These Easter holidays, which are about at an end, have not been very active and outgoing for me in particular but my word have they been fecking eventful. Perhaps life-changing if you want to go that far.
Let's see, i've realised the truth about Bryan and had him stay at my house. While it wasn't the best night and while its still hard to contend with that all we can be is friends, i can at least work on getting over it and looking elsewhere...
The other part of this eventful couple of weeks was my dad knowing im gay. There's a bit of backstory to it.
I guess is starts last Monday... Tuesday?
I was having a pretty bad day and felt like hell to the point i was (and i will admit) in tears. I even took the dog for a walk and found somewhere secluded just so i could be out of the house a bit but never mind that...
I came back in and just lay in bed and mum came in knowing something wasn't quite right. So we talked, quite a heavy talk, and while i didn't actually mention Bryan im thinking she got the jist. To be honest, i think she actually thinks Bryan is gay and that we fell out or something when he was round. I neither confirmed or denied this.
Anyhoo, my dad came home from work to find us like this and i just pretended i was ill but he clearly knew i wasn't and he said, while watching the golf Masters later that night, that he doesn't like people, in his own family especially, keeping secrets from him.
All the time im thinking i know it isnt fair on you but i can't fucking tell you!
So, it was on Thursday that shit really went down, just before i wrote my 200th post.
Mum and dad were arguing, which frankly isn't too uncommon at the minute.
Anyhoo, mum came up to my room once again and we had another little chat. She revealed that dad knew im gay. How it came about was quite strange and im still a little suspicious about it in all honesty but it turns out my dad has known since about February when another argument took place.
Apparently it all kicked off about keeping secrets and stuff like that. Allegedly, dad was giving off the impression that i had actually told him as well and so mum was like, "Oh you know?" which lead my dad to say, "Well, i guessed but now you've pretty much confirmed it"
Thanks mum...
But that is a positive thing in a way. Look at it, my dad has known since February and there have been no repercussions, no words said or anything so... yay i guess. Id still have preferred to tell him on my own terms but never mind :/
After all this was revealed, mum went down to finish her "discussion" and then not long after dad came up. I was not looking forward to this but he basically said what my mum said on the day, "I dont care if you're an axe-wielding murderer, i'll still defend you to the death,"
Anyway, what followed was nearly a two hour long discussion about, really... life.
All sorts of things were covered: religion, music even, loads of stuff. Even some truths my dad revealed about some things that i'd honestly have preferred he didn't mention but never the mind. In all honesty, it was probably the funniest serious conversation i've ever had and ever will have. I mean, i was nervous at the start but i gradually got more comfortable.
It's still weird tho and of course i wouldn't call it an enjoyable experience but the fact that my dad knows now and hasn't made a big deal of it (at least to me he hasn't) makes me feel a bit more at ease. I always imagined a much different reaction, (a negative one) one that would come in a few years and not now which is where im annoyed.
Mum says she didn't betray my trust and while i agree she didn't, i was still outed and im not comfortable with that, id have liked to have made that decision on my own regardless of what my dad thought.
In the end, my dad said what he did the other night about not liking secrets being kept and i said what i was thinking that night. I also told him it isn't the easiest thing to talk about but there you go. I know he'd like me to talk to him a bit more but i still don't see it happening. Im honestly not great at opening up unless i really have to, and i did on Monday/Tuesday night to my mum and to a certain extent on Thursday as well.
I have a sneaking suspicion about my dad. He wants to be there for his kids, which i completely understand coz thats what a parent should be and i respect that. However, i think he is driven by the fact that his dad wasn't really there for him a lot and actually died when he was 14 so i see it as him trying to better his dad. Y'know giving his kids what he never had - a better childhood. Although id hardly say mine was ever brilliant in any case but never mind.
On the whole, these past few weeks have been mind-bending and the aftermath equally so. Even as i type this out, recent events haven't quite settled in. I still do, and always will, find Bryan mega-hot but maybe with the knowledge that he isn't gay, my attraction might die down. In a sad way, i hope it does coz then i can forget about it and look to pastures new.
As for the whole situation with my dad... Well, when i came out to my mum it took a few weeks to settle in completely. Every time i looked at her i immediately thought, "holy shit, she knows" and thats the way it is with my dad even now. I've a feeling it might take longer with my dad coz he had a harder, more traditional upbringing. It's not like he's a massive, scary "man's man" but he has a different mentality to my mum so its a bit different in that respect. He is still, by all accounts, a very loving, family-oriented man. I hope im converying what i want to there...
Regardless, at least now its out the way i can try and focus on my exams. With the past few weeks, i've only been able to concentrate on, and dedicate time to, homework that was actually assigned over the holidays. I've done no studying outwith that which is quite a poor show but i've had a shitload on my mind so maybe i can study a bit more now. We'll see coz apart from securing English quotes/doing timed essays and learning music concepts, i wouldn't say i've a lot to do. It's just when i hear all my friends have been studying for 4/5 hours a day, i go on a guilt trip.
Anyway, i've went on enough and if you've read this far then i congratulate and thank you :P
Rowan <3
juiceboys *2524
1 week ago
Well, you weren't in control of events with Bryan and your dad, but, as you say, you've got to the point where you're out to your dad and you know about Bryan, so now you can carry on with your life without having to worry about those items. Of course there is sadness that Bryan will never feel the way you have felt about him, but I do believe that in time you can come to feel about him the way he feels about you. But it will take time. You can't expect your feelings to change overnight. So be patient with yourself. Let yourself cry when you have to. But also keep reminding yourself that he can be a good friend.
