particularly deep and serious and i just wish i did have someone like that, in person.

Don't get me wrong, talking to people online about problems has been invaluable to me but im sure we can all agree it is the same as a face to face chat. There's nothing anyone can do about it i guess, just thought i'd type that out here.

The thought doesn't sadden me or anything, i just think about it sometimes...


In other news, things are really busy right now. Lots of tests and all the rest of it. My guitar and bass final performance exams are in 2 weeks! *eek*

So is Biffy Clyro :D (Bryan is coming with me, too ^^) That's next weekend. And this weekend im going to see a few local bands on Saturday and then Klaxons on Sunday. Not many people have probably heard them though.

But one thing that really is quite stressful is the media video we are currently making in groups. Bascially, its for a song (we chose Electric Feel by MGMT) and the rest of my group are dummies so ive been doing about 90% of the work and organising, and it's bloody tough. I don't envy directors at all, or even directors of music videos for that matter of fact.


That's about all ive got to say for now. I know ive said a lot but i havent posted in like 19 days... i think... thought id fill you in...


Rowan <3




(Topless guys feature in this video hehe)


P.S Another reason for this post was the poll results. 64% of people said the word "gay" offended them when used to describe someone/something. 1 person, 5%, said they were too used to it to care. 23% said they werent offended but didnt think the term should be used and 1 drongo said no it doesnt offend them and they use the term :P

Thought that would be interesting...

Just to Clarify...

There are a few things i feel i didn't make as clear as i should have done in my last post.

You'll probably think i'm trying to play last week's events down but after reading some comments it seems a few people think i was deliberately targeted or something by these two guys. Let me say *that was not the case*.

There was not a heart to heart sit down talk where Rob and Kev each came out to me, no not at all.

Kev's whole discussion barely involved me first of all. It wasn't even *my* conversation to be had, i simply picked it up in passing, as i was walking home. Plus, Kev is currently dating a girl. Trust me, he's more straight than gay.

As for Rob, his conversation was with me but seriously, everyone knows he was bisexual. He assumed i already knew and as i didn't, he told me he was.
So you might say, "Surely if Rob can be open about being bi, then you can at least do that too"


...


Right, im trying not to play things down or dissapoint anyone coz i know that hearing that kind of news in the same week is quite a big thing but please don't force me or expect me to immediately go "HEY GUESS WHAT! I LIKE GUYS, OOOOH YEAHHHH!"

There's more to it than that. Let's see, im in high school. Clearly not the best place to be out about your sexuality, it might work for some but hey ho.
Let's delve further. It's a Catholic high school, and while i know Catholic certainly doesn't mean homophobic, there are a fair amount of people that back up that... stereotype.


I do have options to consider right now, that i grant you. But i am not a one man machine, my name is not Tony or Peter Tatchell so please don't expect me to be advocating gay rights etc. around my school coz i'll tell you right now that it isn't going to happen. I am neither comfortable or brave enough to be open to a few people at school let alone 1500+ people.

Even if i were to come out to anyone, i probably wouldn't even tell them im gay. I would most likely say bi rather than going for the all out approach. I am taking things as i see fit and i am not going to rush into any decisions which i may later be regretting.


I'm not getting at any one person, i hope nobody is taken aback now by what i've written. I am simply addressing issues raised in the previous comments section.
Some might think i'm this really brave guy, the Martin Luther King of LGBT issues, but i really am not. I'm an average guy and that's all there is to it. I will take things slowly and when i see it safe enough to dip my toe in the water i will, and currently this is not one of those times.


Rowan <3


P.S The photo at the top of the blog does not belong to me, it's a CD cover that i have edited so as not to include the name or song but if you know me well enough you can probably find it's origins. Pip pip ^^

Another Busy (and Also Bisexual) Week

There doesn't seem to be any quiet weeks for me anymore, always gotta be on the ball.

So much homework, things to do, things to organise. Perhaps i shouldn't be posting this and doing some schoolwork :P

Jk


Anyhoo, it isn't school i want to talk about, it's more the people *in* school and also... bisexuality.

There's a few people i'm going to talk about here that i've never mentioned before so hang tight please :)


Firstly, Wednesday. A friend named Rob told me he was bisexual. It was quite random, it happened after Spanish last period and i forgot how the subject came up, but it did ^^ and i was quite surprised - I don't know him greatly (he's new to the school, started this year) but i'm gradually becoming good friends with him and he is also with others so it's all cool.
And after hearing this news i think it's kinda more reason to get to know him better. He's not what i'd term as "hot". In fact, he describes himself as "short and pudgy" but that's neither here nor there, he's still a cool guy albeit with a few... psycological problems.
He sees a counselor, which isn't as common in Britain as it is elsewhere, but yeh as i said, he's a cool guy :)

He hangs around in the group and from what i can gather, people know he's bi and nobody makes a deal of it.

He isn't the only one in the group...

Another guy named Kev also "thinks" he is.

I was walking home with him and another guy on Wednesday (yeh, it was an eventful day :P) and he kept saying, "I'm pretty sure i'm bisexual" really not in a sarcastic or joking way so i asked "For real?" and he confirmed it again so how can i argue? lol


Not done yet, but this one is outside the group, and probably more worth taking a note of than the previous two i have mentioned. Bryan hasn't divulged into his sexuality as yet but i'll say the signs are there and the gaydar is on alert :P

Quite pleasing as he is currently my no.1 cuteboy in the school!!!

He's been on the list for a year or so but it's only this year that i've really got talking to him. He's in 3 of my classes; Music, French and English, which is where the interesting part took place.

I was walking to class with him and we were discussing Romeo and Juliet coz we've started reading it (or you could say analysing it to the point of destruction) and i joked what it would be like if the teacher got two guys or two girls to read the parts of Romeo and Juliet.
Coincidentally, Bryan did get the part of Romeo but i did not get Juliet :( hehe

Anyhoo, after i joked about two guys reading the parts he said "Right that's it, im re-writing the book as a gay version" then continued to jest, "And i'll direct the film too... but no gay love scenes... not everyone will like that" (Heh, Bryan, you never said *you* wouldn't like it)

So there's one side of Bryan's story but as with bisexuality there's usually another lol

He's talked about hot teachers before, and some pop group called The Saturdays and how they're "sooooo stunning" but some things he says makes me think maybe, just MAYBE he likes guys (as well as girls -_-)

Hell, he seems to get on with his cute, little emo friend *rather* well too. One can only fantasize...

(sssshhhhhhhh)

And i also bought the new Guitar Hero just so i could play with Bryan...

