So I write this on the eve of my last ever term at high school.
It's a strange thought.
Everything I've known and the structure I've been used to for the past 13 years is fast approaching it's end.
May 1st is the final day before study leave I think, meaning my last subject would be PE... great. However, there's talk going round that the final day is May 4th, meaning my last subject would be music. How fitting. I'd prefer that to be honest!
But the last time I'm sat in a class will be for my Italian exam on 25th May and the last time I'll be in school properly is June 14th for graduation by which time I'll be 18. Again, fitting.
I have mixed feelings about leaving which is what's persuaded me to blog about it. It marks a huge step in life, in my opinion. It kind of even marks the end of childhood in a way - at least not youth, I still have a few years of that - leaving school, going off into the big, bad world...
Of course, as a gay person I might be expected to be overjoyed about finally leaving that "rotting stinkhole that's repressed me for the past 6 years" but fortunately, that hasn't really been the case. There have been elements of it, yes. I've never felt comfortable enough to come out in school. If I had then maybe I would be referring to it as a rotting stinkhole. but since I haven't came out in school, I haven't had it very hard (though that's not to say if I did, I would've had a bad time, who knows) I've hung about with good people, mostly, and done my best to avoid the bad.
I'm just thinking what I would actually have missed out on if it wasn't for school.
Without school I would never have have known how to play bass, guitar or drums, I would never have went to Wembley, Reading or Leeds to see Muse, I would never have went on a fantastic football trip to Valencia and I certainly wouldn't have met the friends I have right now. Friends I can definitely say I'm happy with.
However, I had to take it into my own hands to find these friends. As I've said before, the people I used to hang about with, I'm still friendly with but my group now, I knew their attitudes were a lot more similar to mine which is why I joined them in the first place.
Then there's the whole thing with Stephen, who was a good friend of mine for 2 years... Without school, I wouldn't have met him and as I said, I wouldn't have had one of the best weekends of my life. Exactly the same story with Bryan.
At least he's going to the same university as me but a lot of folk going separate ways over the summer so the next 2 and a bit weeks may be the last time I see a lot of people. Others, like Josh, aren't moving away but are going to a different university so I also don't think I'll be seeing them a lot after the summer ends.
But yes, I have a lot to be thankful for at my school but one thing I will miss about it most is the music department. Nearly every teacher in that department is so kind and great fun and if there's one class I'm going to miss, it's music. Music is the only class I've had for the full 6 years of high school (excluding the likes of RE) so it's going to be quite a heavy hit for it to just suddenly stop. Our class is actually, hopefully, going to chip in to buy our teacher a bottle of whiskey! It's my suggestion. I love him and respect him so much. He's been my teacher for 4 of the 6 years I've studied music.
Leaving school isn't just about leaving high school, though. There was always primary school before that. I could sit and get nostalgic about it for hours but I won't. Just a few things I will mention, again, about friends. In fact this is before school, in nursery, where I first met Alex and a girl in my year and they have been the longest standing friends of my life, 14 years, so it will be strange not seeing them often, even if they both do just live round the corner.
They went to the same primary school but so did Louis, and luckily enough he IS going to the same university as me, and actually will be getting the same bus there as me. That's one thing I can be happy about, and I hope our friendship will continue. It may certainly end up being one of my oldest.
I said earlier in the post I've never been comfortable enough to come out at school. For 6 years I've wondered what it would be like, though and I've come to the realisation that I might just experience that in the next few weeks. After telling that roomful of people I'm gay at Nicholas' party, I doubt the news stayed there so I guess there will be a fair amount of people who do know.
I can honestly say I don't care. Two weeks is nothing. Living the dream :P
To make this relevant now, to the blog itself, which has almost been like a diary of my past 2/3 years at school and who knows how my education might have gone without it, and the people to help me when I couldn't speak to my own parents, my own family, my own friends.
This blog has accompanied me for the past 2+ years at school, and I'd say it has at least given me easier path to walk down.
There are many thoughts I have currently about leaving school, some more melancholy than happy in fact.
