School

So I write this on the eve of my last ever term at high school.

It's a strange thought.

Everything I've known and the structure I've been used to for the past 13 years is fast approaching it's end.

May 1st is the final day before study leave I think, meaning my last subject would be PE... great. However, there's talk going round that the final day is May 4th, meaning my last subject would be music. How fitting. I'd prefer that to be honest!

But the last time I'm sat in a class will be for my Italian exam on 25th May and the last time I'll be in school properly is June 14th for graduation by which time I'll be 18. Again, fitting.


I have mixed feelings about leaving which is what's persuaded me to blog about it. It marks a huge step in life, in my opinion. It kind of even marks the end of childhood in a way - at least not youth, I still have a few years of that - leaving school, going off into the big, bad world...

Of course, as a gay person I might be expected to be overjoyed about finally leaving that "rotting stinkhole that's repressed me for the past 6 years" but fortunately, that hasn't really been the case. There have been elements of it, yes. I've never felt comfortable enough to come out in school. If I had then maybe I would be referring to it as a rotting stinkhole. but since I haven't came out in school, I haven't had it very hard (though that's not to say if I did, I would've had a bad time, who knows) I've hung about with good people, mostly, and done my best to avoid the bad.

I'm just thinking what I would actually have missed out on if it wasn't for school.

Without school I would never have have known how to play bass, guitar or drums, I would never have went to Wembley, Reading or Leeds to see Muse, I would never have went on a fantastic football trip to Valencia and I certainly wouldn't have met the friends I have right now. Friends I can definitely say I'm happy with.

However, I had to take it into my own hands to find these friends. As I've said before, the people I used to hang about with, I'm still friendly with but my group now, I knew their attitudes were a lot more similar to mine which is why I joined them in the first place.

Then there's the whole thing with Stephen, who was a good friend of mine for 2 years... Without school, I wouldn't have met him and as I said, I wouldn't have had one of the best weekends of my life. Exactly the same story with Bryan.

At least he's going to the same university as me but a lot of folk going separate ways over the summer so the next 2 and a bit weeks may be the last time I see a lot of people. Others, like Josh, aren't moving away but are going to a different university so I also don't think I'll be seeing them a lot after the summer ends.

But yes, I have a lot to be thankful for at my school but one thing I will miss about it most is the music department. Nearly every teacher in that department is so kind and great fun and if there's one class I'm going to miss, it's music. Music is the only class I've had for the full 6 years of high school (excluding the likes of RE) so it's going to be quite a heavy hit for it to just suddenly stop. Our class is actually, hopefully, going to chip in to buy our teacher a bottle of whiskey! It's my suggestion. I love him and respect him so much. He's been my teacher for 4 of the 6 years I've studied music.


Leaving school isn't just about leaving high school, though. There was always primary school before that. I could sit and get nostalgic about it for hours but I won't. Just a few things I will mention, again, about friends. In fact this is before school, in nursery, where I first met Alex and a girl in my year and they have been the longest standing friends of my life, 14 years, so it will be strange not seeing them often, even if they both do just live round the corner.

They went to the same primary school but so did Louis, and luckily enough he IS going to the same university as me, and actually will be getting the same bus there as me. That's one thing I can be happy about, and I hope our friendship will continue. It may certainly end up being one of my oldest.


I said earlier in the post I've never been comfortable enough to come out at school. For 6 years I've wondered what it would be like, though and I've come to the realisation that I might just experience that in the next few weeks. After telling that roomful of people I'm gay at Nicholas' party, I doubt the news stayed there so I guess there will be a fair amount of people who do know.

I can honestly say I don't care. Two weeks is nothing. Living the dream :P


To make this relevant now, to the blog itself, which has almost been like a diary of my past 2/3 years at school and who knows how my education might have gone without it, and the people to help me when I couldn't speak to my own parents, my own family, my own friends.

This blog has accompanied me for the past 2+ years at school, and I'd say it has at least given me easier path to walk down.

There are many thoughts I have currently about leaving school, some more melancholy than happy in fact.
I'll be happy to leave the routine system but I will miss it as well because I'm used to it, I'll miss some teachers, I'll miss a lot of friends and just chatting with them in between classes, I'll miss sitting down to have lunch at our table, I'll miss music. I'll miss a lot. A lot of small things as well.

