Help?

This isn't the next post i had in mind but my need for help has only developed over the past few hours. It is an issue i'm sure many, or at least some, gay guys experience... having girls fancy them.

Im quite flattered that not one, but two different girls are seemingly interested in me. Lets me know i'm not completely hideous!

The thing is, both are rather close friends which just ups the awkwardness to unbearable levels.

First, there is Susan who i usually walk to the train with after school and see her at break/lunchtime etc.
Then there is Rose. The previous time i mentioned her was when i was talking about her being a lesbian. Well, it appears not now. I also see her at breaks and lunchtime.

It all came about on Facebook (as it usually does) Rose was asking if i wanted to go to the cinema tomorrow to which i tried to say no in the nicest way i could. I hate rejecting people but there's already a big meet planned tomorrow at someone's house so i wasn't changing my plans. She couldn't seem to accept it and got upset so i started to feel bad.

Susan, in her wisdom, managed to sense this and talked to me through private messages. She pretty much revealed that Rose is interested in me, even if i've had the feeling that she does for over a month a now, she confirmed it. She said, "Rose is trying to make it into some sort of competition". To which i replied, "With who?"
Only for Susan to say, "Me"

As with Rose, i had a slight feeling that Susan was interested in me, too, but now i know. The cat is out of the bag. But when she said it i had that old Bruce Willis moment. The one where he's in a really crap situation but starts to laugh anyway, in despair.

I basically replied saying that i am flattered but need time to think and still want to remain friends no mater what. Which is, in fact, the truth.

But the awkward situation remains... I'm still gay. Oh, Josh knows that both Rose and Susan fancy me as well so how will it look to people that know if i turn down the advances of two girls?

It basically screams, "LOOK AT ME, I'M A HOMO!!!" With rainbows decorating the words and fairies dancing around in their thousands.

As i said, there's a big meet tomorrow at a friends' house. Susan will be there, not sure about Rose but avoiding the situation won't do any good. It'll be awkward but i will need to tell BOTH that i don't feel the same way. I could barely turn down going to the cinema, so i don't know how i'm going to justify rejecting going out with them. (I hate that word - reject. *shivers* It's so cruel)

Susan already suspects i'm gay, not gonna lie about it, All of us were at the park the other day. It was lovely, the sun was out and spirits were high. Anyway, twice, Susan asked me twice, "Are you gay?" in front of at least 7 other people. I hate when she does that, it's so annoying. She's asked me before just between us and i've managed to deflect it which only raises suspicions and i did so again at the park which only raises the suspicions of EVERYONE.

Fuck, i'm not ready to be out to EVERYONE.

Really.

And that's where the situation is so awful. When (not if) i reject Susan, she will automatically assume i'm gay. Josh probably will. Susan's close friends - probably the same. Rose, probably as well. With that many people with that knowledge in a high school environment it is going to spread like *wildfire*

Dayum. It's closing in. I'm just thinking. I'm probably not going to be able to live as "straight me" for much longer. "Bisexual me" seems like a long way off as well. "Gay me" is popping his head way out of the closet and screaming, "IT'S TIME"

It could, and i think is quite likely to happen tomorrow. There's supposed to be alcohol involved so perhaps i could just get so completely drunk that i don't give a flying shit. Either way, i think it could. I'm not going to avoid it. I'll brave it, for some reason. Why put it off?


A penny for you guys' thoughts? Please, i need something, anything :/


Rowan <3

First Week of Summer

The past week has been rather awesome. First, there was last weekend which i posted about and then this week was good as well. A combination of lazing around and being active. The latter coming in the second half of the week.

Thursday and Friday were the biggest talking points.... Tickets for Leeds Festival arrived! I could not believe it. I was half waking up when my dad went, "Oh, there's something about Leeds downstairs for you". I was there in about 3 seconds. Can't quite explain the happiness, and relief tbh, of getting them so early.

The Reading tickets are another matter but thats for another time.

So i also went to Josh's on Thursday for like the first time in 2 years. Going to his was always an occasion coz he lives in the bloody back o' beyond. Honestly, about 20 miles away from my house. The drive to his house was actually the first time i ever listened to Muse's "Origin of Symmetry" so it was a nice coincidence that i should be going to his after my tickets just arrived :P

Anyway, t'was the first time in a while i'd been there and it was exactly as i remember: messy as hell.

Didn't matter. Just like old times we played Rock Band and Guitar Hero into the early hours of the morning but not before we had a jam (and no that is not a sexual euphemism!)
I brought my bass round, and a banjo - coz it was Banjo Appreciation Day - and lastly, my amp.

