Grieving

A strange topic you may say. Well, it isn't about me thankfully, im not the one grieving. Unfortunately, it's Bryan, his Grandad died this evening :/

I've talked to him a little but not in person yet coz it happened after school, or at least thats when he found out.

Basically, i am asking your advice because reading stuff on the internet makes me worry that i've said or will say something wrong. For example, one site said not to compare someone else's grieving to a grievance you have experienced, something i've already done. His situation is similar to what my Grandad's was a few years ago - only given a few months to live - so i compared it so he feels able to come to me if he wishes, coz i might be able to help with the situation having been through it myself.

Of course, this certain site says not to do that so to avoid any further worry or despair, i felt it would be better to ask *actual* people instead of just reading what some randomer has typed.

Also, its difficult coz this isn't something i've ever experienced before. I've never been in the situation of helping someone deal with a loss so i, myself, am a bit lost. (Although i have, of course, said that if he wants to chat to get something of his chest then he needn't hesitate in asking)



I'm open to any suggestions. I just want to make sure im being a good friend for him, im not using this as an apportunity for personal gain or anything. I don't like seeing my friends down, and i know this is a difficult time especially with exams approaching, so if you know anything that would be useful then please... im happy to hear anything :)

Thanks very much guys.


Rowan <3

Out to My Dad

These Easter holidays, which are about at an end, have not been very active and outgoing for me in particular but my word have they been fecking eventful. Perhaps life-changing if you want to go that far.

Let's see, i've realised the truth about Bryan and had him stay at my house. While it wasn't the best night and while its still hard to contend with that all we can be is friends, i can at least work on getting over it and looking elsewhere...

The other part of this eventful couple of weeks was my dad knowing im gay. There's a bit of backstory to it.

I guess is starts last Monday... Tuesday?
I was having a pretty bad day and felt like hell to the point i was (and i will admit) in tears. I even took the dog for a walk and found somewhere secluded just so i could be out of the house a bit but never mind that...

I came back in and just lay in bed and mum came in knowing something wasn't quite right. So we talked, quite a heavy talk, and while i didn't actually mention Bryan im thinking she got the jist. To be honest, i think she actually thinks Bryan is gay and that we fell out or something when he was round. I neither confirmed or denied this.
Anyhoo, my dad came home from work to find us like this and i just pretended i was ill but he clearly knew i wasn't and he said, while watching the golf Masters later that night, that he doesn't like people, in his own family especially, keeping secrets from him.
All the time im thinking i know it isnt fair on you but i can't fucking tell you!

So, it was on Thursday that shit really went down, just before i wrote my 200th post.
Mum and dad were arguing, which frankly isn't too uncommon at the minute.
Anyhoo, mum came up to my room once again and we had another little chat. She revealed that dad knew im gay. How it came about was quite strange and im still a little suspicious about it in all honesty but it turns out my dad has known since about February when another argument took place.
Apparently it all kicked off about keeping secrets and stuff like that. Allegedly, dad was giving off the impression that i had actually told him as well and so mum was like, "Oh you know?" which lead my dad to say, "Well, i guessed but now you've pretty much confirmed it"

Thanks mum...

But that is a positive thing in a way. Look at it, my dad has known since February and there have been no repercussions, no words said or anything so... yay i guess. Id still have preferred to tell him on my own terms but never mind :/

After all this was revealed, mum went down to finish her "discussion" and then not long after dad came up. I was not looking forward to this but he basically said what my mum said on the day, "I dont care if you're an axe-wielding murderer, i'll still defend you to the death,"

Anyway, what followed was nearly a two hour long discussion about, really... life.

