Part-ay

Last night was Nicholas' party and i'm not going to lie, I wasn't really looking forward to it.

Was mostly that i was still in bed at 2pm, it was raining and i still had to get ready and everything. But after i did all that, i felt nervous about going because I knew Kev was going to be there and I knew that when he was drunk, he would try something.

Such a thing never materialised but the whole thing turned into quite a riot.

Must have been about 20 people there at one point, at least half of them drunk. I was kinda in-between in all honesty, but got drunk later on - a late bloomer. Melly got everyone's requests in so the party didn't really start till she got there but when she did, i just didn't feel in the mood.

Loads of people just tore straight into the vodka but i hate the stuff so i just had a few quiet beers and talked to the sober people. Around this point, i found myself in a room with a few people and Susan was there as well and somehow the conversation turned to me and about how i've never had a girlfriend.
Fucking joy.

Susan was all hinty like, "It's not as if you haven't had offers"

All the while i was playing guitar and pretending i wasn't bothered and someone said, "It just amazes me you haven't been out with anyone"

I somehow passed it off and the conversation disappeared but then Melly came over for a chat, a good old private chat. She seen me struggling through the conversation and asked me if there were any guys i did like. Now by this time, i'd had a few more trips to the fridge so was a bit more drunk. Not as drunk as i have previously been but drunk enough for things to happen and say that i normally wouldn't.

I ended up telling her i've been practically in love with Bryan but that i'm just about giving it up because he clearly doesn't like guys. We then went into the "secret room" as i dubbed it (Nicholas' bedroom as it's where i first came out to Melly and Josh - weird huh?)
And in return she told me that she really fancied some guy at the party. Can't remember the fine details.

But the biggest shock of my night was when she went, "I had a dream about you the other night"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, you threw me up against a wall and started kissing me"

*awkward silence*

"I know you're gay but i was wondering what that would actually be like..."

*even more awkward silence*

Then she approached me... and kissed me... and i kissed her back. Must have been a good 15/20 seconds at least.

Afterwards - "Yeh, lets not tell anyone about that. Not even Josh. It stays in the secret room". We laughed and then went our separate ways.

I cannot explain how I allowed for that to happen. Firstly, she's a good friend so it shouldn't have happened and secondly, i'm fucking gay so it just totally baffles me. I'm not even attracted to her in the slightest! I can only blame the drink.

But the drama doesn't stop there, oh no! -http://inception.davepedu.com/

Even more happened in the secret room. Not long after that... meeting with Melly than was i back in there on my own with Susan. It all came out... but I didn't.

I told her basically, that i'm sorry i don't feel the same way for her as she does for me. I just never said till now because i can't stand disappointing people. She told me she pretty much figured out already but it was good to finally hear it so i was pleased at least. I just sat with my arm around her for a few minutes while she told me about some guy who does fancy her but she doesn't feel the same way.

I'm sitting like, "Now you know how i felt!" haha

I just said some nice reassuring things to her because she felt bad and i think she was better after that so we left the room. Well, i did. Kev burst in on us and i was thinking, "Oh, here we go" but i managed to leave and Kev and Susan had more than a little chat, if you get me.


Christ. Drink does the strangest things. Probably should have been me that stayed in that room while Susan left. It's what i would have expected at the start of the night.

Anyhow, the conclusion to this crazy story is that Melly and I ended up walking the guy who fancies Susan to the end of the road because he was leaving early.
Basically, things came full circle because i ended up chatting with all three of the people concerned in this drama: Melly, Susan, and the guy who fancies Susan.

I'm sorry this probably makes no sense to anyone reading this. It barely makes sense to me but it's helping me figure out exactly what the situation is :P

After he got picked up, Melly asked, "So did our kiss change anything or have i not managed to sway you at all?"

"Nope, sorry. Still gay", I laughed and we went back to the house to find more than 4 people had thrown up. I took this as my hint not to have any more or else i'd end up like them.

People cleared out not long after that but i was staying overnight so i helped a few of the sick people find a bed - i had sobered up mostly by this time.