*blushes*


As i said, quite a busy old week on the whole... sexuality front but it usually is in my mind, in and amongst all the school work and what not.
What's making school really tough is the amount of tests coming up in virtually *all* of my subjects as well as the music video we are making in Media Studies. Honestly, making a 3 minute video really gets you to appreciate how much work goes into films etc. plus, we haven't even started filming and it's already pretty stressful!

I'll busy myself with the knowledge that i'm certainly not the only non-straight person in the school, as it has seemed like thats the case for the past 4 years.


Rowan <3


P.S Wow, first ever tag as "bisexual" :P


P.P.S Here's a humorous little story about a 5 year old boy who dressed up as a girl for Halloween. Criticised by many of the other mothers, just read what the boy's mum had to say. Epic stuff - http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2010/11/05/mums-defence-of-cross-dressing-5-year-old-becomes-internet-hit/

Halloween Party

I'm not usually one for going to parties, mainly coz i know what they're like according to other people but i agreed to this one last night coz i knew there would be a lot of people i knew well and who weren't drinking.

And also coz it was Halloween ^^

(I went as a priest, ironically)


The night on the whole was ok but i found it pretty uncomfortable tbh. There was lots more drink than i ever thought there was going to be, bout 50 people went and at least half of them were drunk after a few hours. I had a cider and 2 beers. Kept it under control :P

Anyhoo, after people started getting a little more than tipsy, everybody was really flirty with each other and honestly, girls were pretty much just whoring themselves out to everyone. For me, it was really uncomfortable so i tried to avoid that best i could and find some fellow sobers!

It was actually quite a shock seeing some people drunk, coz i've never seen them like that before. Alex really surprised me, he got pretty drunk and was just making out with this girl all night, hardly seen him at all. He went as a punk, and pulled it off quite well tbh, bet that chick enjoyed it...

The only really memorable thing for me was a big sing a long to Bohemian Rhapsody. That honestly was like the only highlight. I don't see myself going to many more parties in the future, not after that.


That's really all i wanted to post about. I have a lot of respect for the people who didn't get drunk coz truthfully, some people were a disgrace last night and i didn't like it at all.

Us teenagers, eh?


Rowan <3

"That's So Straight"

Im thinking of starting to say that more often :P

Or perhaps, on a broader spectrum "That's so sexual orientation", as suggested by Lauren.


It's just... i hear the term "gay" used all the fucking time at school and it annoys the hell out of me. Yes, i do get quite offended by it (obviously i can't say i am tho) but i have read many a comments section where i have seen arguments for both why people are and aren't offended by it - This also coming from people who are gay saying they aren't offended, and some even use the term themselves.

Personally, i don't see why a gay person wouldn't be offended by it. It's a pejorative term, a diminutive, something that is used to describe "bad" or when something has just went wrong ("oh that was totally gay")
When i hear it, i hear it as someone calling homosexuality and gays, bad and wrong.

I don't think it's right.

You hear it used on television too, in the mainstream media, which of course has such an influence over young people. But i seen a comment at some point, somewhere saying this, "People shouldn't use it, it would make as much sense to call something "black"... "That's so black". Doesn't make sense. Today, you are a lot less likely to hear the word "nigger" used on tv, maybe in some movies, but somehow "gay" "fag" etc. have become widespread terms"

I thought this was a good point, when was the last time you heard someone call something "black" (in a negative way like gay is) ?

Never. Coz it doesn't make sense, neither does "gay"

But here's the thing, some people don't use the term in a deregatory manner.


I bring this up coz i was walking to the train after school today with Alex and one of his friends who i kinda get on with and we were all talking about something, can't quite remember what and Alex's friends came out with the ol' "Yeh, totally gay"

Usually, i ignore it but this time i went "Yeh, really sexual orientation" in a very sarcastic way.

And it was Alex who picked up on this (i think he's noted i don't use the term and don't like other people using it)

He said, "When people say that, or well, when i say it, i don't mean it to be offensive"

His friend agreed, and he continued "It's just the way language has evolved you know, it used to mean jolly/ happy but now it means what it does"

Then he expanded "I don't have a problem with homosexuals. I just don't think it's... normal"

I raised my eyebrows.

"Well, it's not. You're cock shouldn't go up that way"

"According to who? According to what?" I enquired, some air of new found bravery had somehow came over me.

"...Life" he answered, strangely.

Damn, i was expecting him to say "bible" then i would have had a field day :P

The conversation just petered out after that and they went back to discussing what they were before.


But i thought it was quite interesting to hear Alex's opinion on the matter, coz i've never been entirely sure. Still not that i would think of coming out to him or anything but it was a new thing learned.

I want to pose the question to you though. Gay/straight/bi/whoever can answer this.

Is it right to call something/someone gay? Are you offended by it?


My answer is yes. Clearly, for some people, they may not associate it with having connotations of homosexuality (some say that over time it has been losing such meaning) but without a doubt the term started with those connotations in mind, and that's what annoys me when i hear someone say it.

Obviously, calling someone a "fag" or a "poof" has meanings tied in with being gay but the word "gay" itself, some would argue does not mean what it once did.

However, i believe if you reinforce the idea that "gay" is the same as saying "stupid" then you support the idea of bigotry and hate yourself.

I'm actually going to make a poll about this coz im really interested to hear what people think, would also like to see what people think in comments too ;)

Milkboys done a post on it as well, the comments section is worth a look - http://blog.milkboys.org/article/thats-so-gay/ (#9, #27 and #28 are probably where i got some of my arguments above from)


And lastly, homophobia is gay.


Rowan <3

Coming Together

After what i thought would be a tricky week it actually turned out to be ok.

I was worried coz im pretty much on friendly terms with everyone right now and i didn't know which way to go; back to my old friends or stick with my new ones.

In the end i opted for the latter. It was a gamble but it seems to have paid off.

I'm not in the "in crowd" yet, if you want to call it such. By that i mean, most people are totally open to, and often do, hug each other. I have no problem with this, i would like to be the same but obviously this group has been very close for like the past 3/4 years so i can't just barge in and demand hugs! :P

It'll take some time before i am part of all that, or perhaps i maybe won't at all, and i've just got to accept that i suppose. They've all been nice enough to take me in, can't be wanting for too much more.



I think it's lovely tho, a real friendship thing, not something that would ever occur with the people i had been hanging about with. Basically any male-to-male contact was seen as "gay" but not here.

And speaking of which, i've a little something to tell that made me really happy. Well not the first bit but afterwards:

On... Wednesday in music there were two guys sitting behind me and they were pretending to give each other massages. This class usually has a load of banter for 5 minutes while the teacher is in class, preparing, before the lesson properly starts.

