Oh, Brother

Recently I've been thinking a lot about coming out to my brother. Well, I've thought about it for months but more so in the past few days.

I'd like to get it out the way before I'm 18. That way, he knows and so do my parents and I think it would do me good peace of mind.


I don't think he'd have any problem with it. I often walk into his room and he's watching clips of The Daily Show or The Colbert Report. I mean how more liberal does it get? :P

And he's not even American of course.

Then there was the other week after Obama came out in support of same-sex marriage (praise the man) that my brother went, "Obama is such a legend"

I've often wondered if he was gay! No, I kid. I actually quite doubt it.

Also, I fear that my parents wouldn't be able to handle two gay kids... idk I'm getting off-topic now.

Back on-topic: I want to tell my brother because obviously, he's my brother and I trust him a lot and he doesn't deserve it to be kept from him.

I think it would be fine and I'd hope so. I've never actually had a bad coming out experience.

Scratch that, I've never had a coming out experience where the other person acted displeased. Coming out to my mum was honestly not something I'd want to go through again but how and ever.


Also, today is a really big day. One I've dubbed "PROMetheus" because my most anticipated film of the year - Prometheus - is released and later today I have my prom.

I'm going to see Prometheus with my brother actually, and perhaps a few other people. Literally leaving after this.

Prom is later. A British prom isn't quite like an American one I think. It's not really "bring a date" unless you really wanted to. It's more just one last big social gathering of the school year group so I'm quite forward to it :)

One last big hurrah.


Anyway, of course I'll post any news with regards to my brother but I have to dash now for Prometheus. Cannot wait.


Rowan <3

School

So I write this on the eve of my last ever term at high school.

It's a strange thought.

Everything I've known and the structure I've been used to for the past 13 years is fast approaching it's end.

May 1st is the final day before study leave I think, meaning my last subject would be PE... great. However, there's talk going round that the final day is May 4th, meaning my last subject would be music. How fitting. I'd prefer that to be honest!

But the last time I'm sat in a class will be for my Italian exam on 25th May and the last time I'll be in school properly is June 14th for graduation by which time I'll be 18. Again, fitting.


I have mixed feelings about leaving which is what's persuaded me to blog about it. It marks a huge step in life, in my opinion. It kind of even marks the end of childhood in a way - at least not youth, I still have a few years of that - leaving school, going off into the big, bad world...

Of course, as a gay person I might be expected to be overjoyed about finally leaving that "rotting stinkhole that's repressed me for the past 6 years" but fortunately, that hasn't really been the case. There have been elements of it, yes. I've never felt comfortable enough to come out in school. If I had then maybe I would be referring to it as a rotting stinkhole. but since I haven't came out in school, I haven't had it very hard (though that's not to say if I did, I would've had a bad time, who knows) I've hung about with good people, mostly, and done my best to avoid the bad.

I'm just thinking what I would actually have missed out on if it wasn't for school.

Without school I would never have have known how to play bass, guitar or drums, I would never have went to Wembley, Reading or Leeds to see Muse, I would never have went on a fantastic football trip to Valencia and I certainly wouldn't have met the friends I have right now. Friends I can definitely say I'm happy with.

However, I had to take it into my own hands to find these friends. As I've said before, the people I used to hang about with, I'm still friendly with but my group now, I knew their attitudes were a lot more similar to mine which is why I joined them in the first place.

Then there's the whole thing with Stephen, who was a good friend of mine for 2 years... Without school, I wouldn't have met him and as I said, I wouldn't have had one of the best weekends of my life. Exactly the same story with Bryan.

At least he's going to the same university as me but a lot of folk going separate ways over the summer so the next 2 and a bit weeks may be the last time I see a lot of people. Others, like Josh, aren't moving away but are going to a different university so I also don't think I'll be seeing them a lot after the summer ends.

But yes, I have a lot to be thankful for at my school but one thing I will miss about it most is the music department. Nearly every teacher in that department is so kind and great fun and if there's one class I'm going to miss, it's music. Music is the only class I've had for the full 6 years of high school (excluding the likes of RE) so it's going to be quite a heavy hit for it to just suddenly stop. Our class is actually, hopefully, going to chip in to buy our teacher a bottle of whiskey! It's my suggestion. I love him and respect him so much. He's been my teacher for 4 of the 6 years I've studied music.


Leaving school isn't just about leaving high school, though. There was always primary school before that. I could sit and get nostalgic about it for hours but I won't. Just a few things I will mention, again, about friends. In fact this is before school, in nursery, where I first met Alex and a girl in my year and they have been the longest standing friends of my life, 14 years, so it will be strange not seeing them often, even if they both do just live round the corner.

They went to the same primary school but so did Louis, and luckily enough he IS going to the same university as me, and actually will be getting the same bus there as me. That's one thing I can be happy about, and I hope our friendship will continue. It may certainly end up being one of my oldest.


I said earlier in the post I've never been comfortable enough to come out at school. For 6 years I've wondered what it would be like, though and I've come to the realisation that I might just experience that in the next few weeks. After telling that roomful of people I'm gay at Nicholas' party, I doubt the news stayed there so I guess there will be a fair amount of people who do know.

I can honestly say I don't care. Two weeks is nothing. Living the dream :P


To make this relevant now, to the blog itself, which has almost been like a diary of my past 2/3 years at school and who knows how my education might have gone without it, and the people to help me when I couldn't speak to my own parents, my own family, my own friends.

This blog has accompanied me for the past 2+ years at school, and I'd say it has at least given me easier path to walk down.

There are many thoughts I have currently about leaving school, some more melancholy than happy in fact.
I'll be happy to leave the routine system but I will miss it as well because I'm used to it, I'll miss some teachers, I'll miss a lot of friends and just chatting with them in between classes, I'll miss sitting down to have lunch at our table, I'll miss music. I'll miss a lot. A lot of small things as well.

I know I'm going to get quite emotional on the final day. I can predict it now. As I sit here typing, I'm feeling it a bit and I can just tell. I'm about to take a huge step I don't know if I want it to yet. The thought of university and the whole world is genuinely quite a frightening prospect right now but it's probably just because I'm so used to this current system.

I'd actually go as far to say that as much as school bores me, I feel comfortable with it. It's the age old situation really. I'm just afraid of the unknown. Those in the lower years know what's ahead of them for the next few years but I don't.

I sound like a stuck record but it's like a goodbye to the past 13 years. That's huge.

While these final few weeks might be packed full of revision, tests and course work, I'm going to make the best of the things I know I'm going to miss right up until the second that school bell rings out for the very last time.


Rowan <3


RIP the 96 Liverpool fans who died on this day in 1989 in Hillsborough. You'll Never Walk Alone.

Part-ay

Last night was Nicholas' party and i'm not going to lie, I wasn't really looking forward to it.

Was mostly that i was still in bed at 2pm, it was raining and i still had to get ready and everything. But after i did all that, i felt nervous about going because I knew Kev was going to be there and I knew that when he was drunk, he would try something.

Such a thing never materialised but the whole thing turned into quite a riot.

Must have been about 20 people there at one point, at least half of them drunk. I was kinda in-between in all honesty, but got drunk later on - a late bloomer. Melly got everyone's requests in so the party didn't really start till she got there but when she did, i just didn't feel in the mood.

Loads of people just tore straight into the vodka but i hate the stuff so i just had a few quiet beers and talked to the sober people. Around this point, i found myself in a room with a few people and Susan was there as well and somehow the conversation turned to me and about how i've never had a girlfriend.
Fucking joy.

Susan was all hinty like, "It's not as if you haven't had offers"

All the while i was playing guitar and pretending i wasn't bothered and someone said, "It just amazes me you haven't been out with anyone"

I somehow passed it off and the conversation disappeared but then Melly came over for a chat, a good old private chat. She seen me struggling through the conversation and asked me if there were any guys i did like. Now by this time, i'd had a few more trips to the fridge so was a bit more drunk. Not as drunk as i have previously been but drunk enough for things to happen and say that i normally wouldn't.

I ended up telling her i've been practically in love with Bryan but that i'm just about giving it up because he clearly doesn't like guys. We then went into the "secret room" as i dubbed it (Nicholas' bedroom as it's where i first came out to Melly and Josh - weird huh?)
And in return she told me that she really fancied some guy at the party. Can't remember the fine details.

But the biggest shock of my night was when she went, "I had a dream about you the other night"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, you threw me up against a wall and started kissing me"

*awkward silence*

"I know you're gay but i was wondering what that would actually be like..."

*even more awkward silence*

Then she approached me... and kissed me... and i kissed her back. Must have been a good 15/20 seconds at least.

Afterwards - "Yeh, lets not tell anyone about that. Not even Josh. It stays in the secret room". We laughed and then went our separate ways.

I cannot explain how I allowed for that to happen. Firstly, she's a good friend so it shouldn't have happened and secondly, i'm fucking gay so it just totally baffles me. I'm not even attracted to her in the slightest! I can only blame the drink.