I ended up in a bed with Josh and neither of us could sleep so there was banter to be had and he somehow found out about Kev and Susan doing stuff so we laughed about that.

That gaming marathon still has us fecked though. We were both still awake at 7am before we drifted off.
There are still things i want to talk to him about though and i don't know if i should tell him about Melly and I. I feel he deserves to know since they're best friends but maybe some things are better left unsaid.
I'll play that one by ear.

Anyway, i know this post has been disjointed. But that's what parties are like for ya!

In summary:
- Melly knows i fancy/fancied Bryan. The first person who does know about that. Oh, i also told her that i came out to him as well and she was happy for me so yay \o/
- Melly and I kissed.
- Finally resolved things with Susan without actually coming out to her... maybe i should've...
- Found out extra stuff about Melly and Susan that will probably crop back up in the near future.
- I didn't throw up like i usually do when i'm drunk xD

All in all, i can't really tell if it was a good night or not but i'll take it as it was.

Ciao for now.

I'm beginning to like that phrase ^^


Rowan <3


P.S There's probably things I've forgotten to put in this post that i'll remember after i publish it but there's already enough going on here so i'll just leave it there :P

Updates

So it's been a while since my last post (prepare yourself for a long'un) and for good reason.

This summer has been way more eventful and outgoing for myself than i'd have ever imagined.

Honestly, i've spent as much time at my house as i have at other people's. It's strange coz i never usually do a lot over summer. Just sit inside and do whatever but anyway, onto what you're probably expecting to read.

The situation between myself, Susan and Rose for starters.

Rose is sorted and there was quite a bit of skill involved actually, however mean that sounds.

It was over Facebook, as it usually is. She goes, "You're gay for me" and im thinking, "Ah, this could be going somewhere" so i replied with "Nup"

It continued: 

Rose: yep

Me: Nope

Rose: why not :(

Me: Cuz

Rose: ye that makes sence >.<

Me: Yup.

Rose: your boring me

Me: I am boring.

Me: and you're*

Rose: not usually :( you just dont love me anymore

Me: ... (5 minutes later)

‎Rose: :/

Not my proudest moment but it had to be done. Facebook, in person, doesn't matter. Still felt bad but it's probably easier over the internet tbh but now that Rose has realised it ain't happening, i still have to sort things with Susan.

I honestly think the best way of dealing with it is to let it all fade away. If i don't act then surely that gets the hint across that i'm not interested, right?

Instead of going through with some overblown and awkward confrontation, letting things slide away gradually sounds a lot better and that way we can remain friends as well, whereas i'm not sure how the ground will lie with Rose when i see her next.

At least it isn't awkward with Susan at the moment, such as this previous weekend.

It was her birthday and it was a blast!

Just took place at her house, group of friends were invited. Good fun.

There was secret talk amongst us all of getting alcohol somehow coz we knew her parents would be gone for a bit.

Didn't matter in the end coz her parents actually bought a whole crate of Budweiser for the guys and loads of Smirnoff Ice for the ladies!

What legends.

It was another evening of getting drunk without planning to.

I need to learn how to handle alcohol properly coz i threw up again. My theory is that both times i was drinking i hadn't eaten so next time, i will make sure i do :P

Anyway, when a group of teenagers are left alone with alcohol, funny and weird things happen.

Such as me and Nicholas kissing.

This was after a few beers but i remember it vividly and it was nice but by the same token it was very brief and more akin to a little kiss you'd give your mother, if maybe just a little bit more than that. However, it was overshadowed by a full french kiss involving Melly and another girl. This was in the middle of the living room with everyone watching. Guess that's one way to announce your sexuality.

I think Melly made a bit of a boo-boo there coz it's what most people remember from that night. Not that anybody is hating on her coz of it tho which is good.

Anyhoo, Susan's parents were awesome. They actually came back home and this was after most of the drink had been drunk. A bit tactless but they must have been geared up for it. They were both really concerned for me when i was sick but when i half sobered up, i said thanks and sorry. Was weird :P

I'd be tempted to go out with Susan just because her parents are so great... jokes, jokes.

