I wonder if i'm destined to be in the closet my whole life to people face to face :/
A situation arose today, and although i wouldnt have actually said im gay i would have at least been able to say im bi, which btw i think would be a better option for me at this time if anything.
Anyhoo, the chance was presented to me so clearly. It was on a golden plate, it shouted to me "HELLO, SAY IT!" but i still didn't...
We had an assembly and the whole year was filling up the seats in the main hall and i was, by matter of chance, positioned between Rob and Kev who in recent weeks i have learned are both bisexual although it seems they swing more to the girl side.
But thats neither here nor there.
Can't remember what we were discussing but Rob and Kev were joking about a guy sitting a few rows in front, saying they'd do him :P
And i was all silent, not saying much, just joining in with the laughter and Rob said, "Ahh, its great being bi" Kev agreed with him, "Yeh, it is"
And i still fucking said nothing!!!!
Gah!
What would it have taken for me to say something like, "Haha, same" !?!?!?!?
As soon as the moment passed i realised it, i literally facepalmed.
Why couldn't i say it? Nothing untoward would have been said, nothing bad would have happened.
It's not like i wasn't quick enough or anything, i could have easily said it but i didn't. I put it down to cowardice. No, really, that was so cowardly. There was nothing to be afraid of but i still said nothing.
*sigh* I'll never get anywhere if i don't seize opportunities like that.
In other news, i got marks for my bass prelim scores back and they are like last years - disappointing - but they always mark the prelims harshly. They did last year and i got full marks on both instruments in the final exam so im not worried. Think i'll be getting my guitar marks back tomorrow.
Also, we've started social dance which im just not having any of. I "forgot" my PE kit today. I've put up with social dance the past four years but no longer! (unless i can dance with a guy of course xD)
Anyhoo, thats about it for now. dunno when i'll post next coz, of course, im off to London on Thursday...
Cheerio from Abigco Ward...
Rowan <3
juiceboys *2524
1 week ago
A couple of thoughts.
ReplyDeleteIf you had come out to Rob and Kev, would they have kept it to themselves? If they let it slip to others and word started to get around, would that have been okay? Perhaps it is better to come out under circumstances of your own choosing, with some planning, rather than as some spur of the moment thing.
You say in your profile that you're gay. Are you really ready to come out when you think you need to say you're bi?
It may be that you didn't miss a golden opportunity, but avoided making a big mistake.
You don't have to be out. Your orientation isn't something other people have a right to know. You are entitled to be out when you think it will make things better for you, and that time may not be yet (if it ever comes). Don't rush into things. When you're ready, you won't hesitate the way you did today.
You are being too hard on yourself. It would have been pretty awkward for you to have said something in that particular situation. When the right time presents itself you won't be afraid to say what in your heart. Maybe when you are alone with one of your bi friends, you wouldn't be so nervous about asking questions or sharing how you feel.
ReplyDeleteHaha, good luck on thursday, its suposed to snow heavier than last time ...
ReplyDeleteAs for coming out, i usually think that the first few times should not be so rash. Personally, it took me a long time to come out to someone i personally knew. It is always best to come out to someone you know is ok with gay/bi people (even better if they are) but you have to prepaire a lot with it. Try to condition conversations to go the way you want to, and then just tell them.
They can keep it a secret if you want, and trust me when i say this, once you've done it a few times, you get over it. I mean, it just kind of slipps out like "oh yeah, you didnt know?!". It gets easier.
Once you make those first planned stepps, the rest follow quick in suit. And you can always talk to other people. Face to face, or via blogger.
Good luck, and calm yourself down x Jack xx
@Naturesetz
ReplyDeleteI think it would certainly be a step in the right direction if i were to come out as bi. I call it a "safeguard" :P - If it were to spread, if they wouldnt have kept it to themselves it isn't neccesarily the end of the world coz if they can be openly bi to anyone and everyone, then why should it be any different for me?
Which is why id certainly never say gay, coz if that got out well then there could be problems...
@Adon
I don't think it was an awkward situation at all, as i said, the mood was good and we were joking about stuff. I seriously don't think they would have cared either way, they're bi, it would be strange if they had a problem with me saying i was as well.
End of the day, im really just dipping my toe in the water at the moment i suppose. I look at those two and if they can say they're bi and nothing bad happen then it really shouldn't be any different for me.
Perhaps it was a missed opportunity, perhaps its better i never said anything but being out as bi is as far as i'll ever get in this school :P
@Jack
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, in my current situation, i don't believe it would be a big a problem as say, last year. The people i hung about with last year... it wouldnt have ended well but the people i socialise with now... their views and opinions are much more similar to mine and i suppose thats one of the reasons i do hang about with them. I know they really dont care whos gay or not, clearly shown as there are two openly bi people among us and everyone gets on great. I just think i could be braver sometimes, is all. Not daring, but more open.