But the drama doesn't stop there, oh no! -http://inception.davepedu.com/

Even more happened in the secret room. Not long after that... meeting with Melly than was i back in there on my own with Susan. It all came out... but I didn't.

I told her basically, that i'm sorry i don't feel the same way for her as she does for me. I just never said till now because i can't stand disappointing people. She told me she pretty much figured out already but it was good to finally hear it so i was pleased at least. I just sat with my arm around her for a few minutes while she told me about some guy who does fancy her but she doesn't feel the same way.

I'm sitting like, "Now you know how i felt!" haha

I just said some nice reassuring things to her because she felt bad and i think she was better after that so we left the room. Well, i did. Kev burst in on us and i was thinking, "Oh, here we go" but i managed to leave and Kev and Susan had more than a little chat, if you get me.


Christ. Drink does the strangest things. Probably should have been me that stayed in that room while Susan left. It's what i would have expected at the start of the night.

Anyhow, the conclusion to this crazy story is that Melly and I ended up walking the guy who fancies Susan to the end of the road because he was leaving early.
Basically, things came full circle because i ended up chatting with all three of the people concerned in this drama: Melly, Susan, and the guy who fancies Susan.

I'm sorry this probably makes no sense to anyone reading this. It barely makes sense to me but it's helping me figure out exactly what the situation is :P

After he got picked up, Melly asked, "So did our kiss change anything or have i not managed to sway you at all?"

"Nope, sorry. Still gay", I laughed and we went back to the house to find more than 4 people had thrown up. I took this as my hint not to have any more or else i'd end up like them.

People cleared out not long after that but i was staying overnight so i helped a few of the sick people find a bed - i had sobered up mostly by this time.

I ended up in a bed with Josh and neither of us could sleep so there was banter to be had and he somehow found out about Kev and Susan doing stuff so we laughed about that.

That gaming marathon still has us fecked though. We were both still awake at 7am before we drifted off.
There are still things i want to talk to him about though and i don't know if i should tell him about Melly and I. I feel he deserves to know since they're best friends but maybe some things are better left unsaid.
I'll play that one by ear.

Anyway, i know this post has been disjointed. But that's what parties are like for ya!

In summary:
- Melly knows i fancy/fancied Bryan. The first person who does know about that. Oh, i also told her that i came out to him as well and she was happy for me so yay \o/
- Melly and I kissed.
- Finally resolved things with Susan without actually coming out to her... maybe i should've...
- Found out extra stuff about Melly and Susan that will probably crop back up in the near future.
- I didn't throw up like i usually do when i'm drunk xD

All in all, i can't really tell if it was a good night or not but i'll take it as it was.

Ciao for now.

I'm beginning to like that phrase ^^


Rowan <3


P.S There's probably things I've forgotten to put in this post that i'll remember after i publish it but there's already enough going on here so i'll just leave it there :P

Good Friends (2nd Blogaversary Post)

Josh is a legend.

He really is becoming a more important person in my life, i'll admit it.

I don't think i've ever had a closer friend, even when my friendship with Steven was at it's greatest.

I'm glad i can talk to Josh and be open. I recall a post about a year or so ago where i said i longed for someone who i could just talk to like i was able to with Lauren when i came out to her and well, Josh seems to have answered that call :)

So i was round at his house again last night. I took my bass, amp and everything. Played a bit but not an awful lot - his brothers were round. Had a good laugh with them.

They're both older than Josh but quite similar in many respects. The middle brother is quite a nerd, plays lots of video games and all while the eldest brother is a very good guitar player and has a wide knowledge of music in general. Josh kind of bridges the gap between them as he is both a nerd and good musician.

They all have the same kind of humour as well so it's no wonder we got on so well :P


Anyway, that wasn't the point in this post.

The point was that i let out more of my little ickle secrets to Josh. It's weird. Everyone does... tell Josh their secrets. He's like this hub of information on everyone. I don't know why so many people tell him so many things but we just all do.

Not that Josh reveals much, or any, at all... to anyone. He does this annoying thing where he goes, "Oh the stories i could tell you about him/her" and then doesn't say anything. It's infuriating but i love him for it. However, i guess people trust him because he's trustworthy. Makes sense :P

I'm straying again. The things i told Josh last night are actually things i've never even mentioned on this blog.

I never talk about my sexual happenings on here. It's not something i believe i need to, or want to, go into detail on, and this post will also be PG-13 so no explicit stuff. Sorry, perverts!
But because i don't post about that i get the feeling that everyone thinks all is quiet on the western front, which is true at this moment but it hasn't always been and this is what i told Josh last night.


The back story to this comes from earlier in the week during a free period at school where Josh, another friend and I were sitting about chatting. This other guy is quite a whore, he honestly has no standards and has probably done more with guys than i have :P

Anyhow, he started playing the alphabet game with the rule being provide a name beginning with every letter that you have pulled/snogged/kissed etc.

So he goes from about A through to H without stopping and Josh adds the occasional name in of people he's pulled.

I'm meanwhile sitting there a bit depressed :P I have a few to add but not right there so i stayed shtum.

I brought this back up at Josh's house after we went to bed and we just had some bro chat :3

I said, "How depressing was that alphabet game the other day?" to which he just went, "Meh, i did ok"

So i challenged him and asked what the real truth of it was so we effectively played the game again and i knew my plan was working - I wanted to tell Josh. I don't know why. I just thought that since he was a good friend why bother hiding it? (since i knew i could trust him with secrets anyway)

So he goes through his list and after G he says, "Hmm, don't think i've got an H" and i go, "Hold on, you didn't ask about my G"

"Oh?"

"Yeh, i've never told anyone but i trust you with it"

But instead of me telling him he wanted to guess!


Do i know them?
Not really.
Is it someone in our year?
Yes.
Guy or a girl?
... Guy.
Oh, interesting. G, you say?
Yep.

He couldn't think of any guys' names he kinda knew beginning with a G so i just had to tell him.

T'was a guy called Gary, to which Josh knew who it was, sort of and went, "Really, i didn't know he swung that way" and i told him the truth is that i don't know if he is gay either because it was a few years ago and he currently has a girlfriend so he might have just been finding out with me.

"Well at least you're not a VL (Virgin Lips)" he said and laughed and i desperately wanted to tell him that we didn't just kiss but i didn't say. He didn't need to know, and probably didn't want to know every single detail anyway.

My reply to Josh was just, "Yeah, we messed around a bit but it wasn't anything serious" and it wasn't, in fact. I couldn't have seen myself ever going out with Gary. We used to get on the school bus together and on a few occasions i went back to his for a while and... yeah :P

Anyway, he wasn't bothered by it and we continued to play the game. H-N was busier for Josh who was racing through his list, trying, i think to see if there was any more on my part. He was giving up by V and said, "I've not got a W"

"Oh, but i have"

"Oh?"

Again, he wanted to guess.
Do i know them?
Sort of... maybe a bit but i'm not sure.

Is it someone in our year?
No.
Guy or a... wait, what?
Yeah, not our year.
Ok, guy or a girl?
Guy again.
I can only think of one guy beginning with W i kind of know who isn't in our year...
Yes.
It isn't... your friend, William, in the year below us is it?
... Yeh, it is.
Wow, now that's surprising.

The story with William is that both his mum and my mum were quite good friends with each other for many years. I'll cut the long story short by saying that when he was 13, and turned 14, and i was 15 he instigated things - he used to stay around here from time to time - and we messed around some. It stopped after my mum and his mum fell out and the only time i really ever see William now is in school.

Now you might be thinking what Josh was when i told him (again i didn't tell him we experimented like that, just that we kissed a few times) - that that is a little dodgy, considering both our ages but i didn't, and never would have let things go too far.
As i said, it was only experimenting but it was probably a good thing that his mum and mine fell out when they did in that case because a few months later i'd have turned 16 and if this was still happening then *that* would have been dodgy, but i think by that time i'd have stopped it.

I'm just going to put it out there, again, that i wasn't the one who started things. I wouldn't have ever guessed William was gay let alone start anything with him. Also, i don't even know if William is gay but questions must be raised if he continued to be up for messing around. Thinking about it, he probably is (or at least bi) but like with Gary, we never went out. Just experimented.

Josh was still recovering from the surprise that i had kissed someone who was over a year my junior so thank goodness i only told him we kissed a few times!

He then proceeded to label me "the new ped" as Rob went out with a girl two years younger than him and had sex with her (now *that* is dodgy) When we all found out we called him a ped haha
I took comical umbridge to the suggestion of being compared to Rob and said how dare he compare us.

He said he was joking and nobody would ever be more of a ped than Rob :P
Still, if this information got out like it did for Rob then i think a lot more would be made of it...

Fuck, i trusted Josh a great deal telling him that. I'm sure he can keep it to himself though.

I rounded things off by telling him briefly about JJ/Richard but i didn't go into much detail because that could have led to this blog and that just ain't happening.

