Out to All

It's been a very busy few days indeed. With the exception of last night, I haven't slept well since Wednesday.

Thursday night I was really excited for PROMetheus so I only got a few hours sleep.

Really enjoyed the film, though.

Prom was... ok. Not quite my gig but at least I got to look amazing in my suit.

Though afterwards, we all went back to Melly's and got considerably drunk.

Next day, I stayed at Nicholas' house because he's just round the corner and the day after that, yesterday now, there was another party!

By this time, I was drained from the past few days, only had a few drinks and got an early taxi home.

I usually stay when he throws a party but not this time.

Just bringing you up to speed but now to the all important bit...

After seeing Prometheus on Friday, I thought it would be a good idea to go back and watch all the Alien films. My brother, who is younger to clear confusion, heard I was doing it and wanted in as well.

Must have started about 11am and finished at 8 or something. It was getting tedious towards the end. 3 and Resurrection are pretty crap.

But it was at the end of Resurrection that the thought came to me that it would be a good time to just say to my brother so indeed I did.

I waited until it finished, basically sat there and said, "I've got something to tell you", with that usual nervous feeling you get during these situations.

"Mhmmm"

"... I like guys"

"... Ok, that's fine"

Then I told him I'd wanted to say for a while coz he's my brother, I trust him and thought it would be good for him to know before I turned 18 but I've been gauging a reaction.

I think I almost offended him because he went, "Pfff, me? Nah, no way. Doesn't matter to me"

But then he told me he'd heard something about it before from a friend of his at school who has a brother in my year. Seemingly, news spread to this guys' brother who passed it on and news filtered through to my brother. 

I don't really care but jeez.

Anyway, I suppose it's better for me to tell my brother up front than have him hearing little bits and pieces of gossip flying about the place.

But at the end of the day, there we have it; what is probably my final big coming out :)

I've come quite a long way, looking back. Lauren, mum, dad, Josh, Melly, friends, my brother - That's the order.

I do have a younger sister but I don't think it'll be quite the same. I hope with her, she'll just come to understand as she gets older.

I don't want to get up on my high horse and get all dramatic about this (though I've never been great at avoiding that) but I would never have had the confidence without this blog which has seen and recorded every single time I've came out to someone. Now there's something.

Gaining confidence to tell all these people has been the one of, if not the main purpose from the very first post and now that purpose feels fulfilled.

 

No one knew when I started this blog, but now... pretty much everyone knows and I do have one of the oddest senses of achievement from it.

I can only say how much it means to have had people here to share it all with and help me through it.

Rowan <3

Oh, Brother

Recently I've been thinking a lot about coming out to my brother. Well, I've thought about it for months but more so in the past few days.

I'd like to get it out the way before I'm 18. That way, he knows and so do my parents and I think it would do me good peace of mind.


I don't think he'd have any problem with it. I often walk into his room and he's watching clips of The Daily Show or The Colbert Report. I mean how more liberal does it get? :P

And he's not even American of course.

Then there was the other week after Obama came out in support of same-sex marriage (praise the man) that my brother went, "Obama is such a legend"

I've often wondered if he was gay! No, I kid. I actually quite doubt it.

Also, I fear that my parents wouldn't be able to handle two gay kids... idk I'm getting off-topic now.

Back on-topic: I want to tell my brother because obviously, he's my brother and I trust him a lot and he doesn't deserve it to be kept from him.

I think it would be fine and I'd hope so. I've never actually had a bad coming out experience.

Scratch that, I've never had a coming out experience where the other person acted displeased. Coming out to my mum was honestly not something I'd want to go through again but how and ever.


Also, today is a really big day. One I've dubbed "PROMetheus" because my most anticipated film of the year - Prometheus - is released and later today I have my prom.

I'm going to see Prometheus with my brother actually, and perhaps a few other people. Literally leaving after this.

Prom is later. A British prom isn't quite like an American one I think. It's not really "bring a date" unless you really wanted to. It's more just one last big social gathering of the school year group so I'm quite forward to it :)

One last big hurrah.


Anyway, of course I'll post any news with regards to my brother but I have to dash now for Prometheus. Cannot wait.


Rowan <3

School

So I write this on the eve of my last ever term at high school.

It's a strange thought.

Everything I've known and the structure I've been used to for the past 13 years is fast approaching it's end.

May 1st is the final day before study leave I think, meaning my last subject would be PE... great. However, there's talk going round that the final day is May 4th, meaning my last subject would be music. How fitting. I'd prefer that to be honest!

But the last time I'm sat in a class will be for my Italian exam on 25th May and the last time I'll be in school properly is June 14th for graduation by which time I'll be 18. Again, fitting.


I have mixed feelings about leaving which is what's persuaded me to blog about it. It marks a huge step in life, in my opinion. It kind of even marks the end of childhood in a way - at least not youth, I still have a few years of that - leaving school, going off into the big, bad world...

Of course, as a gay person I might be expected to be overjoyed about finally leaving that "rotting stinkhole that's repressed me for the past 6 years" but fortunately, that hasn't really been the case. There have been elements of it, yes. I've never felt comfortable enough to come out in school. If I had then maybe I would be referring to it as a rotting stinkhole. but since I haven't came out in school, I haven't had it very hard (though that's not to say if I did, I would've had a bad time, who knows) I've hung about with good people, mostly, and done my best to avoid the bad.

I'm just thinking what I would actually have missed out on if it wasn't for school.

Without school I would never have have known how to play bass, guitar or drums, I would never have went to Wembley, Reading or Leeds to see Muse, I would never have went on a fantastic football trip to Valencia and I certainly wouldn't have met the friends I have right now. Friends I can definitely say I'm happy with.

However, I had to take it into my own hands to find these friends. As I've said before, the people I used to hang about with, I'm still friendly with but my group now, I knew their attitudes were a lot more similar to mine which is why I joined them in the first place.

Then there's the whole thing with Stephen, who was a good friend of mine for 2 years... Without school, I wouldn't have met him and as I said, I wouldn't have had one of the best weekends of my life. Exactly the same story with Bryan.

At least he's going to the same university as me but a lot of folk going separate ways over the summer so the next 2 and a bit weeks may be the last time I see a lot of people. Others, like Josh, aren't moving away but are going to a different university so I also don't think I'll be seeing them a lot after the summer ends.

But yes, I have a lot to be thankful for at my school but one thing I will miss about it most is the music department. Nearly every teacher in that department is so kind and great fun and if there's one class I'm going to miss, it's music. Music is the only class I've had for the full 6 years of high school (excluding the likes of RE) so it's going to be quite a heavy hit for it to just suddenly stop. Our class is actually, hopefully, going to chip in to buy our teacher a bottle of whiskey! It's my suggestion. I love him and respect him so much. He's been my teacher for 4 of the 6 years I've studied music.


Leaving school isn't just about leaving high school, though. There was always primary school before that. I could sit and get nostalgic about it for hours but I won't. Just a few things I will mention, again, about friends. In fact this is before school, in nursery, where I first met Alex and a girl in my year and they have been the longest standing friends of my life, 14 years, so it will be strange not seeing them often, even if they both do just live round the corner.

They went to the same primary school but so did Louis, and luckily enough he IS going to the same university as me, and actually will be getting the same bus there as me. That's one thing I can be happy about, and I hope our friendship will continue. It may certainly end up being one of my oldest.


I said earlier in the post I've never been comfortable enough to come out at school. For 6 years I've wondered what it would be like, though and I've come to the realisation that I might just experience that in the next few weeks. After telling that roomful of people I'm gay at Nicholas' party, I doubt the news stayed there so I guess there will be a fair amount of people who do know.

I can honestly say I don't care. Two weeks is nothing. Living the dream :P


To make this relevant now, to the blog itself, which has almost been like a diary of my past 2/3 years at school and who knows how my education might have gone without it, and the people to help me when I couldn't speak to my own parents, my own family, my own friends.

This blog has accompanied me for the past 2+ years at school, and I'd say it has at least given me easier path to walk down.

