Part-ay

Last night was Nicholas' party and i'm not going to lie, I wasn't really looking forward to it.

Was mostly that i was still in bed at 2pm, it was raining and i still had to get ready and everything. But after i did all that, i felt nervous about going because I knew Kev was going to be there and I knew that when he was drunk, he would try something.

Such a thing never materialised but the whole thing turned into quite a riot.

Must have been about 20 people there at one point, at least half of them drunk. I was kinda in-between in all honesty, but got drunk later on - a late bloomer. Melly got everyone's requests in so the party didn't really start till she got there but when she did, i just didn't feel in the mood.

Loads of people just tore straight into the vodka but i hate the stuff so i just had a few quiet beers and talked to the sober people. Around this point, i found myself in a room with a few people and Susan was there as well and somehow the conversation turned to me and about how i've never had a girlfriend.
Fucking joy.

Susan was all hinty like, "It's not as if you haven't had offers"

All the while i was playing guitar and pretending i wasn't bothered and someone said, "It just amazes me you haven't been out with anyone"

I somehow passed it off and the conversation disappeared but then Melly came over for a chat, a good old private chat. She seen me struggling through the conversation and asked me if there were any guys i did like. Now by this time, i'd had a few more trips to the fridge so was a bit more drunk. Not as drunk as i have previously been but drunk enough for things to happen and say that i normally wouldn't.

I ended up telling her i've been practically in love with Bryan but that i'm just about giving it up because he clearly doesn't like guys. We then went into the "secret room" as i dubbed it (Nicholas' bedroom as it's where i first came out to Melly and Josh - weird huh?)
And in return she told me that she really fancied some guy at the party. Can't remember the fine details.

But the biggest shock of my night was when she went, "I had a dream about you the other night"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, you threw me up against a wall and started kissing me"

*awkward silence*

"I know you're gay but i was wondering what that would actually be like..."

*even more awkward silence*

Then she approached me... and kissed me... and i kissed her back. Must have been a good 15/20 seconds at least.

Afterwards - "Yeh, lets not tell anyone about that. Not even Josh. It stays in the secret room". We laughed and then went our separate ways.

I cannot explain how I allowed for that to happen. Firstly, she's a good friend so it shouldn't have happened and secondly, i'm fucking gay so it just totally baffles me. I'm not even attracted to her in the slightest! I can only blame the drink.

But the drama doesn't stop there, oh no! -http://inception.davepedu.com/

Even more happened in the secret room. Not long after that... meeting with Melly than was i back in there on my own with Susan. It all came out... but I didn't.

I told her basically, that i'm sorry i don't feel the same way for her as she does for me. I just never said till now because i can't stand disappointing people. She told me she pretty much figured out already but it was good to finally hear it so i was pleased at least. I just sat with my arm around her for a few minutes while she told me about some guy who does fancy her but she doesn't feel the same way.

I'm sitting like, "Now you know how i felt!" haha

I just said some nice reassuring things to her because she felt bad and i think she was better after that so we left the room. Well, i did. Kev burst in on us and i was thinking, "Oh, here we go" but i managed to leave and Kev and Susan had more than a little chat, if you get me.


Christ. Drink does the strangest things. Probably should have been me that stayed in that room while Susan left. It's what i would have expected at the start of the night.

Anyhow, the conclusion to this crazy story is that Melly and I ended up walking the guy who fancies Susan to the end of the road because he was leaving early.
Basically, things came full circle because i ended up chatting with all three of the people concerned in this drama: Melly, Susan, and the guy who fancies Susan.

I'm sorry this probably makes no sense to anyone reading this. It barely makes sense to me but it's helping me figure out exactly what the situation is :P

After he got picked up, Melly asked, "So did our kiss change anything or have i not managed to sway you at all?"

"Nope, sorry. Still gay", I laughed and we went back to the house to find more than 4 people had thrown up. I took this as my hint not to have any more or else i'd end up like them.

People cleared out not long after that but i was staying overnight so i helped a few of the sick people find a bed - i had sobered up mostly by this time.

I ended up in a bed with Josh and neither of us could sleep so there was banter to be had and he somehow found out about Kev and Susan doing stuff so we laughed about that.

That gaming marathon still has us fecked though. We were both still awake at 7am before we drifted off.
There are still things i want to talk to him about though and i don't know if i should tell him about Melly and I. I feel he deserves to know since they're best friends but maybe some things are better left unsaid.
I'll play that one by ear.

Anyway, i know this post has been disjointed. But that's what parties are like for ya!

In summary:
- Melly knows i fancy/fancied Bryan. The first person who does know about that. Oh, i also told her that i came out to him as well and she was happy for me so yay \o/
- Melly and I kissed.
- Finally resolved things with Susan without actually coming out to her... maybe i should've...
- Found out extra stuff about Melly and Susan that will probably crop back up in the near future.
- I didn't throw up like i usually do when i'm drunk xD

All in all, i can't really tell if it was a good night or not but i'll take it as it was.

Ciao for now.

I'm beginning to like that phrase ^^


Rowan <3


P.S There's probably things I've forgotten to put in this post that i'll remember after i publish it but there's already enough going on here so i'll just leave it there :P

Reading and Leeds Part 2

Woke up on the Saturday morning, feeling a little rough. Didn't get much sleep because dad wanted to get on the road early for some reason.

Anyhow, we packed into the car and headed for London. Took about 4 hours in all i think. I always love coming off the motorway into Surrey, specifically the area we used to live. There's just something i love about the place. It's really nice. Lucky the sun was out and i stuck my head out the window.

Our accommodation whilst staying in London was actually provided free of cost since we have lots of family down there but we stayed with old friends across the road in the street we used to live in.