So she looked up at the guys sitting behind me and said, "You two stop it, it's a bit gay"

I was VERY annoyed that she said this, obviously, but a little surprised coz i know for a fact that she isn't even a Catholic (indeed, atheist) and is also one of the school's more friendly teachers.

Anyhoo, she said it, and i said nothing of course but Rose (who, if you missed my last few posts, is lesbian) shouted out "That's homophobic Miss!" in a sort of way that i couldn't tell if she was serious or not. She said it with a sort of shocked tone but at the same time, as if she was just taking the mick. (Her and the teacher often take the mick with each other) She was drowned out anyway by the rattle and hum of the class, and the laughter at what the teacher had just said.

The day after that, i was sitting with Rose at lunch and she brought the subject up again and i knew this time she had some level of seriousness about her, she said "I still can't believe Miss said that"

I thought why the hell not and said, "I know it was disgraceful, she shouldn't be allowed to get away with stuff like that"

"Catholic school, what you going to do?"

And then a big long conversation evolved about Catholic schools and the likes and it was epic! We agreed on like everything and i said basically whatever was on my mind without getting shot down by someone else.

Guys, it made me so happy :')

Still annoyed with my music teacher but what it lead to... awesome stuff.


So to return to my original point. I've had a quite a long think about it and i think i would be a madman to go and hang about with the people i used to. Sure, most of them are decent but not in the same respect as people like Rose, and others. I would see it as a step down if i were to go back.

This week also made me realise that i will see Alex and Louis et al as well, they're in a few of my classes and Alex gets the same train as me to and from school. Louis hangs around as well at times.

I don't know how, and when i seen some comments saying "can't you hang out with both?" I was thinking "No, not really" but i was wrong, it seems i can and things look to be coming together on the whole friend front now.

Quite pleasing i must say :)


Rowan <3



(posting this coz i'm really loving it right now and also coz it was Lennon's birthday earlier this month, the 9th)



P.S Any good suggestions for Halloween coz i'm totally stuck :P Anything would be great, cheers!

Wear Purple in Memory of US Gay Teen Suicides

I only found out last night at about 11pm that today, 20th, people around the world would wear purple in memory of the recent suicides by gay teens in the US.

As soon as i read it i frantically began searching my wardrobe but soon discovered i own no purple clothes :(

Wish they could have picked a different colour, literally any other colour off the flag would have been do-able but purple was picked because it represents "Spirit".

I made up for it best i could tho... I used a purple pen all day in school, when i wasn't wearing it, i clipped it onto my school blazer which is another thing i don't usually wear. It's kind of a marroon colour, not purple at all i guess, but the closest i had to purple so i wore it all day, when normally i wouldn't have.

Even if i did have anything purple i couldn't have worn it coz obviously, my school has a uniform but i would have changed into it of course, afterwards.

It's kinda useless for me now but those in the US, its still early-ish so if you can, try and wear something purple!

These deaths are needless, tragic, and painful to read about (cant think of what its like for those involved) so the best we can do for now is commemorate them in anyway we can.

That's for now of course, but obviously, things have got to change. I don't know how, but homophobia amongst young people is still rife and it's what is has killed these teens who are unsure of themselves, questioning, and hear everyday that what they have no choice in, is wrong when it most certainly isn't.

I hate to be pessimistic but i doubt this is the last death we will hear of. Things have changed, and will continue change, heck even starting today with the ban on Don't Ask, Don't Tell in the US military. It's progress. It doesn't affect teens as such but for the LGBT community as a whole, it's a victory. One of many.

I'm getting on my high horse now and feel like a preacher :P

But really, to return to the original topic, try and do something. If you're religious... light a candle at church. I don't know what time of they year priests wear purple garments but im thinking it would be quite funny if it were now. Join them, start wearing purple!


Rowan <3


Here's some gypsy punk music, it's been my song of the day :)

Wow...umm... Okay

As I thought I would, I did not go back back to hang out with Louis, Alex, Alan and the likes. Instead I went opted for the "new" group.

Idk why, but i just feel drawn to there. I feel that if i went back a whole big thing would be made out of it and i might even lose friends from this new group. I really don't want that, especially after what i learnt today...

I learnt it at lunch, after interval i decided that i didn't feel awkward, that things were actually ok coz Louis, Alex and a few others are in quite a number of my classes so it's not like i will never talk to them. Anyhoo, that's how i felt so i had lunch with the new folk and this is where i learnt what kinda surprised me.

I say kinda coz i think i knew but i never actually knew for sure. Everyone else does but yeh, a girl in this group, Rose, is a lesbian :)

As i said, i thought i knew from what i've heard and i've overheard her talking about stuff but today i was sitting with her along with one of my older friends (dunno if you remember...) El. And they were just chatting away and i was with them and Rose said, "Yeah, i made out with this girl on Saturday but then she didn't want to talk to me after that" then she joked "It's not easy being a lesbian!"

That's when i knew for sure, so i was like \o/

I gathered myself and actually realised that she doesn't take crap about it off anyone, at least, i've never seen or known her to receive any kind of abuse, so i asked her "Do people not give you shit about being a lesbian...are they scared of you? *insert chuckle*"
"Well a few people used give me shit a couple of years ago but everyone's just kinda stopped caring"

I smiled at this point and i think she noticed, she asked why i asked and i just replied that being in a high school of all places, things might have been said to her but she confirmed that they haven't, for a few years at least.

Then the conversation between the three of us got a bit more explicit, lol, and she was talking about when she done stuff with another girl, and she wasn't bragging, she has people to back this up (don't ask me how) and then El pipes up, "That's one thing i've never understood about lesbians, how do they fuck?"

I literally lol'd and she said "With toys of course, silly"

Anyhoo, i'll leave it there, more was said but i think now is a good time to stop xD


I was totally chuffed when that fact was confirmed for me today, Rose being a lesbian. So, yes an out lesbian is accepted in my friends group and nobody gives her hassle. How awesome is that!? And in a Catholic high school of all places!
It gives me hope even though i don't ever see myself being out in high school... but who knows.

I was also invited to a Halloween party today and most people in the group are going. I've never been a big one for Halloween but this seemed like a good idea so i said i'd go, just gotta think of what to go *as*

Oh dear :P

So on the whole, things panned out quite well today. I was a little unsure this morning but now i feel a bit more comfortable as to where i belong. I wouldn't say I'm completely assured but for now, things seemed somewhat settled and i'm content enough with that.