There are many thoughts I have currently about leaving school, some more melancholy than happy in fact.
I'll be happy to leave the routine system but I will miss it as well because I'm used to it, I'll miss some teachers, I'll miss a lot of friends and just chatting with them in between classes, I'll miss sitting down to have lunch at our table, I'll miss music. I'll miss a lot. A lot of small things as well.

I know I'm going to get quite emotional on the final day. I can predict it now. As I sit here typing, I'm feeling it a bit and I can just tell. I'm about to take a huge step I don't know if I want it to yet. The thought of university and the whole world is genuinely quite a frightening prospect right now but it's probably just because I'm so used to this current system.

I'd actually go as far to say that as much as school bores me, I feel comfortable with it. It's the age old situation really. I'm just afraid of the unknown. Those in the lower years know what's ahead of them for the next few years but I don't.

I sound like a stuck record but it's like a goodbye to the past 13 years. That's huge.

While these final few weeks might be packed full of revision, tests and course work, I'm going to make the best of the things I know I'm going to miss right up until the second that school bell rings out for the very last time.


Rowan <3


RIP the 96 Liverpool fans who died on this day in 1989 in Hillsborough. You'll Never Walk Alone.

PUUUULLLLLL!

As is becoming the trend, Nicholas' parents were away over the holidays/Spring Break/whatever you want to call it.

And as is also becoming the trend, when that happens, a party also does. And I have to say, this was quite a big night. A lot happened for me, anyway.

I went round the night before with Josh to get things organised coz this party had been talked about for months. We hired a bouncy castle and got it set up the night before, then some other friends showed up with some Jagermeister and we got a little drunk and had some Domino's xD

Good times.

The next day, people started arriving about 3/4pm but we were courteous enough not to start drinking till mostly everyone had arrived. I had a full crate of beer and there was all sorts going around: Vodka, gin, wine, Jager, cider, sours. You name, we had it. Since the party was so big, we needed to get a lot and most had chipped in at least a tenner.

This was a bit different from any other time I've been drunk. I had quite a lot before I felt it. 3/4 Jagers, 3 beers, some apple sours (which are lovely btw) but then it suddenly hit me. Odd.

Apart from the previous night, I had never had Jager before but we started with Jagerbombs - You get a shot of Jager, some energy drink in a glass then on the count of three everyone drops the Jager in the glass and you down it in one.

Have to say, it feels like a right party when that stuff is about. Feels like even more of a party when there are disco lights and deadmau5 is playing while it happens :P

And in the room that occurred, there must have been about 10 people and I... err... came out to them all.

FUCK YOU, ALCOHOL. WHY DO YOU MAKE ME DO THIS.

But nah, as far as I remember everyone was fine about it and Melly went, "Ahh I'm so proud of you"

Soooo, I doubt what I said will remain in that room meaning that I might as well be out to my whole year at school. Whatever though. There are 2 weeks left after the holidays so fuck dem and da police.

But maybe even better than coming out to a roomful of people who were cool about it was when I pulled a guy \o/

We'll call him... Jon?

I pulled (snogged, kissed, whatever) Jon in front of like, half a dozen people. Whoops - again, fuck da police. I seem to remember going in for it. I think I said, "imagine if we pulled" and then he asked if I wanted to and I was just like, "Ok" xD
And I don't remember if that or the following happened first but we also had a really deep chat on a bed somewhere and he told me he's on anti-depressants and has attempted suicide before and I told him I used to have thoughts like that and we started crying and we hugged and it was just really weird and then someone rudely interrupted us.

Then I got all depressed, threw up and passed out, ending my night there.

Totally worth it, though.

But it has made me concerned about Jon. I found his Tumblr and what's on there has made me worry for him. I don't know if many people know about what he told me but I'm going to keep an eye out for him because he is a pretty good friend and I don't want to see any harm come his way, of course.
Btw, he isn't gay, as far as he claims. He's said that he finds some guys attractive but wouldn't go out with one. Fair enough but it's a shame... because I would.
Though that isn't why I'm concerned about him. I can empathise with how he feels and as I said, he's a good friend.


I stayed another night at Nicholas' after the party where more pizza was had and the previous few days of binging, both on drink and food, caught up with me which is why I probably didn't go home. Though I helped clean up and it took a while even with 5 of us but we eventually got it done and I left the next morning.

Since then I've just been sitting around the house, watching Game of Thrones and getting my strength back before tomorrow night where a load of us are going to see Life of Brian on the big screen (lucky us) then remaining in town till 3am where we'll got to KFC, dressed really smartly and order some chicken.
Might be quite a late night since trains and buses stop running at midnight and start again at 6. We may be stranded in town for quite some time and on a Friday night, that could be quite treacherous.

But it'll be an adventure, and hopefully a good night.

There's all the latest I guess. Peace, I'm outies.


Rowan <3

Part-ay

Last night was Nicholas' party and i'm not going to lie, I wasn't really looking forward to it.

Was mostly that i was still in bed at 2pm, it was raining and i still had to get ready and everything. But after i did all that, i felt nervous about going because I knew Kev was going to be there and I knew that when he was drunk, he would try something.

Such a thing never materialised but the whole thing turned into quite a riot.

Must have been about 20 people there at one point, at least half of them drunk. I was kinda in-between in all honesty, but got drunk later on - a late bloomer. Melly got everyone's requests in so the party didn't really start till she got there but when she did, i just didn't feel in the mood.

Loads of people just tore straight into the vodka but i hate the stuff so i just had a few quiet beers and talked to the sober people. Around this point, i found myself in a room with a few people and Susan was there as well and somehow the conversation turned to me and about how i've never had a girlfriend.
Fucking joy.

Susan was all hinty like, "It's not as if you haven't had offers"

All the while i was playing guitar and pretending i wasn't bothered and someone said, "It just amazes me you haven't been out with anyone"

I somehow passed it off and the conversation disappeared but then Melly came over for a chat, a good old private chat. She seen me struggling through the conversation and asked me if there were any guys i did like. Now by this time, i'd had a few more trips to the fridge so was a bit more drunk. Not as drunk as i have previously been but drunk enough for things to happen and say that i normally wouldn't.

I ended up telling her i've been practically in love with Bryan but that i'm just about giving it up because he clearly doesn't like guys. We then went into the "secret room" as i dubbed it (Nicholas' bedroom as it's where i first came out to Melly and Josh - weird huh?)
And in return she told me that she really fancied some guy at the party. Can't remember the fine details.

But the biggest shock of my night was when she went, "I had a dream about you the other night"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, you threw me up against a wall and started kissing me"

*awkward silence*

"I know you're gay but i was wondering what that would actually be like..."

*even more awkward silence*

Then she approached me... and kissed me... and i kissed her back. Must have been a good 15/20 seconds at least.

Afterwards - "Yeh, lets not tell anyone about that. Not even Josh. It stays in the secret room". We laughed and then went our separate ways.

I cannot explain how I allowed for that to happen. Firstly, she's a good friend so it shouldn't have happened and secondly, i'm fucking gay so it just totally baffles me. I'm not even attracted to her in the slightest! I can only blame the drink.

But the drama doesn't stop there, oh no! -http://inception.davepedu.com/

Even more happened in the secret room. Not long after that... meeting with Melly than was i back in there on my own with Susan. It all came out... but I didn't.

I told her basically, that i'm sorry i don't feel the same way for her as she does for me. I just never said till now because i can't stand disappointing people. She told me she pretty much figured out already but it was good to finally hear it so i was pleased at least. I just sat with my arm around her for a few minutes while she told me about some guy who does fancy her but she doesn't feel the same way.

I'm sitting like, "Now you know how i felt!" haha

I just said some nice reassuring things to her because she felt bad and i think she was better after that so we left the room. Well, i did. Kev burst in on us and i was thinking, "Oh, here we go" but i managed to leave and Kev and Susan had more than a little chat, if you get me.


Christ. Drink does the strangest things. Probably should have been me that stayed in that room while Susan left. It's what i would have expected at the start of the night.

Anyhow, the conclusion to this crazy story is that Melly and I ended up walking the guy who fancies Susan to the end of the road because he was leaving early.
Basically, things came full circle because i ended up chatting with all three of the people concerned in this drama: Melly, Susan, and the guy who fancies Susan.