I didn't actually end up going home for a few days after that. Stayed a night at Nicholas' house with a load of people and the day after i went to Josh's. 

Usually that involves a whole load of Rock Band but it was one of the nicest days of the year so far so we went a walk. He lives in the countryside pretty much so some of the scenery was actually quite lovely. There's a great little river round the back of his house as well which he didn't know about.

He's lived there for 4 years and it took me and a bit of sun for him to find that out. Yeah, he's quite a nerd :P

What else has been happening recently? Let's see... 

Oh yeh, I went to an auditioning for a film the other week. 

Ok. Not so much an auditioning but fill in some details and get your picture taken. It's only to be an extra but hey, the pay is rather good. Maybe £100 a day and could be working for 10!

More on that when i find out if i'm in or not. I do hope i find out soon coz it will affect the rest of my plans for summer...

I'm supposed to be going with Josh, and a group of other friends, to his dad's house near Manchester someplace but i can't commit to it until i know if i've been cast or not :P

I'd love to do both but there's a good chance they could clash. If they don't then it will probably take place when school starts back so i wouldn't be able to go... there's also Reading and Leeds at the end of next month to think about.

If only they could have given us the dates and i could have made my mind up before i auditioned!

Next month would be perfect if i could be in the film, go to Josh's, and go to Reading and Leeds. Unlikely but who knows.

Speaking of films, I've become a bit of a movie buff recently. I've applied to a local cinema group (another thing i'm waiting to hear back from) and when i've not been out and about, i've been watching movies.

So many films out there that i've not seen. I have a list that i'm currently working my way through. For example, one of the most recent was There Will Be Blood and the next few include Chinatown, Das Boot and Raging Bull.

Anyway, one reason i've applied to this group is to further my movie knowlegde, as well as talk about movies with people my age, get out the house a little and (although nobody will admit it) put it down on a CV for applying to university.

The atmosphere at the group is also unbelievably camp. I swear at least 2 or 3 of the guys there are gay! 

So i do quite hope i get accepted into that.

I'll finish by talking a little about Reading and Leeds, which is now exactly a month away! I'm excited, but nervous at the same time coz i'm still waiting on the Reading tickets. Got my Leeds but Reading seems to be waiting around. I check my email literally every day just to see if there's been any change :P

Going with Bryan doesn't seem as great as it once did. I haven't seen him once since school let out which is a shame (since he owes me a fair amount of money... kidding) but just because i do quite miss him. But not seeing him has made me realise something. I've seen people like Josh, Rob, Nicholas, Susan et al so many times recently compared to not seeing Bryan at all. It's probably coz he isn't actually in the same friend group in all honesty.

But then there's a reason for that. People in the same friend group are there because they get on well with each other. Obviously Bryan gets on better with other people which i just have to accept. Nothing that can be done about that.

I mean, he is still a friend but isn't quite a friend like Josh, for example. 

Josh lives over 10 miles away and i've seen him more for christ sake! That speaks volumes in my opinion. Plus, im comfortable enough for Josh to know i'm gay but i've no intention of telling Bryan.

Anyway, i am going to try and invite him round over the weekend. Will be nice to spend a bit of time with him again and on the plus side, i now know he didn't end up going bald after all xD

Phew. Think that's just about all i've got in me for now. I'd have posted this in bits over the past few weeks if i had to time but if you've read this far you can probably see that's been a bit difficult to come across!

After about 3 weeks of nothing i felt i owed a longish post anyway so there it is... what you've just slaved your way through reading.

Hope y'all are fine and dandy :)

Rowan <3

Really into this song by the Fab Four at the moment:

Here's the Story

In my last post i mentioned there was a big meet up at someone's house so just for background information this "someone" was Nicholas. Mentioned him a few posts back, he's mega rich, massive house and his parents are away on holiday. I ended up staying two nights for that reason which is why this post has been a bit delayed.