Josh thinking i'm bi is probably now out of the question. He pretty much knows for sure i'm a raging homosexual :P

Still, what i told him is probably a lot to take in.


As for anyone reading this, please don't be irked that i'm only talking it now. Especially when the things that took place with Gary and William were more or less going on a few months before i started, and when i started this blog, so i could have posted about it.
I chose not to.

My main reason for doing so is for my own privacy. Why should anyone know the details anyway?

Also because i don't want my blog overrun with perverts looking for sex stories and sending creepy comments. There isn't going to be a change of policy - if you want that stuff, go to Nifty or something.

I've seen it on the blogs. People my age (or maybe pretending to be) making smutty posts and getting loads of sad, old pervert followers. I don't want that. I like what i'm grateful enough to have now: people who enjoy my posts for what they are and are willing to go out their way and write helpful and meaningful comments if i ever happen to be in a position of difficulty, and the rest of course.
I don't want to jeopardise that and i'm never going to so i can only end my 2nd blogaversary post by dedicating it to everyone who comes here!

I honestly only remembered the anniversary two minutes ago! I thought i'd finished the post when i looked at the date in the corner of my screen and went, "17th September... that means something... oh yeah!" and then changed the posts' title :P

Really, i know it's been said before but it hasn't become any less true: Thanks for reading and thanks for all your comments, everything is appreciated. I can only now apologise that i didn't prepare anything bigger as a little celebration but i'm not very good at that kind of thing anyway. Just take heart in the knowledge that i've spent about 2 hours tailoring this post and making sure it reads well! xD

Thanks everyone.


Rowan <3

Denial

I think my dad is in denial about me being gay.

I mean, i guess i can make sense of it. It can't be easy for a parent to understand, especially when they grew up with a completely opposite mindset, but i just wish it wasn't that way.

This belief i have stems from a few things i notice from time to time but particularly one event recently. I was watching tv, there was nothing on apart from Blondie performing at some festival. I was barely watching but afterwards, i went downstairs and my dad goes, "That you listening to Blondie?"

"Was the only thing to watch..."

"Tell you what, I'd still be up for her"

"Okay, Dad"

He didn't leave it there though. Even as a gay guy, i can tell that Blondie is hardly attractive. She's basically a walking hunk of plastic. Sorry, it's true so i found it quite funny when my dad said that in all honesty but as i said, he kept going.

"What, you saying you wouldn't?"

"No, i wouldn't" I said, slightly confused at this point for obvious reasons.

"Well, i definitely would", he continued, "When i was your age... phwoah!"

Well, perhaps she looked better 30 years ago, i don't really know or care.

"Thought you might have been checking her out for a minute"

The sheer thought revolted me but then just confused me even further. I didn't say it but i was thinking, "You know i'm gay, WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS?"

I struggle to find any other explanation than the one i provided at the top of this post. That, combined with being in the car with my dad and he'll occasionally go, "Oh, that one's a looker, eh?" as i suppose straight guys do but when i'm in the car with him... why?

Also, i get on with some of my dad's friends. One of whom's son i used to be quite good friends with myself a few years ago and we've seen each other more regularly as of late but more on that another time, i'm straying from the story (and no, it's nothing sexual)

I get on with some of my dad's friends. They're quite young at heart and easy-going. Up for a laugh kind of guys. Yet even when i'm in the room my dad, and his friends, will still come out with the gay jokes or whatever. Okay, not exactly gay jokes in the sense but there's the kind of atmosphere there and things are said which hints that being gay is something negative and should be discouraged.

Again, i suppose it's a generation thing and them being his friends for the best part of thirty years means that their attitudes aren't going to suddenly change. It's different when they're not around of course, that same atmosphere doesn't exist and i do enjoy the company of some of my dad's friends but if he really cared, and i mean PROPERLY cared, my dad could go out of his way and put a stop to it. He doesn't but it just adds fuel to my argument that my dad hasn't properly come to terms with the fact that i'm gay yet.

That "Blondie" incident recently provoked this post but there are other examples of his attitude. I don't suppose there's much i can do about it and perhaps i shouldn't complain because i am quite fucking lucky that i'm not hated by my parents or anything considering how they grew up. I know they love me and care for me and blah-de-bloody-blah but it's just something that really grinds at me and brings me down.

Maybe i just have to wait for my dad to change (maybe my mum, too, if i'm honest although that's not as big an issue.) Then again, my dad might not change but i know for certain that i'm definitely not going to so it is him that has to come to terms with it now, not me.


Just thought I'd throw that observation out there. Hello everyone.


Rowan <3

Help?

This isn't the next post i had in mind but my need for help has only developed over the past few hours. It is an issue i'm sure many, or at least some, gay guys experience... having girls fancy them.

Im quite flattered that not one, but two different girls are seemingly interested in me. Lets me know i'm not completely hideous!

The thing is, both are rather close friends which just ups the awkwardness to unbearable levels.

First, there is Susan who i usually walk to the train with after school and see her at break/lunchtime etc.
Then there is Rose. The previous time i mentioned her was when i was talking about her being a lesbian. Well, it appears not now. I also see her at breaks and lunchtime.

It all came about on Facebook (as it usually does) Rose was asking if i wanted to go to the cinema tomorrow to which i tried to say no in the nicest way i could. I hate rejecting people but there's already a big meet planned tomorrow at someone's house so i wasn't changing my plans. She couldn't seem to accept it and got upset so i started to feel bad.

Susan, in her wisdom, managed to sense this and talked to me through private messages. She pretty much revealed that Rose is interested in me, even if i've had the feeling that she does for over a month a now, she confirmed it. She said, "Rose is trying to make it into some sort of competition". To which i replied, "With who?"
Only for Susan to say, "Me"

As with Rose, i had a slight feeling that Susan was interested in me, too, but now i know. The cat is out of the bag. But when she said it i had that old Bruce Willis moment. The one where he's in a really crap situation but starts to laugh anyway, in despair.

I basically replied saying that i am flattered but need time to think and still want to remain friends no mater what. Which is, in fact, the truth.

But the awkward situation remains... I'm still gay. Oh, Josh knows that both Rose and Susan fancy me as well so how will it look to people that know if i turn down the advances of two girls?

It basically screams, "LOOK AT ME, I'M A HOMO!!!" With rainbows decorating the words and fairies dancing around in their thousands.

As i said, there's a big meet tomorrow at a friends' house. Susan will be there, not sure about Rose but avoiding the situation won't do any good. It'll be awkward but i will need to tell BOTH that i don't feel the same way. I could barely turn down going to the cinema, so i don't know how i'm going to justify rejecting going out with them. (I hate that word - reject. *shivers* It's so cruel)

Susan already suspects i'm gay, not gonna lie about it, All of us were at the park the other day. It was lovely, the sun was out and spirits were high. Anyway, twice, Susan asked me twice, "Are you gay?" in front of at least 7 other people. I hate when she does that, it's so annoying. She's asked me before just between us and i've managed to deflect it which only raises suspicions and i did so again at the park which only raises the suspicions of EVERYONE.

Fuck, i'm not ready to be out to EVERYONE.

Really.

And that's where the situation is so awful. When (not if) i reject Susan, she will automatically assume i'm gay. Josh probably will. Susan's close friends - probably the same. Rose, probably as well. With that many people with that knowledge in a high school environment it is going to spread like *wildfire*

Dayum. It's closing in. I'm just thinking. I'm probably not going to be able to live as "straight me" for much longer. "Bisexual me" seems like a long way off as well. "Gay me" is popping his head way out of the closet and screaming, "IT'S TIME"

It could, and i think is quite likely to happen tomorrow. There's supposed to be alcohol involved so perhaps i could just get so completely drunk that i don't give a flying shit. Either way, i think it could. I'm not going to avoid it. I'll brave it, for some reason. Why put it off?


A penny for you guys' thoughts? Please, i need something, anything :/


Rowan <3

Bryan's Stayover

I call them "stayovers" coz "sleepovers" imply sleep :P

Anyhoo, yes. I finally had Bryan stay over last night, id have posted about it earlier in the week but he wasn't sure whether he'd be able to come over or not, but in the end he did.

I'll say now before i talk in any more detail, nothing sexual took place... unfortunately.

However it was fairly, umm, eventful.


It started off so well, i met up with him after a music listening easter school i went to (just basically an extra help class) and we took the train back to my place.

Mum and dad had never met him before but they all seemed to get on fairly well together. Good stuff coz Bryan is the first person i've had stay over since i came out to my mum so i think she was rather suspectful of us...
The whole night really took place in my room where we played Rock Band 3 for a bit which was great fun. I'd never played it before so it was something new as well.

Dinner was where things went rather Pete Tong.
I don't know how or why this happened but i simply couldn't eat, i had no appetite, and that was after ordering a kebab for the two of us which i usually enjoy.
We stuck on Father Ted coz Bryan had never seen it before, i sat and quietly watched it, tried to eat but every time i did, i felt sick. It was the strangest thing ever. It wasn't nerves, it wasnt anxiety, i honestly can't explain it.
Anyway, in the end, i did throw up... in my bin... right in front of Bryan.