I'm sorry this probably makes no sense to anyone reading this. It barely makes sense to me but it's helping me figure out exactly what the situation is :P

After he got picked up, Melly asked, "So did our kiss change anything or have i not managed to sway you at all?"

"Nope, sorry. Still gay", I laughed and we went back to the house to find more than 4 people had thrown up. I took this as my hint not to have any more or else i'd end up like them.

People cleared out not long after that but i was staying overnight so i helped a few of the sick people find a bed - i had sobered up mostly by this time.

I ended up in a bed with Josh and neither of us could sleep so there was banter to be had and he somehow found out about Kev and Susan doing stuff so we laughed about that.

That gaming marathon still has us fecked though. We were both still awake at 7am before we drifted off.
There are still things i want to talk to him about though and i don't know if i should tell him about Melly and I. I feel he deserves to know since they're best friends but maybe some things are better left unsaid.
I'll play that one by ear.

Anyway, i know this post has been disjointed. But that's what parties are like for ya!

In summary:
- Melly knows i fancy/fancied Bryan. The first person who does know about that. Oh, i also told her that i came out to him as well and she was happy for me so yay \o/
- Melly and I kissed.
- Finally resolved things with Susan without actually coming out to her... maybe i should've...
- Found out extra stuff about Melly and Susan that will probably crop back up in the near future.
- I didn't throw up like i usually do when i'm drunk xD

All in all, i can't really tell if it was a good night or not but i'll take it as it was.

Ciao for now.

I'm beginning to like that phrase ^^


Rowan <3


P.S There's probably things I've forgotten to put in this post that i'll remember after i publish it but there's already enough going on here so i'll just leave it there :P

Bryan's Second Stayover

"im comfortable enough for Josh to know i'm gay but i've no intention of telling Bryan." - Me, July 27th 2011.


That kinda changed last night, and without the influence of alcohol.


I'm afraid i'll be called a cop out again as the word "gay" did not feature and "bi" did instead but as it usually is with coming out to someone (in my experience so far) it can be rather difficult, and sometimes awkward but that goes without saying.


Also, with Bryan, i've never been too sure where the ground lay with him so i didn't throw myself right in at the deep end but he's actually perfectly fine with it, or so it seems :D




Anyway, this stayover was certainly better than the 1st. We picked Bryan up in the car and I swear, the first time i seen him i almost melted! His hair is quite some length but even though it's quite messy it really suits him! We picked him up because he was bringing his guitar and amp with him.


Didn't use it much but we played a few Muse excerpts together. I've really got him into Muse now. He's bought his own copy of Origin of Symmetry which also changed an opinion i held in my last post that going to Reading and Leeds with Bryan might not be as exciting as it once seemed.


I'm thinking it will be, he really surprised me with his knowledge of the album. I was grinning like a Cheshire cat.


Also, this time i didn't throw up \o/ (some achievement, eh?)


But once again, i still had no appetite when it came to dinner. My dad cooked some lovely chilli that i barely touched coz i didn't want to be spewing again :/ Bryan loved it however. 
Just like last time, I dunno why i had no appetite again. I felt fine before it and then after it when we walked the dog down to the park, although my asthma came on a bit.


Yeah, i'm probably going to spontaneously combust any second now :P




I tried to coerce Bryan into watching Alien because he hasn't seen it before and he isn't a great horror fan but that wasn't happening so when i found he hadn't watched much Billy Connolly, i stuck a dvd on which we were both howling at. He's probably my favourite comedian, in truth.


The hours, after that, ran away as they usually do and i got the old air mattress out for Bryan and we just sat talking for ages and this is the juicy part of the story.


From the vantage point on my bed, i could see right up Bryan's top (uNF) Oh, the sights you see!
Just thought i'd mention that...


The juicyness began when i told him the whole show about Rose and Susan and he laughed about how i'd become such a "womaniser" in the space of a month. I then told him, of course, that i didn't fancy either and he asked if there really was anyone i was interested in...


Ololol. I just replied, "not really". I couldn't exactly just say, "Yeah, you!" could I!?


He said pretty much the same thing - that he wasn't interested in anyone (and also, was to lazy to be arsed going out with someone, lulz) when i asked him but then we delved into the past and also, previous dealings with alcohol.


By this time, i'd made my mind up that i was going to tell him what happened with Josh and Melly. Dunno why, just decided i would.


His previous experiences with alcohol involved snogging a group of random girls when he was really out of it a few years back. He didn't say who but it wasn't what i really wanted to hear :P


I told him about Susan's party, made the same joke on here that i'd be tempted to go out with her just because her parents are so awesome and then told him about when i got drunk at Nicholas's house.


I came out with it eventually, coz the conversation kept going off in tangents about alcohol making you do strange things etc. (completely true as well) So i was slowly but surely edging my way towards the moment >.<


I said to Bryan that when i was drunk, i told Josh and Melly some things that i probably wouldn't have if i was sober and played the old, "Well, it isn't fair for me to say that to you and not to tell you now", so Bryan's like, "Ok, what is it?" and i just said, "I hope this sits alright with you... i'm bi"


"Really?"


"Yah"


"Ahh, ok man"


I told him i'd been wanting to tell a few close friends recently and i just wasn't sure where the ground lay with him. He said it didn't bother him though but asked when i "decided" and i just said, "Well, i didn't decide, it's just the way i am"
He questioned how long i'd known and i told him a few years now.


He just said it was cool and that he wouldn't be running and telling anyone. Made me quite le pleased but the over-analytical side in me made me question his word choice of "decided"
I was just worried he thought that sexuality was a choice but he didn't mean it like that and agreed that it's just the way people are born.


I thanked him for being understanding and he said it was no big deal coz he knew it was probably not an easy thing to tell someone. "Not that i would know" he joked and that made me want to push further and ask him some more stuff but i decided not to - If there was a moment for Bryan to confide his sexuality it was then, but as he didn't, you've gotta just take that as him not having anything to confide, something that i'm rather confident of at this point :P




Now. You can call me a cop out if you so desire but as i've said before any step forward is a good step and if you want the absolute honest truth, i don't really feel ready to be openly gay to everyone yet. Maybe in a year or so, but not at this moment in time, apart from Josh who probably knows. That's just the way i feel about it right now.


Anyway, last night was a good night, I was able to tell Bryan what i did, had a good laugh with him and evenutally managed to exchange the Reading and Leeds tickets for the money he owed me xD


I'm certainly looking forward to Reading and Leeds more now after having Bryan round. Probably coz everything is finally in place and all we have to do is wait. 25 days!


The only worrying factor is Bryan's paranoia about the migraines he is prone to. If one was to pop up that weekend then there is like 0% chance that he'd be able to go. Loud noises and flashing lights apparently don't do it much good so let's just hope that he can handle Leeds and will be all good for Reading as well.


After months of waiting, we're on the home stretch now, and i'm looking forward to a great weekend with a friend i certainly feel a bit closer to now! :)




Rowan <3




P.S Apparently the film people have sent emails out to people they want to be extras for the film and i didn't get one :(
The dates would actually have suited me and my busy schedule :P
But never mind, i'm not too fussed. The film is called World War Z btw, and they've been looking for extras in various towns and cities in Britain. Meh.

Help?

This isn't the next post i had in mind but my need for help has only developed over the past few hours. It is an issue i'm sure many, or at least some, gay guys experience... having girls fancy them.

Im quite flattered that not one, but two different girls are seemingly interested in me. Lets me know i'm not completely hideous!

The thing is, both are rather close friends which just ups the awkwardness to unbearable levels.

First, there is Susan who i usually walk to the train with after school and see her at break/lunchtime etc.
Then there is Rose. The previous time i mentioned her was when i was talking about her being a lesbian. Well, it appears not now. I also see her at breaks and lunchtime.

It all came about on Facebook (as it usually does) Rose was asking if i wanted to go to the cinema tomorrow to which i tried to say no in the nicest way i could. I hate rejecting people but there's already a big meet planned tomorrow at someone's house so i wasn't changing my plans. She couldn't seem to accept it and got upset so i started to feel bad.