Rowan <3


lol first ever tag/label as "lesbian"

Past Week or Two of Non-Activity

Interrupting this unannounced blogger break just to chat about what's been going on over the past two weeks i haven't posted in.

For the past week, it's been the October break, or "half term" as it might elsewhere be known. Quite funny that i've received my full EMA allowance for only 4 days attendance in 2 weeks but it's been pretty lazy to be honest. I've had a few days out with friends and what not, and that's mainly what i want to talk about.

Over the past week, i've went out 3 times. Twice we went to play football, and yesterday we went to Laser Tag, and dressed up in suits ^^ Yep, suits. It was International Suit Day on Wednesday and i missed it so yesterday was a reprise. Running around in suits, shooting people with laser guns. It was great fun but it's left me thinking...

You see, i went with friends from my "old" group of friends instead of with my "new" group.

I've made up mostly with everyone, even Steven to some extent, but i still haven't hung around with them socially, in school, since i disbanded myself about a month ago now. And that's where the trouble lies, i don't want to just go to this new group for a few weeks then bugger off back and pretend nothing happened. They would feel used and i would seem fickle.

And what's more is i like them. I don't know them all *really* well but i would say i know them fairly well and most of them are very kind, caring, more accepting - certainly more so than people from the "old" group - which is why i went there in the frist place but outwith school i haven't hung out with them much.

The fact i haven't seen them over the October holildays but i've went out with people from my "old" group on 3 separate occasions says something, i think.
I think it says I am still better friends with people from "old" rather than "new" group. Alex, Louis, Alan et al.
To be honest, i don't even hate Steven, i'll be glad to see him go, but truthfully he is just an annoyance. He says things that can just make my blood boil and calls things and people "gay" with virtually every other sentence.
This is something i thought would deisappear slightly with the new folk but it hasn't really, seems calling things "gay" is just universal. However, for example, if they knew i was gay they would certainly be more accepting than people from the "old" group. Hell, there is even a girl, Bella, who is totally anti-homophobic and really kind. She openly says she loves gay people.

I just see it as having this opportunity to hang out with more mature and understanding people and i don't want to be left regretting that chance but at the same time, i don't want to leave some good, old friends like Alex and Louis behind.

I like most of the people from both groups and I sorta feel like on Monday I'm going to have to choose who im going to go and hang with and it's really fucking tough. If i really think about it, i would say i feel more inclined to go back to my old friends, especially after yesterday's absolutely brilliant day.

It's a lot to think about and for the past week it's been driving me up the wall. I wish i could explain it to maybe one person from each group. Probably Alex, but i dunno who from the other group.

And one last problem is that people from both groups rarely mix with each other so it's not really something that can be fixed by dividing my time up with different people.

New Group --------------- Rowan --------------- Old Group

Friendships, huh? Jeeeeez :/


Elsewhere, Liverpool FC are crap, "Grandma" Knitter has gotten ill and school is back in tomorrow. Great.


Rowan <3

Bit o' Good news, Bit o' "Bad" News

But which first? O_O


Good news i think, coz it wont make sense if i start with the bad.

Righty, so i can't remember if i mentioned this or not but at the start of the school year i signed up to get a little something something called EMA - Education Maintenance Allowance.

Basically, i am entitled to 30 pounds a week providing i don't miss any school. It's taken a few weeks to sort everything out and get paperwork sorted etc. but this morning it finally came through in my bank account :D

(which i can access online btw :P)

It was also backdated for the full 6 weeks i've been at school so far, so i received 180 pounds in one go!

They say money doesn't bring happiness but i havent been happier all week.


So yes, i have that set up, with fortnightly deposits into my newly acquired bank account. I'm also going to get that updated so i can get a debit card and i can have my own amazon account etc. Gonna be real epic. Becoming quite independent, me :)

Another thing this EMA entitles me to is *drum roll*... CONTACT FUCKING LENSES!!!

But that's the bad news.

They cost. A fair bit. 34 pounds a month to be precise.

It varies tho. 34 for daily contacts but like 18 pound for fortnightly and 10 pound for monthlies. I would get them instead but you need to be so damn hygenic with them (not tht im not) but i would just forget and end up with some crazy eye infection probably. Also, if you lose one, you're screwed for a month :/

Dailies are most expensive but better. C'est la vie.

On top of that, i now need to pay for my lunch at school, school material and sports subscription on tv - all stuff that my mum and dad used to pay for.

I done my maths (no, i really did) and it works out that, each month, i will only really receive half of what i probably would have without all that stuff, bout 60 quid.

That's the bad news from my point of view but you all probably think i'm crazy coz i still get a fair amount of money. It bugs me coz everyone else who gets EMA gets to spend the full lot and i only really get half. Just shows, it really does pay to have 20/20 vision. Damn you lucky bastards who do!!!

The contacts have been fun btw. Not. Lol, they're a total pain but i'm getting better. Everyone i know who wears them can like put them in with their feet without a mirror :P

Still takes me about 5 minutes to get them in while using a mirror. And then there's folks who say that they never actually have to take their contacts out! Wtf!? That would save me a shit load of money if i could do tht! Idk...

Better than specs tho. Manky things.


Suppose EMA has been just about the only interesting thing to happen to me the past few weeks. Not much has changed with regards to school itself. Still hanging around with my new circle of friends. Most people at the table want me back (not bragging lol) and even those who fell out with me, and Steven, have tried to make it up with me and apologise.

I couldn't give a shiny shit tbh.

I'll talk with them if i must but i don't plan on going back and hanging out with them. I'm fine to leave it there, ta very much.


Oh, lastly. Almost forgot. I got Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Finally \o/

Needless to say, it's simply magical but how many holes are there in Blackburn, Lancashire?

Answer: 4000, and i think i must have been living in one of them for the past 16 years of my life!!!


Rowan <3

The Boy Scouts

http://www.theboyscouts.blogspot.com/

Wtf!?

I've noticed a recent lack of posting but i never thought much of it until i clicked on to the site just now and was informed that the blog can't be found!

Anyone got any idea? I don't remember any announcement beforehand so my gut feeling is that it was closed by Blogger :/

Coincidentally, i've noticed problems with my own method of downloading things off Rapidshare right now. My downloader just says links are invalid...

I get the feeling that there's connection there. Anyhoo, if anyone knows anything then let us know please. I quite enjoyed that blog :(


Rowan <3

Changing Friendships (Revisited)

There's something i feel i didn't really make clear in my last post.

That is regarding the circle of friends i've "drifted away" from just now. I think i kinda made it seem like most of them are assholes when in truth, they're not.