Now, since i got my amp nearly 18 months ago the only time it has moved was when i was moving room and that was bad enough. It's quite a monster. Barely even fit in the back seat of the car :P

So with him on drums and me on bass we proceeded to make a load of noise, churning out some Queens of the Stone Age, Arctic Monkeys, Muse.

This was all our kit, without the mega drum kit and amps in the photo!

I think we're kinda in a band tbh. It's not official but we're thinking of asking Alex if he wants to come and jam one day and we'll see where it goes from there. Never been in a band, me :P

So that was Thursday at Josh's. We were accompanied by 18 bottles of Lucozade in the space of about 24 hours. It's out drink. Always has been, always will be. On the fast track down Diabetes Lane!


Friday was exciting. We had to get back to mine and we got a lift off my dad thankfully (what a god!)

This was because we were due to be on the radio! Ok not big, commercial radio but a volunteer station that a few friends go to on a Friday. Alex usually goes but he couldn't coz he's on holiday and so is one of the other guys so the last remaining guy was asking if anyone wanted to so i said yes immediately and Josh did, too.

It was great fun. Even though it isn't commercial, the station is still regulated by OFCOM so we weren't allowed to swear and it was hilarious how many time we came close to doing so. In general we looked up funny/weird stories to talk about. Talked about the tennis even though i don't have much interest in it and of course we played some tunes! Alex is still away next week so Josh and I could be back on this Friday but i don't really know yet. This weekend is busy enough (i'll talk about it at a later date)

After the radio we had quite an adventure getting home. The train we got wasn't on the usual line so we nearly got lost. We had to actually change lines and while we were waiting we ran through a dodgy part of town in search of more Orange Lucozade but everywhere was sold out :(

And when we got the next train, the conductor questioned our ages even though the previous conductor issued us with juniors tickets (which he shouldn't have done :P). Was quite the adventure indeed.

I honestly have Josh to thank for a good opening week to the summer. Without him, i'd have just been sitting around the house, watching films, playing games, masturbating... the usual :P

However, he didn't actually bring up who i "like", which i found odd. I kept waiting on him to question me and as i said, i wouldn't have told him but i was bracing myself for a while to tell him that i do in fact like guys, but alas, the opportunity never presented itself. Meh, i'm not complaining.


This week is going to be a bit lazier. I don't have much planned, but the weekend seems like it could be quite hectic. We shall see, and i'll post about it soon!


Rowan <3




I do not endorse the lyrical content of this epic song xD

An Obscure Weekend With An Old Friend

I've had quite a strange weekend, spent mostly with an old friend, Josh.

Josh and I used to be literally best friends id say, about 2-3 years ago and then we drifted apart after a falling out. It was over something completely stupid.

He had a bit of a thing for one of my cousins which is well... not wonderful but i wasn't too bothered. It only annoyed me when people started taking the piss out of my cousin for it: she was somewhat interested in Josh who is quite a big guy, not a looker.

Basically, they were making fun of my cousin so i tried to put a stop to it by being a total twat. I said to Josh to leave my cousin alone because people were being assholes about it and also because of the fact that she lives in France so yeh...

Anyway, he took it badly, then i got pissed off with him and we were just no longer friends.

It kinda remained that way for a few years but back in September when i moved into this new social circle i started to get on friendly terms with him again and as it stands, we're pretty much where we were a few years ago which is quite awesome coz he's a great guy.


That's the prelude.

This is the past few days.

I went to stay at Rob's on Friday, Josh was doing as well, and we had a massive Rock Band 3 sesh planned which kinda went ahead but then another guy, Nicholas, who i don't know very well came along and it was just really good fun. He's spoilt rich but one of the most random people i've ever met, i can never take him seriously at all.

I didn't get much sleep on Friday, about an hour max, because Rob's house is all over the place. I ended up sleeping on the floor next to Josh and Nicholas while Rob slept in a nice comfy bed.

Anyhoo, the inevitable chatting commenced and at some point i was asked who i was "interested" in. I never told them, i was never going to in the first place but all three of them pushed me really hard to find out. At some point Rob even said, "Is it guy?" but i was all, "Leave me alone, none of your business" kinda thing and the subject was eventually dropped.

Another something that came up was that Josh, Rob and Nicholas, all three of them, are of the opinion that i am the best looking in the whole group. I don't know how to react to that, i mean there are probably 20 of us in total. It's great that they think so but being modest as i am, i wouldn't say so but neither could i say who is the best looking. Weird :S

There's a strange thing about Nicholas which i feel i must mention. He has no problem being naked, and this is in the company of other guys. While not sleeping i found out that New York legalised gay marriage (and well done to them!) so i said, "Nicholas, with your antics, you'll be glad to know New York has made gay marriage legal" implying that he was gay, but he replied, "Not really, i'm against fags."

