Denial

I think my dad is in denial about me being gay.

I mean, i guess i can make sense of it. It can't be easy for a parent to understand, especially when they grew up with a completely opposite mindset, but i just wish it wasn't that way.

This belief i have stems from a few things i notice from time to time but particularly one event recently. I was watching tv, there was nothing on apart from Blondie performing at some festival. I was barely watching but afterwards, i went downstairs and my dad goes, "That you listening to Blondie?"

"Was the only thing to watch..."

"Tell you what, I'd still be up for her"

"Okay, Dad"

He didn't leave it there though. Even as a gay guy, i can tell that Blondie is hardly attractive. She's basically a walking hunk of plastic. Sorry, it's true so i found it quite funny when my dad said that in all honesty but as i said, he kept going.

"What, you saying you wouldn't?"

"No, i wouldn't" I said, slightly confused at this point for obvious reasons.

"Well, i definitely would", he continued, "When i was your age... phwoah!"

Well, perhaps she looked better 30 years ago, i don't really know or care.

"Thought you might have been checking her out for a minute"

The sheer thought revolted me but then just confused me even further. I didn't say it but i was thinking, "You know i'm gay, WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS?"

I struggle to find any other explanation than the one i provided at the top of this post. That, combined with being in the car with my dad and he'll occasionally go, "Oh, that one's a looker, eh?" as i suppose straight guys do but when i'm in the car with him... why?

Also, i get on with some of my dad's friends. One of whom's son i used to be quite good friends with myself a few years ago and we've seen each other more regularly as of late but more on that another time, i'm straying from the story (and no, it's nothing sexual)

I get on with some of my dad's friends. They're quite young at heart and easy-going. Up for a laugh kind of guys. Yet even when i'm in the room my dad, and his friends, will still come out with the gay jokes or whatever. Okay, not exactly gay jokes in the sense but there's the kind of atmosphere there and things are said which hints that being gay is something negative and should be discouraged.

Again, i suppose it's a generation thing and them being his friends for the best part of thirty years means that their attitudes aren't going to suddenly change. It's different when they're not around of course, that same atmosphere doesn't exist and i do enjoy the company of some of my dad's friends but if he really cared, and i mean PROPERLY cared, my dad could go out of his way and put a stop to it. He doesn't but it just adds fuel to my argument that my dad hasn't properly come to terms with the fact that i'm gay yet.

That "Blondie" incident recently provoked this post but there are other examples of his attitude. I don't suppose there's much i can do about it and perhaps i shouldn't complain because i am quite fucking lucky that i'm not hated by my parents or anything considering how they grew up. I know they love me and care for me and blah-de-bloody-blah but it's just something that really grinds at me and brings me down.

Maybe i just have to wait for my dad to change (maybe my mum, too, if i'm honest although that's not as big an issue.) Then again, my dad might not change but i know for certain that i'm definitely not going to so it is him that has to come to terms with it now, not me.


Just thought I'd throw that observation out there. Hello everyone.


Rowan <3