Updates

So it's been a while since my last post (prepare yourself for a long'un) and for good reason.

This summer has been way more eventful and outgoing for myself than i'd have ever imagined.

Honestly, i've spent as much time at my house as i have at other people's. It's strange coz i never usually do a lot over summer. Just sit inside and do whatever but anyway, onto what you're probably expecting to read.

The situation between myself, Susan and Rose for starters.

Rose is sorted and there was quite a bit of skill involved actually, however mean that sounds.

It was over Facebook, as it usually is. She goes, "You're gay for me" and im thinking, "Ah, this could be going somewhere" so i replied with "Nup"

It continued: 

Rose: yep

Me: Nope

Rose: why not :(

Me: Cuz

Rose: ye that makes sence >.<

Me: Yup.

Rose: your boring me

Me: I am boring.

Me: and you're*

Rose: not usually :( you just dont love me anymore

Me: ... (5 minutes later)

‎Rose: :/

Not my proudest moment but it had to be done. Facebook, in person, doesn't matter. Still felt bad but it's probably easier over the internet tbh but now that Rose has realised it ain't happening, i still have to sort things with Susan.

I honestly think the best way of dealing with it is to let it all fade away. If i don't act then surely that gets the hint across that i'm not interested, right?

Instead of going through with some overblown and awkward confrontation, letting things slide away gradually sounds a lot better and that way we can remain friends as well, whereas i'm not sure how the ground will lie with Rose when i see her next.

At least it isn't awkward with Susan at the moment, such as this previous weekend.

It was her birthday and it was a blast!

Just took place at her house, group of friends were invited. Good fun.

There was secret talk amongst us all of getting alcohol somehow coz we knew her parents would be gone for a bit.

Didn't matter in the end coz her parents actually bought a whole crate of Budweiser for the guys and loads of Smirnoff Ice for the ladies!

What legends.

It was another evening of getting drunk without planning to.

I need to learn how to handle alcohol properly coz i threw up again. My theory is that both times i was drinking i hadn't eaten so next time, i will make sure i do :P

Anyway, when a group of teenagers are left alone with alcohol, funny and weird things happen.

Such as me and Nicholas kissing.

This was after a few beers but i remember it vividly and it was nice but by the same token it was very brief and more akin to a little kiss you'd give your mother, if maybe just a little bit more than that. However, it was overshadowed by a full french kiss involving Melly and another girl. This was in the middle of the living room with everyone watching. Guess that's one way to announce your sexuality.

I think Melly made a bit of a boo-boo there coz it's what most people remember from that night. Not that anybody is hating on her coz of it tho which is good.

Anyhoo, Susan's parents were awesome. They actually came back home and this was after most of the drink had been drunk. A bit tactless but they must have been geared up for it. They were both really concerned for me when i was sick but when i half sobered up, i said thanks and sorry. Was weird :P

I'd be tempted to go out with Susan just because her parents are so great... jokes, jokes.

I didn't actually end up going home for a few days after that. Stayed a night at Nicholas' house with a load of people and the day after i went to Josh's. 

Usually that involves a whole load of Rock Band but it was one of the nicest days of the year so far so we went a walk. He lives in the countryside pretty much so some of the scenery was actually quite lovely. There's a great little river round the back of his house as well which he didn't know about.

He's lived there for 4 years and it took me and a bit of sun for him to find that out. Yeah, he's quite a nerd :P

What else has been happening recently? Let's see... 

Oh yeh, I went to an auditioning for a film the other week. 

Ok. Not so much an auditioning but fill in some details and get your picture taken. It's only to be an extra but hey, the pay is rather good. Maybe £100 a day and could be working for 10!

More on that when i find out if i'm in or not. I do hope i find out soon coz it will affect the rest of my plans for summer...

I'm supposed to be going with Josh, and a group of other friends, to his dad's house near Manchester someplace but i can't commit to it until i know if i've been cast or not :P

I'd love to do both but there's a good chance they could clash. If they don't then it will probably take place when school starts back so i wouldn't be able to go... there's also Reading and Leeds at the end of next month to think about.

If only they could have given us the dates and i could have made my mind up before i auditioned!

Next month would be perfect if i could be in the film, go to Josh's, and go to Reading and Leeds. Unlikely but who knows.

Speaking of films, I've become a bit of a movie buff recently. I've applied to a local cinema group (another thing i'm waiting to hear back from) and when i've not been out and about, i've been watching movies.

So many films out there that i've not seen. I have a list that i'm currently working my way through. For example, one of the most recent was There Will Be Blood and the next few include Chinatown, Das Boot and Raging Bull.

Anyway, one reason i've applied to this group is to further my movie knowlegde, as well as talk about movies with people my age, get out the house a little and (although nobody will admit it) put it down on a CV for applying to university.