Anyways, I went to his on Wednesday, kinda nervous coz i knew Susan would be there and i had the idea in my head that i'd be able to talk privately with her somewhere. However, with all that was going on - clearing ASDA out of their full stock of 1 litre Orange Lucoazde bottles between us, messing around on computers etc - and mainly coz there were so many people there, it turned out to be impossible. I think there were 10 people in total.

The opportunity to talk never presented itself, besides it was already awkward enough. We barely talked from the time she got there (2pm) to the time she left (bout 9pm)

I seem to remember we did talk a bit but that's only after the booze came out...

*facepalm*

Yes. I'll own up now. I got drunk.

Trust me, i didn't plan to but it happened. Nicholas started drinking to build up some Dutch courage to break up with his girlfriend and then continued to drink in celebration afterwards. Josh had a little, his friend Melly had some and then i thought, "What the hell" and joined in.

It was an innocent mix of gin and coke to begin with but we soon discovered Nicholas' wine seller and that was it. I ended up getting drunk on red wine, how very homosexual.

But this lead to the most important detail of the night. Bits of this instance are missing from memory, like most of the night in general, but i told Josh and his friend, Melly, that i do like guys.

I don't remember how but we found ourselves in a private part of the house, all 3 of us drunk and i seem to recall me saying something along the lines of, "Guys, i'm at least bi you know, i do like guys." To my knowledge, i did not full out say i was gay but in all honesty, i probably could've coz both of them didn't mind. As i said my memory is a bit blank in places but i also recall Bryan's name coming up in that conversation o_O

Hope i didn't say something a bit more, than i thought. Josh didn't mention Bryan the next day when we talked but i haven't discussed it yet with Melly. She also levelled with me by saying that she is probably bi and has done things with girls before. Whaddya know.

For the record, this was after Susan had left the house and the conversation was solely between Josh, Melly and I. I don't know why i told Melly tho. I know her fairly well but not well enough to say what i did in all honesty. Thankfully, Josh and her are tight and he has assured me that she won't go talking and neither will he. By the same token, i won't go blabbing about Melly so we're on the same playing field.

That was the night's main events apart from all of us attempting (and apparently failing) to walk Melly home and then returning to Nicholas' house and throwing up in his sink whilst on Facebook via my iPod at the same time.

The people who stayed sober had a good laugh about that. Josh, Melly, Nicholas and i were the most drunk. A few others had enough to get a little drunk and the rest didn't touch any. Our group honestly isn't one to go drinking a lot. I personally am not so i'm a bit surprised i did tbh. I'm a bit surprised ANY of us did but there you go. It has made me realise why people do drink with their friends. Part of it was quite fun, but it's the aftermath - the vomiting and the headaches - that counters it.

It's certainly the most drunk i've ever been though and if i ever do again i will make sure i've at least eaten something and i'm not drinking red wine - i swear i thought i was throwing up blood at the time - hopefully beer, if anything.

Anyway, now that you've read all that i'm guessing a few of you may be quite disappointed and rightly so. I did read all your comments and i did try hard to speak openly with Susan to clear the air but to no avail. Getting drunk certainly wasn't part of my game plan so i can only apologise once again. I certainly didn't ignore anything that was said. I considered it all and thank you for going to the trouble of attempting to help me.

At the end of the day, things have worked out positively for the moment. Not 100% positively but it's still good nevertheless. Two trustworthy people know i like guys. I see that as a plus. The situation with Susan and Rose needs to just work itself out however, and Josh even believes the same.

I see a lot more of Susan than i do of Rose. Rose is like an annoying stalker to be brutally honest. She texts me non-stop but i hardly see her. I'll be surprised if i do once this summer but if i do, i will try to get her to back off even if i hate rejecting people in that way.

Susan is on holiday for a week or two but no doubt i'll see her and hopefully i can tell her then. Whether i have to come out to either of them remains to be seen. I don't know. Josh (who knows both quite well) thinks the best thing to do would be to just tell them i'm sorry i don't feel the same way about them and like them as friends. A few comments suggested this as well and i'm more inclined to agree with them.