Rowan,,,,
ReplyDeleteYou are fine. Don't belittle your gayness by saying you are BI. ( that is a major cop-out)
Leave it alone for now.
If you ever need to talk email me.
You'll come out when you feel ready to. It may be spontaneous, it may be planned. Don't go on about 'missed opportunities'. If it's meant to happen, it'll happen and you'll do it. You haven't missed any opportunity. It just wasn't meant to happen today. It's not cowardice. YOU didn't feel ready and that's fine. It's braver to listen to yourself than hear it and carry on anyway.
ReplyDeleteIt's not about jumping at the first chance you get. Yes it may make it easier to come out with (no pun intended) in conversation if it's related to something that you're already talking about, but do you really just want to do it slap bang then and there? Or would you rather think through who you're coming out to, how you're going to do it and what you think their reaction may be?
Don't start looking for ways to get it into conversation because that's how mistakes can be made. Just do it when you feel ready to.
You'll know.
I have to agree with Lauren there... you'll come out when you're ready to, and under your own terms. I'm still not "technically" out. One of my roommates know, one of the guys at work knows, and a number of my on-line friends and friends in my real life know, but the vast majority of people I interact with both on-line and off are still in the dark. It isn't that I'm hiding it, it's just that I don't have any reason to tell them. It isn't that I'm denying what I am, it's just none of their business so I don't admit to anything since it isn't relevant I feel. Just my 2 pence, sir.
ReplyDeleteLove, always!
-David
Hi there, Rowan
ReplyDeletePlease don't be too hard on yourself: I know from experience that living in the closet can be a very hard habit to break (you might find my "coming out" post of interest). Once you've got used to watching every word you say, lest it reveal a truth you don't want the world to know, it can be very hard to reverse the situation and speak that truth openly. To me, it's not cowardly: until a couple of months ago, you had very good reasons to keep quiet. With your new friends, those reasons no longer apply, but I think there is nevertheless a period of mental adjustment necessary, before you feel comfortable enough to tell them what you want to. Your day will come: maybe you will come out on the spur of the moment, with a conversation like today's; maybe you will do it a bit more formally by arranging to meet one or two trusted friends because "there's something I want to tell you".
Meanwhile, best of luck with your journeys over the next few days - the forecast looks quite scary, to be honest - and I hope the funeral goes well.
Take care
Mark
Rowan,
ReplyDeleteSounds like all the good advice has been dished out, but I do want to share a bit: It took me too many years to just say it to someone the first time, and it was well planned and I think, well executed. No fallout, but I expected none. #2 and #3 were also pretty easy, though #3 was a mystery as to response for a few days.
I agree with everyone that has said "go easy, plan it out". Find Rob and/or Kev and start a conversation. Become friends (you may be already). Then say it. Because you'll know by then if the fallout will be acceptable, and you know what, allies and wingmen can be a blessing!
It gets easier, I promise. Just ask people like Jack. I echo Mark, too, take care on your trip. I'll be travelling this weekend, too, with snow in the forecast, so I'll be thinking of all my friends who are on the roads wherever they may be!
Peace <3
Jay
Dude, your not ready... like others have said.
ReplyDeleteWhen will you be ready? When you can except who you are.
Seriously, your still not sure if your bi or gay... you say so yourself.
Don't rush into it...
BTW, you didn't say anything cause you were in shock! You will get comfortable with it... just don;t deny who you are.
Hugs!
Alan
It's OK - you can easily make amends!
ReplyDeleteJust go to see your teacher for your social dance class and say that you're gay and please could you dance with . . . ? You'll obviously need to set it up with either Rob or Kev - unless, of course, there's another boy you fancy more . . .
It seems you could face anyone down because you can so easily have those two as allies.
Mind you - I went to an all-boys school so of course boys danced together: it's just that some of us chose our partners rather carefully!
It worked out OK though coz eventually, at his house, up in his bedroom and then in bed together at a party. Nobody cared at all - not even back then - it's just that there were enough people who knew the score that they sat on anyone who wanted to shout about it.
I remember the guy concerned - liked to air conduct Mahler before such things were considered sane - and he wanted to be Pope: so you can tell, can't you?
G'Day Rowan,
ReplyDeleteThere has been so much good said that I won't repeat it.
One thing I'm sure of: you're no fool. You have been in survival mode all these years, there is no way you could have just come out with it.
Yes, judging from what you say about Kev and Rob, the bi approach seems to work for them, so why not for you?