All sorts of things were covered: religion, music even, loads of stuff. Even some truths my dad revealed about some things that i'd honestly have preferred he didn't mention but never the mind. In all honesty, it was probably the funniest serious conversation i've ever had and ever will have. I mean, i was nervous at the start but i gradually got more comfortable.
It's still weird tho and of course i wouldn't call it an enjoyable experience but the fact that my dad knows now and hasn't made a big deal of it (at least to me he hasn't) makes me feel a bit more at ease. I always imagined a much different reaction, (a negative one) one that would come in a few years and not now which is where im annoyed.
Mum says she didn't betray my trust and while i agree she didn't, i was still outed and im not comfortable with that, id have liked to have made that decision on my own regardless of what my dad thought.

In the end, my dad said what he did the other night about not liking secrets being kept and i said what i was thinking that night. I also told him it isn't the easiest thing to talk about but there you go. I know he'd like me to talk to him a bit more but i still don't see it happening. Im honestly not great at opening up unless i really have to, and i did on Monday/Tuesday night to my mum and to a certain extent on Thursday as well.

I have a sneaking suspicion about my dad. He wants to be there for his kids, which i completely understand coz thats what a parent should be and i respect that. However, i think he is driven by the fact that his dad wasn't really there for him a lot and actually died when he was 14 so i see it as him trying to better his dad. Y'know giving his kids what he never had - a better childhood. Although id hardly say mine was ever brilliant in any case but never mind.


On the whole, these past few weeks have been mind-bending and the aftermath equally so. Even as i type this out, recent events haven't quite settled in. I still do, and always will, find Bryan mega-hot but maybe with the knowledge that he isn't gay, my attraction might die down. In a sad way, i hope it does coz then i can forget about it and look to pastures new.
As for the whole situation with my dad... Well, when i came out to my mum it took a few weeks to settle in completely. Every time i looked at her i immediately thought, "holy shit, she knows" and thats the way it is with my dad even now. I've a feeling it might take longer with my dad coz he had a harder, more traditional upbringing. It's not like he's a massive, scary "man's man" but he has a different mentality to my mum so its a bit different in that respect. He is still, by all accounts, a very loving, family-oriented man. I hope im converying what i want to there...

Regardless, at least now its out the way i can try and focus on my exams. With the past few weeks, i've only been able to concentrate on, and dedicate time to, homework that was actually assigned over the holidays. I've done no studying outwith that which is quite a poor show but i've had a shitload on my mind so maybe i can study a bit more now. We'll see coz apart from securing English quotes/doing timed essays and learning music concepts, i wouldn't say i've a lot to do. It's just when i hear all my friends have been studying for 4/5 hours a day, i go on a guilt trip.

Anyway, i've went on enough and if you've read this far then i congratulate and thank you :P


Rowan <3

200TH POST!!!

One thing i forgot to write was about the Hillsborough Disaster this day in 1989. 96 Liverpool fans lost their lives at a football match. I may not even have been alive at this time but the whole thing really touches me and id like if you could spare them a thought today, i certainly will. May they rest in peace. You'll Never Walk Alone.

Bryan's Stayover

I call them "stayovers" coz "sleepovers" imply sleep :P

Anyhoo, yes. I finally had Bryan stay over last night, id have posted about it earlier in the week but he wasn't sure whether he'd be able to come over or not, but in the end he did.

I'll say now before i talk in any more detail, nothing sexual took place... unfortunately.

However it was fairly, umm, eventful.


It started off so well, i met up with him after a music listening easter school i went to (just basically an extra help class) and we took the train back to my place.

Mum and dad had never met him before but they all seemed to get on fairly well together. Good stuff coz Bryan is the first person i've had stay over since i came out to my mum so i think she was rather suspectful of us...
The whole night really took place in my room where we played Rock Band 3 for a bit which was great fun. I'd never played it before so it was something new as well.

Dinner was where things went rather Pete Tong.
I don't know how or why this happened but i simply couldn't eat, i had no appetite, and that was after ordering a kebab for the two of us which i usually enjoy.
We stuck on Father Ted coz Bryan had never seen it before, i sat and quietly watched it, tried to eat but every time i did, i felt sick. It was the strangest thing ever. It wasn't nerves, it wasnt anxiety, i honestly can't explain it.
Anyway, in the end, i did throw up... in my bin... right in front of Bryan.