The old friends i'm talking about are those my mum, sister and I visited last summer (http://dailyodoings.blogspot.com/2010/08/holiday-part-7-back-in-london.html)

Bryan, naturally, felt a bit awkward meeting everyone as they were all new to him. Everyone was as nice as possible to him but the only time he came downstairs all night was for dinner!

He and my brother warmed to each other by their interest (obsession, rather) in all things gaming so i didn't feel bad by leaving them while i caught up and had a few beers with everyone else.

Trying to get to sleep that night was quite annoying. The room was really stuffy. I shared a bed with Bryan again (ahmygawd) but the bed was quite uncomfortable.

He sat up at one point, alarmed and said, "Crap i think i seen a spider on the bed" so we searched for a minute or so but found nothing and he just went, "Ah, i must have been dreaming"

It was quite sweet :3

However, I'd say sleeping that night was difficult not because of the room being stuffy or the bed being uncomfortable but, in absolute honesty, because of the fact that what i think about on a regular basis, what i have dreamt about on numerous occasions was inches in front of me. The temptation to throw my arm over Bryan's shoulder and cuddle him was agonising. There was like this invisible barrier between him and I that just said, "FORBIDDEN" on it.
It was actually quite depressing. I lay there on my side just staring at him, wishing, knowing that it's just impossible.
Sharing the bed was nice but, to put it bluntly, downright painful. A case of being so close to what i desire, yet so far away from it at the same time :(

But despite this, i thought of something else at the same time that made me feel happier: I was lying in that same spot about 9 months ago when we went to London for Grandma Knitter's funeral. My brother and I shared that very bed. If you were to tell me then, that in 9 months time i would be lying in the same bed but with Bryan next to me instead of my brother, i'd have called you a nutter.

I think it shows that mine and Bryan's friendship has developed well over the year we've known each other :)


Was really quite tired waking up on the Sunday. Needed a few more hours, but the nerves about tickets and travelling etc were all there again so i didn't even eat breakfast.

Getting to Reading was a bit more complicated. Had to take a train then a replacement bus, then a further shuttle bus. Would have been another 3 trains if my dad didn't drop us at a certain station. I hate navigating the South East. But it reminded me of getting to Wembley last year and it was just something that added to the event. Don't let anyone tell you different - getting there is all part of the experience!

Go into Reading central about noon and didn't quite know where to go from there, where the shuttle bus was etc. so we saved a few quid, followed the crowds and got there after about half an hour's walk.

Tickets again, were fine and we got our wristbands without hassle.

 

Moar bands xD

Getting to the arena itself was actually quite a trek. Weren't quite sure where we were going, cutting through campsites and everything. I tell you what though, the smell at Reading was ripe. 4th day of one of the UK's biggest festivals. Not very hygienic i must say :P

We had a plan of who we were going to see that day so the first half an hour in the arena was spent filling up on drinks, going to the toilet and getting food - not necessarily in that order. Frank Turner was first this time, enjoyed his set at Leeds and his set at Reading was enjoyable as well although it was pretty much the exact same. Even his speeches were rehearsed. I was able to recite them out of memory as he said them haha

 

The crowd being told to sit the fuck down by Frank Turner :P

After Frank Turner, we headed to The Alternative Stage to catch Tim Minchin but the tent was so crowded that when he came on, we couldn't see anything. I like Tim Minchin but not enough to just stand there and listen to him so we left :(

Without anything to do, we caught Warpaint in the NME Tent. Josh adores them and said we should see them so we did. We sat near the back of the tent and got chatting to a few people. Told them we had been to Leeds and like everyone we told, they were shocked haha. I said it was mainly for Muse but we get to experience both festivals and see other bands. Truth :P

Warpaint weren't bad but weren't anything to shout about either although i did head into the crowd to take a few snaps.

Back to the main stage after this for the rest of the day. Seen Friendly Fires and Interpol. Just sat near the second barrier with a small deckchair we brought with us - lifesaver.

They weren't very good and Interpol must be one of the most boring live bands on the planet. Had such a small crowd, too. I investigated during their set and got about 5 rows from barrier without much hassle. After they finished we placed the deckchair behind the barrier and headed into the growing crowd for Elbow and Muse, in anticipation of a few very special hours.

Elbow, i have to say, were fucking fantastic. Enjoyed them at Leeds but at Reading they were just perfect. The sun was setting and that was just so suiting for a band like Elbow. Got about 7 or 8 rows from barrier at this point - knew we should have headed in properly during Interpol!

The only Elbow song i properly know is Grounds for Divorce which was great live but the have other fantastic songs such as the beautiful One Day Like This, Open Arms, Neat Little Rows. It was majestic.

Camera video i took of Elbow coming on.

:O... :D Woooo! \o/

 

The calm before the storm :P

\o/

 

(final picture before Muse)

Immediately after Elbow things got hectic. The crowd surged forward and we were crammed in like sardines. Even before Muse came on the "domino effect" started happening. If you can't guess, it's where stupid drunk cunts start pushing people just to make others fall over and smash into other people, thus making them fall over. And this was before Muse even came on. I was already a bit scared and had already lost Bryan - was looking forward to sharing at least some of the gig with him :(

When Muse came on with New Born, shit got real. Domino effect every 30 seconds and crushing like nothing else. After fighting for my life during New Born, Bliss and Space Dementia (being unable to enjoy them) i tried my best to retreat a little and managed to get to a slightly safer spot and pay attention to the gig.

I've honestly never been in such a rough crowd. Wembley had a lot of crushing but not to this effect. This was simply the fault of people being drunk and being twats, although i still did my standard confetti throwing during Feeling Good and managed to take a few videos on my phone but the quality is pretty crap. 

Darkshines

Megalomania (fiery stuff!)

The flames at Leeds were better - they even melted part of the stage :P

After Megalomania finished Origin, i said to some random hardcore fan that is was unbelievable, and saddening, that it's the last time those songs will probably be played again. He agreed and we both started chanting for Dead Star! :P
I then decided to chance my arm and head back to the front. Wasn't gonna let some rich, spoiled twats who's mummy and daddy paid for their weekend spoil my fun.