Yeh. But as i said, i can never take him seriously so i don't really know. I'll have to ask Josh, he knows Nicholas better. I'd be disappointed if he was really homophobic coz he's honestly a great guy.

But besides that and sleeping on the floor, it was quite a good night. Saturday, however, made the whole thing even more awesome.

Rob had to leave early to meet his girlfriend, an hour and a half away on the train. Yeh, dodgy story, i wont go into it.

So Josh, Nicholas and I were at Rob's house and he wasn't.

On an hours sleep, we proceeded to Nicholas' house. Now, i've met this guy about 3 or 4 times and i've never been to his house (which is bloody MASSIVE) and when i got there, Josh and I found a bottle a whiskey and had a glass of it each - his parents are away for 2 weeks. Random house. Whiskey. Midday. Yup.

What's more is, i even had a shower at the house. I don't tend to shower at others people's houses let alone houses i've never been to. But it was chill and i was even able to dry and straighten my hair.

If this wasn't random enough, Josh got a call from Bella - I know this is a lot of names going about just now, but i've mentioned Bella before, she's the really anti-homophobic girl - to go round to a party as it's her birthday in a few days.

"Why not?" I thought, and Josh and I stole a few beers from Nicholas' dad's cabinet - he's got loads, he wont miss a few.

We didn't get the chance to drink them coz Bella's parents were home but it was still great and was the 2nd house i visited yesterday which i never had before. Random.  Again, i don't even know Bella that well but i still felt bad for not getting her a present.

Loads of our friends showed up and it was an all out great atmosphere. Convinced me to try and get out a bit more this summer.

Anyhoo, it was late by the time i decided to go home and at this time i realised my parents hadn't heard from me all day so i called and i was in quite deep shit.

Even before we walked home from Bella's we still had to go back and collect some stuff from Rob's, so we did. I think we cockblocked him.

We had to wait a good few minutes after we knocked at his door and when we went up to his room, his girlfriend was just sitting there like, "Sup". Again, random.

By the time Josh and I got home it was rather late and my parents still didn't even know i planned for Josh to stay. I got a bit of a telling off but it was fine coz Josh was there; my dad tries to be Mr. Awesome in front of friends - he gave us a beer each and then... (wait for it) a little glass of whiskey. Haha, Josh and I couldn't believe it! 2nd of the day. We toasted the weekend.

It's certainly been one of the most eventful i've had in a good while. I don't generally do much at weekend. Maybe i should...

Anyway, i'm now going to Josh's on Thursday and i can't wait. I'm taking my bass and my massive amp and there'll be Rock Band 3, maybe beer. Gonna be fantastic.

The only not fantastic thing is that i'm quite sure he will ask me who i like again. And again, i wont tell him but i've got a feeling that i may well tell him i like guys... as well as girls? I don't know yet, we'll see but either way Josh seems like quite a trustworthy guy.


Gonna leave it there. Tired from the past few days and i've got a bit of a cold so i need to recover and i shall do so in style - I still have two beers that i nicked from Nicholas!


Rowan <3


P.S I've no idea about the situation with Bryan and his hair. I've heard nothing over the past few days. My guess is that he did get it cut but strangely, i'm not too bothered. Meh.

The Mikado etc.

(first post from new laptop, yay!)

Erm, anyway. Recently, our school has put on a production of the comic opera "The Mikado" which you may, or may not, be familiar with... It is, after all, one of the most frequently played musical theatre pieces in history (according to Wikipedia :P)

Well, it was excellent.

It ran from Saturday evening till Wednesday evening and i seen the penultimate and final performances because i enjoyed it so much.

What made it good were the role reversals. Two lead characters were played by girls and another female character was played by a guy in drag which was quite hilarious. He sang countertenor as well, quite impressive.

The music was also great and is now stuck in my head :P

Seeing it and enjoying it as i did, has quite made me want to participate in some capacity at next year's school show, even though i can't sing. I'm certainly dedicated enough: the train i was due to get this evening was cancelled so i ran/walked for 3 miles in the pouring rain with only 30 minutes to get there! haha

Some would probably call me mad, but i wasn't missing it after having paid for my ticket.

I would say i enjoyed Tuesday's performance more though, because i hadn't seen it in full before, i wasn't in a rush and there were no annnoying twats behind me like there were tonight -_-

But the cast and the musicians were fantastic on both nights, and probably all nights tbh. I'm glad i went to see it after not being sure whether i would or not.


Now on slightly more sour, something has been bothering me recently.

I kind of cringe even posting about it because it's so unbelievably juvenile and immature.

Remember when i posted about Bryan getting his haircut a few months back and i was quite worried that he would look so different afterwards?