Great one, eh?

Why that night of all nights to be sick? I hadn't been sick like that in years, it was fecking weird. But the strange thing was, right after it i felt kinda better.
I'm sure it didn't make a great impression on Bryan but i cleaned everything up, apologized and he said it was cool. He was quite concerned i think but i was cursing my luck.

The reason i think it was so weird is coz i didn't even feel sick until i sat down with the food, and there was absolutely no forewarning that i felt unwell. I actually have a theory about a certain piece of clothing. There's a red top i have which i wore when i went to Wembley, i also wore it on Christmas Day when i came out to my mum and i was wearing it yesterday. I think it signals that something eventful will take place and after last night, i don't think im going to ever wear it again.

Anyway...

I just got some water, chilled out and suggested we watch a film (and also so i could try and regain my head). I stuck on This Is Spinal Tap coz Bryan hadn't seen it either. I got gradually better as the film wore on and he really enjoyed it. Great movie as well.

I didn't quite know what to do after it but Bryan took command and started showing me some music videos etc. This is where my questions about Bryan were pretty much answered. We were watching a 30 Seconds to Mars video (with lead singer, Jared Leto - ooft!) and Bryan turns round to me and says something along the lines of, "Im straight man, but i would turn for Jared Leto"

Any idea/inclination i had that Bryan might at least like guys as well as girls were dashed in the space of a few seconds. Why can't i be Jared Leto? :(

This is when i suggested we crack open some beer i bought so we did and coz i hadn't eaten anything, the beer affected me a lot more than it did Bryan. We only had 3 each but i certainly felt a little light-headed.
The next few hours were a blur consisting of xbox, youtube, facebook, omegle and chatting.

Bryan got rather obsessed with Omegle, basically talking to randomers around the world, and then handed me his iPod to have a go. You might hate me for this and think it disgraceful and under-handed but i couldn't not check his iPod history. I simply had to, it was the confirmation to the answer id wanted to know for so long and the horrible, ugly truth was revealed: There is effectively 0.1% chance that Bryan has any interest in guys. The iPod history was what i imagine any normal teenagers would be - some games, facebook, movies, porn... all of it straight. Absolutely no hint of anything else. I wouldn't suggest that he maybe deleted anything "incriminating" before giving me a shot because he had no qualms handing it over whereas if i were in that situation, id have to spend about 10 minutes deleting loads of shit off mine.

So basically, i now know the truth. I pretty much knew already tbh, but this confirmed it and i wont lie, it hurts.

The hardest part is knowing he isn't even bi, (let along gay) but being unable to stop thinking about him coz i know nothing will ever happen between us. I guess its destined that we are simply friends, and thats all we ever will be. There's nothing i can do to change that fact. I just need to try and force myself to get over it, which will be tough.

The news doesn't come as a surprise to me and it wont stop me being Bryan's friend but i wont be able to think about him in the same light. Despite this, he needs friends over the next couple of months: his grandad has been given 3 months to live and will, unfortunately, die soon so i will do my best to support him in any way i can. I've already done a fair share of having him get upset on msn about it so i will be there for him.

His birthday is also coming up soon and due to (what i expect) his family situation not being great at the moment, im gonna help him out some more. After paying me for the Leeds ticket, he's not got a great amount of money and isn't expecting much for his birthday due to his parents being otherwise occupied so i am going to pay for all his accommodation when we go to Leeds, no matter what it costs. It will hopefully take a bit off his mind.


In the end, im glad that Bryan  did stay over coz its something i promised i would get done, and ultimately, i did enjoy his company, like a friend. I would hardly call it the greatest of evenings tho. I threw up in front of him and i know for sure now that he is as straight as ruler.

Don't quite know where to go from here...

Im just gonna let Freddie sum up how i feel:


Yes, i am aware i probably sound quite pathetic but there you go.


Oh, my next post is my 200th. I think of something or other to do for it. Idk yet.


Rowan <3

One Year Ago Today...

It has now been a year since i came out to Lauren and wow, it's flown by.

(http://dailyodoings.blogspot.com/2010/01/i-came-out.html - The original post)
(http://dailyodoings.blogspot.com/2010/02/ls-response.html - The conversation on msn between me and Lauren)


It stays fresh in my mind and i expect it will until the day i die. I even remember the exact day and time. T'was a Sunday, and i typed the words on msn at 3:55pm.
Anyone find that sad?

Well, maybe not coz it was a big fecking step for me so i guess it's only right that i remember a lot about it. That step, i think, gave me courage. Since, i've been more confident about it, most particularly in school. Im not out of course but its certainly no secret that i have no problem with gays and even a few friends probably suspect i am as well. These friends being the new friends that i took the decision to socialise with because their views and opinions matched mine a lot better than my old group's ever did.
Oh, and my mum knows too, of course :P

But none of it would have happened if i never told Lauren last year, and would also never have happened if she wasn't so awesome about it :D
Thank you so much Lauren, you're brilliant and im honestly so happy and proud (and lucky) you're my cousin, but im sure you already knew that ;)

I think for some people, certain dates on the calendar stick out and i think January 31st will be one of them for me. It was my first step out of the closet, and hopefully the first of many happy steps. The 2nd went well enough about a month ago but the time between them was awfully long. 11 months.

It'll be interesting to see how long the next one will be, not that im gonna set out to try and better the record or anything haha


Rowan <3

Only In Dreams

About 3 or 4 years ago there was a period where i had bad dreams quite regularly. I used to have like 3 or 4 a week but they eventually disappeared. Since then, yeh ive had bad dreams from time to time but none like the one i had last night.

It wasnt like a horror show with lots of people getting killed or anything but it was just really bad, for me anyway.

It was quite a short dream, as most are, but it was certainly enought to upset me.

Basically, i was in a shop, i think it was a card shop but i dont know for sure. This dream also happened to take place in the future, maybe about 10 years from now. Id say in my dream i was in my late 20's.
So anyway, i was picking out cards for something and then Bryan randomly walks up to me, also in his late 20's, however still looking as he does right now.
From the chat, it was apparant we hadn't seen each other since we left school. We just chatted a bit and i said something like, "Nice seeing you again, i gotta get these cards" and at that point a guy walks up to Bryan, takes his hand, kisses him and says, "Oh there you are, honey"
Bryan looks at me and says, "Oh, this is my partner, we're engaged" (perhaps gay marriage had been legalised by this time, idk) I just smiled weakly and said, "cool" and with that, they both walked out of the shop, hand in hand.

I then proceeded to break down in the middle of the shop, crying my eyes out and then someone else in the shop kicked me in the face. This was when the real me woke up... also crying.

I hate how dreams can fuck with your head like that, especially really early in the morning. I must have woke up about 4am and thanks to that, i wasn't getting back to sleep. So the state i was in pushed my mind further and made me think, what if it was a premonition? What if i do find out Bryan is gay in the future after never knowing the whole way through high school? What if i missed my opportunity? and so on and so forth...

I was in quite a state.


But Friday is my good day, or usually is. My subjects get progressively better throughout the day and effectively, the day ends at noon coz its only double music after lunch. I also always go out to lunch with Bryan every Friday and play guitar with him in double music, so on Friday afternoons he is effectively mine! :P
But it just didn't feel the same after that dream today.

I wish life was like Fable (xbox 360 game), basically you can highlight anybody walking around in the streets, find their personality traits, what they like, dislike, and their sexual orientation. Some might say that isnt a good thing, but in the Fable world, sexual orientation isn't an issue (and gay marriage is legal :P)
I just think that would make things a whole lot easier if you could find that out about someone just by looking at them or something. Would make things a lot less confusing, and id also know if there was any point in pursuing Bryan at all, but i dont.
I've said before, i dont think he's gay but he's possibly bi and even that might just be me getting my hopes up. Trust me, ive done a lot of thinking over the subject but the thing i cant stop thinking about is Bryan himself.

It also sucks that there are only a handful of these awesome Friday afternoons left. From what ive seen, it will be very unlikely that Bryan is in any of my classes at all next year, we dont seem to be picking the same subjects, so i might not see him a lot for much longer. And after next year, the big, bad world imposes itself where i certainly wont be seeing much of him at all.

Time is running out and the exams are getting closer and after that... less Bryan. I like being with him but i hate how much i think about him, it leads me to having bad dreams like the one i had. Perhaps i should welcome the coming changes?
I don't know, im confuzzled at the moment. I really am.


Rowan <3

Change...and Stuff

I wanted to maybe keep this for my 200th post (this is 187) but i thought why should i wait?