Thankfully, things had calmed down by the time Uprising came on and i was able to enjoy the rest of the set. Got about 3 or 4 rows from the front by the end. Reading highlight was this:



I was on the right side of the stage, as i always am at Muse gigs, so i had a great view of that bassline and that guitar solo played right in front of me. It was so epic even though it was the 4th time i'd seen it!

Stockholm Syndrome was apparently one of Muse's best performances ever, according to people who watched it on tv, but all i remember is going mental with two random guys and jumping about while everyone else stood and watched. Their loss :P

Knights of Cydonia closed the set as usual which is a bit unexciting as it always does it's but always insane fun at the end, as i said.

Some pics:

A Man With a Harmonica

Fin.

Muse saying their goodbyes.

Unfortunately, having watched the tv broadcast of Muse since, i can't spot myself on it. I recognise a few people but that's about it. Also, i'm pissed off that Muse didn't want to show Origin of Symmetry in full. Scared because they hadn't played the songs in years. Like anyone cares. The entire Muse fanbase was looking forward to watching it, and personally i'd have loved to relive it. I love Muse but it's so typical of them to pull something like that. Need to hope they release a DVD. Certainly, there will be fan-made recordings at least.

Yeah, quite disappointed with that and not getting on tv for Muse, although maybe if the whole set was broadcast i might have been.

Bryan and I can be seen during Elbow however...

:D


Anyway, i regrouped with Bryan after the gig and part of my life had been fulfilled by that time. Seriously.

We walked back to the train station, shattered, where my dad and uncle picked us up after a while. It was weird walking around an unknown town centre at 1am...

When we got back, i just crashed into bed, but i was so happy. I had just experienced one of the best weekends of my life, and i shared it with Bryan who was lying beside me as these thoughts ran through my head. It was a surreal moment. My expectations had been more than surpassed. The following statement is also true: I have slept with Bryan.

;D

Ok, not in that sense but waking up the next morning and his smile being the first thing i seen made me so happy :)

We travelled home on Monday, by car, and when we dropped Bryan off i thanked him and told him how grateful i was because, without him this weekend would have never happened. I wouldn't have gone on my own and i would never have been able to see two gigs that will go down in Muse history. I know he wasn't as bothered about seeing them twice as i was, but he did and i have a feeling it was partly for my benefit. Gave him the biggest hug i could have given and told him i'd never forget the past few days. No words were needed on his part, just a smile.


When all is said and done, i have to be honest, i enjoyed Leeds more than Reading. The people i met were nicer and i didn't almost die in the crowd. It was also more special because it was the first time seeing those songs and the second time at Reading, i knew what was going to happen. Not even one tear was shed during Citizen Erased at Reading! :P

Don't get me wrong, Reading was epic and more comfortable because the sun was out but Leeds just had something for me, personally, that Reading didn't. The crowd problems at Reading were scary and made me miss some of the gig but it certainly didn't spoil it. I still seen one of my favourite albums live twice, attended two historic Muse concerts and for that i feel extremely privileged.

I'm a lucky guy, but i'm now a broke guy. Although i really don't care - you couldn't put a price on that weekend :)

Rowan <3

Reading and Leeds Part 1

Sorry it's taken me a while to get round to doing this. Got back on Monday quite late and yesterday i was really tired. Probably made way for the cold i'm currently putting up with but i shall type away about Leeds first of all and Reading in another post in the next few days! *sniffles*

We left on Friday morning, that is, me, my dad who drove and my brother who came along for the ride and to miss some school :P

We picked Bryan up and headed for Leeds festival. The journey was quite meh, i was quite nervous for the whole thing as i usually am before going into a gig - I always worry that something is wrong with the tickets etc - We got to Leeds about 11am but didn't actually get into the site till around noon. Everything went smoothly by the way. On arrival, it was chucking it down and it was obvious that wellies were needed - lucky we brought a pair each. So we got our wristbands and entered the site.

Once inside, Bryan had to buy a rain poncho as he forgot any sort of waterproof clothing.

The first band we seen were Fucked Up. Personally, i wouldn't have gone to see them but the rain was really heavy so we went into the NME tent and they happened to be playing. I wanted to see Dananananaykroyd but we were too late. Fucked Up aren't my kind of music but they put on a good show nonetheless.

We decided to brave the rain at the main stage for Frank Turner and it was worth it. He was surprisingly good!


Now. Festivals aren't all about the music. In fact, just outside the arena there was an EA Games setup. They were showing advanced previews of Battlefield 3. I wouldn't have been interested in it but Bryan, being the obsessive gamer that he is, was all over it. I went with him of course, coz it was his festival as much as it was mine. We waited a while to get in and once we did all i really cared about was being dry for a while :P

We got some new gameplay footage and a test demo of the game which is apparently in pre-alpha stage or something :S

The demo was quite fun admittedly. I thought i'd be partnered with Bryan but we got separated and i played with some randomer who died within a few minutes :/ I blame the fact that it was on PS3!
Anyway, we got custom dog tags made for us by the staff and were told that this is the only public showing of this game at the moment so i guess we were rather privileged in hindsight.

Back in the rain, we watched Enter Shitkari and they were atrocious. Really don't like their music. Bryan does somewhat but admitted that their setlist and performance were crap. I was so bored by them that i took a picture of a depressed looking security guard.

The torrential downpour probably didn't make Enter Shitari any better.

I had to get some food after this because i was STARVING. Had to settle for some greasy, overpriced festival chips but they did the job i guess.

We caught the end of Panic! At the Disco because Death From Above 1979 were on after them.