Great one, eh?

Why that night of all nights to be sick? I hadn't been sick like that in years, it was fecking weird. But the strange thing was, right after it i felt kinda better.
I'm sure it didn't make a great impression on Bryan but i cleaned everything up, apologized and he said it was cool. He was quite concerned i think but i was cursing my luck.

The reason i think it was so weird is coz i didn't even feel sick until i sat down with the food, and there was absolutely no forewarning that i felt unwell. I actually have a theory about a certain piece of clothing. There's a red top i have which i wore when i went to Wembley, i also wore it on Christmas Day when i came out to my mum and i was wearing it yesterday. I think it signals that something eventful will take place and after last night, i don't think im going to ever wear it again.

Anyway...

I just got some water, chilled out and suggested we watch a film (and also so i could try and regain my head). I stuck on This Is Spinal Tap coz Bryan hadn't seen it either. I got gradually better as the film wore on and he really enjoyed it. Great movie as well.

I didn't quite know what to do after it but Bryan took command and started showing me some music videos etc. This is where my questions about Bryan were pretty much answered. We were watching a 30 Seconds to Mars video (with lead singer, Jared Leto - ooft!) and Bryan turns round to me and says something along the lines of, "Im straight man, but i would turn for Jared Leto"

Any idea/inclination i had that Bryan might at least like guys as well as girls were dashed in the space of a few seconds. Why can't i be Jared Leto? :(

This is when i suggested we crack open some beer i bought so we did and coz i hadn't eaten anything, the beer affected me a lot more than it did Bryan. We only had 3 each but i certainly felt a little light-headed.
The next few hours were a blur consisting of xbox, youtube, facebook, omegle and chatting.

Bryan got rather obsessed with Omegle, basically talking to randomers around the world, and then handed me his iPod to have a go. You might hate me for this and think it disgraceful and under-handed but i couldn't not check his iPod history. I simply had to, it was the confirmation to the answer id wanted to know for so long and the horrible, ugly truth was revealed: There is effectively 0.1% chance that Bryan has any interest in guys. The iPod history was what i imagine any normal teenagers would be - some games, facebook, movies, porn... all of it straight. Absolutely no hint of anything else. I wouldn't suggest that he maybe deleted anything "incriminating" before giving me a shot because he had no qualms handing it over whereas if i were in that situation, id have to spend about 10 minutes deleting loads of shit off mine.

So basically, i now know the truth. I pretty much knew already tbh, but this confirmed it and i wont lie, it hurts.

The hardest part is knowing he isn't even bi, (let along gay) but being unable to stop thinking about him coz i know nothing will ever happen between us. I guess its destined that we are simply friends, and thats all we ever will be. There's nothing i can do to change that fact. I just need to try and force myself to get over it, which will be tough.

The news doesn't come as a surprise to me and it wont stop me being Bryan's friend but i wont be able to think about him in the same light. Despite this, he needs friends over the next couple of months: his grandad has been given 3 months to live and will, unfortunately, die soon so i will do my best to support him in any way i can. I've already done a fair share of having him get upset on msn about it so i will be there for him.

His birthday is also coming up soon and due to (what i expect) his family situation not being great at the moment, im gonna help him out some more. After paying me for the Leeds ticket, he's not got a great amount of money and isn't expecting much for his birthday due to his parents being otherwise occupied so i am going to pay for all his accommodation when we go to Leeds, no matter what it costs. It will hopefully take a bit off his mind.


In the end, im glad that Bryan  did stay over coz its something i promised i would get done, and ultimately, i did enjoy his company, like a friend. I would hardly call it the greatest of evenings tho. I threw up in front of him and i know for sure now that he is as straight as ruler.

Don't quite know where to go from here...

Im just gonna let Freddie sum up how i feel:


Yes, i am aware i probably sound quite pathetic but there you go.


Oh, my next post is my 200th. I think of something or other to do for it. Idk yet.


Rowan <3