You see, i don't really consider my blog to be "daily" anymore. It probably hasn't ever been, i would say. And this current name has also been floating around since the first day i created my blog.
I even made a second blog using this name but decided against it, so ive changed this blog from "Daily Doings" to "Rowan's Room"

It's still the same blog, still the same everything, essentially. Im not changing the background, nor the URL (simply coz everyone on their blogs would also have to change it, so why the hassle?) or anything.
The only thing i have changed is that my email address is back in the sidebar :)

So there's some change for ya. Hope it doesn't come as too much of a shock ;)


Anyhoo, as for current events. Mum returned on Sunday evening but really wasn't up for long enough before going to bed. Btw, don't picture that as she just came right in and went straight to bed, it just wasn't the right time to talk to her.
I did this morning, briefly.
I asked how London was and she replied "good"
I probably sounded over suspicious asking, "Get up too much?" but she just replied "no."
But then i pushed it further, "Why did you really go down?" and she goes, "to see someone"
"I seen your dad wasn't working so i decided to have a few days off, like a little holiday, if even that"

Yeh, as you do. "Someone". Well, "someone"... doesn't sound great to me. Surely, the trip was more important than just going down to see "someone" Call me paranoid but that just doesn't sound good to me, can't even name the person she went down to see.
"It's nothing sinister" she tried to assure but whatever. I don't want to know any more.


Today, in general, was an average day. I was kinda nervous going into english to see Bryan with his new haircut coz i'd been thinking that i maybe i was only interested in him coz he had awesome hair (how shallow would that have been?) but that was disproved, he still looks hot as ever to me :)
And his hair isn't even awfully short. Plus, he's got a little ear stud xD
I noticed it coz i sit behind him in english and i was thinking to myself, "Is that... holy crap it's an ear stud!"
I asked him about it and he said he had it since he was like 4 (which rings a bell actually, i think he'd told me that once before) but he hasn't been wearing it recently.
Its so cute tho, i love it haha, i told him it looked cool, and so does his hair... :$

I also got a very good school report and im on track to achieve 5 A's in my exams this year. Yeah... pressure much?
I think i can A french and spanish for definite, probably music. Media... depends on the day i think but english im not so sure about. It's certainly the subject i have to work hardest at. Perhaps its coz i just stare at Bryan all lesson and dont concentrate on my work, like last year in English with Alan lol (what am i like?)
So, yeh, the heat's been turned up at school.

Also, and i know you'll tell me to shut up after you read this, but i had another chance to at least say i was bi today. I always walk to the train station with Kev and a girl called Susan. It's great fun, Kev, as you know, is bi, and Susan really doesnt care who's gay and who isn't.
Anyway, Kev wasnt there today but Rob was, funnily enough, and we got to the train station, just started talking about randoms and Rob always does this thing where he pretends to kiss me and Susan went, "Maybe you should check if he's gay first?" and looks at me inquisitively.
I said nothing tho, again. But im annoyed coz i know it wouldnt be a big deal, to just say something like "You're half right" and there you go. (I still wouldnt chance being openly gay)
Half of me wanted to say it but the other half kept it in. Maybe another day? :P

I said this was an average day but i suppose, in reflection, it was quite eventful. Whaddya know!?

Hope you like the changes, everyone!


Rowan <3



This is quite a poppy song and not something i would have thought id listen to, but as someone in the comments section of this vid says, "if franz ferdinand and the whitestripes/raconeteurs had a child this would be it"
So true, great song. Give it a go!

Coming Out at Christmas - The Story

I've had some time to think between yesterday and today but it hasn't really sunk in yet any. It's going to be weird for a while i think. For me, coz i've lived for the best part of 3/4 years of being the only person in the house who knows i aint straight but also for my mum, coz obviously its a lot for her to take in as well, i understand and respect that.

But here's how it all happened -  (Im gay mum, Merry Christmas! ko :P)


We were all up by 10/11 and opened our presents etc, everything was fine. Mum and dad were cooking in the kitchen from about 1pm onwards and i got into a discussion with my dad who revealed he hated Christmas and mum did as well coz it reminds them of people who have passed away and how they cant be here. It was quite heavy stuff but then we got talking about how he would like to spend a holiday abroad one year and he said, "In years to come, when you're with your wife maybe you'll want to as well" and then mum came out with "Or partner" O.O

Not long after that, maybe 10 minutes, my dad said, "You're mum thinks you're gay you know... you heard what she said earlier"
I completely froze and retreated to my room immediately.
I fell asleep, came downstairs for starters but didnt eat anything, i had no appetite whatsoever after what i heard from my dad so i went back upstairs and lay down and i started crying, i cant pinpoint exactly what about.
I fell asleep again and completely missed Christmas dinner, but i didnt want to be sitting up in my room while everyone else was enjoying themselves downstairs so i made an effort but it just wasnt happening. Mum told me to go back upstairs and that she'd be up in a minute.

As i went up the stairs, i got a strange feeling like it was time, dunno, i just did.
So mum came up, gave me a glass of water and sat with me on my bed, me still crying, i tried to pass off that i was upset cause nobody liked celebrating Christmas but she seen right through it. So i told her about what dad said and it was her turn to freeze.

- GTFO, Take Your Mama by Scissor Sisters just came on iTunes as im typing this O_O -

Anyway, i think she knew what i was getting at so she asked me why i was upset at that and i told her it was because id never known she thought that (ok, i had suspicion but now it was confirmed)
She asked if i wanted to talk about it, but i really didnt at the time, i said i was uncomfortable talking about it, and i was - with my mum of course.
So we just sat a few more minutes and she said dad was wrong for saying what he said coz it wasnt his business and he was raised differently, thinking me do this certain type of thing and that.
By this point, i knew all she wanted was for me to say it but i just couldnt squeeze out those few words but then, "Look, i'll admit ive been suspicious for a little while, i've noticed your interest in Stephen Fry (godammit Stephen, you outed me!!!) you picking that AIDS charity, you dont really hang about with boys, things like that. Sometimes, ive not given it much thought and sometimes its got me thinking. But i dont care, i love you, and i would even if you were an axe-wielding maniac" she chuckled.

I knew the game was up, so to speak, but it was still 20 minutes of me trying to find my voice to say it before i actually did. "I know somethings bothering you, please just tell me, i want to help you"
The glass of water was shaking in my hand, i had chewed the straw in the glass down to nothing. Mum took it off me, sat it down. I took a deep breath...

"Im gay, mum" I uttered, and with that she pulled me into her arms even tighter and we pretty much stayed that way for another 20 minutes before dad came up asking if everything was ok. I was still choked up but i wasn't crying and we managed to pass it off but when he left i told mum more. I told her only Lauren knew, told her i stopped being friends with Steven because of it. She asked how long i'd known, i told her a few years.
I told her specifically that i didn't want to tell dad coz i dont know how he'd react, same with my brother and sister. She said she wouldn't tell a soul and i know that will be so difficult for her. I said to her that i didn't want to put her in that position but she said "Don't worry, i'll handle it and i wont tell anyone until you're ready even if its two years down the line or more"

She revealed she got particularly suspicious back in August when i had a long talk with her about everything that happened during the summer and in turn, i revealed to her that i almost told her then.

Finally, she said it didn't change anything at all. She knows it isn't a choice, "its just the way you are, i accept that" she said. "And i still love you and always will"
I cried again...

She gave me one last big hug and went downstairs and i lay back on my bed, drained, and not long after that i typed yesterdays post.


In case you're wondering, i estimate that i told her between half 6 and 7pm.
But as i said, its still quite weird. Once you're out, you don't go back in which is quite a scary thought and honestly, i'd actually have prefered not to tell her yesterday, perhaps leave it for another few months, i dunno, i certainly had no plan for it to happen yesterday (of all days!) but either way, its done now and i cant change that. And now im going to contradict myself by saying that i wouldnt want to change it either :P

The thing that worries me most right now is mum knowing and nobody else knowing. I'm sure she wont accidentally slip up but i cant imagine the pressure ive put on her which is what im worried about...
As well as the slightly less minor problem that i think there might be a strange vibe for a few weeks while we both come to terms. As i said, ive only been out a day after years of being... in... It's strange but yeh, i wouldn't want to change it.

She came in to say goodnight about 11 last night and i was sitting on the computer. She told me she was proud of me and again, that she loved me. I told her i couldn't thank her enough but she passed it off, "Im you're mum, thats what im here for"
I decided i might as well have a little celebration of my own so i "borrowed" some whiskey, some beer and two tubs of pringles and stuck Stephen Fry in America on. Coincidentally, its a gift i got earlier in the day :P

I made this post a lot longer than i planned, but naturally, i have a lot on my mind right now so thanks for bearing with me. Love you all, guys!


Rowan <3

Coming Out at Christmas

Wow. I just came out to my mum no longer than an hour ago.

Im quite out of it right now so im not going to write a lot. I'll talk all about it when im in the right frame of mind but for now, things are cool. I love my mum so much.

