This isn't the next post i had in mind but my need for help has only developed over the past few hours. It is an issue i'm sure many, or at least some, gay guys experience... having girls fancy them.
Im quite flattered that not one, but two different girls are seemingly interested in me. Lets me know i'm not completely hideous!
The thing is, both are rather close friends which just ups the awkwardness to unbearable levels.
First, there is Susan who i usually walk to the train with after school and see her at break/lunchtime etc.
Then there is Rose. The previous time i mentioned her was when i was talking about her being a lesbian. Well, it appears not now. I also see her at breaks and lunchtime.
It all came about on Facebook (as it usually does) Rose was asking if i wanted to go to the cinema tomorrow to which i tried to say no in the nicest way i could. I hate rejecting people but there's already a big meet planned tomorrow at someone's house so i wasn't changing my plans. She couldn't seem to accept it and got upset so i started to feel bad.
Susan, in her wisdom, managed to sense this and talked to me through private messages. She pretty much revealed that Rose is interested in me, even if i've had the feeling that she does for over a month a now, she confirmed it. She said, "Rose is trying to make it into some sort of competition". To which i replied, "With who?"
Only for Susan to say, "Me"
As with Rose, i had a slight feeling that Susan was interested in me, too, but now i know. The cat is out of the bag. But when she said it i had that old Bruce Willis moment. The one where he's in a really crap situation but starts to laugh anyway, in despair.
I basically replied saying that i am flattered but need time to think and still want to remain friends no mater what. Which is, in fact, the truth.
But the awkward situation remains... I'm still gay. Oh, Josh knows that both Rose and Susan fancy me as well so how will it look to people that know if i turn down the advances of two girls?
It basically screams, "LOOK AT ME, I'M A HOMO!!!" With rainbows decorating the words and fairies dancing around in their thousands.
As i said, there's a big meet tomorrow at a friends' house. Susan will be there, not sure about Rose but avoiding the situation won't do any good. It'll be awkward but i will need to tell BOTH that i don't feel the same way. I could barely turn down going to the cinema, so i don't know how i'm going to justify rejecting going out with them. (I hate that word - reject. *shivers* It's so cruel)
Susan already suspects i'm gay, not gonna lie about it, All of us were at the park the other day. It was lovely, the sun was out and spirits were high. Anyway, twice, Susan asked me twice, "Are you gay?" in front of at least 7 other people. I hate when she does that, it's so annoying. She's asked me before just between us and i've managed to deflect it which only raises suspicions and i did so again at the park which only raises the suspicions of EVERYONE.
Fuck, i'm not ready to be out to EVERYONE.
Really.
And that's where the situation is so awful. When (not if) i reject Susan, she will automatically assume i'm gay. Josh probably will. Susan's close friends - probably the same. Rose, probably as well. With that many people with that knowledge in a high school environment it is going to spread like *wildfire*
Dayum. It's closing in. I'm just thinking. I'm probably not going to be able to live as "straight me" for much longer. "Bisexual me" seems like a long way off as well. "Gay me" is popping his head way out of the closet and screaming, "IT'S TIME"
It could, and i think is quite likely to happen tomorrow. There's supposed to be alcohol involved so perhaps i could just get so completely drunk that i don't give a flying shit. Either way, i think it could. I'm not going to avoid it. I'll brave it, for some reason. Why put it off?
A penny for you guys' thoughts? Please, i need something, anything :/
Rowan <3
juiceboys *2524
1 week ago
G'Day Rowan,
ReplyDeleteI haven't commented much, but I have been following your fortunes this year. You are the constant among my blog-list.
As for your 'situation', you will be able to remain friends with both Susan and Rose! But it will be the same friendship you already have. Which is better than none - so no rejection needed.
This is something that has to be planned. You need to have all the bits in place because when the news does break, it will be out of your control. If you reckon the news is going to come out, then it is best that you take charge of how it comes out.
So 3 things:
1) When will it break?
2) You need to have support ready for when it does break.
3) Timing.
#1 When will the dam break?
At the latest, when you announce it. At the earliest, as soon as you have told one of the girls. Tell them you will announce it, and they will keep quiet until then.
Which brings us to how to tell them without them running to phone/twitter/facebook, etc.? Answer: face-to-face (separately) and tell them - before everyone gets together at the big meet.
Reading between the lines, Susan says she's interested in you, but thinks you are gay???? Rose is just interested in you? I suspect Susan is interested out of curiosity, like a journalist, so is more likely to broadcast it immediately. So break the news to Rose first.
Visit her personally before the big meet. Tell her you have good news and bad news - that stops her running away when you break the bad news (which people always want first, for some reason). Good news: this is serious, and you respect her to keep a secret. Bad news: you can't go steady (or what you lot call it nowadays). Good news: you're gay and can stay friends - please.
Do exactly the same with Susan. But with her, plan your coming out. That should keep her quiet until the allotted time. Having your arms around both Rose and Susan when you announce it will make the guys really jealous!
More...
contd...
ReplyDelete#2. Support.