Now DFA are on a reunion tour and haven't played in over 5 years. I've only got into them recently but their gig was great. Was cautious to begin with as i didn't want to hurt myself before Muse but i decided that since it may be the only time i'll get to see them live, i'd go down the front. Bryan stood nearer the back because he wasn't too impressed with them. Meh, i had a great time. Crowd were really up for it!

Seeing DFA was a little risky because they were on quite close to Muse so we ran in ankle deep mud from the NME tent to the main stage where we caught Elbow in the middle of their set. Just in time. I'd listened to Elbow before going and wasn't too enamoured with them but even in the rain they managed to brighten things up.

Guy Garvey is such a great frontman. Amazing voice as well, and now i'm certainly a lot more interested in the band.

Muse followed Elbow nearly an hour later and we had decent places for them. Probably about halfway between the sound desk and the stage, although i'd have liked to have been a bit closer.

Now, i had been waiting for this moment for months, and to see the songs Muse were going to perform for years so when they came on and the intro called 'What's He Building In There?' was played, i started to well up. Seriously. It's the intro to their best DVD which is such a brilliant gig - Hullabaloo. When it came on i just felt a tingle in the air and knew it was going to be a great night.

Not my video btw

And this is the version on the DVD:



On their DVD this is followed by, "Dead Star" so i got really excited, only for them to launch right into Origin of Symmetry with "New Born"

Would have like to see Dead Star but i wasn't too bothered. The gig of a lifetime was under way.

They proceeded to play Origin of Symmetry as i proceeded to bounce my way closer to the front without knowing it, losing Bryan in the process but that was always going to happen i think.

I met some awesome people in the crowd. An equally hardcore fan who i enjoyed Hyper Music with before joining up randomly with a group of other hardcore fans during Citizen Erased. I only realised i was a few rows from the front by about Darkshines. So maybe about 40 minutes in.

I proceeded to do my usual confetti throwing during Feeling Good as it's something that Matt Bellamy used to do in the Origin days but stopped. Although apparently he brought it back for Leeds. I didn't see coz i was throwing my own :P

Was quite sad after that when Megalomania was played as the album was coming to a close. But i was determined to enjoy it and i did. It was one of the highlights without a doubt. I met a Scottish guy in the crowd who asked if i wanted to go on his shoulders (i swear he fancied me or something, kept brushing my hair out my eyes :P) but i politely decline before thinking, "fuck it, why not" y'know? Not something i'll get to do an awful lot.

Was only probably on his shoulders for 30 seconds before he got tired but the view from there is something i'll take to my grave. Looking back all i could see was a sea of faces stretching as far as the eye could see and in front of me, an unobstructed view of Muse playing one of my favourite songs ever. It was just surreal. So grateful to that guy, that legend <3

After that unbelievable performance of one of my favourite albums of all time, i could have died right there. It was bliss. It was perfect. It was flawless.

The Scottish guy and I sang Celtic songs (my dad supports them, too, so i know a bit about them) during the break between Megalomania and Uprising. Probably getting some weird looks from people but who cares, it was great fun!

Muse went into the greatest hits part of their setlist after Origin, all of which i'd seen before so it was the cool down period but i enjoyed it nonetheless (except from the crap that is Undisclosed Desires, Resistance and Starlight) and took a few photos. It was still a bit disappointing that Muse didn't surprise us with any other rarities but then again, they just played about 8 of them so i shouldn't complain :P

It may not look very close but that's my camera for you. Plus, the barrier was further away than usual to allow for pyrotechnics etc.

They closed on Knights of Cydonia which is good to jump around to no matter how many times you've seen it - this occasion was my third - and afterwards i was done in. Met Bryan at a pre-arranged point afterwards, stumbled up to him and almost collapsed in the mud.

I literally could have fallen asleep there but we had to wait over an hour for a bloody taxi in the pouring rain. Not fun, but we got chatting to some people in the queue about the gig and everyone was really kind and funny. Weird, coz on the Muse Messageboard people have been saying that festival crowds, and especially Reading and Leeds crowds, are mostly twats. Maybe i missed them, at Leeds, and got lucky, coz most folk i met were great! :)

We eventually got our expensive taxi to the hotel where my dad and brother started laughing at the state of us. Not that we really cared. Bryan and I both had a shower (not together - i wish!) and we watched some Billy Connolly before going to bed.

I said before that i can never usually sleep after a gig but with Bryan by my side, the day couldn't have ended better and i slept like a log in anticipation of doing the whole thing again at Reading :)

Rowan <3

Bryan's Second Stayover

"im comfortable enough for Josh to know i'm gay but i've no intention of telling Bryan." - Me, July 27th 2011.


That kinda changed last night, and without the influence of alcohol.


I'm afraid i'll be called a cop out again as the word "gay" did not feature and "bi" did instead but as it usually is with coming out to someone (in my experience so far) it can be rather difficult, and sometimes awkward but that goes without saying.


Also, with Bryan, i've never been too sure where the ground lay with him so i didn't throw myself right in at the deep end but he's actually perfectly fine with it, or so it seems :D




Anyway, this stayover was certainly better than the 1st. We picked Bryan up in the car and I swear, the first time i seen him i almost melted! His hair is quite some length but even though it's quite messy it really suits him! We picked him up because he was bringing his guitar and amp with him.


Didn't use it much but we played a few Muse excerpts together. I've really got him into Muse now. He's bought his own copy of Origin of Symmetry which also changed an opinion i held in my last post that going to Reading and Leeds with Bryan might not be as exciting as it once seemed.


I'm thinking it will be, he really surprised me with his knowledge of the album. I was grinning like a Cheshire cat.


Also, this time i didn't throw up \o/ (some achievement, eh?)


But once again, i still had no appetite when it came to dinner. My dad cooked some lovely chilli that i barely touched coz i didn't want to be spewing again :/ Bryan loved it however. 
Just like last time, I dunno why i had no appetite again. I felt fine before it and then after it when we walked the dog down to the park, although my asthma came on a bit.