Susan, in her wisdom, managed to sense this and talked to me through private messages. She pretty much revealed that Rose is interested in me, even if i've had the feeling that she does for over a month a now, she confirmed it. She said, "Rose is trying to make it into some sort of competition". To which i replied, "With who?"
Only for Susan to say, "Me"

As with Rose, i had a slight feeling that Susan was interested in me, too, but now i know. The cat is out of the bag. But when she said it i had that old Bruce Willis moment. The one where he's in a really crap situation but starts to laugh anyway, in despair.

I basically replied saying that i am flattered but need time to think and still want to remain friends no mater what. Which is, in fact, the truth.

But the awkward situation remains... I'm still gay. Oh, Josh knows that both Rose and Susan fancy me as well so how will it look to people that know if i turn down the advances of two girls?

It basically screams, "LOOK AT ME, I'M A HOMO!!!" With rainbows decorating the words and fairies dancing around in their thousands.

As i said, there's a big meet tomorrow at a friends' house. Susan will be there, not sure about Rose but avoiding the situation won't do any good. It'll be awkward but i will need to tell BOTH that i don't feel the same way. I could barely turn down going to the cinema, so i don't know how i'm going to justify rejecting going out with them. (I hate that word - reject. *shivers* It's so cruel)

Susan already suspects i'm gay, not gonna lie about it, All of us were at the park the other day. It was lovely, the sun was out and spirits were high. Anyway, twice, Susan asked me twice, "Are you gay?" in front of at least 7 other people. I hate when she does that, it's so annoying. She's asked me before just between us and i've managed to deflect it which only raises suspicions and i did so again at the park which only raises the suspicions of EVERYONE.

Fuck, i'm not ready to be out to EVERYONE.

Really.

And that's where the situation is so awful. When (not if) i reject Susan, she will automatically assume i'm gay. Josh probably will. Susan's close friends - probably the same. Rose, probably as well. With that many people with that knowledge in a high school environment it is going to spread like *wildfire*

Dayum. It's closing in. I'm just thinking. I'm probably not going to be able to live as "straight me" for much longer. "Bisexual me" seems like a long way off as well. "Gay me" is popping his head way out of the closet and screaming, "IT'S TIME"

It could, and i think is quite likely to happen tomorrow. There's supposed to be alcohol involved so perhaps i could just get so completely drunk that i don't give a flying shit. Either way, i think it could. I'm not going to avoid it. I'll brave it, for some reason. Why put it off?


A penny for you guys' thoughts? Please, i need something, anything :/


Rowan <3

Out to My Dad

These Easter holidays, which are about at an end, have not been very active and outgoing for me in particular but my word have they been fecking eventful. Perhaps life-changing if you want to go that far.

Let's see, i've realised the truth about Bryan and had him stay at my house. While it wasn't the best night and while its still hard to contend with that all we can be is friends, i can at least work on getting over it and looking elsewhere...

The other part of this eventful couple of weeks was my dad knowing im gay. There's a bit of backstory to it.

I guess is starts last Monday... Tuesday?
I was having a pretty bad day and felt like hell to the point i was (and i will admit) in tears. I even took the dog for a walk and found somewhere secluded just so i could be out of the house a bit but never mind that...

I came back in and just lay in bed and mum came in knowing something wasn't quite right. So we talked, quite a heavy talk, and while i didn't actually mention Bryan im thinking she got the jist. To be honest, i think she actually thinks Bryan is gay and that we fell out or something when he was round. I neither confirmed or denied this.
Anyhoo, my dad came home from work to find us like this and i just pretended i was ill but he clearly knew i wasn't and he said, while watching the golf Masters later that night, that he doesn't like people, in his own family especially, keeping secrets from him.
All the time im thinking i know it isnt fair on you but i can't fucking tell you!

So, it was on Thursday that shit really went down, just before i wrote my 200th post.
Mum and dad were arguing, which frankly isn't too uncommon at the minute.
Anyhoo, mum came up to my room once again and we had another little chat. She revealed that dad knew im gay. How it came about was quite strange and im still a little suspicious about it in all honesty but it turns out my dad has known since about February when another argument took place.
Apparently it all kicked off about keeping secrets and stuff like that. Allegedly, dad was giving off the impression that i had actually told him as well and so mum was like, "Oh you know?" which lead my dad to say, "Well, i guessed but now you've pretty much confirmed it"

Thanks mum...

But that is a positive thing in a way. Look at it, my dad has known since February and there have been no repercussions, no words said or anything so... yay i guess. Id still have preferred to tell him on my own terms but never mind :/

After all this was revealed, mum went down to finish her "discussion" and then not long after dad came up. I was not looking forward to this but he basically said what my mum said on the day, "I dont care if you're an axe-wielding murderer, i'll still defend you to the death,"

Anyway, what followed was nearly a two hour long discussion about, really... life.

All sorts of things were covered: religion, music even, loads of stuff. Even some truths my dad revealed about some things that i'd honestly have preferred he didn't mention but never the mind. In all honesty, it was probably the funniest serious conversation i've ever had and ever will have. I mean, i was nervous at the start but i gradually got more comfortable.
It's still weird tho and of course i wouldn't call it an enjoyable experience but the fact that my dad knows now and hasn't made a big deal of it (at least to me he hasn't) makes me feel a bit more at ease. I always imagined a much different reaction, (a negative one) one that would come in a few years and not now which is where im annoyed.
Mum says she didn't betray my trust and while i agree she didn't, i was still outed and im not comfortable with that, id have liked to have made that decision on my own regardless of what my dad thought.

In the end, my dad said what he did the other night about not liking secrets being kept and i said what i was thinking that night. I also told him it isn't the easiest thing to talk about but there you go. I know he'd like me to talk to him a bit more but i still don't see it happening. Im honestly not great at opening up unless i really have to, and i did on Monday/Tuesday night to my mum and to a certain extent on Thursday as well.

I have a sneaking suspicion about my dad. He wants to be there for his kids, which i completely understand coz thats what a parent should be and i respect that. However, i think he is driven by the fact that his dad wasn't really there for him a lot and actually died when he was 14 so i see it as him trying to better his dad. Y'know giving his kids what he never had - a better childhood. Although id hardly say mine was ever brilliant in any case but never mind.


On the whole, these past few weeks have been mind-bending and the aftermath equally so. Even as i type this out, recent events haven't quite settled in. I still do, and always will, find Bryan mega-hot but maybe with the knowledge that he isn't gay, my attraction might die down. In a sad way, i hope it does coz then i can forget about it and look to pastures new.
As for the whole situation with my dad... Well, when i came out to my mum it took a few weeks to settle in completely. Every time i looked at her i immediately thought, "holy shit, she knows" and thats the way it is with my dad even now. I've a feeling it might take longer with my dad coz he had a harder, more traditional upbringing. It's not like he's a massive, scary "man's man" but he has a different mentality to my mum so its a bit different in that respect. He is still, by all accounts, a very loving, family-oriented man. I hope im converying what i want to there...

Regardless, at least now its out the way i can try and focus on my exams. With the past few weeks, i've only been able to concentrate on, and dedicate time to, homework that was actually assigned over the holidays. I've done no studying outwith that which is quite a poor show but i've had a shitload on my mind so maybe i can study a bit more now. We'll see coz apart from securing English quotes/doing timed essays and learning music concepts, i wouldn't say i've a lot to do. It's just when i hear all my friends have been studying for 4/5 hours a day, i go on a guilt trip.

Anyway, i've went on enough and if you've read this far then i congratulate and thank you :P


Rowan <3

One Year Ago Today...

It has now been a year since i came out to Lauren and wow, it's flown by.

(http://dailyodoings.blogspot.com/2010/01/i-came-out.html - The original post)
(http://dailyodoings.blogspot.com/2010/02/ls-response.html - The conversation on msn between me and Lauren)


It stays fresh in my mind and i expect it will until the day i die. I even remember the exact day and time. T'was a Sunday, and i typed the words on msn at 3:55pm.
Anyone find that sad?