Tell your Mum - and your Dad. You will need their support, and they need to be prepared. Anyway, how are you going to get to Rose and Susan before the big meet? Dad could drive you there and wait outside - I know it's a work day, but he might just stay home for you today. Also, they will want to know how you are going to deal with it. So it's better you have got something ready to discuss with them. He could also be waiting outside the big meet in case you need a quick exit (which I doubt, but be prepared).
Friends. The new group you are with sound as though they will be supportive, and you will need support when the news does break. That means telling close friends who will keep their mouths shut until the world finds out.
That's tricky, because some blabbermouths will be upset that you didn't tell them beforehand. What to say to people you didn't forewarn? Tell them this could backfire horrifically for you, you felt they were unsympathetic or uncommittal to gays, (which you understand), but you couldn't take the chance. Now you know better, will they still be your friend? It's important to you.
Telling close friends that you are going to announce it, will help them keep their mouths shut in anticipation of the big event - and be there for you when you do. You need people to say they knew and they are right behind you. Oops ... well, u know what I mean.
What to tell them? The truth. You will announce it at the big meet, but you want them to know beforehand. Will they back you up?
#3 Timing.
a) Tell parents,
b) Tell chosen friends (phone or face-to-face, no text/twitter/facebook),
c) Visit Rose,
d) visit Susan.
e) Announce it at the big meet. No problem there because the important people already know, and are expecting it.
If the girls don't know when you visit them, then you know you have some good friends. If they do know, ask who told them: they are no longer your friend.
But remember: put nothing in text or on a computer, or it will be out of your hands within seconds.
I said in an earlier comment that girls are much better at coping with gays than guys are. Logically, they can be relaxed with you, knowing you are not always trying to get it on. You are going to get a lot more girlfriends!
All the best, I know I shouldn't worry, you are mature beyond your years, but please get back to us with the news - good or bad. I believe you will have more close friends after today than you ever thought possible. But I'm biased.
r.jimlad
Hey Rowan.
ReplyDeleteI always hate when that happens. Like you, I don't like turning people away, or making them sad. This is a tough problem.
One way you might be able to not 'out' yourself just by turning them down, is to point out that you value their friendship too much to want to jeopardize what you already have. Yeah, it's pretty cheesy, and maybe even lame, but it might work.
I find it interesting how many of your friends question whether or not you're gay, and how often. Why are they so curious? I'd ask them. Next time one of them asks, ask them why it's so damn important to them. Just doesn't seem to make sense. I can understand being curious about it, but it seems some of them are pestering you about it a lot.
I hope you can figure out a way to deal with this problem that you're comfortable with. As it has been said before, it's no one's right to know whether or not you're gay. It's YOUR right to tell who you want, when you want, and how you want.
Hope it goes well!
143
_Kevin
I don't see why you can't be friends with both these girls without being romantically involved. Friends can go to a movie or otherwise spend time with each other without being lovers, no matter what their sex.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, it might be Susan who can save things for you. She has indicated she likes you, even just as a friend. She has asked you if you are gay a number of times, you say, and you have avoided answering her truthfully. Perhaps she is the one you should confide in, privately. If she still wants to remain friends, which it sounds like she does, you can tell her you are not ready to 'come out' to everyone at this point and ask her to keep your secret. I think she will. She can then 'deflect' any other advances from people like Rose. I think she would. She might even do that by claiming you as her 'own'. There is no reason she can't appreciate having you as a friend and protect you even though you can't be her love interest. That sounds like the best way 'out' to me at this point.
If you don't want to come out just yet at school, the only way I know of to say "no" with the least impact is to tell them you really like them as friends, but don't like them "that way." It's honest, and it's nicer than avoiding the situation. I wish I could think of another option, but the only other things I can think of would have to involve lying.
ReplyDeleteI was put in a vaguely similar situation in college when the new girlfriend of a boy upon whom I had a big crush kept trying to set me up with another girl. It made me extremely uncomfortable. I'd not yet come to terms with my sexuality (that was still a few years away), but I knew I wasn't interested in dating any girls. I can't believe no one suspected I was gay, seeing as I went eight years without a single date.
Dear Rowan,
ReplyDeleteI think you know the best possible solution out of this awkward situation. I read it between the lines of your post and it is probably what I would do. However, awkward situations remain awkward and hurdles will always take some effort and courage.
First of all, getting drunk and outing yourself in such a way isn't the way to go. At least, so it appears to me. You are a bit scared about outing yourself to everyone. Understandable. Most are. I was too. And believe me the rumors about me didn't all go that well. So instead of outing yourself to everyone, why not be the perfect gentleman. Ask to talk to both girls in private. They know there are some vibes between you three, so won't mind talking about it (hoping they get the answer they were hoping for). Although this might be awkward. Tell them there are several reasons why you don't want to date either of them. That is in fact the truth. Firstly, relationship most of the times screw up friendships afterwards. No one can deny that. And you like both so much as friends, you don't want to screw that up. Can you trust both girls? Because secondly, (now it gets a bit harder) as they are your friends tell them you don't fancy either of them because you're gay. From previous post it seemed to me like you're ready to at least tell some close friends about it. So if you feel the courage and you think you are ready, grab this opportunity to tell those girls the truth. It may hurt a bit to both, but at least you're honest. Furthermore, starting outing yourself by telling some close friends is the preferred way by a lot of teens. You pick those who you trust and they can help and support you with the rest. With respect to Josh, you gave the answer to your problem yourself as well. In another post you said you were prepared to tell him the truth. So why mind the fact that he will get to know the answer via a friend? I don't think it bothers you that much that he will know. You seem ready for it. You said it yourself, maybe unconsciously. It's just scary as hell. There's not much of a cure for that, except for just looking what will happen when he does know. Finally, if you mind the fact that he will get notice of it via someone else, then try to tell him yourself after you told your (girl)friends. Concerning the rumors, there is not much to do about them. You can of course deny. But my experience tells me they fade out, so they shouldn't be your main concern.