The majority are honestly decent guys and that was reinforced on Monday and Tuesday when a number of people said, "Rowan, we want you back at the table" or words to that effect.

I told them the situation: Most people are good, it's just a few i have issues with.

And, in fact, i have to be honest. At times this week, i've wanted to go back to the table to hang out with some folk. I do quite miss talking with Alex, Louis and Alan and some others quite a bit.
Although if i did, i would obviously appear just as fickle as Steven is...

It's quite annoying.

On the other hand, im enjoying my time with the people im with just now. They're lovely so i don't just want it to look like im using them for a few days if i was to return to the table.

Surely there's enough Rowan to go round for all!

(but sadly not) Guess im friends with too many people :P


But even those that had issues with me, and i with them, have tried to get back on friendlier terms this week.

I'm not quite sure what to do in all honesty. I'm all for 2nd chances but it's quite a difficult situation and i don't like being in it.

Even Steven has come out and said he wants me back, "i have forgoten everything and dont want to fall out permanantly with one of my best friends"

I don't quite know how to react to that. I don't want to hang around with him. I suppose i feel a bit sorry for him, even though i probably shouldn't but i know he just doesn't want to lose someone he considers a good friend and i relate to that coz i wouldn't want the same thing either.
I thinking the best thing to tell Steven is something along the lines of "Fine, we don't need to argue, i dont want to hang out but we can talk from time to time. However things wont be the way they used to be"
That's what i'd like to say, but finding a way to express it as such is quite difficult. I just hate upsetting/disappointing people!

I said in my last post that Steven was gone but i suppose he never truely will be. When he leaves at Christmas, that will be a monkey off my back, yeh, but he'll still be lurking about. Suppose i've still just got to contend with him for a months, albeit hopefully not in the same way i have done for the past two years. It's just telling him that that's the problem...
I'd be grateful for some input tho. Anything you want to suggest don't be afraid :)


So that's quite up in the air at the moment but i've a few days to sit back and consider my options. We're off school Thursday, Friday, the weekend (of course) and Monday.


Random bit: The trip to the cinema today was quite good. We seen Scott Pilgrim vs The World and i have to say it is probably the nerdiest film i've ever seen :P

I still enjoyed it, just not as much as everyone else seemed to. I'd give it a 7/10 but im no movie critic.

Might be going back out with them all on Saturday so we'll see but Thursday and Friday i plan to do feck all coz personally i think i deserve a rest from school but there you go.


Got a few other things to post about soon so over my little break, my blogging acitivity may increase but no promises so keep it steady guys ;D


Rowan <3

Changing Friendships

The last few days have been full of turmoil for me in and amongst my group of "friends"

The main reason for this is the visit of you-know-who (The Pope) to Britain but it soon became a lot more personal than that.

Before i go into detail, the situation currently is that i don't speak with a number of the people i did just over a week ago. I don't sit at the same table anymore that these people do, which unfortunately means not being with the overall majority of decent folk who congregate there.

However, there are another "group" of people (i put group in inverted commas coz it sounds like a clique), from which i am quite friendly with a few individuals and they have supported me over the past couple of days and have taken me under their wing. So things are good :)


It all started on Thursday morning when the Pope arrived in Britain, i posted a message on my Facebook page which said this, "Be ashamed Britain, be very ashamed...

FTP (Fuck the Pope) "

I realise now that i shouldn't have posted that seeing as many of the people on my friend's list are Catholic but how and ever i did post it and now it is gone. At the time the reaction was nothing, but after school that day, it erupted.
Now the group i used to hang out with all know im an atheist and don't say much about it but when the Pope arrived they were all up in my face about it. The school showed his arrival live on tv on one of the big screens in the cafeteria during interval and the place whooped with joy (i died a little inside :P)
...and for the rest of the day, my so-called friends took it in turn to "bless" me in the corridors, in classes, everywhere and i found this rather insulting and humiliating - I mean, would they do that to someone in the school who is Muslim?

Anyway, i ignored it best i could and returned home, pretty upset and that's when it started. People took note of my facebook post and facebook exploded :P

I posted it at first coz a few people had said similar and received no reaction, so i thought i would join in - These are people who posted similar stuff are also Atheists and are now in the "group" i hang about with.

But it didn't go well from me, i received mass condemnation (see what i did there?) from all sides and only a few people stuck up for me.
I realise what i said could cause offence but after the way i was treated at school that day i couldn't have cared less.
The argument on this post continued for a few days (Friday in school was quite tense) and culminated on Saturday evening - coz thats how exciting my weekends are.

Basically, as a summary, i lost 4 friends from my old group and tensions were frayed with a few others (and still are a little) but one of the friends i lost goes by the name of (and you'll be happy to hear this) : Steven

He's gone. Honestly.

My plan has already worked, i just didn't expect it to be that quick! :P (not needing to be nice to Steven after the Muse gig)

So yeh, literally a week after the Muse gig, we are no longer considered friends. Absolutely made up about that, i am.

It wasn't all good though. The other 3 friends were nobody special but i enjoyed sitting at my old table coz there were quite a number of people who i get on with. Alex also goes to that table and luckily he "forgave" me for my facebook post.
Another good friend, Louis, did as well. They were cool about it and i was able to talk to them without any hassle today.

So where does that leave me now?

Well, this "new group" as i put it have always been pretty good friends of mine, i just used to hang out with other people but honestly, i feel these guys are better.

They're more understanding about... stuff in general. I also find it quite strange that most of my old group were Catholics but these folk... quite a few are Atheist and share the same views with me on a number of things.
It was a number of people here who defended me on FB as well, they helped me through and stood up for me when i had nobody.

I can't say enough about them, they honestly are some of the nicest, and funniest people i've ever met (although the humour with them is a little bit more warped haha) But it's all good :D

I feel i can be more open with them, and talk about things that are more relevant to me whereas i couldn't with the other people.


Things have finished pretty well tbh, i shouldn't complain but im just disappointed that i wont see some of the decent guys from my old group of freinds. As i said, only probably Alex and Louis.
I wouldn't attempt to go back to the table as i would just be ridiculed. I've already been told by Steven and co. that i'm "no longer welcome"
Suit them.

I also think it shows how fickle and weak Steven is. Last weekend i was his best friend but now im a "total dick" and i've "been a mess for months now"
Nice to know, but my opinion was never too high of you either, buddy.

Another example of this fickleness is a text i recieved from him not long ago "Watch what you say behind my back, things won't end well for you"
Then about 3 hours later on facebook i get "ill gladly leave it, i just felt angry bout it today, but youve got a new group of friends im happy to let you and them be mates, so basically, sorry i came across strong, i still feel a sorry for u for starting everything would be nice, u dnt even need to mean it"

See? Wtf?