Today has been fucking surreal

Again, sorry for the scarce details but i just need to chill the hell out

Rowan <3

Solstice/Sayonara Steven

I dont often post about single days on their own really but today was worth a mention for a few reasons. Mainly, it was Steven's final day in school.
Tbh it didn't actually affect me an awful lot. I've not seen much of him in the past few months (thankfully) and today was no different.
I was going to write something on his leavers shirt but i missed the opportunity. I couldn't really think of anything worthwhile to say so i just left it.

I was talking to some other people and i think they feel the same way. You see, he's going to some music college to play guitar and its really not going to work out - he can barely play at a grade 3 level - so i honestly can imagine him returning next summer after having recognised his failure, if the school let him back in of course :P

But yeh, its good to know i wont be seeing one bit of him day to day anymore although i suppose i should be thankful for a few things. It was some act of friendship to offer and take me to Wembley to see Muse - no other person i know would have. It's a day i'll never forget and i do owe it all to Steven and thats why i feel like a bit of a dick for just abandoning him literally days after.

But i just couldn't tolerate his bullshit anymore, and leaving that social circle hasn't really had any adverse effects: I usually walk the 10 minutes to the train these days, after school with Kev, the bi guy (lol) and another girl who ive become really friendly with recently and I swear, the amount of times she implies im gay, i would say she actually knows :P

She knows Kev is bi and, take today for example, when she says "Oh my favourite time of the day, walking home with my two best gay friends" I think i have reason to say she knows a bit more than she lets on haha

But it's all good, it isn't like she is bothered at all by it. I think she would like confirmation (again, lol) but im fine with how things are sitting right now. It's actually quite funny, some of the things she says.


So thats what happened this Solstice day, a day in which i have seen virtually no sunlight :P (coz im a vampire, liek)
There was supposed to be a lunar eclipse too, but i didnt see it :/
Although im glad the shortest day of the year is past us, surely that means things get better and brighter from here on out, right? RIGHT!?


Rowan <3

Rollercoaster

Let me just start off by saying that i've not been outed at school, which is at least one positive i can take.

Still not having a great time however.

The reason for my post last night was a combination of many things; of course, being gay is one of them, and the difficulty that being in high school brings with it. Another is the fact that recently, a good number of my friends are in relationships and a lot of questions have been directed at me asking why im not/who i fancy etc.
This is happening also in light of social dance starting this week (pointless shite) which ive declared my dislike of but the pressure is, do i go ahead with it or deliberately miss it? Neither of these options are of particular advantage.
The constant is that school is busy as feck - I have a music pre-exam tomorrow and a big Spanish test (for example) and work is just really building up, not making things easier.

Anyhoo, the title for this post is basically as it says. Since i last posted, (before yesterday) things have been the equivalent of a rollercoaster: highs, lows etc.
I've listed most of the lows, which have been ongoing but the highs haven't. The highs have been more isolated events and incidents. Like, ive been to 4 gigs in the past two weeks and loved all of them.

This weekend, for example, was one the best of the year, if not of my life. I seen Biffy Clyro two nights in a row, the 1st night i went with Alan alone and we were in seating and the 2nd night i went with Bryan and another friend. We were supposed to be seating but some very generous mates helped us into standing which was awesome. Great gig, too. Biffy played a lot of their old stuff and i spent most of the concert jumping around next to a very hot and sweaty Bryan :P
When Biffy played Many of Horror, i was stood beside him, singing my heart out. Emotional stuff haha
All that after seeing Harry Potter, too, with Bryan. That was excellent, Saturday was an awesome day. Spent over 10 hours just with Bryan :D

But after the concert... oh no :(

We managed to catch the early train home and after a little hug goodbye from Bryan (i count third of the day) i returned home, freezing. Dad was waiting up for me, watching some tv and i sat down too, whipped out my ipod for a little facebook check:
Biffy post
Biffy post
Biffy post
RIP Grandma
Biffy post
Biff.... wait!?

That post was from my cousin, one of the cousins we stayed with during the summer, in London. The grandma he was refering to... Grandma Knitter. The very same grandma who's last words to me were "Have a good life"
I showed my dad immediately and he called our cousins in London.
Grandma Knitter isn't even a blood relative of ours but she was like family. Her name "Knitter" comes from the fact that she used to knit a lot. She even knitted a costume for a soft, toy rabbit that was given to me when i was born and still sits on my bed to this day.
She and her husband (who passed away a few years ago) helped my dad a lot years ago when he ran into difficulties etc. so my dad was really upset about it all and its really gotten everyone in the house down recently. It also means we'll be making our way to London in the coming week probably for a funeral.

And this is an example of "rollercoaster" again. One of the best nights of my life with my friends and no sooner does that finish, a relative dies. Wtf is that all about!?

At least after people on facebook knew i had a relative die, a lot of people were concerned which was very comforting. Got quite a few texts, even one off Bryan (who doesnt text a lot) and it was one of the lovliest texts ive ever received. He just said he was sorry about it all, and if i needed to talk to him i could. Obviously it was worded differently, but maybe it was just the fact that it was Bryan that sent it that made it so nice. It cheered me up a little, at least.

So yeah, that doesn't have much to do with last nights post but it added to my stress, i suppose, and my current "whats the point" attitude. I don't seem to be going anywhere, nothing great is happening, so why bother trying?
Seriously, ive been so lazy in school recently. Ive got a big Spanish test tomorrow and i havent revised once.

And as for the whole gay thing (trololololol) well, that is in reference to Bryan i guess. To some people, it might seem sort of like ive moved on from Alan to Bryan in terms of who im really interested in, but it genuinely feels like its more than that.
I think about Bryan too much, way more than i should, and way more than i ever did about Alan. A picture of Bryan is the background of my ipod for fucks sake! I made sure i took loads of pictures at the weekend for that reason. That probably sounds quite creepy...
But what gets me down about this?
Well, what really are the chances that he feels the same way as i do about him?
Probably about zero i'd say.

Now this problem wouldn't be as big if it were i girl i felt like this for. I'd at least be able to talk to my friends about it, and try and see what they think but as Bryan is obviously not a girl, it stays hidden. Silent. Locked away.

What the fuck is wrong with the world!? Why cant people like who they like without other assholes having something wrong with it?


Do i vent disgust when i see a guy and a girl kissing or holding hands in the corridor? No, coz i dont even hold any disgust for it in the first place.




Another reason i felt so crappy last night was because Bryan deleted his facebook (he hadnt long had it) and i kinda feel like i was at fault for it. Maybe i was, maybe i wasnt, but i think i was overloading how much i talked to him on it :/
He said its coz he just couldnt quite get into the whole "facebook" concept but i still think i pissed him off. Not a good feeling when you know (or even think) that someone you really like is pissed off at you.


*sigh* There's just a lot going on right now, and i dont like it - last night didn't help matters -  and my brain doesn't like it. Social dance is round the corner, which will be testing. My "over"like of Bryan is constantly on my mind. Got a funeral to attend soon. School is insane, for many reasons. I wish i was a bear - just hibernate for the next few months, that would be lovely - I could just totally escape from the world.

However, im not a bear, so i cant, but i know there must be serious signs of something wrong when a 16 year old boy searches for videos of Teletubbies on youtube to take his mind away from reality :/


Rowan


P.S Whether you're religious or not, can you keep Grandma Knitter in your thoughts/prayers please? Everyone misses her a lot and she was a great woman, so if could... cheers.

Re: "That's So Straight"

Bet the title put some people off :P

"Oh there he goes ranting again about how the world is so homophobic and evil"

Ko. It's just a subject which seems to crop up a lot.


Since my last post about people using "gay" as a common term for "bad" or whatever, i've taken a sort of backseat approach, if you will.
You might say this is a bit sad or pathetic but i've kind of been studying why or when people use the term.

On a hitch, id actually put it down to tiredness and laziness. People not able to find a better word in their vocabulary to use and so immediately pluck "gay" out of the air because its so easy to use.

But there's still the fine line between someone saying it out of habit/not meaning offence and genuine prejudice.
For example (and i wonder what you think of this) I was talking to a guy the other day about Gears of War - a game on the Xbox 360 - and we were discussing how amazing the 3rd installment should be and this guy said "I don't care if it's bad. I don't even care if the two lead characters are gay bumboys, it'll still be amazing"

...

I'm not going to say who it was i was talking with but to me, he's never seemed to hate gays or anything and he doesn't go around calling things "gay" on a regular basis. In truth i was a bit surprised to hear him say this, and while it did still irk me, as it would if anyone said it, i questioned why he said it.

As i said, he isnt one for using such terms often. But there are many questions.
Was it an attempt at being humorous? Was it coz he was bunged up with cold and couldnt think of anything better? Was it coz he genuinely hates gays? Was it perhaps a one off thing?


Who knows. But it annoyed me coz it was Bryan who said it. (ahah, got you there, said i wasnt going to say who it was :P)
I've talked about Bryan before, sets the gay-(well... more "bi-dar") off a little, plus i REALLY like him :)

It's always worse when it comes from someone you like.