Yeah, i'm probably going to spontaneously combust any second now :P




I tried to coerce Bryan into watching Alien because he hasn't seen it before and he isn't a great horror fan but that wasn't happening so when i found he hadn't watched much Billy Connolly, i stuck a dvd on which we were both howling at. He's probably my favourite comedian, in truth.


The hours, after that, ran away as they usually do and i got the old air mattress out for Bryan and we just sat talking for ages and this is the juicy part of the story.


From the vantage point on my bed, i could see right up Bryan's top (uNF) Oh, the sights you see!
Just thought i'd mention that...


The juicyness began when i told him the whole show about Rose and Susan and he laughed about how i'd become such a "womaniser" in the space of a month. I then told him, of course, that i didn't fancy either and he asked if there really was anyone i was interested in...


Ololol. I just replied, "not really". I couldn't exactly just say, "Yeah, you!" could I!?


He said pretty much the same thing - that he wasn't interested in anyone (and also, was to lazy to be arsed going out with someone, lulz) when i asked him but then we delved into the past and also, previous dealings with alcohol.


By this time, i'd made my mind up that i was going to tell him what happened with Josh and Melly. Dunno why, just decided i would.


His previous experiences with alcohol involved snogging a group of random girls when he was really out of it a few years back. He didn't say who but it wasn't what i really wanted to hear :P


I told him about Susan's party, made the same joke on here that i'd be tempted to go out with her just because her parents are so awesome and then told him about when i got drunk at Nicholas's house.


I came out with it eventually, coz the conversation kept going off in tangents about alcohol making you do strange things etc. (completely true as well) So i was slowly but surely edging my way towards the moment >.<


I said to Bryan that when i was drunk, i told Josh and Melly some things that i probably wouldn't have if i was sober and played the old, "Well, it isn't fair for me to say that to you and not to tell you now", so Bryan's like, "Ok, what is it?" and i just said, "I hope this sits alright with you... i'm bi"


"Really?"


"Yah"


"Ahh, ok man"


I told him i'd been wanting to tell a few close friends recently and i just wasn't sure where the ground lay with him. He said it didn't bother him though but asked when i "decided" and i just said, "Well, i didn't decide, it's just the way i am"
He questioned how long i'd known and i told him a few years now.


He just said it was cool and that he wouldn't be running and telling anyone. Made me quite le pleased but the over-analytical side in me made me question his word choice of "decided"
I was just worried he thought that sexuality was a choice but he didn't mean it like that and agreed that it's just the way people are born.


I thanked him for being understanding and he said it was no big deal coz he knew it was probably not an easy thing to tell someone. "Not that i would know" he joked and that made me want to push further and ask him some more stuff but i decided not to - If there was a moment for Bryan to confide his sexuality it was then, but as he didn't, you've gotta just take that as him not having anything to confide, something that i'm rather confident of at this point :P




Now. You can call me a cop out if you so desire but as i've said before any step forward is a good step and if you want the absolute honest truth, i don't really feel ready to be openly gay to everyone yet. Maybe in a year or so, but not at this moment in time, apart from Josh who probably knows. That's just the way i feel about it right now.


Anyway, last night was a good night, I was able to tell Bryan what i did, had a good laugh with him and evenutally managed to exchange the Reading and Leeds tickets for the money he owed me xD


I'm certainly looking forward to Reading and Leeds more now after having Bryan round. Probably coz everything is finally in place and all we have to do is wait. 25 days!


The only worrying factor is Bryan's paranoia about the migraines he is prone to. If one was to pop up that weekend then there is like 0% chance that he'd be able to go. Loud noises and flashing lights apparently don't do it much good so let's just hope that he can handle Leeds and will be all good for Reading as well.


After months of waiting, we're on the home stretch now, and i'm looking forward to a great weekend with a friend i certainly feel a bit closer to now! :)




Rowan <3




P.S Apparently the film people have sent emails out to people they want to be extras for the film and i didn't get one :(
The dates would actually have suited me and my busy schedule :P
But never mind, i'm not too fussed. The film is called World War Z btw, and they've been looking for extras in various towns and cities in Britain. Meh.

Updates

So it's been a while since my last post (prepare yourself for a long'un) and for good reason.

This summer has been way more eventful and outgoing for myself than i'd have ever imagined.

Honestly, i've spent as much time at my house as i have at other people's. It's strange coz i never usually do a lot over summer. Just sit inside and do whatever but anyway, onto what you're probably expecting to read.

The situation between myself, Susan and Rose for starters.

Rose is sorted and there was quite a bit of skill involved actually, however mean that sounds.

It was over Facebook, as it usually is. She goes, "You're gay for me" and im thinking, "Ah, this could be going somewhere" so i replied with "Nup"

It continued: 

Rose: yep

Me: Nope

Rose: why not :(

Me: Cuz

Rose: ye that makes sence >.<

Me: Yup.

Rose: your boring me

Me: I am boring.

Me: and you're*

Rose: not usually :( you just dont love me anymore

Me: ... (5 minutes later)

‎Rose: :/

Not my proudest moment but it had to be done. Facebook, in person, doesn't matter. Still felt bad but it's probably easier over the internet tbh but now that Rose has realised it ain't happening, i still have to sort things with Susan.

I honestly think the best way of dealing with it is to let it all fade away. If i don't act then surely that gets the hint across that i'm not interested, right?

Instead of going through with some overblown and awkward confrontation, letting things slide away gradually sounds a lot better and that way we can remain friends as well, whereas i'm not sure how the ground will lie with Rose when i see her next.

At least it isn't awkward with Susan at the moment, such as this previous weekend.

It was her birthday and it was a blast!

Just took place at her house, group of friends were invited. Good fun.