So instead of being "Stupid Stupid Me", use this to learn from and approach these guys. I'm sure they they would appreciate the company.
All the best. It is really good news.
r.jimlad
If you're stupid then I don't even want to think of what I am. I'm 19 and I've never mentioned that I'm gay to anyone. In fact, this is the first time I've ever typed, written, or said it. Does it bother me? Hell yes. It keeps me up at night. But I have to think about what I want to get out of it, and weigh that against the consequences. And at this point it's unfortunately not worth it.
ReplyDeleteMy family gets publications from an organization that speaks out against anti-bullying campaigns, claiming that they can be used as a front for "sneaky gay activism". Every other day my mom talks to me about "not dressing like a gay" because in her words, I'm obviously not one.
I do jiu jitsu, and I like the fact that my instructor can tell me to "push your pelvis into him" without any second thoughts. I like the fact that my drilling partners can remind me to keep my hips off the ground and against their body. Even though rolling around on the ground with huge, sweaty unattractive men is probably the last thing that would turn me on, that's not what anyone else thinks.
What would I get if I did come out? I'm not in any situation to enter a committed relationship with anyone, so even though that's something I desperately want, I wouldn't be able to do it anyways.
So overall, it might seem selfish to myself, but right now I really can't see it being anything but a suicidal move. I only know one person who would be completely fine with it, but I also know that he'd pressure me into telling everyone else. Add the fact that I'm probably studying abroad in less than a year, and it just seems stupid not to wait and see.
When I really feel like I have to say something, I write and record subtly hinting songs, then send them to close friends. I have no idea if any of them have picked up on it yet, but I guess if anyone would react adversely to the truth then they wouldn't really be looking for it in the first place.
Another thing I've been realizing is that the act of coming out implies heteronormativity. It's an assumption that most people wouldn't think of someone as gay because being straight must somehow be normal. So really, unless we're actively pretending to be straight, we're not lying to ourselves or anyone by not making an announcement.
And wow, that was the first time I've ever put my thoughts on this into words. You can send me an email -I really wouldn't mind, seeing as I'm an unfortunate loner :)
Ian
@Ian
ReplyDeleteMate, i feel for you and your situation, im sure everyone here would agree that it is unacceptable in the 21st century but unfortunately, as seen by what you've said, it still continues :/
I honestly think if you made yourself a little blog you wouldnt feel like such an "unfortunate loner" so id urge you to give it some thought. A lot of people round here can help you man, and if you had a blog you could talk about what you like when you like. Im sure it felt relieving to wirte what you just did there... for the first time.
Id certainly be willing to link to you etx if you made a blog, so give it a little think :)
@Alan
I don't remember saying i wasnt sure if i was gay or bi. I made a post last October on the subject but since then i've made more than a few conclusions - Im as gay as a daffodil, m'dear :P - I wouldn't say so in my profile info if i didn't believe it myself.
Rowan <3
I know you went to Boy Scouts a lot for movies. There new address http://reelboys.baywords.com
ReplyDeleteHey Rowan,
ReplyDeleteI don't think coming out as Bi is a cop out. I would say if you dont know how someone will react, or if your not sure, or heck, even if you ust want an 'easier ride', then go for it. Some people may pressure you to date girls or something, but being bi doesnt make you 50/50.
If you did come out as bi, then usually you would just faze out one side or another. Most (of not all) of my bi friends basically only date one gender, so try it.
And i would still say, coming out to those two would be the easiest and best step. They will be accepting and could be pretty great friends if you were open and honest.
As for the dancing, i would be careful. If you go to your teacher and tell them, most likely they wouldnt care or be affected, but it would be pretty obvious if you start dancing with a guy. you would be coming out to everyone at once, easier in the long run, but more dangerous. So just think carefully ok?
And finally, as for your friends changing and being more accepting. Its what happens. With me, each year i make new friends and they're amazing, but by next year they all move on and i make new ones. But i stay in contact with them all, and so should you. but me and my oldest friends (i think 1 is straight) have come up with a theory where bi/gay people attract each other, which sounds like your friends. Who knows, there may be another boy who is desperately trying to come out?
Jack xx
@Jack xx:
ReplyDeleteGood advice, man, well said.
Jay
@Rowan, I know you've typed the words, more or less, I'm Gay. But... typing and saying it are 2 different things.
ReplyDeleteHave you looked in the mirror and said it? When you did, did you look away or not flinch?
I'm just sayin...
I don't care either way. It's not my business.
@Alan
ReplyDeleteYeh, ive said it to myself before, whether in front of a mirror or not is irrelevant, i dont hate myself for being gay. Im perfectly fine with it tbh.
Also, i think if you read a few posts on you might find out that i actually said those words directly to my own mum...