I know that probably all advice will be bad advice. None will take away the pain you might go through before outing yourself. Whatever I and others may say, you will still have to do it yourself and everyone's situation is different. But one thing is the same for every gay teen: the feeling you can finally be your true self, however hard it may have been, will make you feel proud of yourself and is one of the best feelings you will ever know in your life!
Wouter
P.s.: Girls love having gayfriends! They're even more perfect than their boyfriends. They have similar interests, e.g. talking about boys. ;)
Tell Susan or Rose the secret and say that you will go with her as long as she keeps your secret to herself. The question is whether you can trust either of them. If you're confident of both, choose the one you'd rather spend time with.
ReplyDeleteSusan isn't much of a friend, asking you in front of other people. It seems you're a trophy for her. But OTOH that may mean she'd be more willing to keep her mouth shut if she can be draped over your arm.
Anyway, if either will keep your secret, then you have your cover for as long as you want it.
its not an easy situation to be in Rowan especially as it looks like you have quite a large group of friends I don't think you have to tell everyone about your sexuality.
ReplyDeleteworst thing you could ever do is get pissed and just tell everyone it will just make matters 100 times worse .
it is flattering that rose and Susan have the hots for you this is going to sound bad Rowan but you have to let them know it does sound as if Susan has guessed already rose more than likely bisexual now will understand the situation . so I would tell them both together dont think either would get that mad at you its not as if you have led them on in anyway .
If people are going to find out I would at least try and keep the numbers as low as possible others will find out am guessing they will take the good for him approach .Lee
Ro,
ReplyDeleteYour life is so EXCITING!!!
:-)
-Andy
(ps, nothing to add to the already good advice here.)
It's time. If you keep on dodging it, it will just feed the gossip. Take control, come out on your own terms, and enjoy your last year of school just being able to be yourself.
ReplyDeleteAn awful lot of wisdom in the previous posts, and I can't think of much to add, but I did want to say that you'll know if the time and place are right. I think I'd prefer a face-to-face in a more private setting, and I think I'd also tell Susan that you don't appreciate her asking personal things like that in front of everyone...that your sexuality is your business to announce when and where and to whom you choose. That sounds harsh, but sometimes people don't realize how insulting/hurtful they are being because they don't suspect, therefore it's no worse than saying "That's so gay" to something bad. We all know how that feels.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, Rowan, and know that we're here if you need a shoulder...or a pat on the back! Perhaps it's your time to come out, and just think, then it's over and done with, you can withstand the "fallout" which in your group is likely to be minimal if all the other teens who have done it - and agonized over it - are right in their reporting of "the event".
Peace <3
Jay
This is posted on behalf of Jack, who is having trouble posting...100% copy and paste:
ReplyDeleteHey Rowan, Jack here (cant comment for some reason) anyway, sorry if this is too late but i jsut wanted to comment and give my advice.
oh, and as for people keep asking you, a way to divert the question AND get some insight is to simply ask why people keep asking you. That way you'll find out why they think that/who while appearing straight, just make sure to do it in a humours manner, so when you dont come out, no one will be upset/offended.
The way i see it is that you dont have to come out if your not ready. True there may be some rumours, but there will be no proof, and you have some great frineds to fall back on. If your not ready to come out then just tell the girls that you like them just as friends, that you dont want to ruin anything or even that you see them more like a sister. Those lines have saved me a fair few times, and arnt really lying too much.
Definatelly DONT get drunk! because then not only will it slip out and by your toung, but it could be a LOT more disasterous. You'll have even less control over what you say and how it sounds, so just be careful.
and think long and hard about maybe telling a few friends that you think you can trust, like josh. I'm sure they would understand and keep it quiet. especially your bi friends.
so hope this helps and reaches you in time Jack xx (with thanks to Jay xD)
You could always change your FB status to "Sorry, ladies, I suck dick." and leave it at that...
ReplyDelete*ducks*
Love, always!
-David
My personal advice would be to tell Susan and ask she not tell anyone else. Of course, knowing how much you want to stay in the closet for now (which may be a good decision), you could also tell her you're not looking for a relationship right now. A friend of mine ran into this situation a week or so ago and I gave him these two pieces of advice. He chose the latter, and he and the girl are still friends and she doesn't really think any differently. Give it a try.
ReplyDelete