Well, maybe not coz it was a big fecking step for me so i guess it's only right that i remember a lot about it. That step, i think, gave me courage. Since, i've been more confident about it, most particularly in school. Im not out of course but its certainly no secret that i have no problem with gays and even a few friends probably suspect i am as well. These friends being the new friends that i took the decision to socialise with because their views and opinions matched mine a lot better than my old group's ever did.
Oh, and my mum knows too, of course :P

But none of it would have happened if i never told Lauren last year, and would also never have happened if she wasn't so awesome about it :D
Thank you so much Lauren, you're brilliant and im honestly so happy and proud (and lucky) you're my cousin, but im sure you already knew that ;)

I think for some people, certain dates on the calendar stick out and i think January 31st will be one of them for me. It was my first step out of the closet, and hopefully the first of many happy steps. The 2nd went well enough about a month ago but the time between them was awfully long. 11 months.

It'll be interesting to see how long the next one will be, not that im gonna set out to try and better the record or anything haha


Rowan <3

TwEnTy 10...

I suppose this is like a review for those who can be interested enough to read. I suppose im writing it more for myself (although your comments are still very welcome) but how can i not review and reflect over such an eventful year?


Im looking back at the review i wrote last year and some of my premonitions were right. I looked ahead to the next decade last year instead of just this year, "This decade, i will be sitting important exams (as well as this year, in fact.) I will be getting a job, possibly a career. Friends will more than likely come and go."

1. I have indeed sat important exams and thankfully done well in them
2. I don't currently have a job, or a career obviously. That one is more long term.
3. Now how about that? Well, i guess by this time last year i was already getting sick of Steven but never would i have foreseen September's events!

And here's the biggy... "And perhaps most importantly, it will be the decade in which i finally take the step out of this small and dark closet and come out myself to my friends and family."

Never in a million year would i have thought that (part of) it would have happened this year. Hence why i said decade and not year. I honestly never planned to have any friends or family know for at least another few years and that is the truth.

But it all started in January (Sunday, 31st, 3:55pm) when i came out to my cousin, Lauren.
Thankfully, she took it all so well and even now has her own blog amongst us which is definetely one of my highlights for this year.

February/March/April continued the feel good trend. I met a lot of online friends. 3 in particulary. Ummm... (dunno what to call him)... JJ... and also David and DJ.

Thinking about it, the first 4 months of this year were the best. Things were the smoothest then.


May was where it started to get rocky with the exams. Lots of stress and work but i got through it ok and i was rewarded, i guess, with June: a very good month. Birthday, beginning of summer, a family get together in the scorching summer heat of London. Another highlight i'd say, partly because it was great to see family and it was the first time id met anyone, in the flesh, that knew i was gay - Lauren, of course.
The whole event was only marred by the stupid and immature actions of a certain other cousin but never mind.


July was mainly good but the tail end was horrible. First of the month, i jetted off to Lanzarote with my mum and sister and had a great time. Came back to London for a few days and it was the last time i ever saw Grandma Knitter, who left me with "Have a good life" ... :'(

Anyhoo, end of the month. JJ was revealed for who he was... Richard. Im not going into it coz i think we all know the story but from then on and into August/September, i disconnected myself from this blogging world, the friends i had met and honestly, my home life. The whole thing left me quite fucked to put it nicely. Not even my exam results made me feel particulary good.
Mum had a long chat with me about August, too, and i almost came out to her there but i couldnt...


I was only revived by the thoughts of going to see Muse at Wembley and hopefully ending my friendship with Steven, both of which were a success. Muse was another definite highlight of my year, id say my life in fact. I will remember September 11th for the rest of my life which is something not many can say in a positive light.

Not a week later, The Pope decided to pop on over to Britain for a visit and change my social group, something i guess i should thank him for. Dunno how i would have pulled it off without his interference :P
But it was a good thing, i now socialise with people with people who's views and opinions are the same as mine, or at least, more similar.


November/December was really been me settling into this group of friends, something that has went quite well. I've got two bi friends which is epic. And hey, at this stage, gay could also mean bi... I would never come out as gay in school so why would they ever? Bi is the safer bet so they could be gay for all i know.


December was quite literally surreal. First of all, the very sad passing of Grandma Knitter, which actually was November, same night as Biffy Clyro but the funeral was in December. Queue my third trip of the year to London. It was, mostly, a very sad occasion but at least i still got to see some family while i was there, with whom, we celebrated the life of a very special person.


And of course, to round off... December 25th...

I still can't get over it. It's still strange being out to my mum and i expect thats the way it will be for a while. If you want the honest truth from me, im gonna say it, id have prefered my mum not to know for, at the very least, another year. I truly think i wasnt ready to be in this situation but here i am... openly gay to my mum.

Even typing that is so odd. If you had said to me, this time last year, that id be out to my mum i would have told you to take a run and jump. Prizes go to that for the most unexpected event of my year, again, perhaps of my life. But this is a much bigger thing than a concert or (no disresepect) metting online friends. What happened a few days ago will affect the rest of my life and the thought of that is mind-blowing.

As i said, at the moment, its still weird. Im not used to it. Nothing more has been said but honestly, i feel kinda awkward being alone with my mum in the same room. I dont really know how she's taken it. I guess it wasn't so much of a surprise but now she knows... she's probably done a lot of personal thinking about it too, as have i.


As always, with an end of year review we must look ahead to next year. Id prefer not to if this year is anything to go by. Yes, ive mentioned a lot of positives and amazing events but there have been some extreme lows and i really dont want to experience them again but there's nothing i, or anyone else, can do about it. Bad times will keep on occuring when they are unwanted...

And everyone here, if you werent here with me through these lows, i dont want to imagine where id be or what kind of state i would be in without all your help, advice and wisdom. I would certainly have struggled a lot more than i did at points so my endless thanks to each and every one of you here who has ever commented. You are very important people to me and i sincerely hope that remains so.


Well, i guess its goodbye to 2010 and into 2011 we go...

*takes deep breath*





Rowan <3

Coming Out at Christmas - The Story

I've had some time to think between yesterday and today but it hasn't really sunk in yet any. It's going to be weird for a while i think. For me, coz i've lived for the best part of 3/4 years of being the only person in the house who knows i aint straight but also for my mum, coz obviously its a lot for her to take in as well, i understand and respect that.

But here's how it all happened -  (Im gay mum, Merry Christmas! ko :P)


We were all up by 10/11 and opened our presents etc, everything was fine. Mum and dad were cooking in the kitchen from about 1pm onwards and i got into a discussion with my dad who revealed he hated Christmas and mum did as well coz it reminds them of people who have passed away and how they cant be here. It was quite heavy stuff but then we got talking about how he would like to spend a holiday abroad one year and he said, "In years to come, when you're with your wife maybe you'll want to as well" and then mum came out with "Or partner" O.O

Not long after that, maybe 10 minutes, my dad said, "You're mum thinks you're gay you know... you heard what she said earlier"
I completely froze and retreated to my room immediately.
I fell asleep, came downstairs for starters but didnt eat anything, i had no appetite whatsoever after what i heard from my dad so i went back upstairs and lay down and i started crying, i cant pinpoint exactly what about.
I fell asleep again and completely missed Christmas dinner, but i didnt want to be sitting up in my room while everyone else was enjoying themselves downstairs so i made an effort but it just wasnt happening. Mum told me to go back upstairs and that she'd be up in a minute.

As i went up the stairs, i got a strange feeling like it was time, dunno, i just did.
So mum came up, gave me a glass of water and sat with me on my bed, me still crying, i tried to pass off that i was upset cause nobody liked celebrating Christmas but she seen right through it. So i told her about what dad said and it was her turn to freeze.

- GTFO, Take Your Mama by Scissor Sisters just came on iTunes as im typing this O_O -

Anyway, i think she knew what i was getting at so she asked me why i was upset at that and i told her it was because id never known she thought that (ok, i had suspicion but now it was confirmed)
She asked if i wanted to talk about it, but i really didnt at the time, i said i was uncomfortable talking about it, and i was - with my mum of course.
So we just sat a few more minutes and she said dad was wrong for saying what he said coz it wasnt his business and he was raised differently, thinking me do this certain type of thing and that.
By this point, i knew all she wanted was for me to say it but i just couldnt squeeze out those few words but then, "Look, i'll admit ive been suspicious for a little while, i've noticed your interest in Stephen Fry (godammit Stephen, you outed me!!!) you picking that AIDS charity, you dont really hang about with boys, things like that. Sometimes, ive not given it much thought and sometimes its got me thinking. But i dont care, i love you, and i would even if you were an axe-wielding maniac" she chuckled.