I think a sorry would be a big mistake. It wouldn't just be me making up for what i posted (which i don't think is warranted) but would also put us back on friendly terms.
Screw that.

As i said, i can't complain about my situation right now but it could be better.

However, i must look at the positives. I have been welcomed by a group of at least a dozen people who understand me and my views 10 times better than anyone else ever has, and what's more, it's not like meeting new people, coz i already know them. Just gotta get to know them a bit better now :)

Suppose that starts when a few of us go to see Scott Pilgrim vs the World tomorrow after school, can't wait! (I've not seen it yet so no spoilers!)


Dunno why i never hung out with these epic folk before, suppose i just couldn't draw myself away from my old crowd but now that's changed and i am grateful to my new friends for it.


+ STEVEN IS GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Rowan <3


P.S I suppose i need to thank the Pope for that one. After all, his visit caused this :P

But that's all im thanking him for -_-

Blogaversary! \o/

Today i celebrate a year on this blog and it's quite something i have to say.

It feels like yesterday i started and already 365 days have passed me by. And im quite proud that i've actually went this long.


What does a year old blogger make me? I think quite an old veteran in terms of blog years :P
I don't have anything amazingly special to do or say tbh. I did have something planned to celebrate this anniversary but it's been a bit delayed. It doesn't matter when i announce it though, just woulda been cool to do it today but ho-hum. I shan't lose any sleep over it, i'll announce it soon enough ^^
Just want to say thank you to all my 70 followers, even though i don't hear from many of you a lot of the time, its nice to know you're there!
This time last year i had nobody...
...and that's why i made the blog, and the reason still continues today: I know no other gay people in my daily (offline) life.
I can post almost anything i like on ths blog and receive advice and help back from it and i really appreciate that i can recieve it here as i don't have anywhere else really that i can. Parents from time to time i suppose but of course i can't go to them with some of the problems that i detail on here.


Haha, just looking back at my first ever post:

Well, here we are on blogger....

i have never used this before but once it gets going and i get used to it, things should be more interesting, but for now, progress may be slow
Cheers,
Rowan

Suppose that wasn't much of a post so here's my second (but proper first!) post:



this post is basically why i made a blogger account in the first place :

1) where i live is very homophobic - i love all my friends but sometimes the comments they make about gays, bi's, lesbians etc. really gets on my nerves (of course, i'm not outed to anyone) So i created this so i can have somewhere to get away from all that

2) i love talking to other people - i love meeting and chatting to people and i want to get to know some more gay/bi people, as i know hardly any in my school

i thought this post might be longer than it was but apparently not, above are my two main reasons for making a blogger account + my email addy, so don't hesitate if you wanna chat :D
cheers,
Rowan



And those two reasons still remain as i type out my 159th post.
So thanks to everyone who has messaged me and helps me and gives me advice and all those good little things people do that help me get by.
Without the blog, i would have nobody to talk to and i would most likely still be sitting as a lone sad case in my room twiddling my thumbs (on the xbox controller :P)
But i do literally have help 24/7 when needed and for that, i am most grateful *bows*

Rowan <3

The Best Weekend of My Life - Saturday

It truely was out of this world, from the moment i woke up on Saturday morning till the moment i went to be on Sunday night. Words can't do it justice but i will do my best. I'm sorry it has taken me till Wednesday to post this but i've needed some time to think about how to post this and what not.

But let's cut to the chase :)

Oh and *LONG POST WARNING* so make yourself a nice cup of hot cocoa before tackling this epic monster, m'luvlies.


As you know, i was going with Steven and his dad (not my first choice of people, but how and ever, my weekend wa not spoiled by their presence) and we departed about quarter past 9 on the Saturday morning. Must have been in London for about... 11/11:30? Yeh, that sounds right.

That was only London though, still had to get to Wembley, and our hotel, via the tube.

Now the London Underground is *scary* It's sooooo busy. Nobody waits for nobody and if you miss your train - tough tits. But coz it's so busy the next one comes like 2 minutes later anyway.

Wembley itself is in north London and we were making our way from Central/slightly West and had to take 3 different lines (if i recall correctly) to get there! The first line was so busy, i got nervous about even getting off the train in time before it moved on, but i did. The next line was less busy, and the line after that less busy too - The further you stray from central, the quieter is gets.

The image in my mind is still clear as it type this; 1 station before Wembley and seeing the huge arch of the stadium rise out of nowhere and fill the sky. It was massively impressive and i still hadn't seen it in full view. That was until we arrived at Wembley station and were treated to this site :

And this when we got closer:

It began to rain not long after that so we grabbed a quick McDonalds (as you do) and made towards our hotel.

Upon arrival, Steven's dad just told us to take what we need and go get in the queue, he would check us in and would go to the gig about 7pm or so. So off we went.

I crammed into my pockets, my ipod, my phone, my camera, some glowsticks, some more glowsticks, some confetti, and an infaltable alien :D (more on that later)

The rain had gone off by the time we got to the stadium although i brought my hoodie anyway and my hat was in its pockets.

We got rather lucky in terms of queuing. We must have got there about half 1 in the afternoon and already the queue was massively long. Feeling a bit disappointed Steven and I headed from the front down to the back but on our way we notcied many people coming and going under the red tape of the barrier o.O

We quickly glanced around for anyone watching and dived into about the 6th section from the front :P

"We've been sitting here since 10am" we heard someone in our section say. We just looked away and smiled at each other mwahahahahaha

And not long after we got in the queue, security were out in force to prevent anyone else pulling off our little manoeuvre. We got rather lucky.

Our 3 hour wait was rather uneventful, we just sat in the corner and kept ourselves to ourselves mainly, listening to the music being played across the PA. (YMCA came on at one point, Steven groaned and i laughed)

And about half an hour before doors opened, i met someone who i'd been talking to on the Muse website for about the past year. His name is Derrick and he text me when he got to Wembley and we found each other although we couldnt have a proper conversation coz there were too many people around. It was a brief meeting but it was still cool, he is the first person i've met on the internet that lead to meeting in real life. One of his friends i could see thought it was pointless coz the conversation was so brief but it couldnt be helped coz security was getting tighter as the doors weren't long from opening. (Derrick was seated btw)

A loud cheer erupted from somewhere ahead and we seen people dashing forward towards the stadium, section by section and we followed suit. 'Bout 5 mintues later we were in.