I'll be happy to leave the routine system but I will miss it as well because I'm used to it, I'll miss some teachers, I'll miss a lot of friends and just chatting with them in between classes, I'll miss sitting down to have lunch at our table, I'll miss music. I'll miss a lot. A lot of small things as well.
I know I'm going to get quite emotional on the final day. I can predict it now. As I sit here typing, I'm feeling it a bit and I can just tell. I'm about to take a huge step I don't know if I want it to yet. The thought of university and the whole world is genuinely quite a frightening prospect right now but it's probably just because I'm so used to this current system.
I'd actually go as far to say that as much as school bores me, I feel comfortable with it. It's the age old situation really. I'm just afraid of the unknown. Those in the lower years know what's ahead of them for the next few years but I don't.
I sound like a stuck record but it's like a goodbye to the past 13 years. That's huge.
While these final few weeks might be packed full of revision, tests and course work, I'm going to make the best of the things I know I'm going to miss right up until the second that school bell rings out for the very last time.
Rowan <3
RIP the 96 Liverpool fans who died on this day in 1989 in Hillsborough. You'll Never Walk Alone.
juiceboys *2524
1 week ago
Ah, Rowan, I'm sure you'll be fine at uni. It's nice that some of your friends will be there too, and doubtless you'll make some new ones too.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me as if you've done well in high school, in your studies and in your choices of friends and in your choice not to come out before this. It's good to feel nostalgic for is already. Let those emotions come, and enjoy these next weeks.
Hi there, Rowan
ReplyDeleteI think most people face the end of school with mixed feelings. I understand your situation: life after school is frightening because it's unfamiliar - a complete change from the routine and system that you have been used to for the last 13 years.
From my experience, I think you'll find that you'll become familiar with university quite quickly: it will have its own routine, a weekly schedule of lectures and assignments. Along with the current friends that are going with you, you'll meet new people (all in the same situation as you) and become friends with them too. You'll have your regular times and places to socialise. There will be societies and groups for all sorts of activities and interests - music almost certainly, but also I would expect an LBGT group, which will have its own social events. They'll have their own webpages, so you can find out what they do before you go, and maybe even get in touch. If the university is close enough to be a bus ride away, maybe you could visit during the summer, and have a walk around to get used to where things are - lecture theatres, student union, etc.
Best of luck with your exams, and with the transition to university.
Take care
Mark
Hi, Rowan!
ReplyDeleteI think you've captured much of what most of us felt when graduating from high school. But I think there is a good reason why (at least over here) they call them commencements - it's a beginning! Yes, you will likely feel some melancholy for leaving the things you've had firm control of for the past years, but now you become in charge of something other than a routine - you become in charge in many more ways of you own life!
I saw very few of my high school friends when I graduated, but made new ones, found new activities, and in general, have not looked back. I doubt you will either. There will be a routine, too, as Mark points out. I suspect you will revel in this new environment. You'll have a ball!
Very cool post, Rowan, it certainly brought back memories. And I hope you'll continue the blog as you move into this new chapter of your life.
Peace <3
Jay
When I graduated high school in 2006 I was sad to leave all my friends and terrified that the best years of my life would be behind me in the school house.
ReplyDeleteThat isn't how it works, though. University is wonderful, so much better than high school, and the friends you meet there often prove to be the best and closest you ever have.
Then beyond university is the joy of starting a career, moving into your own home, and establishing life on your own terms. That's what I'm attempting to do now.
So do take this moment to reflect on the last six years. But don't be afraid that the next six years won't hold just as many adventures and revelations. They'll probably hold more.
A situation I am confronted with reminds me that I, too often, let life determine the circumstances and then try to react to them, usually less than successfully, imo.
ReplyDeleteWhy, unsuccessfully? Because I am not having any input into the circumstances.
You have the opportunity to change your lifestyle - yes, lifestyle, in this case - to determine your future.
History is history. Leave it to its own devices.
Your focus should be what you want, where you want to be, and what you have to do to get there. Make choices that influence the circumstances that will surround your choices.
You may not, still, achieve exactly what you thought you wanted, or expected, but you will have accomplished something in having input into the circumstances surrounding the goal you want to achieve... and that is many steps ahead of simply hoping that the right circumstances come your way so that you can then hope to fit into them.
Be the change.