Denial

I think my dad is in denial about me being gay.

I mean, i guess i can make sense of it. It can't be easy for a parent to understand, especially when they grew up with a completely opposite mindset, but i just wish it wasn't that way.

This belief i have stems from a few things i notice from time to time but particularly one event recently. I was watching tv, there was nothing on apart from Blondie performing at some festival. I was barely watching but afterwards, i went downstairs and my dad goes, "That you listening to Blondie?"

"Was the only thing to watch..."

"Tell you what, I'd still be up for her"

"Okay, Dad"

He didn't leave it there though. Even as a gay guy, i can tell that Blondie is hardly attractive. She's basically a walking hunk of plastic. Sorry, it's true so i found it quite funny when my dad said that in all honesty but as i said, he kept going.

"What, you saying you wouldn't?"

"No, i wouldn't" I said, slightly confused at this point for obvious reasons.

"Well, i definitely would", he continued, "When i was your age... phwoah!"

Well, perhaps she looked better 30 years ago, i don't really know or care.

"Thought you might have been checking her out for a minute"

The sheer thought revolted me but then just confused me even further. I didn't say it but i was thinking, "You know i'm gay, WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS?"

I struggle to find any other explanation than the one i provided at the top of this post. That, combined with being in the car with my dad and he'll occasionally go, "Oh, that one's a looker, eh?" as i suppose straight guys do but when i'm in the car with him... why?

Also, i get on with some of my dad's friends. One of whom's son i used to be quite good friends with myself a few years ago and we've seen each other more regularly as of late but more on that another time, i'm straying from the story (and no, it's nothing sexual)

I get on with some of my dad's friends. They're quite young at heart and easy-going. Up for a laugh kind of guys. Yet even when i'm in the room my dad, and his friends, will still come out with the gay jokes or whatever. Okay, not exactly gay jokes in the sense but there's the kind of atmosphere there and things are said which hints that being gay is something negative and should be discouraged.

Again, i suppose it's a generation thing and them being his friends for the best part of thirty years means that their attitudes aren't going to suddenly change. It's different when they're not around of course, that same atmosphere doesn't exist and i do enjoy the company of some of my dad's friends but if he really cared, and i mean PROPERLY cared, my dad could go out of his way and put a stop to it. He doesn't but it just adds fuel to my argument that my dad hasn't properly come to terms with the fact that i'm gay yet.

That "Blondie" incident recently provoked this post but there are other examples of his attitude. I don't suppose there's much i can do about it and perhaps i shouldn't complain because i am quite fucking lucky that i'm not hated by my parents or anything considering how they grew up. I know they love me and care for me and blah-de-bloody-blah but it's just something that really grinds at me and brings me down.

Maybe i just have to wait for my dad to change (maybe my mum, too, if i'm honest although that's not as big an issue.) Then again, my dad might not change but i know for certain that i'm definitely not going to so it is him that has to come to terms with it now, not me.


Just thought I'd throw that observation out there. Hello everyone.


Rowan <3

Out to My Dad

These Easter holidays, which are about at an end, have not been very active and outgoing for me in particular but my word have they been fecking eventful. Perhaps life-changing if you want to go that far.

Let's see, i've realised the truth about Bryan and had him stay at my house. While it wasn't the best night and while its still hard to contend with that all we can be is friends, i can at least work on getting over it and looking elsewhere...

The other part of this eventful couple of weeks was my dad knowing im gay. There's a bit of backstory to it.

I guess is starts last Monday... Tuesday?
I was having a pretty bad day and felt like hell to the point i was (and i will admit) in tears. I even took the dog for a walk and found somewhere secluded just so i could be out of the house a bit but never mind that...

I came back in and just lay in bed and mum came in knowing something wasn't quite right. So we talked, quite a heavy talk, and while i didn't actually mention Bryan im thinking she got the jist. To be honest, i think she actually thinks Bryan is gay and that we fell out or something when he was round. I neither confirmed or denied this.
Anyhoo, my dad came home from work to find us like this and i just pretended i was ill but he clearly knew i wasn't and he said, while watching the golf Masters later that night, that he doesn't like people, in his own family especially, keeping secrets from him.
All the time im thinking i know it isnt fair on you but i can't fucking tell you!

So, it was on Thursday that shit really went down, just before i wrote my 200th post.
Mum and dad were arguing, which frankly isn't too uncommon at the minute.
Anyhoo, mum came up to my room once again and we had another little chat. She revealed that dad knew im gay. How it came about was quite strange and im still a little suspicious about it in all honesty but it turns out my dad has known since about February when another argument took place.
Apparently it all kicked off about keeping secrets and stuff like that. Allegedly, dad was giving off the impression that i had actually told him as well and so mum was like, "Oh you know?" which lead my dad to say, "Well, i guessed but now you've pretty much confirmed it"

Thanks mum...

But that is a positive thing in a way. Look at it, my dad has known since February and there have been no repercussions, no words said or anything so... yay i guess. Id still have preferred to tell him on my own terms but never mind :/

After all this was revealed, mum went down to finish her "discussion" and then not long after dad came up. I was not looking forward to this but he basically said what my mum said on the day, "I dont care if you're an axe-wielding murderer, i'll still defend you to the death,"

Anyway, what followed was nearly a two hour long discussion about, really... life.