I know I'm going to get quite emotional on the final day. I can predict it now. As I sit here typing, I'm feeling it a bit and I can just tell. I'm about to take a huge step I don't know if I want it to yet. The thought of university and the whole world is genuinely quite a frightening prospect right now but it's probably just because I'm so used to this current system.

I'd actually go as far to say that as much as school bores me, I feel comfortable with it. It's the age old situation really. I'm just afraid of the unknown. Those in the lower years know what's ahead of them for the next few years but I don't.

I sound like a stuck record but it's like a goodbye to the past 13 years. That's huge.

While these final few weeks might be packed full of revision, tests and course work, I'm going to make the best of the things I know I'm going to miss right up until the second that school bell rings out for the very last time.


Rowan <3


RIP the 96 Liverpool fans who died on this day in 1989 in Hillsborough. You'll Never Walk Alone.

PUUUULLLLLL!

As is becoming the trend, Nicholas' parents were away over the holidays/Spring Break/whatever you want to call it.

And as is also becoming the trend, when that happens, a party also does. And I have to say, this was quite a big night. A lot happened for me, anyway.

I went round the night before with Josh to get things organised coz this party had been talked about for months. We hired a bouncy castle and got it set up the night before, then some other friends showed up with some Jagermeister and we got a little drunk and had some Domino's xD

Good times.

The next day, people started arriving about 3/4pm but we were courteous enough not to start drinking till mostly everyone had arrived. I had a full crate of beer and there was all sorts going around: Vodka, gin, wine, Jager, cider, sours. You name, we had it. Since the party was so big, we needed to get a lot and most had chipped in at least a tenner.

This was a bit different from any other time I've been drunk. I had quite a lot before I felt it. 3/4 Jagers, 3 beers, some apple sours (which are lovely btw) but then it suddenly hit me. Odd.

Apart from the previous night, I had never had Jager before but we started with Jagerbombs - You get a shot of Jager, some energy drink in a glass then on the count of three everyone drops the Jager in the glass and you down it in one.

Have to say, it feels like a right party when that stuff is about. Feels like even more of a party when there are disco lights and deadmau5 is playing while it happens :P

And in the room that occurred, there must have been about 10 people and I... err... came out to them all.

FUCK YOU, ALCOHOL. WHY DO YOU MAKE ME DO THIS.

But nah, as far as I remember everyone was fine about it and Melly went, "Ahh I'm so proud of you"

Soooo, I doubt what I said will remain in that room meaning that I might as well be out to my whole year at school. Whatever though. There are 2 weeks left after the holidays so fuck dem and da police.

But maybe even better than coming out to a roomful of people who were cool about it was when I pulled a guy \o/

We'll call him... Jon?

I pulled (snogged, kissed, whatever) Jon in front of like, half a dozen people. Whoops - again, fuck da police. I seem to remember going in for it. I think I said, "imagine if we pulled" and then he asked if I wanted to and I was just like, "Ok" xD
And I don't remember if that or the following happened first but we also had a really deep chat on a bed somewhere and he told me he's on anti-depressants and has attempted suicide before and I told him I used to have thoughts like that and we started crying and we hugged and it was just really weird and then someone rudely interrupted us.

Then I got all depressed, threw up and passed out, ending my night there.

Totally worth it, though.

But it has made me concerned about Jon. I found his Tumblr and what's on there has made me worry for him. I don't know if many people know about what he told me but I'm going to keep an eye out for him because he is a pretty good friend and I don't want to see any harm come his way, of course.
Btw, he isn't gay, as far as he claims. He's said that he finds some guys attractive but wouldn't go out with one. Fair enough but it's a shame... because I would.
Though that isn't why I'm concerned about him. I can empathise with how he feels and as I said, he's a good friend.


I stayed another night at Nicholas' after the party where more pizza was had and the previous few days of binging, both on drink and food, caught up with me which is why I probably didn't go home. Though I helped clean up and it took a while even with 5 of us but we eventually got it done and I left the next morning.

Since then I've just been sitting around the house, watching Game of Thrones and getting my strength back before tomorrow night where a load of us are going to see Life of Brian on the big screen (lucky us) then remaining in town till 3am where we'll got to KFC, dressed really smartly and order some chicken.
Might be quite a late night since trains and buses stop running at midnight and start again at 6. We may be stranded in town for quite some time and on a Friday night, that could be quite treacherous.

But it'll be an adventure, and hopefully a good night.

There's all the latest I guess. Peace, I'm outies.


Rowan <3