I was taken aback by the sheer size of the inside, it's a total monster! And Muse's stage! :O

Well, i'll let you see for yourself -

(That last picture is as far forward as i got for the whole thing. Not too shabby for arriving at half past 1 i must say although the picture makes it look further away than it actually was)

So we were in and i already needed to go to the toilet, so i went as quick as possible. It's not advisable to do so once you have your place but luckily i found Steven in exactly the same place as before ^^

And then the glowstick process started. Mine were confiscated upon entry for some reason but Steven got through with his so we handed them out to people. It's a good way to make acquaintance with other people and we did.

We met 3 lovely people by the names of Sam, Andy and Heather. (Andy and Heather were a couple and Sam was hot and not with anyone lol)

So we gave them a glowstick each and we got chatting and found that we liked a lot of the same stuff. I suppose many Musers have the same mentality :P

About 5:30pm (behind schedule) the first support band came on and my legs were already hurting from standing! It was funny beforehand, the sound crew were sorting stuff out and the crowd were cheering them lol "Wooo guitar techy, legend!!!!" etc. etc.

Anyhoo, I Am Arrows (the band in the above picture) played their set and they weren't bad but they weren't anything amazing. At least something to take my mind off my sore legs and back.

White Lies were next and i know of them somewhat, only their song entitled "Death" which was the only real highlight of their set for me. But i did take a video of the song "Farewell to the Fairground"

Sorry for the poor quality, phone was for videos and camera was for photos :P

There's a picture of White Lies to compensate ^^

By the time Biffy took to the stage, it was getting darker. Must have been about 8pm. During the break between White Lies we sat down on the pitch coz our legs and backs were so tired. Also, during this time i was lucky enough to have a cup of... urine splash the top of my head >.>

Well, i think it was urine, there aren't many warm drinks available inside the stadium from my knowledge. All 5 of us got hit. Lovely. But anyway, it did not deter us.

Before Biffy came on i warned that they woulr probably open with "That Golden Rule" and the place would go mental. I was right ^^

And it was freakin' insaaaaane!

Big mosh pit started right where we were and i was disbanded from Steven for the rest of the gig (oh dear, what a shame) but i still managed to stick close to Sam, Andy and Heather.

Take a note of Biffy's setlist, coz i'll be using it as a timeline somewhat:

1.That Golden Rule
2.Living Is A Problem Because Everything Dies

3.Glitter And Trauma

4.Bubbles

5.Who's Got A Match?

6.God & Satan

7.Mountains

8.Born On A Horse

9.Shock Shock

10.Many Of Horror

11.The Captain

That Golden Rule was my first ever experience of a mosh pit and let's just say i wasn't hanging around. I got myself out of there as soon as i could :P

Living is a Problem also conjured a mosh-pit, the first two songs being some of Biffy's heaviest work.

I went crazy when i heard the opening bar of Glitter and Trauma coz it's perhaps my favourite Biffy Clyro song and i didn't think they would play it.

Everyone knows Bubbles of course ^^

Who's Got a Match? was pretty good.

God & Satan was a little boring so i videoed it but im afraid i cant find it. Sorry.

Mountains drew a huge response from the crowd.

Born on a Horse wasn't really anything special.

I had never really liked Shock Shock until i heard it played live and its currently one of my favourite songs :)

I called Alan during Many of Horror cause he requested that either i or Steven did and i knew he wouldn't. So i did, and it was a bit of an emotional experience cause Many of Horror is one of their slower songs.

And of course The Captain was excellent.

An excellent setlist by Biffy Clyro and a little taster of what's to come this winter, when i will hopefully be seeing them twice. They play with their shirts off btw :O

Bit blurry so here's another

(looks so far away GRRRRRR)

So after the awesomeness that was Biffy Clyro, there was about a half an hour wait till Muse. I was already so tired and thirsty by this point. During a normal gig, you have the support band then the main act, about 3 or 4 hours in total, i had been standing and went without a drink for about 7 hours before Muse came on. It was quite awful to be honest. But i somehow put it to one side when Muse came on.

It was quite funny actually, we were all just sitting, chatting, U2 playing over the PA when suddenly *darkness* O_O

Everyone was a bit wtf, but then out came what was a staged protest onto the stage. People in heavy clothes, waving banners and flags and setting off smoke it was really atmospheric and quite creepy. Then red lights came on and Muse launched into Uprising.

The crowd went CRAZY! (and luckily the rain came on a little but didnt stay unfortunately, i needed water badly)

I was near the front of about 30/40,000 stading people and the surge of the crowd was unreal. Jumping up and down, getting thrown from side to side. Totally insane is how i would describe it.

And that was just the start of Muse's setlist. The best btw, that they have played in about 3 or 4 years.

1.Uprising Extended Outro

2.Supermassive Black Hole
3.MK Ultra + Township Rebellion riff
4.Map of the Problematique + Who Knows Who riff
5.Bliss (Extended Outro)
6.Guiding Light
7.Hysteria (Interlude Intro) + Back in Black riff outro
8.Citizen Erased
9.Nishe
10.United States Of Eurasia
11.Ruled by Secrecy
12.Feeling Good (Leslie Bricusse & Anthony Newley cover)
13.MK Jam
14.Undisclosed Desires
15.Resistance
16.Starlight
17.Time Is Running Out House of the Rising Sun intro + Voodoo Child riff and Jimmy Jam Outro
18.Unnatural Selection

Encore:

19.Exogenesis: Symphony, Part 1: Overture
20.Stockholm Syndrome + War within a Breath riff and Ashamed Outro

Encore 2:

21.Take A Bow
22.Plug In Baby
23.Knights of Cydonia
 
 
I lost Sam, Andy and Heather during the craziness of Uprising and then they played a really heavy outro and there was a mosh pit.
Supermassive Black Hole followed for all the Twilight fans ^^
Now MK Ultra. Back when i seen Muse in November i was expecting them to play this and they didn't so i was ecstatic when i heard the first few bars of this. I was also reunited with Sam, and only Sam, by the end of this song which involved more moshing. It was a godsend that i found him again (more on that later)
 
Map of the Problematique is one ive seen before but was always nice to see once more.
Bliss. Another story here. It is one of my all time favourite (Muse) songs. I selected it as one of my theme songs on DJ's post. And i wasn't sure it was Bliss at the very start. the chords sounded similar and i was like, "Is this Bliss?" and sure enough it was!
One of the bounciest Muse songs and i bounced my way right through and over the top of Matt Bellamy's screeching falsetto. I said i could die happy when it ended but i sais that many times that night ^_^
 