All sorts of things were covered: religion, music even, loads of stuff. Even some truths my dad revealed about some things that i'd honestly have preferred he didn't mention but never the mind. In all honesty, it was probably the funniest serious conversation i've ever had and ever will have. I mean, i was nervous at the start but i gradually got more comfortable.
It's still weird tho and of course i wouldn't call it an enjoyable experience but the fact that my dad knows now and hasn't made a big deal of it (at least to me he hasn't) makes me feel a bit more at ease. I always imagined a much different reaction, (a negative one) one that would come in a few years and not now which is where im annoyed.
Mum says she didn't betray my trust and while i agree she didn't, i was still outed and im not comfortable with that, id have liked to have made that decision on my own regardless of what my dad thought.

In the end, my dad said what he did the other night about not liking secrets being kept and i said what i was thinking that night. I also told him it isn't the easiest thing to talk about but there you go. I know he'd like me to talk to him a bit more but i still don't see it happening. Im honestly not great at opening up unless i really have to, and i did on Monday/Tuesday night to my mum and to a certain extent on Thursday as well.

I have a sneaking suspicion about my dad. He wants to be there for his kids, which i completely understand coz thats what a parent should be and i respect that. However, i think he is driven by the fact that his dad wasn't really there for him a lot and actually died when he was 14 so i see it as him trying to better his dad. Y'know giving his kids what he never had - a better childhood. Although id hardly say mine was ever brilliant in any case but never mind.


On the whole, these past few weeks have been mind-bending and the aftermath equally so. Even as i type this out, recent events haven't quite settled in. I still do, and always will, find Bryan mega-hot but maybe with the knowledge that he isn't gay, my attraction might die down. In a sad way, i hope it does coz then i can forget about it and look to pastures new.
As for the whole situation with my dad... Well, when i came out to my mum it took a few weeks to settle in completely. Every time i looked at her i immediately thought, "holy shit, she knows" and thats the way it is with my dad even now. I've a feeling it might take longer with my dad coz he had a harder, more traditional upbringing. It's not like he's a massive, scary "man's man" but he has a different mentality to my mum so its a bit different in that respect. He is still, by all accounts, a very loving, family-oriented man. I hope im converying what i want to there...

Regardless, at least now its out the way i can try and focus on my exams. With the past few weeks, i've only been able to concentrate on, and dedicate time to, homework that was actually assigned over the holidays. I've done no studying outwith that which is quite a poor show but i've had a shitload on my mind so maybe i can study a bit more now. We'll see coz apart from securing English quotes/doing timed essays and learning music concepts, i wouldn't say i've a lot to do. It's just when i hear all my friends have been studying for 4/5 hours a day, i go on a guilt trip.

Anyway, i've went on enough and if you've read this far then i congratulate and thank you :P


Rowan <3

The Black Sheep

In my family of 5, i am the only one who is actually not Catholic. My mum, dad, brother and sister all consider themselves to be so.

I suppose i'm quite lucky in the respect that neither my mum or dad are strict Catholics. It makes things a little easier. Or at least i would like to think so.

I myself, was raised a Catholic, was baptised and made my Communion etc. etc. but over the past few years i have become less interested in religion as a whole, renounced my faith and no longer consider myself to be Catholic.

While religion isn't a touchy subject in the house, the fact that i am not Catholic has never been challenged by my parents and i kinda wondered why recently. It isn't really talked about much so i found myself wondering if anyone actually knew that im not Catholic. It's not talked about so i had no idea.


What's the point in this post?

Well, yesterday i thought i would make it clear once and for all about my (lack of) religious views.

I told my mum when she was sorting out some clothes in my room. I said, "Mum, you know how this is a Catholic family? Like you and dad are Catholic, and raised us all Catholic"

"Yes"

"Well, i was just wondering if you had anything against me being not Catholic, or even religious"

She looked at me as if to say "that was a bit random" but then continued on and said "Well no, not really, you're old enough to make you're own informed decision. You might find in years to come you go back to religion but it's not that important. Why?"

"I was just wondering really, i didn't want you to be disappointed in me coz you raised me as Catholic"

She kinda chuckled "Well, we can hardly be called Catholic, we haven't been to church in at least a year"

"Yeh, i suppose. Thanks"


And there it was. I was quite happy for the rest of the night after that conversation - I think it tells a great deal about my mum's tolerance levels, which obviously is very pleasing.

If only i could get a similar reaction about something else...

I've honestly no idea how that could go, i was nervous enough asking (even though i wasn't expecting a hugely negative respsone) about the whole Catholic thing, let alone thinking about coming out to my mum, who btw would be the first person in my family i would tell.

I think that says quite a lot, that i consider my mum to be the first person i would tell. I do trust my mum but it's so difficult to try and gauge a reaction. I could imagine it being really awkward but perhaps she might gradually be ok with it.

But i really don't know.

She cracks gay jokes sometimes, no malice intended, but i think she would stop that if i were to come out to her.