I knew the game was up, so to speak, but it was still 20 minutes of me trying to find my voice to say it before i actually did. "I know somethings bothering you, please just tell me, i want to help you"
The glass of water was shaking in my hand, i had chewed the straw in the glass down to nothing. Mum took it off me, sat it down. I took a deep breath...

"Im gay, mum" I uttered, and with that she pulled me into her arms even tighter and we pretty much stayed that way for another 20 minutes before dad came up asking if everything was ok. I was still choked up but i wasn't crying and we managed to pass it off but when he left i told mum more. I told her only Lauren knew, told her i stopped being friends with Steven because of it. She asked how long i'd known, i told her a few years.
I told her specifically that i didn't want to tell dad coz i dont know how he'd react, same with my brother and sister. She said she wouldn't tell a soul and i know that will be so difficult for her. I said to her that i didn't want to put her in that position but she said "Don't worry, i'll handle it and i wont tell anyone until you're ready even if its two years down the line or more"

She revealed she got particularly suspicious back in August when i had a long talk with her about everything that happened during the summer and in turn, i revealed to her that i almost told her then.

Finally, she said it didn't change anything at all. She knows it isn't a choice, "its just the way you are, i accept that" she said. "And i still love you and always will"
I cried again...

She gave me one last big hug and went downstairs and i lay back on my bed, drained, and not long after that i typed yesterdays post.


In case you're wondering, i estimate that i told her between half 6 and 7pm.
But as i said, its still quite weird. Once you're out, you don't go back in which is quite a scary thought and honestly, i'd actually have prefered not to tell her yesterday, perhaps leave it for another few months, i dunno, i certainly had no plan for it to happen yesterday (of all days!) but either way, its done now and i cant change that. And now im going to contradict myself by saying that i wouldnt want to change it either :P

The thing that worries me most right now is mum knowing and nobody else knowing. I'm sure she wont accidentally slip up but i cant imagine the pressure ive put on her which is what im worried about...
As well as the slightly less minor problem that i think there might be a strange vibe for a few weeks while we both come to terms. As i said, ive only been out a day after years of being... in... It's strange but yeh, i wouldn't want to change it.

She came in to say goodnight about 11 last night and i was sitting on the computer. She told me she was proud of me and again, that she loved me. I told her i couldn't thank her enough but she passed it off, "Im you're mum, thats what im here for"
I decided i might as well have a little celebration of my own so i "borrowed" some whiskey, some beer and two tubs of pringles and stuck Stephen Fry in America on. Coincidentally, its a gift i got earlier in the day :P

I made this post a lot longer than i planned, but naturally, i have a lot on my mind right now so thanks for bearing with me. Love you all, guys!


Rowan <3

Coming Out at Christmas

Wow. I just came out to my mum no longer than an hour ago.

Im quite out of it right now so im not going to write a lot. I'll talk all about it when im in the right frame of mind but for now, things are cool. I love my mum so much.

Today has been fucking surreal

Again, sorry for the scarce details but i just need to chill the hell out

Rowan <3

Just to Clarify...

There are a few things i feel i didn't make as clear as i should have done in my last post.

You'll probably think i'm trying to play last week's events down but after reading some comments it seems a few people think i was deliberately targeted or something by these two guys. Let me say *that was not the case*.

There was not a heart to heart sit down talk where Rob and Kev each came out to me, no not at all.

Kev's whole discussion barely involved me first of all. It wasn't even *my* conversation to be had, i simply picked it up in passing, as i was walking home. Plus, Kev is currently dating a girl. Trust me, he's more straight than gay.

As for Rob, his conversation was with me but seriously, everyone knows he was bisexual. He assumed i already knew and as i didn't, he told me he was.
So you might say, "Surely if Rob can be open about being bi, then you can at least do that too"


...


Right, im trying not to play things down or dissapoint anyone coz i know that hearing that kind of news in the same week is quite a big thing but please don't force me or expect me to immediately go "HEY GUESS WHAT! I LIKE GUYS, OOOOH YEAHHHH!"

There's more to it than that. Let's see, im in high school. Clearly not the best place to be out about your sexuality, it might work for some but hey ho.
Let's delve further. It's a Catholic high school, and while i know Catholic certainly doesn't mean homophobic, there are a fair amount of people that back up that... stereotype.


I do have options to consider right now, that i grant you. But i am not a one man machine, my name is not Tony or Peter Tatchell so please don't expect me to be advocating gay rights etc. around my school coz i'll tell you right now that it isn't going to happen. I am neither comfortable or brave enough to be open to a few people at school let alone 1500+ people.

Even if i were to come out to anyone, i probably wouldn't even tell them im gay. I would most likely say bi rather than going for the all out approach. I am taking things as i see fit and i am not going to rush into any decisions which i may later be regretting.


I'm not getting at any one person, i hope nobody is taken aback now by what i've written. I am simply addressing issues raised in the previous comments section.
Some might think i'm this really brave guy, the Martin Luther King of LGBT issues, but i really am not. I'm an average guy and that's all there is to it. I will take things slowly and when i see it safe enough to dip my toe in the water i will, and currently this is not one of those times.


Rowan <3


P.S The photo at the top of the blog does not belong to me, it's a CD cover that i have edited so as not to include the name or song but if you know me well enough you can probably find it's origins. Pip pip ^^

The Black Sheep

In my family of 5, i am the only one who is actually not Catholic. My mum, dad, brother and sister all consider themselves to be so.

I suppose i'm quite lucky in the respect that neither my mum or dad are strict Catholics. It makes things a little easier. Or at least i would like to think so.

I myself, was raised a Catholic, was baptised and made my Communion etc. etc. but over the past few years i have become less interested in religion as a whole, renounced my faith and no longer consider myself to be Catholic.

While religion isn't a touchy subject in the house, the fact that i am not Catholic has never been challenged by my parents and i kinda wondered why recently. It isn't really talked about much so i found myself wondering if anyone actually knew that im not Catholic. It's not talked about so i had no idea.


What's the point in this post?

Well, yesterday i thought i would make it clear once and for all about my (lack of) religious views.

I told my mum when she was sorting out some clothes in my room. I said, "Mum, you know how this is a Catholic family? Like you and dad are Catholic, and raised us all Catholic"

"Yes"

"Well, i was just wondering if you had anything against me being not Catholic, or even religious"

She looked at me as if to say "that was a bit random" but then continued on and said "Well no, not really, you're old enough to make you're own informed decision. You might find in years to come you go back to religion but it's not that important. Why?"

"I was just wondering really, i didn't want you to be disappointed in me coz you raised me as Catholic"

She kinda chuckled "Well, we can hardly be called Catholic, we haven't been to church in at least a year"

"Yeh, i suppose. Thanks"


And there it was. I was quite happy for the rest of the night after that conversation - I think it tells a great deal about my mum's tolerance levels, which obviously is very pleasing.

If only i could get a similar reaction about something else...

I've honestly no idea how that could go, i was nervous enough asking (even though i wasn't expecting a hugely negative respsone) about the whole Catholic thing, let alone thinking about coming out to my mum, who btw would be the first person in my family i would tell.

I think that says quite a lot, that i consider my mum to be the first person i would tell. I do trust my mum but it's so difficult to try and gauge a reaction. I could imagine it being really awkward but perhaps she might gradually be ok with it.

But i really don't know.

She cracks gay jokes sometimes, no malice intended, but i think she would stop that if i were to come out to her.

My dad on the other hand, is a different story. He's not a strict Catholic either but he has a right downer on gay people. "The only gay I ever had time for was Freddie Mercury" he said not long ago. So he's out of the question.

Sad as it is, i could imagine him never talking to me again.

My brother and sister are also out of the question. My brother is far too immature to even understand and my sister, too young.

There are *NO* friends i would even consider telling, just for the record.

