Let me just start off by saying that i've not been outed at school, which is at least one positive i can take.
Still not having a great time however.
The reason for my post last night was a combination of many things; of course, being gay is one of them, and the difficulty that being in high school brings with it. Another is the fact that recently, a good number of my friends are in relationships and a lot of questions have been directed at me asking why im not/who i fancy etc.
This is happening also in light of social dance starting this week (pointless shite) which ive declared my dislike of but the pressure is, do i go ahead with it or deliberately miss it? Neither of these options are of particular advantage.
The constant is that school is busy as feck - I have a music pre-exam tomorrow and a big Spanish test (for example) and work is just really building up, not making things easier.
Anyhoo, the title for this post is basically as it says. Since i last posted, (before yesterday) things have been the equivalent of a rollercoaster: highs, lows etc.
I've listed most of the lows, which have been ongoing but the highs haven't. The highs have been more isolated events and incidents. Like, ive been to 4 gigs in the past two weeks and loved all of them.
This weekend, for example, was one the best of the year, if not of my life. I seen Biffy Clyro two nights in a row, the 1st night i went with Alan alone and we were in seating and the 2nd night i went with Bryan and another friend. We were supposed to be seating but some very generous mates helped us into standing which was awesome. Great gig, too. Biffy played a lot of their old stuff and i spent most of the concert jumping around next to a very hot and sweaty Bryan :P
When Biffy played Many of Horror, i was stood beside him, singing my heart out. Emotional stuff haha
All that after seeing Harry Potter, too, with Bryan. That was excellent, Saturday was an awesome day. Spent over 10 hours just with Bryan :D
But after the concert... oh no :(
We managed to catch the early train home and after a little hug goodbye from Bryan (i count third of the day) i returned home, freezing. Dad was waiting up for me, watching some tv and i sat down too, whipped out my ipod for a little facebook check:
Biffy post
Biffy post
Biffy post
RIP Grandma
Biffy post
Biff.... wait!?
That post was from my cousin, one of the cousins we stayed with during the summer, in London. The grandma he was refering to... Grandma Knitter. The very same grandma who's last words to me were "Have a good life"
I showed my dad immediately and he called our cousins in London.
Grandma Knitter isn't even a blood relative of ours but she was like family. Her name "Knitter" comes from the fact that she used to knit a lot. She even knitted a costume for a soft, toy rabbit that was given to me when i was born and still sits on my bed to this day.
She and her husband (who passed away a few years ago) helped my dad a lot years ago when he ran into difficulties etc. so my dad was really upset about it all and its really gotten everyone in the house down recently. It also means we'll be making our way to London in the coming week probably for a funeral.
And this is an example of "rollercoaster" again. One of the best nights of my life with my friends and no sooner does that finish, a relative dies. Wtf is that all about!?
At least after people on facebook knew i had a relative die, a lot of people were concerned which was very comforting. Got quite a few texts, even one off Bryan (who doesnt text a lot) and it was one of the lovliest texts ive ever received. He just said he was sorry about it all, and if i needed to talk to him i could. Obviously it was worded differently, but maybe it was just the fact that it was Bryan that sent it that made it so nice. It cheered me up a little, at least.
So yeah, that doesn't have much to do with last nights post but it added to my stress, i suppose, and my current "whats the point" attitude. I don't seem to be going anywhere, nothing great is happening, so why bother trying?
Seriously, ive been so lazy in school recently. Ive got a big Spanish test tomorrow and i havent revised once.
And as for the whole gay thing (trololololol) well, that is in reference to Bryan i guess. To some people, it might seem sort of like ive moved on from Alan to Bryan in terms of who im really interested in, but it genuinely feels like its more than that.
I think about Bryan too much, way more than i should, and way more than i ever did about Alan. A picture of Bryan is the background of my ipod for fucks sake! I made sure i took loads of pictures at the weekend for that reason. That probably sounds quite creepy...
But what gets me down about this?
Well, what really are the chances that he feels the same way as i do about him?
Probably about zero i'd say.
Now this problem wouldn't be as big if it were i girl i felt like this for. I'd at least be able to talk to my friends about it, and try and see what they think but as Bryan is obviously not a girl, it stays hidden. Silent. Locked away.
What the fuck is wrong with the world!? Why cant people like who they like without other assholes having something wrong with it?
Do i vent disgust when i see a guy and a girl kissing or holding hands in the corridor? No, coz i dont even hold any disgust for it in the first place.
Another reason i felt so crappy last night was because Bryan deleted his facebook (he hadnt long had it) and i kinda feel like i was at fault for it. Maybe i was, maybe i wasnt, but i think i was overloading how much i talked to him on it :/
He said its coz he just couldnt quite get into the whole "facebook" concept but i still think i pissed him off. Not a good feeling when you know (or even think) that someone you really like is pissed off at you.
*sigh* There's just a lot going on right now, and i dont like it - last night didn't help matters - and my brain doesn't like it. Social dance is round the corner, which will be testing. My "over"like of Bryan is constantly on my mind. Got a funeral to attend soon. School is insane, for many reasons. I wish i was a bear - just hibernate for the next few months, that would be lovely - I could just totally escape from the world.
However, im not a bear, so i cant, but i know there must be serious signs of something wrong when a 16 year old boy searches for videos of Teletubbies on youtube to take his mind away from reality :/
Rowan
P.S Whether you're religious or not, can you keep Grandma Knitter in your thoughts/prayers please? Everyone misses her a lot and she was a great woman, so if could... cheers.
juiceboys *2524
1 week ago
I don't think you should worry about whether you're the reason for Bryan's leaving Facebook.