There was secret talk amongst us all of getting alcohol somehow coz we knew her parents would be gone for a bit.

Didn't matter in the end coz her parents actually bought a whole crate of Budweiser for the guys and loads of Smirnoff Ice for the ladies!

What legends.

It was another evening of getting drunk without planning to.

I need to learn how to handle alcohol properly coz i threw up again. My theory is that both times i was drinking i hadn't eaten so next time, i will make sure i do :P

Anyway, when a group of teenagers are left alone with alcohol, funny and weird things happen.

Such as me and Nicholas kissing.

This was after a few beers but i remember it vividly and it was nice but by the same token it was very brief and more akin to a little kiss you'd give your mother, if maybe just a little bit more than that. However, it was overshadowed by a full french kiss involving Melly and another girl. This was in the middle of the living room with everyone watching. Guess that's one way to announce your sexuality.

I think Melly made a bit of a boo-boo there coz it's what most people remember from that night. Not that anybody is hating on her coz of it tho which is good.

Anyhoo, Susan's parents were awesome. They actually came back home and this was after most of the drink had been drunk. A bit tactless but they must have been geared up for it. They were both really concerned for me when i was sick but when i half sobered up, i said thanks and sorry. Was weird :P

I'd be tempted to go out with Susan just because her parents are so great... jokes, jokes.

I didn't actually end up going home for a few days after that. Stayed a night at Nicholas' house with a load of people and the day after i went to Josh's. 

Usually that involves a whole load of Rock Band but it was one of the nicest days of the year so far so we went a walk. He lives in the countryside pretty much so some of the scenery was actually quite lovely. There's a great little river round the back of his house as well which he didn't know about.

He's lived there for 4 years and it took me and a bit of sun for him to find that out. Yeah, he's quite a nerd :P

What else has been happening recently? Let's see... 

Oh yeh, I went to an auditioning for a film the other week. 

Ok. Not so much an auditioning but fill in some details and get your picture taken. It's only to be an extra but hey, the pay is rather good. Maybe £100 a day and could be working for 10!

More on that when i find out if i'm in or not. I do hope i find out soon coz it will affect the rest of my plans for summer...

I'm supposed to be going with Josh, and a group of other friends, to his dad's house near Manchester someplace but i can't commit to it until i know if i've been cast or not :P

I'd love to do both but there's a good chance they could clash. If they don't then it will probably take place when school starts back so i wouldn't be able to go... there's also Reading and Leeds at the end of next month to think about.

If only they could have given us the dates and i could have made my mind up before i auditioned!

Next month would be perfect if i could be in the film, go to Josh's, and go to Reading and Leeds. Unlikely but who knows.

Speaking of films, I've become a bit of a movie buff recently. I've applied to a local cinema group (another thing i'm waiting to hear back from) and when i've not been out and about, i've been watching movies.

So many films out there that i've not seen. I have a list that i'm currently working my way through. For example, one of the most recent was There Will Be Blood and the next few include Chinatown, Das Boot and Raging Bull.

Anyway, one reason i've applied to this group is to further my movie knowlegde, as well as talk about movies with people my age, get out the house a little and (although nobody will admit it) put it down on a CV for applying to university.

The atmosphere at the group is also unbelievably camp. I swear at least 2 or 3 of the guys there are gay! 

So i do quite hope i get accepted into that.

I'll finish by talking a little about Reading and Leeds, which is now exactly a month away! I'm excited, but nervous at the same time coz i'm still waiting on the Reading tickets. Got my Leeds but Reading seems to be waiting around. I check my email literally every day just to see if there's been any change :P

Going with Bryan doesn't seem as great as it once did. I haven't seen him once since school let out which is a shame (since he owes me a fair amount of money... kidding) but just because i do quite miss him. But not seeing him has made me realise something. I've seen people like Josh, Rob, Nicholas, Susan et al so many times recently compared to not seeing Bryan at all. It's probably coz he isn't actually in the same friend group in all honesty.

But then there's a reason for that. People in the same friend group are there because they get on well with each other. Obviously Bryan gets on better with other people which i just have to accept. Nothing that can be done about that.

I mean, he is still a friend but isn't quite a friend like Josh, for example. 

Josh lives over 10 miles away and i've seen him more for christ sake! That speaks volumes in my opinion. Plus, im comfortable enough for Josh to know i'm gay but i've no intention of telling Bryan.

Anyway, i am going to try and invite him round over the weekend. Will be nice to spend a bit of time with him again and on the plus side, i now know he didn't end up going bald after all xD

Phew. Think that's just about all i've got in me for now. I'd have posted this in bits over the past few weeks if i had to time but if you've read this far you can probably see that's been a bit difficult to come across!

After about 3 weeks of nothing i felt i owed a longish post anyway so there it is... what you've just slaved your way through reading.

Hope y'all are fine and dandy :)

Rowan <3

Really into this song by the Fab Four at the moment:

The Mikado etc.

(first post from new laptop, yay!)

Erm, anyway. Recently, our school has put on a production of the comic opera "The Mikado" which you may, or may not, be familiar with... It is, after all, one of the most frequently played musical theatre pieces in history (according to Wikipedia :P)

Well, it was excellent.

It ran from Saturday evening till Wednesday evening and i seen the penultimate and final performances because i enjoyed it so much.

What made it good were the role reversals. Two lead characters were played by girls and another female character was played by a guy in drag which was quite hilarious. He sang countertenor as well, quite impressive.

The music was also great and is now stuck in my head :P

Seeing it and enjoying it as i did, has quite made me want to participate in some capacity at next year's school show, even though i can't sing. I'm certainly dedicated enough: the train i was due to get this evening was cancelled so i ran/walked for 3 miles in the pouring rain with only 30 minutes to get there! haha

Some would probably call me mad, but i wasn't missing it after having paid for my ticket.