So that really only does leave my mum.


...and I have been thinking quite a lot (more than usual, anyway) about it.

I don't know how much of a surprise it would be, but surely the signs are there - I blow-dry and straighten my hair, i openly idolise Stephen Fry... I have a poster of Freddie freakin' Mercury on my wall for god's sake! :P

Maybe... i think my dad is fairly clueless though. E.g we're in the car and we drive by some young woman (lol) "Isn't she a nice one son?"

"Uhuh... sure" *weak smile*

So maybe he has no idea, or maybe he's suspicious, and is scared that i'm gay. Who knows. It's a lot to think about.


I see me telling my mum that i'm not Catholic is progress, i really do. And the fact that she accepts that and understands it, is testament to that progress.

Later she even said "I hope you've not been staying up late worrying about that."

I haven't been.

So, yes, while i am the black sheep of the family in two respects (not Catholic, and presumably the only gay one) good signs are appearing but i'm not going to jump the gun just yet. I wonder if i'll ever have the courage :/

Sometimes i can envisage me just deciding not to tell my mum or dad, even, and then regretting that i didn't when i'm older. I don't want to be 40/50 years old and telling my mum/dad on their deathbed. That horrifies me. And sometimes i picture that scene, it really depresses me when i do.

As i said, i've been thinking a lot about it lately, the pros and the cons, so my mood has been fluxtuating recently. I suppose the discussion with my mum and reading the post about Alex and his brother Tony triggered it. It was a really heart-warmer that post, and i'm so pleased for them.

What i would give for a reaction like that...


Rowan <3




P.S Sorry for not being around much, reading posts, commenting etc. Ive been... lazy

Improvement? Dunno

What is improvement really? Obviously, if things get better, that is improvement but how much are we talking here?
Lots?
Just a little?

I suppose in my case it's the latter, i wasn't expecting things to improve immense overnight and they haven't really. Writing that post the other night made me feel a bit better and talking to other people about things helped too. But there hasn't really been much of a change in school. The workload is still the same, the pace is still the same, the morons haven't changed their ways, obviously.

That's just something i'm going to have to learn to deal with, coz that is what next year, after the summer will consist of.
Although Steven is leaving halfway through, his presence will still be somewhat irksome.
But get this. Today, Steven offered for me to buy his iPhone. Just like back at the start of the year at a reduced price - only 100 pounds.

Where does this generosity come from?
I know, we've been through this, Steven is a very confusing character but i just dunno....
And this isn't an option i think i'm gonna turn down, i mean 100 quid for an iPhone doesn't come around often.
This is the Steven i like!
Why can't he be more like that all the time?

And then when i get an offer like this i feel bad that i can't wait to see the back of him.

It's another thing that troubles me a lot, something i didn't address on my last post : my relationship with Steven.

It's just confusing.
Even when he leaves school i wont be entirely rid of him, only in school of course, im sure he will still be around outwith there at weekends and the likes.

Well anyway, away from all that, the offer for his iPhone cheered me up today, i must admit it is really cool of him.
(dont hate me) :P

Something else that improved my current mood are English and Media classes. Media, the teacher is really funny and probably the best teacher i have right now, so that class is always something to look forward to. And for English, a few posts back i mentioned we were writing a story. It's coming on quite well, i enjoy writing (never thought i would) but it's not without it's difficulties. We have a word limit and mine is way over it, so editing and condensing will be a pain. Also, i had to cut out a full section of my story and even with that gone i still need to edit it.
I hand it in tomorrow and if it's good i might post it on here, no promises tho, it's also quite a dark story, the teacher will think im a loony or something. A brief outline is that it's about a guy who isn't being himself after the death of his mother and is acting out, not being who he really is and the consequence(s) of that.

Believe me, it's dark O.o

Just thought i'd mention all that school stuff but with regards to my last post, thanks for all your comments, i read all of them, some a few times and they pretty much all said good things so thank you for that, your comments don't go unnoticed btw, i read every single one :)

I know im only 16 and i have loads of time to tell whoever i choose that i'm gay but keeping it a secret has just been getting to me lately. It's not good to keep things bottled up, it really does annoy me. Doesn't make things easier when all i hear everyday is talk about eradicting all gay existence and general crap :/
It just all came to a stand-still on Monday and i couldn't take it anymore so for anyone in particular that i may have upset im sorry, it all just came pouring out. This hasn't been a very good week so i'm sorry if i got on anyone's bad side.

I am a lot more composed now than i was on Monday tho, i have sat down and thought about things more rationally. All this crap is gonna come and hit me and i think it's only natural for me to get very fed up with it from time to time. There's not a lot i can do, as one person, to influence people's stupidity or ignorance, that's something they have to do for themselves so until they do change their views i just have to deal with it.
I have to develop a thick skin. Thought i had one already, just obviously not thick enough.

At the end of the day, and im thinking in terms of the bigger picture here ; when i finish high school completely, things will be much better. I will go wherever i go, be it college or university and i know that people there will not be like the people in high school. They'll be older and more mature for a start, and there will also be a more diverse group of people there, more open and accepting.
Things will get gradually better.
Christmas : Steven will leave, no more of his crap at school.
Next summer : More morons will drop out of school, increasing the number of us intellectuals 8-B
The summer after : No more high school, i can move on, be with smarter people and further my education.

Long term targets, yes, but realistic ones.
And i think that's what you gotta do, set yourself goals or else you are wandering aimlessly, not knowing what to do and where to go.
But im getting some ideas in my head now starting with those targets, and they're only the school ones, there will still be lots of others down the road.

Short term (not so much targets) : Family reunion next week and Muse at Wembley in September, two things i'm sure i will enjoy

Thought i'd end on a more positive note this time round :)


Hugs,
Rowan

I'm So Fucking Fed Up With School

Grrr, this is an angry post >:(

School has been extremely stressing lately. Honestly, after the exams i expected these 3 weeks before summer to be a slightly more chilling period.

Fuck that.

It's been absolutely non-stop work, homework, tests etc.
It's the languages that are the toughest. Spanish and French follow the same timetable so i am effectively following the same course in two different laguages. And, what's more, they don't consider each other when it comes to tests, my French and Spanish tests (on the last week before summer!) are on the same day, so i will have two lots of things to remember next Monday and Wednesday, not to mention the learning process that is involved there.

I've also come to the conclusion that my Spanish teacher is a bitch. She honestly doesn't care, she just throws the work at us and expects it to be done. I've also grown to hate her voice already and i've only known her for a week.
There are the good little things like Music and Media, i have new teachers in them and they're great but it's hard to focus on the good when there is so much bad.

What else is bad?

The usual i suppose. Steven's shit, other people's shit, everyone's shit.
I am fucking sick of it.

E.g This morning : I went to go sit at the table everyone was sitting at and i didn't sit beside him so he gives me a strange look and i just said "What, do you need to be with me every fucking minute of the day!?"
"Fine then, go sit at the gay side of the table, ya poof"
I know it was just an immature comment but i couldn't be bothered with him at all, i politely gave him the finger and told him to fuck off.

Another thing that's not school related is something else i've been thinking about a lot.
The old gem of coming out.

Next week (11 days) exactly i will be attending a big family reunion and i am really looking forward to it but i can see the questions coming from uncles and perhaps other cousins saying "Where's the girlfriend?" and such comments.
I just don't want to think about stuff like that but i can just see it happening, im 16 now, i should have a girlfriend.... apparently.
So naturally, such questions are expected.
Answers are probably expected by those asking the questions too.

So, i too, like JJ, ask the question "Why can't things be normal?"
I wish i knew, i do kinda but it's nothing new, just people's small-mindedness etc.
Anyway, i said ive been thinking a lot about coming out lately and i have been.
I dunno what it is, maybe being 16 has told me to get a grip, man up and do it, i've thought about it multiple times recently, i almost actually told my parents recently as well.
Something happened in the kitchen, me, mum and dad were having a bit of a laugh then dad says one of his usual ignorant comments, i don't know how it came about but it was something like "Yeh, a gay would do that"
And i was so ready to say "Yeah i know, i am gay"
All that isn't entirely accurate but i hope it's close enough for you to understand the point.