Anyhoo, i'd like to think it was just a one-off thing but yeah...


One other thing i've been thinking a lot about recently:

You see, online... i have various people i can talk to when things are troubling me. Several people too, who i could probably tell anything. I have this blog when i want to type thoughts out, like right now.

But in my day-to-day life... No one.

There are some people i can talk to about trivial issues but nothing particularly deep and serious and i just wish i did have someone like that, in person.

Don't get me wrong, talking to people online about problems has been invaluable to me but im sure we can all agree it is the same as a face to face chat. There's nothing anyone can do about it i guess, just thought i'd type that out here.

The thought doesn't sadden me or anything, i just think about it sometimes...


In other news, things are really busy right now. Lots of tests and all the rest of it. My guitar and bass final performance exams are in 2 weeks! *eek*

So is Biffy Clyro :D (Bryan is coming with me, too ^^) That's next weekend. And this weekend im going to see a few local bands on Saturday and then Klaxons on Sunday. Not many people have probably heard them though.

But one thing that really is quite stressful is the media video we are currently making in groups. Bascially, its for a song (we chose Electric Feel by MGMT) and the rest of my group are dummies so ive been doing about 90% of the work and organising, and it's bloody tough. I don't envy directors at all, or even directors of music videos for that matter of fact.


That's about all ive got to say for now. I know ive said a lot but i havent posted in like 19 days... i think... thought id fill you in...


Rowan <3




(Topless guys feature in this video hehe)


P.S Another reason for this post was the poll results. 64% of people said the word "gay" offended them when used to describe someone/something. 1 person, 5%, said they were too used to it to care. 23% said they werent offended but didnt think the term should be used and 1 drongo said no it doesnt offend them and they use the term :P

Thought that would be interesting...

Just to Clarify...

There are a few things i feel i didn't make as clear as i should have done in my last post.

You'll probably think i'm trying to play last week's events down but after reading some comments it seems a few people think i was deliberately targeted or something by these two guys. Let me say *that was not the case*.

There was not a heart to heart sit down talk where Rob and Kev each came out to me, no not at all.

Kev's whole discussion barely involved me first of all. It wasn't even *my* conversation to be had, i simply picked it up in passing, as i was walking home. Plus, Kev is currently dating a girl. Trust me, he's more straight than gay.

As for Rob, his conversation was with me but seriously, everyone knows he was bisexual. He assumed i already knew and as i didn't, he told me he was.
So you might say, "Surely if Rob can be open about being bi, then you can at least do that too"


...


Right, im trying not to play things down or dissapoint anyone coz i know that hearing that kind of news in the same week is quite a big thing but please don't force me or expect me to immediately go "HEY GUESS WHAT! I LIKE GUYS, OOOOH YEAHHHH!"

There's more to it than that. Let's see, im in high school. Clearly not the best place to be out about your sexuality, it might work for some but hey ho.
Let's delve further. It's a Catholic high school, and while i know Catholic certainly doesn't mean homophobic, there are a fair amount of people that back up that... stereotype.


I do have options to consider right now, that i grant you. But i am not a one man machine, my name is not Tony or Peter Tatchell so please don't expect me to be advocating gay rights etc. around my school coz i'll tell you right now that it isn't going to happen. I am neither comfortable or brave enough to be open to a few people at school let alone 1500+ people.

Even if i were to come out to anyone, i probably wouldn't even tell them im gay. I would most likely say bi rather than going for the all out approach. I am taking things as i see fit and i am not going to rush into any decisions which i may later be regretting.


I'm not getting at any one person, i hope nobody is taken aback now by what i've written. I am simply addressing issues raised in the previous comments section.
Some might think i'm this really brave guy, the Martin Luther King of LGBT issues, but i really am not. I'm an average guy and that's all there is to it. I will take things slowly and when i see it safe enough to dip my toe in the water i will, and currently this is not one of those times.


Rowan <3


P.S The photo at the top of the blog does not belong to me, it's a CD cover that i have edited so as not to include the name or song but if you know me well enough you can probably find it's origins. Pip pip ^^

"That's So Straight"

Im thinking of starting to say that more often :P

Or perhaps, on a broader spectrum "That's so sexual orientation", as suggested by Lauren.


It's just... i hear the term "gay" used all the fucking time at school and it annoys the hell out of me. Yes, i do get quite offended by it (obviously i can't say i am tho) but i have read many a comments section where i have seen arguments for both why people are and aren't offended by it - This also coming from people who are gay saying they aren't offended, and some even use the term themselves.

Personally, i don't see why a gay person wouldn't be offended by it. It's a pejorative term, a diminutive, something that is used to describe "bad" or when something has just went wrong ("oh that was totally gay")
When i hear it, i hear it as someone calling homosexuality and gays, bad and wrong.

I don't think it's right.

You hear it used on television too, in the mainstream media, which of course has such an influence over young people. But i seen a comment at some point, somewhere saying this, "People shouldn't use it, it would make as much sense to call something "black"... "That's so black". Doesn't make sense. Today, you are a lot less likely to hear the word "nigger" used on tv, maybe in some movies, but somehow "gay" "fag" etc. have become widespread terms"

I thought this was a good point, when was the last time you heard someone call something "black" (in a negative way like gay is) ?

Never. Coz it doesn't make sense, neither does "gay"

But here's the thing, some people don't use the term in a deregatory manner.


I bring this up coz i was walking to the train after school today with Alex and one of his friends who i kinda get on with and we were all talking about something, can't quite remember what and Alex's friends came out with the ol' "Yeh, totally gay"

Usually, i ignore it but this time i went "Yeh, really sexual orientation" in a very sarcastic way.

And it was Alex who picked up on this (i think he's noted i don't use the term and don't like other people using it)

He said, "When people say that, or well, when i say it, i don't mean it to be offensive"

His friend agreed, and he continued "It's just the way language has evolved you know, it used to mean jolly/ happy but now it means what it does"

Then he expanded "I don't have a problem with homosexuals. I just don't think it's... normal"

I raised my eyebrows.

"Well, it's not. You're cock shouldn't go up that way"

"According to who? According to what?" I enquired, some air of new found bravery had somehow came over me.

"...Life" he answered, strangely.

Damn, i was expecting him to say "bible" then i would have had a field day :P

The conversation just petered out after that and they went back to discussing what they were before.


But i thought it was quite interesting to hear Alex's opinion on the matter, coz i've never been entirely sure. Still not that i would think of coming out to him or anything but it was a new thing learned.

I want to pose the question to you though. Gay/straight/bi/whoever can answer this.

Is it right to call something/someone gay? Are you offended by it?


My answer is yes. Clearly, for some people, they may not associate it with having connotations of homosexuality (some say that over time it has been losing such meaning) but without a doubt the term started with those connotations in mind, and that's what annoys me when i hear someone say it.

Obviously, calling someone a "fag" or a "poof" has meanings tied in with being gay but the word "gay" itself, some would argue does not mean what it once did.

However, i believe if you reinforce the idea that "gay" is the same as saying "stupid" then you support the idea of bigotry and hate yourself.

I'm actually going to make a poll about this coz im really interested to hear what people think, would also like to see what people think in comments too ;)

Milkboys done a post on it as well, the comments section is worth a look - http://blog.milkboys.org/article/thats-so-gay/ (#9, #27 and #28 are probably where i got some of my arguments above from)


And lastly, homophobia is gay.


Rowan <3

The Black Sheep

In my family of 5, i am the only one who is actually not Catholic. My mum, dad, brother and sister all consider themselves to be so.

I suppose i'm quite lucky in the respect that neither my mum or dad are strict Catholics. It makes things a little easier. Or at least i would like to think so.

I myself, was raised a Catholic, was baptised and made my Communion etc. etc. but over the past few years i have become less interested in religion as a whole, renounced my faith and no longer consider myself to be Catholic.

While religion isn't a touchy subject in the house, the fact that i am not Catholic has never been challenged by my parents and i kinda wondered why recently. It isn't really talked about much so i found myself wondering if anyone actually knew that im not Catholic. It's not talked about so i had no idea.


What's the point in this post?

Well, yesterday i thought i would make it clear once and for all about my (lack of) religious views.

I told my mum when she was sorting out some clothes in my room. I said, "Mum, you know how this is a Catholic family? Like you and dad are Catholic, and raised us all Catholic"

"Yes"

"Well, i was just wondering if you had anything against me being not Catholic, or even religious"

She looked at me as if to say "that was a bit random" but then continued on and said "Well no, not really, you're old enough to make you're own informed decision. You might find in years to come you go back to religion but it's not that important. Why?"

"I was just wondering really, i didn't want you to be disappointed in me coz you raised me as Catholic"

She kinda chuckled "Well, we can hardly be called Catholic, we haven't been to church in at least a year"

"Yeh, i suppose. Thanks"


And there it was. I was quite happy for the rest of the night after that conversation - I think it tells a great deal about my mum's tolerance levels, which obviously is very pleasing.

