Since the start of the year, four blogs i read on a regular basis have disappeared, their owners have shut them down and went with them - Im sure im not the only one to have picked up on this.
Not to mention Mirrorboy left, i think, at the beginning of the year as well (although his blog still remains open)
It's just that this time last year, things were so exciting, fast, busy and happy and now look at it.
I know my posts aren't regular but Blogger, it seems, once a vibrant, fertile community is slowly becoming a dreary, barren wasteland.
I should be the last person to be complaining about being lonely.
I have a brother AND a sister.
I have people in my house who i can interact and talk with....
but not freely....
Of course a big reason for this feeling of loneliness is due to the fact that i'm not out yet. But there is another thing that contributes to this sense of isolation.
My bedroom.
A teenager's bedroom should be free, spacious, their own.
Mine is not.
It's pretty much all down to the layout of the house, and the size of it.
The house i live in was not built to accommodate 2 adults and 3 children, but our house has been "adapted" to do so.
My parents of course have their own room. My younger sister has her own room. But my brother and i, half-share a room...
That's to say, we took the biggest room in the house, put a thin wall in the middle and called them two separate bedrooms.
It's horrible. I have to walk through my brother's room just to get to mine.
It's shit.
I spend a lot of time in my cupboard.
*Ahem*....Room.
The fact that i can hardly do anything privately annoys the hell out of me.
At anyone one given time somebody could waltz right in, regardless of what i'm doing.
It is just simply too small.
This is a room that my sister would easily fit into.
But no, we can't have a boy on one side and a girl on the other apparently.
It's impossible to study in this room as well.
My brother is constantly on his xbox and it's impossible to do 2-3 hours work a night with the noise.
And this is a big year. I have to be doing a lot of work and i can't.
*sigh*
Anyway, my room makes me feel lonely because it is just completely cut off from the rest of the house.
Mine is the only one that does not connect from the hall.
And when i think about that it sometimes makes me feel like i'm not so connected with the rest of my family.
Strange how people can link things like that together.
But really, this room makes me feel detached from everyone else. I feel like i've just been shoved into the corner of the house and forgotten about sometimes.
Not just at school do i have nobody to talk to freely but it is the same in my own house.
In fact, school is sometimes the better option. At least my friends make me happy. But of course, i can't speak with them completely openly.
There isn't much to be happy about in my house to be honest.
Money is tight.
My room makes me depressed.
People don't get on too well.
My parents both smoke.
Sometimes they drink too much.
They argue.
Ok, some of this is normal but a lot of people say that house is the escape from school. The reverse is more true for me.
However school is obviously still crap but it beats the house most of the time.
A while ago, i mentioned to mum about moving rooms coz i have to study and stuff and we eventually came to the agreement that a change would be made.
I would swap with my parents room (coz all they do is sleep in their room.)
And it would only be until my exams were finished, in June.
That agreement was made in November.
Today's date is January 8th.
But to my mum's credit, things are more organised and she and claims that i could be in there by Sunday. I don't see it but you never know.
This feeling of loneliness is one of a few reasons i came to blogland in the first place.
So i had a place to call my own.
And it does feel like that, i feel happier when i can get all my feelings on a page and i can talk to people openly and without hate or disregard.
I have slowly realised how important blogland is to me. It's the only place in the entire world i can be myself for a few hours a day.
And for that i am grateful.
*End of long rant*
I'm sorry if this post was too depressing to read.
2009 is done and dusted and i have to say it was probably one of the best years i've had so far.
Of course, every year has it ups and downs and it's difficult to say at the end, "Oh that was a really good/crap year"
So i suppose mine was a bit of both.
Over the past 12 months i've done many eventful things - Seen 3 different bands in concert (The Killers, Muse, Kasabian) went on a school trip to Valencia in April, went to see a Liverpool FC match a Anfield (which i had been dreaming of for many years) and lots of other little things add to that list.
Also, i entered Blogland! Hurrah!
Not many eventful bad things have happened, but there have been things that have happened.
This time last year and for the next couple of months, i wasn't doing all that well. I found myself confused, angry and depressed.
This was the pretty much the end of me coming to terms with the fact that i wasn't "normal"...
I wasn't straight.
About a year ago, this blogging community would have helped me a lot but i was still in self-denial at this point. I had been for the past year or so prevous to that.
I tried many times and many things to convince myself i was straight, many strange and awful things that now, perhaps, i do regret.
But that part of me is gone.
2009 was the start of something new, realising and coming to terms with who i really was.
It was only in about March/April did i fully let it all go.
But for the couple of years before 2009 ('06,'07,'08) i can see how much of a different person i was.
I was, tbh, a stupid, arrogant brat.
I now like to think i am no longer that, and in the past year i have matured more and have become a different and better person.
After March/April i was still scared tho.
I didn't know who to talk to, i didn't know where to turn.
I was lost.
And this continued throughout the summer, the only escape for me seemed to be the comment thread on "A Rent-Boy Named..." where everybody was (and still are) so kind and open-minded.
I started getting and replying emails from a fellow reader who i had become friendly with and found that it really helped.
I finally had someone to talk to.
And then one day in about August/Septmeber, i came across Blogger.
I don't fully remember how, it may have been through the RB site, i don't remember.
But the first blog i started reading was The Everyday Life and Thoughts of a Fabulous Teen.
I found how i could really relate to that.
So i wondered if maybe i could do it.
Eventually i did, in about late September, i started this blog.
It's wonderful.
It's where i can be myself and talk to other understanding and open-minded people.
It's really the only place i know of that i can be myself right now.
So really, although he hasn't directly helped me, i would like the thank the author of that first blog, James. Coz his blog encouraged me to start blogging.
And thanks to Blogland and my followers for welcoming me in, you've all made me feel really accepted and for that, i thank you.
2010 though, being the start of a new decade made me realise how much bigger and crazier things are going to get...and the end of this decade i will be 25!
That is weird.
But before i get there, i know how important and how defining this decade will possibly be.
This decade, i will be sitting important exams (as well as this year, in fact.) I will be getting a job, possibly a career. Friends will more than likely come and go. And perhaps most importantly, it will be the decade in which i finally take the step out of this small and dark closet and come out myself to my friends and family.
I certainly do not want to keep prolonging it, no matter what the outcome.
Haha, i never planned a review of the year but there it is anyway =P
So here's to 2010 - the start of a new decade, and a new beginning.
I listened to this on the stroke of midnight, the start of 2010. It really took my breath away and made me realise how important these next few years will be. I would recommend listening to it coz it's such a powerful, emotional and great song.
I'm 19 years old and am a raging homosexual... yes I'm gay :P
This blog is simply where i can throw down thoughts, musings, frustrations... comical genius... (?) But through this blog I also hope to help anyone who is scared, confused, unsure or in need of some place to feel better about themselves :)