*sigh*

I just can't wait for summer, 7 more school days and i'm away. No more school....

But this is what's troubling me right now :

I'm sick of school.
I'm sick of everyone's bullshit.
And i'm sick of being in the fucking closet to virtually everyone in my life.


Sorry guys, i just needed to get all that off my chest :(


Hugs,
Rowan

Congratulations JJ and Mike!

Everyone go to JJ's blog right now and congratulate him, i demand you do! - http://3jhome.blogspot.com/
He and Mike are out to JJ's parents!


Perhaps not in the way they would have liked but they are still out and i couldnt be happier for them coz his parents took it well.


Guys, well done, congratulations, can only hope my parents are as good as yours when i tell them....or am outed.


Love,
Rowan

Suppose the song i posted earlier is still relevant so imma re-post it.
For JJ and Mike.



You'll Never Walk Alone guys :)

Marching On In

Yeh, fail title i know :P


Today was just a pretty average day at school i suppose, nothing extremely eventful but a few things worth of note.

The maths test never went ahead today, it has been re-scheduled for tomorrow. Good times.

Biology was quite fun as usual.
Still no pass mark back yet, hopefully soon, but today we were watching a video about the lungs and it was strange.
They were cutting down a sheep's (removed) throat and when they did it made a really crunchy noise :P
Apparently, we're gonna be doing tht tomorrow, should be interesting :P


PE, we got to play badminton XD

I love badminton and i even got put in a group with Steven and i bet him haha.

When we weren't playing he decided to discuss Scissor Sisters with me again, it's getting a bit old to be honest.
I just told him it's only one song i like (and it is only one) but then he's calling me a big fag and stuff like that and talking about how i aspire to "mince" around on stage like they apparently do.

*facepalm*

So i asked him about Queen and Freddie Mercury and he said, "Oh but he's alright, he was a legend, he's allowed to be gay, i can handle that, but anymore than that....*shakes head* "

I left it at that.

It seems that no matter what i say to Steven he just isn't going to accept gay people.
This time next year he won't be at school and in some ways i'll be glad to see the back of him.
He's just so intolerant, not just of gay people but anyone who isn't British, white and Christian.
He's just full of hate for people although i can tell he takes the rip quite a bit, not really meaning everything he says.

But at the same time, i'll be sad to see him leave. He is a good friend to me, he's kind, funny and (although it may not sound like it) easy to get along with.
I think i'll be able to move on a bit more tho, be more who i really am at school but i really dunno how i'll feel when the time comes for him to leave.....


Anyway, returning to school, just for a spot of english.
We're doing group presentations to the class about a book we're reading called Sailmaker.
We were due to present today but didn't have enough time so we have to do it tomorrow.
Then the teacher announces he won't be in tomorrow and the head of english will be. So we're up first presenting to him, lovely.


Spanish was good today. (Don't say that an awful lot)

Our normal teacher wasn't in so we were pleasantly surprised.
We could actually talk a little for once!
So i took the opportunity to ask the four other boys in my class if they were doing spanish next year.
Only one said maybe, the others said no.

Which brings me back to what my mum said last night about spanish.
I perhaps didn't say it very well.

This could get a bit bogged down but try and bare with me.

I was giving the main reasons to my mum about why i didn't want to do spanish (two languages at one time, same teacher etc.)
We discussed those reasons then after that, i added that i might be the only boy in the class, this is when she asked (in a non-serious tone) "Why? Do you get lonely without boys around?"

So it really wasn't out of context but i apologise anyway for my bad writing of that bit.

Another thing in the last post that was written badly by me.
At dinner when my brother said, "Oh, the gay one?" (Stephen Fry)

When he said that, my mum was eating so couldn't speak right after he said that.
So while my mum was eating i rolled my eyes and said, "Yes the gay one"

THEN mum finishes what she was eating and says, "I don't care, i'll look out for some books"

So yeh, sorry wrote it badly in the last post, i hope i've cleared things up now.
What my mum said wasn't really out of context.

Also, a few of you were saying how mums always know and how my mum must be really nice.
She is, but, like everyone, she has her faults.

Such as, last night, i was finishing off on the computer then she asks me if i was almsot done and i said "Yes, almost"
Then, a few minutes later i lose internet connection completely....

I asked my mum if she touched it and she said she didn't but she obviously did as the wirless router is plugged into a socket in my sister's room and as my sister was sleeping, she never touched it.
My mum was the only other person awake in the house, the only person that could have possibly turned the plug off.

It was a really shitty thing to do and even worse of her to lie to me about it which i know she did. :/

But then today, i come home and what has she got me?

A mini-fridge!

WTF.

Last night she was all bitchy and now she's bought me a mini-fridge :S
I don't get it!

Women are confusing lol (hence why i stay away from them :P KO)


But that's quite a coincidence as i'm sure someone mentioned that i should get a mini-fridge a few posts back :P
Well whaddya know?

I've got one now. Haha.

Only thing i need is USB extensions and i pretty much am sorted.
Don't want a wireless keyboard, they're too much hassle in my opinion.


But back to my mum, don't get me wrong, she is nice, really nice, she does strange things sometimes though and is quite confusing and difficult to read.
Nobody is perfect though.

If i was to tell anyone in my immediate family i was gay it would be my mum.
I'm not ready to yet tho, i still need to figure her out and try and find the best way to tell her.
To be honest, the whole topic of coming out to my parents still scares me quite a bit so i'm not really sure about it yet.

I don't really feel ready and i would prefer to leave it for a while, it's not like i'm desperate to tell them.
It's a secret i would like to keep a little longer.


But, as Stephen Fry once said, "A secret is something you tell just one person at a time".

Thanks to r.jimlad for that one, it is very true :)


Love you guys,
Rowan


P.S Hope you had a good start to March!!!

L's Response

So maybe in the dialogue that i posted last time between me and my cousin, you might have thought that L's repsonses were maybe.....limited...?

She said so herself :P

But she did post a heart-warming full response on her blogger account (which i won't give away) a few hours after i came out which was directed at me, so i thought i would post it on here to really show how she took it.

And it was so great for me to read. I was completely overwhelmed.

Here it is :

------------------------------------------

Someone told me something today. And it was a big something for them to tell me. It wasn’t expected at all but it just happened. Words cannot describe how… humbled (that’s the honest word which springs to mind when I think about it) I am that they chose to tell me this. To receive that much trust from one person is mind-blowing and I am so grateful and thankful and so much else that you told me. I just can’t get my head around the fact that they trust me so much as to tell me, it’s unbelievable. I know this person will read this eventually and I just want to say thank you so much. When I think of how I handled it I’m not too pleased! I would have liked to have said so much more to you but I was shocked at how much you must trust me to say what you did so my replies may have seemed a bit wooden and stilted but I assure you that I didn’t intend for them to be. When I read back on the conversation I feel a bit silly =) What you told me doesn’t change how I think of you one tiny bit, you’re still the same person to me that you always were (this has now morphed into something of a letter to you =P) and I won’t ever tell any one person. This is something you’ve shared with me and it’s yours, not mine and I promise that I won’t ever tell anyone =). You trusted me and to me that’s a big deal. Reading your blog (and yes I read every single entry) has really really opened my eyes to how you must feel and I hope you know that you can talk to me if you want to. What you told me doesn’t matter to me and I can’t stress that enough, what you said doesn’t change anything at all. Thank you for trusting me, I completely and utterly respect you.

I could carry on all night but I’ve repeated myself several times already and it’s getting late!!

Thank you again.

Wow =)


-------------------------------------------------

I'm sure you see know, even if there was any doubts before, how awesome my cousin is.

I was crying when i read that.

Happy crying, of course.

And it really surprised me when i found out that L had read all my blog!
I'm pretty sure she knows me a lot better know.

I love all my cousins, and i'm sure L does as well. But she must know a lot more about me now than any of our relatives.
And i think that brings us closer together and that makes me happy.

So, once again, thank you for everything L!!!


Anyhoo, i don't have much else to say.
This post was just to show what L's thoughts really were and to show you guys how awesome she really is!


Cheers,
Rowan