If only i could get a similar reaction about something else...

I've honestly no idea how that could go, i was nervous enough asking (even though i wasn't expecting a hugely negative respsone) about the whole Catholic thing, let alone thinking about coming out to my mum, who btw would be the first person in my family i would tell.

I think that says quite a lot, that i consider my mum to be the first person i would tell. I do trust my mum but it's so difficult to try and gauge a reaction. I could imagine it being really awkward but perhaps she might gradually be ok with it.

But i really don't know.

She cracks gay jokes sometimes, no malice intended, but i think she would stop that if i were to come out to her.

My dad on the other hand, is a different story. He's not a strict Catholic either but he has a right downer on gay people. "The only gay I ever had time for was Freddie Mercury" he said not long ago. So he's out of the question.

Sad as it is, i could imagine him never talking to me again.

My brother and sister are also out of the question. My brother is far too immature to even understand and my sister, too young.

There are *NO* friends i would even consider telling, just for the record.

So that really only does leave my mum.


...and I have been thinking quite a lot (more than usual, anyway) about it.

I don't know how much of a surprise it would be, but surely the signs are there - I blow-dry and straighten my hair, i openly idolise Stephen Fry... I have a poster of Freddie freakin' Mercury on my wall for god's sake! :P

Maybe... i think my dad is fairly clueless though. E.g we're in the car and we drive by some young woman (lol) "Isn't she a nice one son?"

"Uhuh... sure" *weak smile*

So maybe he has no idea, or maybe he's suspicious, and is scared that i'm gay. Who knows. It's a lot to think about.


I see me telling my mum that i'm not Catholic is progress, i really do. And the fact that she accepts that and understands it, is testament to that progress.

Later she even said "I hope you've not been staying up late worrying about that."

I haven't been.

So, yes, while i am the black sheep of the family in two respects (not Catholic, and presumably the only gay one) good signs are appearing but i'm not going to jump the gun just yet. I wonder if i'll ever have the courage :/

Sometimes i can envisage me just deciding not to tell my mum or dad, even, and then regretting that i didn't when i'm older. I don't want to be 40/50 years old and telling my mum/dad on their deathbed. That horrifies me. And sometimes i picture that scene, it really depresses me when i do.

As i said, i've been thinking a lot about it lately, the pros and the cons, so my mood has been fluxtuating recently. I suppose the discussion with my mum and reading the post about Alex and his brother Tony triggered it. It was a really heart-warmer that post, and i'm so pleased for them.

What i would give for a reaction like that...


Rowan <3




P.S Sorry for not being around much, reading posts, commenting etc. Ive been... lazy

I'm So Fucking Fed Up With School

Grrr, this is an angry post >:(

School has been extremely stressing lately. Honestly, after the exams i expected these 3 weeks before summer to be a slightly more chilling period.

Fuck that.

It's been absolutely non-stop work, homework, tests etc.
It's the languages that are the toughest. Spanish and French follow the same timetable so i am effectively following the same course in two different laguages. And, what's more, they don't consider each other when it comes to tests, my French and Spanish tests (on the last week before summer!) are on the same day, so i will have two lots of things to remember next Monday and Wednesday, not to mention the learning process that is involved there.

I've also come to the conclusion that my Spanish teacher is a bitch. She honestly doesn't care, she just throws the work at us and expects it to be done. I've also grown to hate her voice already and i've only known her for a week.
There are the good little things like Music and Media, i have new teachers in them and they're great but it's hard to focus on the good when there is so much bad.

What else is bad?

The usual i suppose. Steven's shit, other people's shit, everyone's shit.
I am fucking sick of it.

E.g This morning : I went to go sit at the table everyone was sitting at and i didn't sit beside him so he gives me a strange look and i just said "What, do you need to be with me every fucking minute of the day!?"
"Fine then, go sit at the gay side of the table, ya poof"
I know it was just an immature comment but i couldn't be bothered with him at all, i politely gave him the finger and told him to fuck off.

Another thing that's not school related is something else i've been thinking about a lot.
The old gem of coming out.

Next week (11 days) exactly i will be attending a big family reunion and i am really looking forward to it but i can see the questions coming from uncles and perhaps other cousins saying "Where's the girlfriend?" and such comments.
I just don't want to think about stuff like that but i can just see it happening, im 16 now, i should have a girlfriend.... apparently.
So naturally, such questions are expected.
Answers are probably expected by those asking the questions too.

So, i too, like JJ, ask the question "Why can't things be normal?"
I wish i knew, i do kinda but it's nothing new, just people's small-mindedness etc.
Anyway, i said ive been thinking a lot about coming out lately and i have been.
I dunno what it is, maybe being 16 has told me to get a grip, man up and do it, i've thought about it multiple times recently, i almost actually told my parents recently as well.
Something happened in the kitchen, me, mum and dad were having a bit of a laugh then dad says one of his usual ignorant comments, i don't know how it came about but it was something like "Yeh, a gay would do that"
And i was so ready to say "Yeah i know, i am gay"
All that isn't entirely accurate but i hope it's close enough for you to understand the point.

*sigh*

I just can't wait for summer, 7 more school days and i'm away. No more school....

But this is what's troubling me right now :

I'm sick of school.
I'm sick of everyone's bullshit.
And i'm sick of being in the fucking closet to virtually everyone in my life.


Sorry guys, i just needed to get all that off my chest :(


Hugs,
Rowan

Cinema With Alan & Co.

Today was a pretty awesome day, as was yesterday in fact, it has been sunny for both and today i went to the cinema with Alan and a few other friends.

I should start from the start which is yesterday afternoon.

I wasn't doing much, sitting around jumping through a few social netowrking sites when i got a message from a friend named Paul asking if i wanted to go the cinema, i answered yes and asked who else was going and found out that Alan was so that confirmed my attendance!

I got a little sneaky here, i said it's all fine but to make things easier i need both his and Alan's mobile numbers but he told me he left his mobile back at his house. Ugh.
Don't fret yet, not long after this i got a text off Alan, i was like "Wooh!". So yeh, i got Alan's number yesterday, pretty good afternoon's work i must say.

But the main event was today. Firstly, i'll just say i did enjoy it, i had a good time but it wasn't as good as it possibly could and should have been.
I thought it was just me, Paul and Alan going but two other people joined us on the 15-minute train journey into town, where i purposefully sat beside Alan, who got a haircut! (NOOOOOO! j/k)
It actually annoyed me when the other two guys showed up, they're nice enough but my mind was set that there was only going to be three of us :/

So anyway, we got off the train and headed for the cinema, not even knowing what we were going to see (truthfully, i wasn't bothered) but the choices ended up getting narrowed to The Losers and Prince of Persia. Again not being too bothered, i blurted out "Oh, Jake Gyllenhaal is in Prince of Persia, he was in Brokeback Mountain too"

*mega facepalm*

I got the inevitable "Oh, have you actually seen that" No point in lying, i said yes but to my surprise everyone just had a joke about it.
I don't even know what made me say it in the first place....i know for a fact i wouldn't have said it if Steven had been with us but at least there wasn't any hassle over it.

Now....the movie itself lol. We ended up choosing to see The Losers. I tried my utmost to get sitting beside Alan but i couldn't and Paul took the seat next to him :(
Then, the screen projector failed right before the movie came on, things just weren't going right :P
But the movie was quite good, everybody seemed to enjoy it at least.

After the film we just kinda messed around town for a bit and got the train back home. While we were waiting for the train i decided to quietly observe Alan, mainly coz i don't even know if he is gay, i have my suspicions but this was a good a time as any to put them to the test.
Group of girls walked past, Paul said "check them out". I didn't. Alan didn't.
A few minutes later a hot guy a few years older than us with no shirt on walked past, im like "Mmmm" to myself, praying that Alan has a good look as well. Alan didn't.
That confused me a bit and made me think a lot, even if i'm not sure what to think about Alan.
Maybe he's really good at hiding that he is gay, maybe he is straight but doesn't really show that either or another thought that springs to mind is that he might be asexual (lack of sexual attraction) but how many 15/16 year boys would be like that?
It has also occured that maybe Alan doesn't even know for sure....
I'll need to try and observe and analyse a little more.
I might have a chance tomorrow, a big end-of-exam game of football is organised for right after my Spanish exam and he will be there too, although, coz we're playing football i might not get the chance. Ho hum.

Anyway, to round up, i suppose i was a little disappointed today that more people turned up than i thought, i also didn't get to sit beside Alan at the cinema and i still dont know if he is gay or not (he also got a haircut :P). However, can't just look at the negatives coz the positives outweigh them, i got Alan's number yesterday and had a good day out with some friends today. I'm sure there will be a different time to get to sit beside Alan some place and other opportunities to try and figure out if he might be gay :D (and that hair can always grow back lol)


And it's also exactly 100 DAYS TO MUSE AT WEMBLEY!!! XD


The countdown has begun :P



Hugs,
Rowan