The atmosphere at the group is also unbelievably camp. I swear at least 2 or 3 of the guys there are gay! 

So i do quite hope i get accepted into that.

I'll finish by talking a little about Reading and Leeds, which is now exactly a month away! I'm excited, but nervous at the same time coz i'm still waiting on the Reading tickets. Got my Leeds but Reading seems to be waiting around. I check my email literally every day just to see if there's been any change :P

Going with Bryan doesn't seem as great as it once did. I haven't seen him once since school let out which is a shame (since he owes me a fair amount of money... kidding) but just because i do quite miss him. But not seeing him has made me realise something. I've seen people like Josh, Rob, Nicholas, Susan et al so many times recently compared to not seeing Bryan at all. It's probably coz he isn't actually in the same friend group in all honesty.

But then there's a reason for that. People in the same friend group are there because they get on well with each other. Obviously Bryan gets on better with other people which i just have to accept. Nothing that can be done about that.

I mean, he is still a friend but isn't quite a friend like Josh, for example. 

Josh lives over 10 miles away and i've seen him more for christ sake! That speaks volumes in my opinion. Plus, im comfortable enough for Josh to know i'm gay but i've no intention of telling Bryan.

Anyway, i am going to try and invite him round over the weekend. Will be nice to spend a bit of time with him again and on the plus side, i now know he didn't end up going bald after all xD

Phew. Think that's just about all i've got in me for now. I'd have posted this in bits over the past few weeks if i had to time but if you've read this far you can probably see that's been a bit difficult to come across!

After about 3 weeks of nothing i felt i owed a longish post anyway so there it is... what you've just slaved your way through reading.

Hope y'all are fine and dandy :)

Rowan <3

Really into this song by the Fab Four at the moment:

Here's the Story

In my last post i mentioned there was a big meet up at someone's house so just for background information this "someone" was Nicholas. Mentioned him a few posts back, he's mega rich, massive house and his parents are away on holiday. I ended up staying two nights for that reason which is why this post has been a bit delayed.

Anyways, I went to his on Wednesday, kinda nervous coz i knew Susan would be there and i had the idea in my head that i'd be able to talk privately with her somewhere. However, with all that was going on - clearing ASDA out of their full stock of 1 litre Orange Lucoazde bottles between us, messing around on computers etc - and mainly coz there were so many people there, it turned out to be impossible. I think there were 10 people in total.

The opportunity to talk never presented itself, besides it was already awkward enough. We barely talked from the time she got there (2pm) to the time she left (bout 9pm)

I seem to remember we did talk a bit but that's only after the booze came out...

*facepalm*

Yes. I'll own up now. I got drunk.

Trust me, i didn't plan to but it happened. Nicholas started drinking to build up some Dutch courage to break up with his girlfriend and then continued to drink in celebration afterwards. Josh had a little, his friend Melly had some and then i thought, "What the hell" and joined in.

It was an innocent mix of gin and coke to begin with but we soon discovered Nicholas' wine seller and that was it. I ended up getting drunk on red wine, how very homosexual.

But this lead to the most important detail of the night. Bits of this instance are missing from memory, like most of the night in general, but i told Josh and his friend, Melly, that i do like guys.

I don't remember how but we found ourselves in a private part of the house, all 3 of us drunk and i seem to recall me saying something along the lines of, "Guys, i'm at least bi you know, i do like guys." To my knowledge, i did not full out say i was gay but in all honesty, i probably could've coz both of them didn't mind. As i said my memory is a bit blank in places but i also recall Bryan's name coming up in that conversation o_O

Hope i didn't say something a bit more, than i thought. Josh didn't mention Bryan the next day when we talked but i haven't discussed it yet with Melly. She also levelled with me by saying that she is probably bi and has done things with girls before. Whaddya know.

For the record, this was after Susan had left the house and the conversation was solely between Josh, Melly and I. I don't know why i told Melly tho. I know her fairly well but not well enough to say what i did in all honesty. Thankfully, Josh and her are tight and he has assured me that she won't go talking and neither will he. By the same token, i won't go blabbing about Melly so we're on the same playing field.

That was the night's main events apart from all of us attempting (and apparently failing) to walk Melly home and then returning to Nicholas' house and throwing up in his sink whilst on Facebook via my iPod at the same time.

The people who stayed sober had a good laugh about that. Josh, Melly, Nicholas and i were the most drunk. A few others had enough to get a little drunk and the rest didn't touch any. Our group honestly isn't one to go drinking a lot. I personally am not so i'm a bit surprised i did tbh. I'm a bit surprised ANY of us did but there you go. It has made me realise why people do drink with their friends. Part of it was quite fun, but it's the aftermath - the vomiting and the headaches - that counters it.