The boring Guiding Light followed but it was ok this time round. It was designed to be played in a stadium and during the cheesy 80's guitar solo streams of paper and confetti were shot into the air. I caught some and its currently pinned on my wall :P
 
But what followed was maybe the highlight. Of my entire life. Citizen Erased is probably my favourite song of all time and Muse always play a small teaser at the start, whenever they perform it. A "BOOM BOOM" on the drums and as soon as i heard that i knew what it was and screamed "FUCKIN CITIZEN ERASED!!!"
The look on my face was probably priceless i expect but it was soon wiped away by the following mosh and replaced not long after that by tears of happiness during the slow, deep and moving section towards the end of the song. I called Alex so he could hear the end of the song (not me crying) but i was bawling like a baby coz it meant so much to me to see that song live.
I think it goes to show how amazing that song is. From moshing to crying. Only Muse <3
 
They plan their setlists well coz those opening 7 songs are quite heavy so the piano section calms that down nicely. Let's you catch your breath and so i did for United States of Eurasia. But something else re-took my breath - the opening bars of Ruled By Secrecy, a song i would never have dreamed of seeing performed live. I was aghast. Its a nice slow song so i took out one of my glowsticks, a big 6 inch yellow one (no jokes please) and waved it around, much to the aMUSEment of those around me. I gave Sam one too.
 
I amused those around me when i handed out confetti during Feeling Good too. Matt Bellamy (lead singer btw) used to throw confetti when he reached the highest note during the song but he has stopped during it now so i carried on the tradition. I did back in November too. People laughed :P
 
But after the piano was rolled away, i became quite light-headed. The guitar came back out and from Resistance onwards i felt quite dizzy and tired. However MK Jam was worth a laugh, its a kind of techno styled drum and bass jam and Sam started singing "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" and it fit perfectly with the song lol.
 
And Muse played it (and Undisclosed Desires) on a moving, revolving stage and the drummer played a glowing electric drumkit while Bellamy played a keytar and the bassist added some slap bass. Again, only Muse <3
 
 

 
But when Starlight came on i knew i'd almost had it. I didn't jump once from then till Unnatural Selection and the crowd around me punished me. It was nice to hear a little Voodoo Child and House of the Rising Sun jam however.
 
This is where me finding Sam again was life-saving. I knew Unnatural Selection would be crazy and it would finish the main set so i said to Sam "Mate, if i collapse would you please help me out of here?"
He obliged although it wasnt needed.
But after it finished he dragged me out (somehow) and got me some water and a seat and he stayed with me. I was awed, i had only been with the guy for a few hours and he pretty much saved my life by dragging me out the crowd. Without him, i could have been in a lot of trouble. Imagine collapsing at the front of 40,000 standing lunatics O_O
 

So we sat and watched the first song of the encore - Exogenesis. While a woman dangling from a UFO circled the crowd and i blew up my inflatable alien, along with many other fans as this was all pre-planned.

 

Thats where we sat during Exogenesis (stage is out of shot, to the right) but after that Stockholm Syndrome came on and we dived back into the crowd getting nearly back to the exact same position as we were before. Quite amazing for a crowd that size.

We didn't get all the atmosphere i hoped for this song however coz the outskirts of the crowd are the ones who play it safe and don't generally jump around. But we were back in place for the 2nd encore of another of my all time favourites Take a Bow. In which Bellamy played the song on the moving stage on his own wearing a flashing LED suit, as you do. I still screamed "BELLAMY YOU'RE A FUCKIN LEGEND!"

 :D

Immediately after, Plug in Baby came on and its another very bouncy tune. Lots of jumping and i got a stitch, or a stomach muscle ache but i *ahem* muscled on... *smirks*

This song is quite special too as Muse always release gigantic balloons into the crowd. Here's a short video of after the song:

That was the penultimate song. Knights of Cydonia followed it. But just before it, Sam told me he had to leave and find Andy and Heather who were now in the seats, so reluctantly i said goodbye but we exchanged numbers and i thanked him once again for helping me and i gave him a massive hug and he gave me one in return. It was sweet and I dont care who was looking! He's a legend :) (and he was hot)

So i was on my lonesome for Knights of Cydonia (with Morrio Erricone-esque intro)

It's an absolutely amazing song. And 70,000 in Wembley went wild at the ending part. THE BIGGEST MOSH EVER! Im certain nearly everyone standing was bouncing and thrashing and kicking along to the end riff of this song. (if you havent heard it, i suggest you find it to know what im on about!)

And it ended with Muse thanking "the real fans" for coming to see them. It was their last British gig for a while but they'll be back, they assured us.

And the ligths lit up Wembley stadium once more and the crowd erupted yet again.

I staggered around in awe of what i had just experienced, holding a glowstick in the air so Steven could find me. I just kind wandered aimlessly around for 10 minutes till i heard "Oh there you are, put that thing down"

Then we both staggered in unison back to the hotel to find Steven's dad drinking with two guys from Guernsey, so we sat with them for a bit before going up to get changed and going back out to McDonalds, which was on the other side of the stadium. It was midnight by this point and i was wandering around London with a McDonalds in hand, i found it quite surreal. We passed the stadium once more on our way back, and i'll never forget this moment.

The road our hotel was on, was the West Service Gate of Wembley Stadium. An hour previous to this moment, it was filled with cars heading home from the gig but now it was deserted. Suddenly, a black 4x4 with blacked out windows comes scooting out the service gate. We were both like "No. Way"

We waved at it in case it really was Muse inside but i suppose we'll never know. However, we did discuss it and came to the conclusion that there was a strong chance it was. I mean, it wasn't the cleaners was it?

:)

Anyhoo, we had our chips *haha* and went to bed. Or rather, Steven and his dad did, i just lay there recalling all of the nights events. Surprisingly, it took me a while to drift off but i eventually did. Still awe-struck.

And that wraps up Saturday. Yes, it was a long post, but it was a long day ya see. And im sure you probably didn't read all of it but thats ok, i understand, it's pretty lengthy. I should know, took me long enough to type this out :P

I'll post about the next day later but this was the main article and i'm sure you can gather how amazing it was. Insane. Incredible. Out of this godamn world. and so on and so forth.

It lived upto and surpassed my expectations. And I'm one of the few (or 70,000) people who can say that September 11th was the best day of my life :)

Au revoir for now

Rowan <3

This was taken from the top of west service gate street right after the gig

P.S  My next post should be my blogaversary post. 1 year on my blog - 17th September. Just sayin' ;)

I did have something planned for it but its gonna be a bit delayed. More on that soon.

P.P.S Roll on Biffy!

P.P.P.S - MYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE! <3