Loneliness inside my little room.

*Prepare for long rant*


I should be the last person to be complaining about being lonely.

I have a brother AND a sister.

I have people in my house who i can interact and talk with....

but not freely....



Of course a big reason for this feeling of loneliness is due to the fact that i'm not out yet. But there is another thing that contributes to this sense of isolation.


My bedroom.


A teenager's bedroom should be free, spacious, their own.

Mine is not.

It's pretty much all down to the layout of the house, and the size of it.
The house i live in was not built to accommodate 2 adults and 3 children, but our house has been "adapted" to do so.

My parents of course have their own room. My younger sister has her own room. But my brother and i, half-share a room...

That's to say, we took the biggest room in the house, put a thin wall in the middle and called them two separate bedrooms.

It's horrible. I have to walk through my brother's room just to get to mine.
It's shit.

I spend a lot of time in my cupboard.


*Ahem*....Room.

The fact that i can hardly do anything privately annoys the hell out of me.

At anyone one given time somebody could waltz right in, regardless of what i'm doing.

It is just simply too small.
This is a room that my sister would easily fit into.
But no, we can't have a boy on one side and a girl on the other apparently.

It's impossible to study in this room as well.
My brother is constantly on his xbox and it's impossible to do 2-3 hours work a night with the noise.
And this is a big year. I have to be doing a lot of work and i can't.

*sigh*


Anyway, my room makes me feel lonely because it is just completely cut off from the rest of the house.
Mine is the only one that does not connect from the hall.
And when i think about that it sometimes makes me feel like i'm not so connected with the rest of my family.

Strange how people can link things like that together.

But really, this room makes me feel detached from everyone else. I feel like i've just been shoved into the corner of the house and forgotten about sometimes.

Not just at school do i have nobody to talk to freely but it is the same in my own house.

In fact, school is sometimes the better option. At least my friends make me happy. But of course, i can't speak with them completely openly.

There isn't much to be happy about in my house to be honest.
Money is tight.
My room makes me depressed.
People don't get on too well.
My parents both smoke.
Sometimes they drink too much.
They argue.



Ok, some of this is normal but a lot of people say that house is the escape from school. The reverse is more true for me.
However school is obviously still crap but it beats the house most of the time.

A while ago, i mentioned to mum about moving rooms coz i have to study and stuff and we eventually came to the agreement that a change would be made.
I would swap with my parents room (coz all they do is sleep in their room.)
And it would only be until my exams were finished, in June.


That agreement was made in November.


Today's date is January 8th.


But to my mum's credit, things are more organised and she and claims that i could be in there by Sunday. I don't see it but you never know.

This feeling of loneliness is one of a few reasons i came to blogland in the first place.
So i had a place to call my own.
And it does feel like that, i feel happier when i can get all my feelings on a page and i can talk to people openly and without hate or disregard.

I have slowly realised how important blogland is to me. It's the only place in the entire world i can be myself for a few hours a day.
And for that i am grateful.


*End of long rant*


I'm sorry if this post was too depressing to read.


Cheers,
Rowan