Out to My Dad

These Easter holidays, which are about at an end, have not been very active and outgoing for me in particular but my word have they been fecking eventful. Perhaps life-changing if you want to go that far.

Let's see, i've realised the truth about Bryan and had him stay at my house. While it wasn't the best night and while its still hard to contend with that all we can be is friends, i can at least work on getting over it and looking elsewhere...

The other part of this eventful couple of weeks was my dad knowing im gay. There's a bit of backstory to it.

I guess is starts last Monday... Tuesday?
I was having a pretty bad day and felt like hell to the point i was (and i will admit) in tears. I even took the dog for a walk and found somewhere secluded just so i could be out of the house a bit but never mind that...

I came back in and just lay in bed and mum came in knowing something wasn't quite right. So we talked, quite a heavy talk, and while i didn't actually mention Bryan im thinking she got the jist. To be honest, i think she actually thinks Bryan is gay and that we fell out or something when he was round. I neither confirmed or denied this.
Anyhoo, my dad came home from work to find us like this and i just pretended i was ill but he clearly knew i wasn't and he said, while watching the golf Masters later that night, that he doesn't like people, in his own family especially, keeping secrets from him.
All the time im thinking i know it isnt fair on you but i can't fucking tell you!

So, it was on Thursday that shit really went down, just before i wrote my 200th post.
Mum and dad were arguing, which frankly isn't too uncommon at the minute.
Anyhoo, mum came up to my room once again and we had another little chat. She revealed that dad knew im gay. How it came about was quite strange and im still a little suspicious about it in all honesty but it turns out my dad has known since about February when another argument took place.
Apparently it all kicked off about keeping secrets and stuff like that. Allegedly, dad was giving off the impression that i had actually told him as well and so mum was like, "Oh you know?" which lead my dad to say, "Well, i guessed but now you've pretty much confirmed it"

Thanks mum...

But that is a positive thing in a way. Look at it, my dad has known since February and there have been no repercussions, no words said or anything so... yay i guess. Id still have preferred to tell him on my own terms but never mind :/

After all this was revealed, mum went down to finish her "discussion" and then not long after dad came up. I was not looking forward to this but he basically said what my mum said on the day, "I dont care if you're an axe-wielding murderer, i'll still defend you to the death,"

Anyway, what followed was nearly a two hour long discussion about, really... life.

All sorts of things were covered: religion, music even, loads of stuff. Even some truths my dad revealed about some things that i'd honestly have preferred he didn't mention but never the mind. In all honesty, it was probably the funniest serious conversation i've ever had and ever will have. I mean, i was nervous at the start but i gradually got more comfortable.
It's still weird tho and of course i wouldn't call it an enjoyable experience but the fact that my dad knows now and hasn't made a big deal of it (at least to me he hasn't) makes me feel a bit more at ease. I always imagined a much different reaction, (a negative one) one that would come in a few years and not now which is where im annoyed.
Mum says she didn't betray my trust and while i agree she didn't, i was still outed and im not comfortable with that, id have liked to have made that decision on my own regardless of what my dad thought.

In the end, my dad said what he did the other night about not liking secrets being kept and i said what i was thinking that night. I also told him it isn't the easiest thing to talk about but there you go. I know he'd like me to talk to him a bit more but i still don't see it happening. Im honestly not great at opening up unless i really have to, and i did on Monday/Tuesday night to my mum and to a certain extent on Thursday as well.

I have a sneaking suspicion about my dad. He wants to be there for his kids, which i completely understand coz thats what a parent should be and i respect that. However, i think he is driven by the fact that his dad wasn't really there for him a lot and actually died when he was 14 so i see it as him trying to better his dad. Y'know giving his kids what he never had - a better childhood. Although id hardly say mine was ever brilliant in any case but never mind.


On the whole, these past few weeks have been mind-bending and the aftermath equally so. Even as i type this out, recent events haven't quite settled in. I still do, and always will, find Bryan mega-hot but maybe with the knowledge that he isn't gay, my attraction might die down. In a sad way, i hope it does coz then i can forget about it and look to pastures new.
As for the whole situation with my dad... Well, when i came out to my mum it took a few weeks to settle in completely. Every time i looked at her i immediately thought, "holy shit, she knows" and thats the way it is with my dad even now. I've a feeling it might take longer with my dad coz he had a harder, more traditional upbringing. It's not like he's a massive, scary "man's man" but he has a different mentality to my mum so its a bit different in that respect. He is still, by all accounts, a very loving, family-oriented man. I hope im converying what i want to there...

Regardless, at least now its out the way i can try and focus on my exams. With the past few weeks, i've only been able to concentrate on, and dedicate time to, homework that was actually assigned over the holidays. I've done no studying outwith that which is quite a poor show but i've had a shitload on my mind so maybe i can study a bit more now. We'll see coz apart from securing English quotes/doing timed essays and learning music concepts, i wouldn't say i've a lot to do. It's just when i hear all my friends have been studying for 4/5 hours a day, i go on a guilt trip.

Anyway, i've went on enough and if you've read this far then i congratulate and thank you :P


Rowan <3

Hectic Week

This week has been nothing short of crazy (bullshit)

I've had prelims every morning this week and as early as Tuesday i thought it was Friday but that was probably because what my head wanted.

Monday i had English close reading which went fairly well.
Music listening on Tuesday was hit and miss coz im not so good at the listening part of the subject.
Same with french the day after, im not so good at listening but the essay went well i think.
Media on Thursday was just a case of write as much as you can in the best order you can which im fairly confident i did.
And today was spanish listening so again, hit and miss but essay was fine.