It's certainly the most drunk i've ever been though and if i ever do again i will make sure i've at least eaten something and i'm not drinking red wine - i swear i thought i was throwing up blood at the time - hopefully beer, if anything.

Anyway, now that you've read all that i'm guessing a few of you may be quite disappointed and rightly so. I did read all your comments and i did try hard to speak openly with Susan to clear the air but to no avail. Getting drunk certainly wasn't part of my game plan so i can only apologise once again. I certainly didn't ignore anything that was said. I considered it all and thank you for going to the trouble of attempting to help me.

At the end of the day, things have worked out positively for the moment. Not 100% positively but it's still good nevertheless. Two trustworthy people know i like guys. I see that as a plus. The situation with Susan and Rose needs to just work itself out however, and Josh even believes the same.

I see a lot more of Susan than i do of Rose. Rose is like an annoying stalker to be brutally honest. She texts me non-stop but i hardly see her. I'll be surprised if i do once this summer but if i do, i will try to get her to back off even if i hate rejecting people in that way.

Susan is on holiday for a week or two but no doubt i'll see her and hopefully i can tell her then. Whether i have to come out to either of them remains to be seen. I don't know. Josh (who knows both quite well) thinks the best thing to do would be to just tell them i'm sorry i don't feel the same way about them and like them as friends. A few comments suggested this as well and i'm more inclined to agree with them.

Josh has my back though which is an important thing. Well, i'd like to think he does.


Anyhoo, as for now i'm back home and just trying to relax after the last few days. It's been hectic, fun, interesting and worrying. Nothing happened the second day i was there apart from loads of gaming. Perhaps part of the reason i did get drunk was because i knew i didn't have to go home the next day... who knows, but apparently festivities involving alcohol are planned again for tonight.

Josh is still there, Nicholas obviously and Melly is returning. I'll leave them to it. If i didn't have such a busy weekend then i might consider it but it doesn't matter anyway coz i'm home now. See, I AM responsible. I know when enough is enough :P

But i just want to apologise again if i've let anyone down. I really hope i haven't and i appreciate your help. This situation isn't pleasant (although its certainly easier with advice from folk reading this!) but hopefully it isn't as bad as it seems and can be cleared up within the next few weeks. I'll keep you updated, of course, and i'll try to sort it out as best i can.


Rowan <3

Help?

This isn't the next post i had in mind but my need for help has only developed over the past few hours. It is an issue i'm sure many, or at least some, gay guys experience... having girls fancy them.

Im quite flattered that not one, but two different girls are seemingly interested in me. Lets me know i'm not completely hideous!

The thing is, both are rather close friends which just ups the awkwardness to unbearable levels.

First, there is Susan who i usually walk to the train with after school and see her at break/lunchtime etc.
Then there is Rose. The previous time i mentioned her was when i was talking about her being a lesbian. Well, it appears not now. I also see her at breaks and lunchtime.

It all came about on Facebook (as it usually does) Rose was asking if i wanted to go to the cinema tomorrow to which i tried to say no in the nicest way i could. I hate rejecting people but there's already a big meet planned tomorrow at someone's house so i wasn't changing my plans. She couldn't seem to accept it and got upset so i started to feel bad.

Susan, in her wisdom, managed to sense this and talked to me through private messages. She pretty much revealed that Rose is interested in me, even if i've had the feeling that she does for over a month a now, she confirmed it. She said, "Rose is trying to make it into some sort of competition". To which i replied, "With who?"
Only for Susan to say, "Me"

As with Rose, i had a slight feeling that Susan was interested in me, too, but now i know. The cat is out of the bag. But when she said it i had that old Bruce Willis moment. The one where he's in a really crap situation but starts to laugh anyway, in despair.

I basically replied saying that i am flattered but need time to think and still want to remain friends no mater what. Which is, in fact, the truth.

But the awkward situation remains... I'm still gay. Oh, Josh knows that both Rose and Susan fancy me as well so how will it look to people that know if i turn down the advances of two girls?

It basically screams, "LOOK AT ME, I'M A HOMO!!!" With rainbows decorating the words and fairies dancing around in their thousands.

As i said, there's a big meet tomorrow at a friends' house. Susan will be there, not sure about Rose but avoiding the situation won't do any good. It'll be awkward but i will need to tell BOTH that i don't feel the same way. I could barely turn down going to the cinema, so i don't know how i'm going to justify rejecting going out with them. (I hate that word - reject. *shivers* It's so cruel)

Susan already suspects i'm gay, not gonna lie about it, All of us were at the park the other day. It was lovely, the sun was out and spirits were high. Anyway, twice, Susan asked me twice, "Are you gay?" in front of at least 7 other people. I hate when she does that, it's so annoying. She's asked me before just between us and i've managed to deflect it which only raises suspicions and i did so again at the park which only raises the suspicions of EVERYONE.