I would say i enjoyed Tuesday's performance more though, because i hadn't seen it in full before, i wasn't in a rush and there were no annnoying twats behind me like there were tonight -_-

But the cast and the musicians were fantastic on both nights, and probably all nights tbh. I'm glad i went to see it after not being sure whether i would or not.


Now on slightly more sour, something has been bothering me recently.

I kind of cringe even posting about it because it's so unbelievably juvenile and immature.

Remember when i posted about Bryan getting his haircut a few months back and i was quite worried that he would look so different afterwards?

Yeah, well this Friday, he's getting his head shaved completely :/

"For a change" allegedly. I've tried to persuade him otherwise in a light-hearted way but it's still going to happen no matter what.

I know how pathetic i sound, trust me. Why this bothers me can only be explained by the fact that for me, long hair on a guy is make or break. I don't find short hair on guys appealing, but thats not to say they still can't be hot.

Regardless, me worrying and obsessing about someone else's choice of hairstyle really is quite sad and i just wish i couldn't give a crap but for some reason i do. It's Bryan after all!

Geez, that's another thing... I still fancy Bryan, im not going to deny it (and "fancy" might be an understatement) but i know i probably will until we go our separate ways next year when high school is done and dusted. Perhaps this Friday could be the change of that.

Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise.

You see, i don't like having an almighty crush on one of my best friends. It's pain-staking and it's awkward coz i can't really say what i want.

I honestly wish i didn't fancy him, i wish i could see him as nothing more than a great friend coz i know that nothing will ever happen between us so maybe when this cutting of hair takes place, the situation will be different. But it's an almighty ask and one i see as unlikely.

I'm just trying to make the best of bad circumstances. I'm caught in two minds and the long wait till Friday isn't helping things.

Then again, school ends on Friday and then i probably won't see him for another 6/7 weeks so his hair might be slightly longer by then?

Fuck, im just clutching at straws. Why i'm worrying about this is so pathetic but there isn't much i can do to change it, even though i would so badly like to.

Im expecting most, if any, comments to be along the lines of, "Grow. The. Fuck. Up." Feel free, it's exactly what i've been telling myself...


Anyway, go see The Mikado etc. Trust a Catholic school to put on a racist opera...

SWISH! No, i joke (they took the racist parts out) It's a good watch and if it's on anytime soon professionally, i'll probably go see it again, and so should you!


Rowan <3

French Exam

So my French exam was today and i would love to say it passed without incident but it didnt.

The first part was grand. Reading a passage and answering questions went well. The directed writing is usually where im a bit iffy. Basically, you're given a situation and you have to write about it. That went well, too, however.

We had a break and the second part - the listening and short essay - is where things went a bit skiwif.

We were given a pink sheet of paper with the questions on and a white sheet (presumably) for the answers.
You see, i wasn't sure whether the answers went on the white sheet or not and by the time i'd tried to figure it out, the first playthrough of the cd has finished, leaving me having jotted down a few bare points.

I checked the front of the page and it says answers went on the pink sheet which was confusing as others around me seemed to be writing on the white sheet and it honestly would have made more sense to do it there.

Anyhoo, that meant i only got one playthrough to gather all my answers and the previous kerfuffle just threw me so i couldn't concentrate properly. If i get half marks for the thing i'll be a lucky boy. The short essay afterwards seemed ok.

But the confusion surrounding the listening was enough to through me and im not good at listening most of the time so that was rather unfortunate. Others said it was tough which made me feel a bit better but at least they could hear it twice.

On reflection, it shouldn't matter greatly coz the listening is only 20% of the full thing. The reading and directed writing is 45 which im confident i got a high score in. The short essay is another ten marks so id say at least 8 there. The oral exam back in March is 15 and i already know i got full marks. I might lose 10/15 from the listening but an A is about 70% so odds are i can still get it. But we'll see. Still annoyed at the listening today.


But here's the juicy news: i'm currently sitting in my room, unattended, with Bryan's ipod.
The reason i've got it because he put it in my locker with my ipod and phone before the exam so there was no chance of it going off in the classroom and potentially getting disqualified. After the exam he went home without remembering and he was gone by the time i went back to my locker.
Obviously i've trawled and trawled it (coz i'm such an awful human being) but the truth lies in plain sight and it's the truth i've known for a few months now.

There was a suggestion after my sneak preview a few months ago that maybe Bryan had deleted anything incriminating, knowing in advance he'd be at my house. Well, there was no way he could know he would leave it in my locker today and his history etc. is pretty much what it was last time.

The only hints at anything else are a few stupid Omegle chats but lets be honest; anyone who goes on that site just does it to fuck around when they're bored as hell. The word "gay" doesn't even return any results on a full ipod scan and "bi" just directs to pointless Omegle conversations.

I've even looked through photos and everything i wasn't able to last time. I know its wrong, i know its his privacy i've invaded, i know its dishonest and i know i wouldn't like it if anyone looked through my ipod. I feel like a terrible friend :(
I just hope he isn't too suspicious of me when i give it back to him, but naturally im sure he will be. Anyone would.
Anyway, i guess you've probably had enough of me rattling on about Bryan so i'll leave it there - trust me, i could go on.

Depressing post is depressing, but at least French will probably be ok.


Rowan <3

Grieving

A strange topic you may say. Well, it isn't about me thankfully, im not the one grieving. Unfortunately, it's Bryan, his Grandad died this evening :/

I've talked to him a little but not in person yet coz it happened after school, or at least thats when he found out.

Basically, i am asking your advice because reading stuff on the internet makes me worry that i've said or will say something wrong. For example, one site said not to compare someone else's grieving to a grievance you have experienced, something i've already done. His situation is similar to what my Grandad's was a few years ago - only given a few months to live - so i compared it so he feels able to come to me if he wishes, coz i might be able to help with the situation having been through it myself.