This is practically the first time ive sat down all week and done what ive really wanted. The xbox hasnt been on since last weekend, tv has rarely been on and ive just been looking at books and sleeping for most of the week. It hasn't been nice.

Today was even worse coz i was supposed to be getting a ticket to go see Queens of the Stone Age in May. I told my mum on Monday and she was happy to get it coz they went on sale while i was in school but when i woke up she bascially told me it wasnt her problem or her ticket and she wasn't getting it. I was pretty pissed off but even more so when i got home to find they had bloody sold out. Didn't think they would.

I hate when ive no gigs to look forward to, it's depressing. I need something big to look to, something to work towards and at the moment i have nothing.

The next few weeks dont get much better than this one. There's one more prelim left and im sure they've left it to last for a reason. English timed essays, two of them. Total hell. Without a doubt the most difficult part of all the subjects im studying coz this is what has to be revised the most, known inside out, back to front, loop the loop etc.
If you don't know it, you're screwed and thats the way i feel right now.

It isn't just english on Monday but my final bass exam on Wednesday and my Spanish speaking final exam on Friday so its difficult concentrating on just english but i guess i'll have to sacrifice them and put english first, then Spanish and my bass last coz obviously im a complete virtuoso and it's going to be brilliant no matter what ;)

We've also been talking about subjects for next year and it's just way over my head. The school likes you to choose subjects appropriate to your "career" which is a whole other matter to deal with. I've no idea what i want to do after school so i guess i need to see one of those adviser people.
The only thing i definetely know i want to study next year is one language, but you have to pick four subjects in total. Id probably leave Spanish and its a tie between advanced french or the newly introduced Italian course.
Tbh, i'd be more incline for Italian coz it would be a THIRD language at a higher level which looks good on any CV and also, Bryan made noise about taking it as well much to my surprise as he hates French xD
So, im probably doing Italian :P

No idea for the other three tho.

But yeah, essentially, this is probably the height of stress this year in school coz the prelims are every day, there's subject choices to think about, and there's not even any study leave. At least during the exams, there is study leave, you've picked your subjects and the exams are spaced out.

I swear, if i make it through the next couple of months without some sort of mental breakdown, it'll be a fecking miracle coz let's face it, it's not just school problems ive got to deal with :/

Anyhoo, speaking of spaced out, ive been listening to The Doors properly for the first time and im absolutely loving it. So trippy.
Dunno what my favourites are yet, most are good so here's a comparison between The Doors' "Back Door Man" which clearly had an influence on The White Stripes "Rag and Bone" (shame they split up as well, woulda loved to have seen them live...)


Rowan <3






Opening riffs sound very similar and are both in the key of A

Two More Days...

Can i survive? O_O


Yes, of course i can, it's just gonna be difficult is all. In fact, only tomorrow looks like it will be difficult. Tuesday looks like it should be ok.

If i get any homework tomorrow that is due for Tuesday i'll be ragin'!!!

:P

Tomorrow is gonna be difficult coz i have speaking and writing tests in both Spanish and French. Ugh.

I've spent quite a chunk of my weekend looking over them, learning them off by heart and it's been quite a struggle coz they are the effectively the same essay but in two different laguages.

Suppose it's good to experience some of what is to come now so i don't get too shocked when i return back after summer.

At least i've been able to do some of my revision outside in my garden over the weekend, it's been real sunny here the past couple of days :D

Spent most of my time in the garden either looking at school stuff or playing on the trampoline with my brother and sister.

Haven't spent so much time with them in a while and i've also noticed that my brother tends to use the words "gay" and "fag" an awful lot than i ever thought he did...


So does my sister *cries*

It's my fecking brother that's got her into saying it, she doesn't even know what it means. He is too much of an influence on her. She hears him say it and she thinks it's ok.

E.g today she called me "a gay bastard"

:'(

She is 9 for fucks sake!

It really upset me when she said that. Tbh i was quite devastated, i just froze and shook my head in disbelief.

It isn't easy talking to a 9 year old about stuff like that but i will tell her at some point that it isn't acceptable to say things like that, hope she understands.


So apart from that dampner today, the weekend has been fairly enjoyable just tomorrow that will be a pain in the ass but i'll get through it. Somehow...

The fact that Steven wont be in this week helps. Dunno why he isn't in but i'm not gonna complain. Well maybe i will a little coz that means there will be no iPhone deal this week and probably not for a few weeks in that case.

Ho hum.


Thanks for your comments and experiences with glasses and contact lenses. I still haven't mentioned it to my mum but as i said, over the summer is probably the best time. I can wait for now :)

Also, erm, im thinking of doing some stuff with my blog.

Don't worry, nothing drastic but i'm kinda getting bored looking at the same thing all the time. I'm thinking a new template but same colour perhaps, i'll try not to make the change too... changey. I don't really like change when i get used to something but i think i need to separate the main body of text from the sidebar. Make them different colours or something or else it looks a bit jumbled (it does to me at least :P)

And i am going to add a poll too, ive got an idea in mind so look out for a poll in the coming days. It should be something music orientated.

Anyhoo, that's about all for now. Must do a bit more revision and then get some sleep for my busy day ahead tomorrow.

<3

Hugs,
Rowan


PS Anton, i've added your blog to my links. Guys, if you haven't seen Anton's blog yet (somehow) go check it out! - http://antonshaus.blogspot.com/