My dad on the other hand, is a different story. He's not a strict Catholic either but he has a right downer on gay people. "The only gay I ever had time for was Freddie Mercury" he said not long ago. So he's out of the question.

Sad as it is, i could imagine him never talking to me again.

My brother and sister are also out of the question. My brother is far too immature to even understand and my sister, too young.

There are *NO* friends i would even consider telling, just for the record.

So that really only does leave my mum.


...and I have been thinking quite a lot (more than usual, anyway) about it.

I don't know how much of a surprise it would be, but surely the signs are there - I blow-dry and straighten my hair, i openly idolise Stephen Fry... I have a poster of Freddie freakin' Mercury on my wall for god's sake! :P

Maybe... i think my dad is fairly clueless though. E.g we're in the car and we drive by some young woman (lol) "Isn't she a nice one son?"

"Uhuh... sure" *weak smile*

So maybe he has no idea, or maybe he's suspicious, and is scared that i'm gay. Who knows. It's a lot to think about.


I see me telling my mum that i'm not Catholic is progress, i really do. And the fact that she accepts that and understands it, is testament to that progress.

Later she even said "I hope you've not been staying up late worrying about that."

I haven't been.

So, yes, while i am the black sheep of the family in two respects (not Catholic, and presumably the only gay one) good signs are appearing but i'm not going to jump the gun just yet. I wonder if i'll ever have the courage :/

Sometimes i can envisage me just deciding not to tell my mum or dad, even, and then regretting that i didn't when i'm older. I don't want to be 40/50 years old and telling my mum/dad on their deathbed. That horrifies me. And sometimes i picture that scene, it really depresses me when i do.

As i said, i've been thinking a lot about it lately, the pros and the cons, so my mood has been fluxtuating recently. I suppose the discussion with my mum and reading the post about Alex and his brother Tony triggered it. It was a really heart-warmer that post, and i'm so pleased for them.

What i would give for a reaction like that...


Rowan <3




P.S Sorry for not being around much, reading posts, commenting etc. Ive been... lazy

The Next Few Days

Okay so i'm afraid i'm going to be a little pessimistic about the next few days.

My last Prelim (Biology) is tomorrow.
And i'll probably be getting my Math results back as well this week.


I'm not expecting it to go swimmingly.

I'm awful at Biology as i've already said and i don't hold much hope in my Math test.
Hell if i pass them both i will be extremely happy.

I might even kiss both my teachers!


Ok, i won't do that but i will be relieved if i pass them. :P


At least i have some holidays to look forward to.
Wednesday is my last day in.
Thursday, Friday, the weekend, Monday and Tuesday i have no school.
Some sort of holiday, i dunno what for but i won't complain.

Although something rather extraordinary is happening.
On Wednesday evening my little brother and my Dad will be jetting off to Lanzarote by themselves for about 10 days.
How nice of them.

Sounds strange, yes, but let me explain.

My dad works at the airport and he won this sort of equivalent of Employee of the Month.
So they gave him two tickets for him to travel anywhere he likes in Europe.

Last year he won it as well, and he went to Lanzarote with my mum but she didn't want to go anywhere this year.

But, why did he choose my brother?

Strange one again.

The harsh reality is that my brother and my dad have always had this closer connection that i never had.
I feel closer to my mum than my dad.

But the way he said it was like. "Well, you probably have too much studies to contend with so i don't wanna take you out of school coz you'll lose some precious time."

Sorta true. But i couldn't really see me and my dad getting along on a holiday by ourselves and i dont think he could either.

But it makes up for itself.

Mum said that me, her and my sister can go somewhere at some point.
She asked me where and i quite like the idea of Italy.
Never been before and it seems real nice.


But really, thats how my family has been divided.

My little brother and my dad.

Then me, my mum and my little sister.

If they were ever to get a divorce then i could see that being the living arrangements.
Don't worry tho, i don't think one is on the horizon but i used to think one was.

They always used to argue, at least a couple of times a week.
This was about a year ago.
Things were bad back then.

So, i think they thought a holiday abroad would sort things out. It didn't really but at least they stopped arguing as much. They don't really talk much tho and they complain about each other to us.
That's annoying, i'd rather not hear it.

I heard things when they used to argue too. More things i didn't want to hear. The reasons why they were arguing but i'd rather not go into them.


Anyway, i went seriously away from what i was talking about.
The holidays.

LOL, how'd that happen?
Suppose we all can be yacky boxes sometimes :P

Oh, something else thats happening soon - Arsenal vs Liverpool on Wednesday.

I'm dreading that. I can see Liverpool getting embarrased. And then Steven will be on my case.
It's starting already!
All the build-up, me and Steven having a go at each other about the game lol.
It will be interesting this week in school.

But luckily i won't need to face him on Wednesday coz of the holidays but i'm sure i'll see him at some point during....


....I must go, i want to do as well on this Biology crap as i can tomorrow :D
And as for Prelim stuff, i'll keep you updated as always.


Cheers,
Rowan


P.S I wrote this at the same time i've been talking to you JJ. I can do it lol