Out to My Dad

These Easter holidays, which are about at an end, have not been very active and outgoing for me in particular but my word have they been fecking eventful. Perhaps life-changing if you want to go that far.

Let's see, i've realised the truth about Bryan and had him stay at my house. While it wasn't the best night and while its still hard to contend with that all we can be is friends, i can at least work on getting over it and looking elsewhere...

The other part of this eventful couple of weeks was my dad knowing im gay. There's a bit of backstory to it.

I guess is starts last Monday... Tuesday?
I was having a pretty bad day and felt like hell to the point i was (and i will admit) in tears. I even took the dog for a walk and found somewhere secluded just so i could be out of the house a bit but never mind that...

I came back in and just lay in bed and mum came in knowing something wasn't quite right. So we talked, quite a heavy talk, and while i didn't actually mention Bryan im thinking she got the jist. To be honest, i think she actually thinks Bryan is gay and that we fell out or something when he was round. I neither confirmed or denied this.
Anyhoo, my dad came home from work to find us like this and i just pretended i was ill but he clearly knew i wasn't and he said, while watching the golf Masters later that night, that he doesn't like people, in his own family especially, keeping secrets from him.
All the time im thinking i know it isnt fair on you but i can't fucking tell you!

So, it was on Thursday that shit really went down, just before i wrote my 200th post.
Mum and dad were arguing, which frankly isn't too uncommon at the minute.
Anyhoo, mum came up to my room once again and we had another little chat. She revealed that dad knew im gay. How it came about was quite strange and im still a little suspicious about it in all honesty but it turns out my dad has known since about February when another argument took place.
Apparently it all kicked off about keeping secrets and stuff like that. Allegedly, dad was giving off the impression that i had actually told him as well and so mum was like, "Oh you know?" which lead my dad to say, "Well, i guessed but now you've pretty much confirmed it"

Thanks mum...

But that is a positive thing in a way. Look at it, my dad has known since February and there have been no repercussions, no words said or anything so... yay i guess. Id still have preferred to tell him on my own terms but never mind :/

After all this was revealed, mum went down to finish her "discussion" and then not long after dad came up. I was not looking forward to this but he basically said what my mum said on the day, "I dont care if you're an axe-wielding murderer, i'll still defend you to the death,"

Anyway, what followed was nearly a two hour long discussion about, really... life.

All sorts of things were covered: religion, music even, loads of stuff. Even some truths my dad revealed about some things that i'd honestly have preferred he didn't mention but never the mind. In all honesty, it was probably the funniest serious conversation i've ever had and ever will have. I mean, i was nervous at the start but i gradually got more comfortable.
It's still weird tho and of course i wouldn't call it an enjoyable experience but the fact that my dad knows now and hasn't made a big deal of it (at least to me he hasn't) makes me feel a bit more at ease. I always imagined a much different reaction, (a negative one) one that would come in a few years and not now which is where im annoyed.
Mum says she didn't betray my trust and while i agree she didn't, i was still outed and im not comfortable with that, id have liked to have made that decision on my own regardless of what my dad thought.

In the end, my dad said what he did the other night about not liking secrets being kept and i said what i was thinking that night. I also told him it isn't the easiest thing to talk about but there you go. I know he'd like me to talk to him a bit more but i still don't see it happening. Im honestly not great at opening up unless i really have to, and i did on Monday/Tuesday night to my mum and to a certain extent on Thursday as well.

I have a sneaking suspicion about my dad. He wants to be there for his kids, which i completely understand coz thats what a parent should be and i respect that. However, i think he is driven by the fact that his dad wasn't really there for him a lot and actually died when he was 14 so i see it as him trying to better his dad. Y'know giving his kids what he never had - a better childhood. Although id hardly say mine was ever brilliant in any case but never mind.


On the whole, these past few weeks have been mind-bending and the aftermath equally so. Even as i type this out, recent events haven't quite settled in. I still do, and always will, find Bryan mega-hot but maybe with the knowledge that he isn't gay, my attraction might die down. In a sad way, i hope it does coz then i can forget about it and look to pastures new.
As for the whole situation with my dad... Well, when i came out to my mum it took a few weeks to settle in completely. Every time i looked at her i immediately thought, "holy shit, she knows" and thats the way it is with my dad even now. I've a feeling it might take longer with my dad coz he had a harder, more traditional upbringing. It's not like he's a massive, scary "man's man" but he has a different mentality to my mum so its a bit different in that respect. He is still, by all accounts, a very loving, family-oriented man. I hope im converying what i want to there...

Regardless, at least now its out the way i can try and focus on my exams. With the past few weeks, i've only been able to concentrate on, and dedicate time to, homework that was actually assigned over the holidays. I've done no studying outwith that which is quite a poor show but i've had a shitload on my mind so maybe i can study a bit more now. We'll see coz apart from securing English quotes/doing timed essays and learning music concepts, i wouldn't say i've a lot to do. It's just when i hear all my friends have been studying for 4/5 hours a day, i go on a guilt trip.

Anyway, i've went on enough and if you've read this far then i congratulate and thank you :P


Rowan <3