A strange topic you may say. Well, it isn't about me thankfully, im not the one grieving. Unfortunately, it's Bryan, his Grandad died this evening :/
I've talked to him a little but not in person yet coz it happened after school, or at least thats when he found out.
Basically, i am asking your advice because reading stuff on the internet makes me worry that i've said or will say something wrong. For example, one site said not to compare someone else's grieving to a grievance you have experienced, something i've already done. His situation is similar to what my Grandad's was a few years ago - only given a few months to live - so i compared it so he feels able to come to me if he wishes, coz i might be able to help with the situation having been through it myself.
Of course, this certain site says not to do that so to avoid any further worry or despair, i felt it would be better to ask *actual* people instead of just reading what some randomer has typed.
Also, its difficult coz this isn't something i've ever experienced before. I've never been in the situation of helping someone deal with a loss so i, myself, am a bit lost. (Although i have, of course, said that if he wants to chat to get something of his chest then he needn't hesitate in asking)
I'm open to any suggestions. I just want to make sure im being a good friend for him, im not using this as an apportunity for personal gain or anything. I don't like seeing my friends down, and i know this is a difficult time especially with exams approaching, so if you know anything that would be useful then please... im happy to hear anything :)
Thanks very much guys.
Rowan <3
juiceboys *2524
1 week ago
Hi Rowan,
ReplyDeleteJust let Bryan know you're there for him, to talk about it, if he wants to.
:-)
-Andy
I have to agree with Andy, you've already done all you can by letting him know you're there for him if he needs anything, and that you might be able to relate since you've lost somebody similar to death under similar circumstances. Is it the same? No, and it never will be, because everybody handles loss and death in different ways. Aside from the above, that's all I can generally suggest. You know him best, though. Some people like forgetting about it, and in that case you can provide distraction. Some people like being cheered up, in which case you can use your awesome sense of humor to help him laugh again. And some people just need time to work through it, in which case you should probably let him know that you're there for him and then give him his space. It really depends entirely on what kind of person he is, how he handles loss, what your relationship to him is in his mind, and a bunch of other factors that I'm not capable of judging I'm afraid.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, sir.
Love, always!
-David
Very hard to say how you should act. Depends on Bryan. I don't know him, so i can't give you any advice what to do in the end. People react very different. You should gently try to find out whether he wants to talk....hm, what david said is pretty good. Try to find out carefully what he needs now.
ReplyDeleteI just can wish you a good sense for what helps Bryan now.
And don't listen to websites, listen to your heart. Do what you think it's the right thing for your friend. There is no general way, there never is.
Hope you sucess.
Thomas.
Don't say anything. Just walk up to him and give him a long hug. That will say and mean more than any words you say. And it shows him that you are there, wether he wants to talk or not. "I'm sorry for your loss" or "if there's anything I can do...", it's nice to hear those things, and i feel bad for saying it, but after a while of hearing the same thing literally hundreds of times, those words don't really do anything for you and it feels like everyone is just going through the common courtesy routine, even though they sincerely mean them. It would also be great if you could attend the funeral. Hope this helps. Paul
ReplyDeleteFirstly, be careful abotu attending the funeral unless invited, but you can offer to be there for Brian if he needs you there. Just try to keep in mind it might be a very private thing or it might be a very open thing.
ReplyDeleteBrian's reaction is entirely unpredicable. But as long as you make sure that he knows your there for whatever whenever, then everything should be fine. Just reiterate that your there if he wants to talk, cry, complain, ignore things etc. A hug would be nice and reasure him he's not alone, but be careful if he is an emotional boy and is likely to cry, try to do this stuff somewhere more private.
as for saying/empathising with him. Try not to compare your situations too much because everyone reacts differently, but you can remind him that you've recently been through similar stuff and you know how it feels. but i'd just say the main thing is to make sure he knows your there. That way he will come to you for what he wants.
Although keep an eye out, if he looks like he's upset and lonely, go an talk to him, or give him a hug etc.
good luck! and its great that he has a friend like you xx
(oh, and dont be surprised if he isnt in school tomorow, its not uncommon for the family to group together in these times. If this is the case, try texting, calling or even going to his house to see him. It doesnt have to be long, just enough to know that your thinking of him xx)
Don't paralyze yourself with fear of saying the wrong thing. Almost anything, sincerely meant, is better than nothing. People who are grieving appreciate having their loss acknowledged.
ReplyDeleteThe thing I would suggest avoiding is telling him not to feel bad. You can say you hope the good memories will last longer than the grief, just not that he shouldn't grieve.
If you want to think some more about what to say or do, think about what you liked or would have liked when your Granddad died.
just be there for him rowan.remind him that if he wants to talk about it then your there for him he will respect you for your offer of support.
ReplyDeleteHey Rowan.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to second both David's and Paul's comments. Put yourself out there, and then wait to see what he needs/wants. Don't become too pushy. And I totally understand what Paul means about hearing the same thing over and over. It's nice that people care, but the words lose meaning. After my grandpa died, I heard it all the damn time. And it was nice, but I hated it when people said that. I was really surprised and happy though when my friend showed up and took me out for a while. We just hung out, and it was a nice distraction. Then we started talking, and it helped a lot. None of the forced, trying to be nice crap. Just straight up friendship. But that's just me.
As long as he knows you're there for him, that's all you can really do for now. Time will tell.
Be well.
143
_Kevin
Yeh, i had a feeling Bryan wouldn't be in today and he wasn't.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments tho, im just gonna be there and make myself available unless things drastically change. Of course, each person's grieving is different so who knows what could happen...
I think it's important to say very little other than "I'm here for you - however you need me". Sometimes people want to talk, other times they just want to sit there with a good friend - I did that once with a teen who lost his best friend, watched him fall and die. We spent 4 hours just sitting on his bed with him not saying a word. But when he finally did, it was with a smile on his face as he said "thanks, I just needed you to be there."
ReplyDeleteYou'll be fine...just go with the flow and let him lead.
Peace <3
Jay