Of course, this certain site says not to do that so to avoid any further worry or despair, i felt it would be better to ask *actual* people instead of just reading what some randomer has typed.

Also, its difficult coz this isn't something i've ever experienced before. I've never been in the situation of helping someone deal with a loss so i, myself, am a bit lost. (Although i have, of course, said that if he wants to chat to get something of his chest then he needn't hesitate in asking)



I'm open to any suggestions. I just want to make sure im being a good friend for him, im not using this as an apportunity for personal gain or anything. I don't like seeing my friends down, and i know this is a difficult time especially with exams approaching, so if you know anything that would be useful then please... im happy to hear anything :)

Thanks very much guys.


Rowan <3

Bryan's Stayover

I call them "stayovers" coz "sleepovers" imply sleep :P

Anyhoo, yes. I finally had Bryan stay over last night, id have posted about it earlier in the week but he wasn't sure whether he'd be able to come over or not, but in the end he did.

I'll say now before i talk in any more detail, nothing sexual took place... unfortunately.

However it was fairly, umm, eventful.


It started off so well, i met up with him after a music listening easter school i went to (just basically an extra help class) and we took the train back to my place.

Mum and dad had never met him before but they all seemed to get on fairly well together. Good stuff coz Bryan is the first person i've had stay over since i came out to my mum so i think she was rather suspectful of us...
The whole night really took place in my room where we played Rock Band 3 for a bit which was great fun. I'd never played it before so it was something new as well.

Dinner was where things went rather Pete Tong.
I don't know how or why this happened but i simply couldn't eat, i had no appetite, and that was after ordering a kebab for the two of us which i usually enjoy.
We stuck on Father Ted coz Bryan had never seen it before, i sat and quietly watched it, tried to eat but every time i did, i felt sick. It was the strangest thing ever. It wasn't nerves, it wasnt anxiety, i honestly can't explain it.
Anyway, in the end, i did throw up... in my bin... right in front of Bryan.

Great one, eh?

Why that night of all nights to be sick? I hadn't been sick like that in years, it was fecking weird. But the strange thing was, right after it i felt kinda better.
I'm sure it didn't make a great impression on Bryan but i cleaned everything up, apologized and he said it was cool. He was quite concerned i think but i was cursing my luck.

The reason i think it was so weird is coz i didn't even feel sick until i sat down with the food, and there was absolutely no forewarning that i felt unwell. I actually have a theory about a certain piece of clothing. There's a red top i have which i wore when i went to Wembley, i also wore it on Christmas Day when i came out to my mum and i was wearing it yesterday. I think it signals that something eventful will take place and after last night, i don't think im going to ever wear it again.

Anyway...

I just got some water, chilled out and suggested we watch a film (and also so i could try and regain my head). I stuck on This Is Spinal Tap coz Bryan hadn't seen it either. I got gradually better as the film wore on and he really enjoyed it. Great movie as well.

I didn't quite know what to do after it but Bryan took command and started showing me some music videos etc. This is where my questions about Bryan were pretty much answered. We were watching a 30 Seconds to Mars video (with lead singer, Jared Leto - ooft!) and Bryan turns round to me and says something along the lines of, "Im straight man, but i would turn for Jared Leto"

Any idea/inclination i had that Bryan might at least like guys as well as girls were dashed in the space of a few seconds. Why can't i be Jared Leto? :(

This is when i suggested we crack open some beer i bought so we did and coz i hadn't eaten anything, the beer affected me a lot more than it did Bryan. We only had 3 each but i certainly felt a little light-headed.
The next few hours were a blur consisting of xbox, youtube, facebook, omegle and chatting.

Bryan got rather obsessed with Omegle, basically talking to randomers around the world, and then handed me his iPod to have a go. You might hate me for this and think it disgraceful and under-handed but i couldn't not check his iPod history. I simply had to, it was the confirmation to the answer id wanted to know for so long and the horrible, ugly truth was revealed: There is effectively 0.1% chance that Bryan has any interest in guys. The iPod history was what i imagine any normal teenagers would be - some games, facebook, movies, porn... all of it straight. Absolutely no hint of anything else. I wouldn't suggest that he maybe deleted anything "incriminating" before giving me a shot because he had no qualms handing it over whereas if i were in that situation, id have to spend about 10 minutes deleting loads of shit off mine.

So basically, i now know the truth. I pretty much knew already tbh, but this confirmed it and i wont lie, it hurts.

The hardest part is knowing he isn't even bi, (let along gay) but being unable to stop thinking about him coz i know nothing will ever happen between us. I guess its destined that we are simply friends, and thats all we ever will be. There's nothing i can do to change that fact. I just need to try and force myself to get over it, which will be tough.

The news doesn't come as a surprise to me and it wont stop me being Bryan's friend but i wont be able to think about him in the same light. Despite this, he needs friends over the next couple of months: his grandad has been given 3 months to live and will, unfortunately, die soon so i will do my best to support him in any way i can. I've already done a fair share of having him get upset on msn about it so i will be there for him.

His birthday is also coming up soon and due to (what i expect) his family situation not being great at the moment, im gonna help him out some more. After paying me for the Leeds ticket, he's not got a great amount of money and isn't expecting much for his birthday due to his parents being otherwise occupied so i am going to pay for all his accommodation when we go to Leeds, no matter what it costs. It will hopefully take a bit off his mind.


In the end, im glad that Bryan  did stay over coz its something i promised i would get done, and ultimately, i did enjoy his company, like a friend. I would hardly call it the greatest of evenings tho. I threw up in front of him and i know for sure now that he is as straight as ruler.

Don't quite know where to go from here...

Im just gonna let Freddie sum up how i feel:


Yes, i am aware i probably sound quite pathetic but there you go.


Oh, my next post is my 200th. I think of something or other to do for it. Idk yet.


Rowan <3