Josh has my back though which is an important thing. Well, i'd like to think he does.


Anyhoo, as for now i'm back home and just trying to relax after the last few days. It's been hectic, fun, interesting and worrying. Nothing happened the second day i was there apart from loads of gaming. Perhaps part of the reason i did get drunk was because i knew i didn't have to go home the next day... who knows, but apparently festivities involving alcohol are planned again for tonight.

Josh is still there, Nicholas obviously and Melly is returning. I'll leave them to it. If i didn't have such a busy weekend then i might consider it but it doesn't matter anyway coz i'm home now. See, I AM responsible. I know when enough is enough :P

But i just want to apologise again if i've let anyone down. I really hope i haven't and i appreciate your help. This situation isn't pleasant (although its certainly easier with advice from folk reading this!) but hopefully it isn't as bad as it seems and can be cleared up within the next few weeks. I'll keep you updated, of course, and i'll try to sort it out as best i can.


Rowan <3

Help?

This isn't the next post i had in mind but my need for help has only developed over the past few hours. It is an issue i'm sure many, or at least some, gay guys experience... having girls fancy them.

Im quite flattered that not one, but two different girls are seemingly interested in me. Lets me know i'm not completely hideous!

The thing is, both are rather close friends which just ups the awkwardness to unbearable levels.

First, there is Susan who i usually walk to the train with after school and see her at break/lunchtime etc.
Then there is Rose. The previous time i mentioned her was when i was talking about her being a lesbian. Well, it appears not now. I also see her at breaks and lunchtime.

It all came about on Facebook (as it usually does) Rose was asking if i wanted to go to the cinema tomorrow to which i tried to say no in the nicest way i could. I hate rejecting people but there's already a big meet planned tomorrow at someone's house so i wasn't changing my plans. She couldn't seem to accept it and got upset so i started to feel bad.

Susan, in her wisdom, managed to sense this and talked to me through private messages. She pretty much revealed that Rose is interested in me, even if i've had the feeling that she does for over a month a now, she confirmed it. She said, "Rose is trying to make it into some sort of competition". To which i replied, "With who?"
Only for Susan to say, "Me"

As with Rose, i had a slight feeling that Susan was interested in me, too, but now i know. The cat is out of the bag. But when she said it i had that old Bruce Willis moment. The one where he's in a really crap situation but starts to laugh anyway, in despair.

I basically replied saying that i am flattered but need time to think and still want to remain friends no mater what. Which is, in fact, the truth.

But the awkward situation remains... I'm still gay. Oh, Josh knows that both Rose and Susan fancy me as well so how will it look to people that know if i turn down the advances of two girls?

It basically screams, "LOOK AT ME, I'M A HOMO!!!" With rainbows decorating the words and fairies dancing around in their thousands.

As i said, there's a big meet tomorrow at a friends' house. Susan will be there, not sure about Rose but avoiding the situation won't do any good. It'll be awkward but i will need to tell BOTH that i don't feel the same way. I could barely turn down going to the cinema, so i don't know how i'm going to justify rejecting going out with them. (I hate that word - reject. *shivers* It's so cruel)

Susan already suspects i'm gay, not gonna lie about it, All of us were at the park the other day. It was lovely, the sun was out and spirits were high. Anyway, twice, Susan asked me twice, "Are you gay?" in front of at least 7 other people. I hate when she does that, it's so annoying. She's asked me before just between us and i've managed to deflect it which only raises suspicions and i did so again at the park which only raises the suspicions of EVERYONE.

Fuck, i'm not ready to be out to EVERYONE.

Really.

And that's where the situation is so awful. When (not if) i reject Susan, she will automatically assume i'm gay. Josh probably will. Susan's close friends - probably the same. Rose, probably as well. With that many people with that knowledge in a high school environment it is going to spread like *wildfire*

Dayum. It's closing in. I'm just thinking. I'm probably not going to be able to live as "straight me" for much longer. "Bisexual me" seems like a long way off as well. "Gay me" is popping his head way out of the closet and screaming, "IT'S TIME"

It could, and i think is quite likely to happen tomorrow. There's supposed to be alcohol involved so perhaps i could just get so completely drunk that i don't give a flying shit. Either way, i think it could. I'm not going to avoid it. I'll brave it, for some reason. Why put it off?