Fuck, i'm not ready to be out to EVERYONE.

Really.

And that's where the situation is so awful. When (not if) i reject Susan, she will automatically assume i'm gay. Josh probably will. Susan's close friends - probably the same. Rose, probably as well. With that many people with that knowledge in a high school environment it is going to spread like *wildfire*

Dayum. It's closing in. I'm just thinking. I'm probably not going to be able to live as "straight me" for much longer. "Bisexual me" seems like a long way off as well. "Gay me" is popping his head way out of the closet and screaming, "IT'S TIME"

It could, and i think is quite likely to happen tomorrow. There's supposed to be alcohol involved so perhaps i could just get so completely drunk that i don't give a flying shit. Either way, i think it could. I'm not going to avoid it. I'll brave it, for some reason. Why put it off?


A penny for you guys' thoughts? Please, i need something, anything :/


Rowan <3

First Week of Summer

The past week has been rather awesome. First, there was last weekend which i posted about and then this week was good as well. A combination of lazing around and being active. The latter coming in the second half of the week.

Thursday and Friday were the biggest talking points.... Tickets for Leeds Festival arrived! I could not believe it. I was half waking up when my dad went, "Oh, there's something about Leeds downstairs for you". I was there in about 3 seconds. Can't quite explain the happiness, and relief tbh, of getting them so early.

The Reading tickets are another matter but thats for another time.

So i also went to Josh's on Thursday for like the first time in 2 years. Going to his was always an occasion coz he lives in the bloody back o' beyond. Honestly, about 20 miles away from my house. The drive to his house was actually the first time i ever listened to Muse's "Origin of Symmetry" so it was a nice coincidence that i should be going to his after my tickets just arrived :P

Anyway, t'was the first time in a while i'd been there and it was exactly as i remember: messy as hell.

Didn't matter. Just like old times we played Rock Band and Guitar Hero into the early hours of the morning but not before we had a jam (and no that is not a sexual euphemism!)
I brought my bass round, and a banjo - coz it was Banjo Appreciation Day - and lastly, my amp.

Now, since i got my amp nearly 18 months ago the only time it has moved was when i was moving room and that was bad enough. It's quite a monster. Barely even fit in the back seat of the car :P

So with him on drums and me on bass we proceeded to make a load of noise, churning out some Queens of the Stone Age, Arctic Monkeys, Muse.

This was all our kit, without the mega drum kit and amps in the photo!

I think we're kinda in a band tbh. It's not official but we're thinking of asking Alex if he wants to come and jam one day and we'll see where it goes from there. Never been in a band, me :P

So that was Thursday at Josh's. We were accompanied by 18 bottles of Lucozade in the space of about 24 hours. It's out drink. Always has been, always will be. On the fast track down Diabetes Lane!


Friday was exciting. We had to get back to mine and we got a lift off my dad thankfully (what a god!)

This was because we were due to be on the radio! Ok not big, commercial radio but a volunteer station that a few friends go to on a Friday. Alex usually goes but he couldn't coz he's on holiday and so is one of the other guys so the last remaining guy was asking if anyone wanted to so i said yes immediately and Josh did, too.

It was great fun. Even though it isn't commercial, the station is still regulated by OFCOM so we weren't allowed to swear and it was hilarious how many time we came close to doing so. In general we looked up funny/weird stories to talk about. Talked about the tennis even though i don't have much interest in it and of course we played some tunes! Alex is still away next week so Josh and I could be back on this Friday but i don't really know yet. This weekend is busy enough (i'll talk about it at a later date)

After the radio we had quite an adventure getting home. The train we got wasn't on the usual line so we nearly got lost. We had to actually change lines and while we were waiting we ran through a dodgy part of town in search of more Orange Lucozade but everywhere was sold out :(

And when we got the next train, the conductor questioned our ages even though the previous conductor issued us with juniors tickets (which he shouldn't have done :P). Was quite the adventure indeed.

I honestly have Josh to thank for a good opening week to the summer. Without him, i'd have just been sitting around the house, watching films, playing games, masturbating... the usual :P

However, he didn't actually bring up who i "like", which i found odd. I kept waiting on him to question me and as i said, i wouldn't have told him but i was bracing myself for a while to tell him that i do in fact like guys, but alas, the opportunity never presented itself. Meh, i'm not complaining.


This week is going to be a bit lazier. I don't have much planned, but the weekend seems like it could be quite hectic. We shall see, and i'll post about it soon!


Rowan <3




I do not endorse the lyrical content of this epic song xD