ReplyDeleteI think when we are making someone we like uncomfortable, they show some signs of annoyance/irritation if they are too nice to tell us directly to back off. So if Bryan didn't like the way you were acting toward him on Facebook, he'd have given some sign of it.
All right kid, I will... luv, tman<3
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you had such a great time at the concerts, Rowan... At least you had that - if you didn't, it would have been a lot worse hearing about your Grandma. I'll definitely keep her in my thoughts for you mate.
ReplyDeleteAs far as Bryan goes, well, what you need is a trusted 3rd party, or a way of establishing intent with out a danger to yourself. If you know anybody at school who you are good enough friends with to actually come out to, you could ask them to talk to Bryan and ask him if he'd be receptive to a guy fancying him, with out revealing who it is. They'd be able to judge by his reaction if he'd be open to the possibility or if the look of horror on his face meant "no fuggin way!". If you lack that trusted 3rd party, you might be able to sneak a note into his locker during class (excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, in a class you don't share with him), and just pop it in while nobody else is in the halls), telling him how you feel, and that you wish you could tell him to his face but there's one problem with that: you're a guy. And of course, don't sign it or provide any clues to who it is... See what his reaction is, if he keeps it to himself, or if he talks about it with his friends (you'll hear about it in gossip if he's not amenable to the idea). Something's better than nothing. It took a 3rd party for me to tell somebody how I felt about them, and low and behold they felt the same way, even if only for a short while.
You're a good man, Rowan, try not to let the little things get you down. High school ends, and the real world isn't anything like it. Sure, it's no consolation now, but it will be some day, I hope.
Take it easy, mate. Love, always!
-David
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteWow, Rowan. I've just really gotten into your blog (OK, so I"m a late bloomer), and there's a lot packed into this post.
ReplyDeleteFirst, so I don't forget, you can be sure I'll you, your family, and Grandma Knitter in my prayers. It's awful to lose someone so close to you. I have a stuffed dog named Teabag (NO idea where that came from) that is on my bed, given to me when I was very tiny by a favorite aunt that passed away a few years back. So Teabag is a nice reminder of her kindness and love.
The whole gay thing. Yeah, it's not easy. I don't know yet if you're out to anyone, but all this old fart can say is "once you've tried it, you'll never look back". And "it gets easier". It might not be possible for you at this point in your life, but I'd encourage you to at least think about it, mostly because the worst that can happen is that you get outed unexpectedly, and it's a lot harder to cope with it that way.
Sounds like Bryan is a good friend. I wouldn't worry about the FB thing too much, I have lots of friends that just won't do it, or have tried it and quit - it's not for everyone.
Anyway, Rowan, chin up, no hibernating (I did that for the last 3 years, it doesn't help, believe me, you just stew in your own thoughts and the results aren't pleasant). My reality was clouded by drink so at least you're using Teletubbies! And unlike me, I suffered alone. You've at least got all of us here in the blogworld, that while perhaps "virtual" in name and picture, we're very real, and we do care.
If you ever wanna chat or email, it's all in my profile...you're not alone out there.
Peace <3
Jay
Hey Rowan.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I'm sorry to hear about your Grandma. Blood or not, she was near to your heart, and it hurts to lose someone.
High school...sucks. It's hell for a lot of kids, tormenting, bullying, just bullshit. But you know what the best part about it is? It ends! And you're almost there. I've seen people say it hear, and I'll say it again. Life isn't like high school. People realize they were complete assholes, and the majority change into decent people. If you can just hold on for a little longer, you'll be fine.
Concerts. Concerts with friends. Concerts with cute friend. Concerts with cute friend you have a crush on. Now that sounds fun. And trust me, I understand the liking someone too much problem. It sucks. But I've learned to control it, and you will too. You need to be patient with Bryan. Maybe he's straight. Maybe he's gay but doesn't like you. Maybe he's gay and does like you. You don't know. But you can't just run up to him and ask him, even if you did come out to him. You'd have to give him time and feel him out (No. Not like that. I said out, not up. You dirty bastard.) You might not get the outcome you want, but at least you'll know. It seems the worrying is the killer. Once you know, good or bad, it's never to the extreme you thought it was.
No new insight on the dance unfortunately. Hope you figure something out.
I feel your pain, and I wish I could do more to help you. I like the bear analogy. Seems to be the story of my life as of late.
Be well.
143
_Kevin
I suppose this will sound trite to you - but I'm wondering what more you want from Bryan? (Just forget the Facebook thing for a moment) but otherwise everything you've said about him in the post he seems to be acting just like a close friend - yes, even a lover - would.
ReplyDeleteIf you want him to sign some sort of contract to put your relationship onto some sort of higher footing then you'll have to ask him how he feels about you. I mean - if he'd fallen in love with you I don't think you'd be in any doubt about the fact! He'd show it!
But he may like and even love you as a friend. So what else do you need to know? It sounds as though you can keep including him in your life and carry on doing things with him coz it seems like he's not going to turn you away.
N is right that Bryan would have let you know if he'd closed his Facebook account because of you. It's a strange and wonderful thing is Facebook - but there's an awful lot of posers and vagabonds on it!
And I think you probably know only too well that the only way you're going to feel any better about being gay is by coming out to one or two or twenty friends, over time. To start that off you need to find a close friend you are NOT trying to have a relationship with! So NOT Bryan. Not yet. But almost anyone else will do - whoever you feel most confident knows you well enough and is open-minded enough they're likely to be supportive.
Now whether you want to do this now or wait until after Tests and Exams and stuff - idk.
Oh and about the social dance thing - presumably there'll be lots of people going who don't have 'partners'. Not everyone does, you know.