A penny for you guys' thoughts? Please, i need something, anything :/


Rowan <3

Change...and Stuff

I wanted to maybe keep this for my 200th post (this is 187) but i thought why should i wait?

You see, i don't really consider my blog to be "daily" anymore. It probably hasn't ever been, i would say. And this current name has also been floating around since the first day i created my blog.
I even made a second blog using this name but decided against it, so ive changed this blog from "Daily Doings" to "Rowan's Room"

It's still the same blog, still the same everything, essentially. Im not changing the background, nor the URL (simply coz everyone on their blogs would also have to change it, so why the hassle?) or anything.
The only thing i have changed is that my email address is back in the sidebar :)

So there's some change for ya. Hope it doesn't come as too much of a shock ;)


Anyhoo, as for current events. Mum returned on Sunday evening but really wasn't up for long enough before going to bed. Btw, don't picture that as she just came right in and went straight to bed, it just wasn't the right time to talk to her.
I did this morning, briefly.
I asked how London was and she replied "good"
I probably sounded over suspicious asking, "Get up too much?" but she just replied "no."
But then i pushed it further, "Why did you really go down?" and she goes, "to see someone"
"I seen your dad wasn't working so i decided to have a few days off, like a little holiday, if even that"

Yeh, as you do. "Someone". Well, "someone"... doesn't sound great to me. Surely, the trip was more important than just going down to see "someone" Call me paranoid but that just doesn't sound good to me, can't even name the person she went down to see.
"It's nothing sinister" she tried to assure but whatever. I don't want to know any more.


Today, in general, was an average day. I was kinda nervous going into english to see Bryan with his new haircut coz i'd been thinking that i maybe i was only interested in him coz he had awesome hair (how shallow would that have been?) but that was disproved, he still looks hot as ever to me :)
And his hair isn't even awfully short. Plus, he's got a little ear stud xD
I noticed it coz i sit behind him in english and i was thinking to myself, "Is that... holy crap it's an ear stud!"
I asked him about it and he said he had it since he was like 4 (which rings a bell actually, i think he'd told me that once before) but he hasn't been wearing it recently.
Its so cute tho, i love it haha, i told him it looked cool, and so does his hair... :$

I also got a very good school report and im on track to achieve 5 A's in my exams this year. Yeah... pressure much?
I think i can A french and spanish for definite, probably music. Media... depends on the day i think but english im not so sure about. It's certainly the subject i have to work hardest at. Perhaps its coz i just stare at Bryan all lesson and dont concentrate on my work, like last year in English with Alan lol (what am i like?)
So, yeh, the heat's been turned up at school.

Also, and i know you'll tell me to shut up after you read this, but i had another chance to at least say i was bi today. I always walk to the train station with Kev and a girl called Susan. It's great fun, Kev, as you know, is bi, and Susan really doesnt care who's gay and who isn't.
Anyway, Kev wasnt there today but Rob was, funnily enough, and we got to the train station, just started talking about randoms and Rob always does this thing where he pretends to kiss me and Susan went, "Maybe you should check if he's gay first?" and looks at me inquisitively.
I said nothing tho, again. But im annoyed coz i know it wouldnt be a big deal, to just say something like "You're half right" and there you go. (I still wouldnt chance being openly gay)
Half of me wanted to say it but the other half kept it in. Maybe another day? :P

I said this was an average day but i suppose, in reflection, it was quite eventful. Whaddya know!?

Hope you like the changes, everyone!


Rowan <3



This is quite a poppy song and not something i would have thought id listen to, but as someone in the comments section of this vid says, "if franz ferdinand and the whitestripes/raconeteurs had a child this would be it"
So true, great song. Give it a go!