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
*hugs*
And good luck on the exams.
Rowan,
ReplyDeleteIt's not always a good thing to be outed the way you were, but at least you know, now, that he knows. That absolutely has to be a load off your mind, and just think about it, he's one less person to hide from. Now you can be you 100% (well, or as much as any teen is to his parents), and like a good father should, he has reassured you that it doesn't change his love for you one iota.
It's also good that it seems it has opened doors, and allowed you to be frank and open with your parents, something I have never been able to do, including when my family was talking about games children aren't allowed to play any more, and my brother-in-law blurts out "and I guess that includes 'smear the queer'". I've never come as close to spontaneously hitting someone in my life. I almost shouted out, "so you want to smear me?!" But thought the better of it. Wouldn't you say, all in all, that it's been a positive thing?
As to Bryan, no platitudes. You've covered it. And yes, it's supposed to hurt, but teens do tend to move on.
Go revise. HAHAHAHAHA, yeah, I sound like a parent, sorry...you'll do well, and now that so much has happened, you can change mindsets and get the other stuff done.
Well cool, dude.
Peace <3
Jay
Hello Rowan
ReplyDeleteThe way your dad found out about you wasn't ideal, but at least, as you say, he knows and seems to have been able to accept it, which is a better outcome than many in a similar situation have had to face.
As for secrets within a family, it is a potentially very damaging scenario. I'm firmly in that position, in that I'm not 'out' to my wife, although I am to my daughter. All sorts of issues of trust, guilt and uncertainty are swirling around all the time, along with the knowledge that a single slip could bring the whole edifice crashing down around my ears. It's much better to talk about things if you can, but I know from my own experience that isn't always possible.
Love & best wishes
Sammy B
I read the whole thing rowan always do .
ReplyDeleteI think deep down your relived your dad has worked out you were gay your mum just confirmed it.don't get mad hear mate but I think it would have been years before you told dad yourself .so now you have nothing to hide from mum and dad its no more a big secret .
I came out to mum and dad at 16 and I think we have had 2 discussions about me being gay that's 1 a year hopefully your mum and dad will respect you more and gone are the days of your dads gay comments hopefully .
Rowan I think you're doing fine.
ReplyDeleteJust slowly bring your mental record up to date and adjust to these new circumstances with B and with your Dad (even your Mum). Try not to keep playing over the scenarios - it's done and dusted.
Both your parents seem to be trying their hardest to reassure you and tell you that they're with you and are OK about you being gay and the rest.
Just try to cool it a bit coz it could all be an whole lot worse - and it isn't.
Really it's probably then time to get to grips with those other work things you mentioned - there's only a certain amount of time to get it organised now - and the sooner you get on with it the less chance you'll have for wishing you'd started earlier!
Rowan,
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're coming to terms with it well, or as well as could be expected. And you seem to be getting good advice and comfort from the others here.
Where human and especially family variables are concerned we rarely get to control them so they come out precisely the way we planned, but this one seems to be working out better than the scenarios a lot of young men experience.
In my experience, I came out at a time and place of my choosing, at 19. First to my mom, then an hour or so later, to my dad. I figured I could count on them to be circumspect. And I reinforced that by telling them NOT to tell anyone else. But within one hour my dad had told my dear, sweet, sainted grandmother (his mom). And I heard (from the other side of a wall) that sweet, but confused and disappointed Christian lady say to him, "We have to do something...before he finds a man." I was so outraged at dad for doing that, especially after I had expressly told him not to, that I didn't know what to do.
I never spoke to my grandma about it, but it always bothered me that she knew, that she would always have to have that in her mind about one of her grandkids. And that it was something that we would never be able to have an informed conversation about, as it was a subject that was utterly out of any frame of reference she would have had. It was the same with my parents as well, but I figured they should know from me rather than anyone else, which was the only reason I told them.
So you can see from my experience, that even "controlling all the variables" up till the last minute and coming out the way one wants and at a time and place of ones choosing, STILL can spin totally out of control. I planned that for months, and it still went in a direction that I never imagined, in one hour or less. On top of that I had to endure multiple strained talks after that, especially from my dad. I wasn't then, and am not now, ashamed of my sexuality, however I see no point in talking about it to someone who is inherently and irreversibly against it either.
It sounds like, so far, your experience has been better than mine, even though you weren't able to control the timing. I think this will mostly work out well, as your folks adjust to it.
Till next time, G
Rowan,
ReplyDeleteSound like you're doing as well as you can, and your parents sound like they're pretty cool.
Could be a lot worse.
:-)
-Andy
Ummm....I want to say something here....
ReplyDeleteUhh.....I'm going to go with yay.
I know it's not how you wanted it to happen, but at least it's over. And he reacted well, which is good. Just like with your mom it'll be awkward at first, but then things will return to normal, and he'll be yelling at you to take out the garbage, and you'll be yelling hell no! Or whatever normal is for you guys:-P
Hope you're well!
143
_Kevin
I understand that you wanted to tell him in your own time. But at least it is out of the way now he knows and he has not had a bad reaction that is my biggest fear about my Dad finding out. I am sure you will catch up with your studies now some of the pressure with Brian and your Dad has died down a bit. Good Luck
ReplyDeleteDave