Yeah, well this Friday, he's getting his head shaved completely :/

"For a change" allegedly. I've tried to persuade him otherwise in a light-hearted way but it's still going to happen no matter what.

I know how pathetic i sound, trust me. Why this bothers me can only be explained by the fact that for me, long hair on a guy is make or break. I don't find short hair on guys appealing, but thats not to say they still can't be hot.

Regardless, me worrying and obsessing about someone else's choice of hairstyle really is quite sad and i just wish i couldn't give a crap but for some reason i do. It's Bryan after all!

Geez, that's another thing... I still fancy Bryan, im not going to deny it (and "fancy" might be an understatement) but i know i probably will until we go our separate ways next year when high school is done and dusted. Perhaps this Friday could be the change of that.

Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise.

You see, i don't like having an almighty crush on one of my best friends. It's pain-staking and it's awkward coz i can't really say what i want.

I honestly wish i didn't fancy him, i wish i could see him as nothing more than a great friend coz i know that nothing will ever happen between us so maybe when this cutting of hair takes place, the situation will be different. But it's an almighty ask and one i see as unlikely.

I'm just trying to make the best of bad circumstances. I'm caught in two minds and the long wait till Friday isn't helping things.

Then again, school ends on Friday and then i probably won't see him for another 6/7 weeks so his hair might be slightly longer by then?

Fuck, im just clutching at straws. Why i'm worrying about this is so pathetic but there isn't much i can do to change it, even though i would so badly like to.

Im expecting most, if any, comments to be along the lines of, "Grow. The. Fuck. Up." Feel free, it's exactly what i've been telling myself...


Anyway, go see The Mikado etc. Trust a Catholic school to put on a racist opera...

SWISH! No, i joke (they took the racist parts out) It's a good watch and if it's on anytime soon professionally, i'll probably go see it again, and so should you!


Rowan <3

Summer Approaches

And just as well!

I remember that this time last year i was really low, and i mean REALLY low.

It was just really because i was being pushed so hard after finishing exams and i needed a break.

Well, i hate to say, but it's coming to that time again. Ok, i don't feel nearly half as bad as i did then but i can feel it creeping up on me. Just one more week at school and we're done.

But, like last year, i'm still being pushed in all directions by my new subjects and it's just like; FUCK. OFF.

It's not as bad because in senior year it's a bit more relaxed. Free periods, more mature atmosphere etc. but one things that hasn't helped is the confusion around my timetable.

In my last post i said i would be telling my guidance teacher i would like to change back to my original timetable... Yeah, that went down like a lead balloon. You see, SOMEHOW, in the few days i was out of the Modern Studies class, my position was filled meaning i couldn't be put back into it.

I was then forced to pick between loads of subjects that i still didn't want to do but i then found Photography was on offer so i said i'd like to give it a go. This was to my Head of Year as well, so he was all serious about it. I know he was disappointed in me not doing the Advanced English but hey, it's my last year and it's my bloody decision.

Well it turns out Photography wasn't a great choice either. So far. I walked into my first class of it and was bombarded with loads of terms and jargon and ARRRGGGHHHH!

All the meanwhile, im juggling with learning new tenses and practising for speaking in Italian so im like, all over the place.

Using SLR cameras is also something im totally new with and can't quite get my head around. Anyway, i'll stick the class out next week coz i don't want to cause my Head of Year any more hassle than i already have. I know im giving off the impression of being a headless chicken who has no idea of what he wants to do but i picked Photography coz i was interested and coz i couldn't do Modern Studies.

Now the thing is, in early August, after we get our exam results, there is a re-negotiation of subjects that takes place for a few hours in the school. My plan is to waltz in there, hopefully some people have removed themselves from the Modern Studies class freeing up space for yours truly. It's quite a long shot but if it doesn't work im quite stuck.

Also, on a more selfish note, Photography messes up my timetable something awful. It means im in on a Wednesday afternoon and Friday morning, whereas i would have both of them off with Modern Studies. Godly. So yeah, another reason to try and change back.

The worst thing is knowing that i'm the master of my own downfall. If i had just stuck with my timetable, the way i picked it back in April then i would have none of this. No Advanced English crap, no Photography, just a fairly good timetable, and a timetable that i was happy with.
*sigh* This probably sounds really boring and i apologise but yeh, it's really pissing me off right now.


Onto something slightly more interesting.

I am slowly becoming comfortable in school being more... open. I'll be honest, most of my friends could probably guess im at least bi, and i don't try to hide it.

If someone came up and asked me openly if im gay then ok, thats another matter but i would never say flat out "no" to their face coz i just couldn't.

One person that is really helping me be more open is Rob (not like helping as in "Oh i realise whats wrong and i am dedicated to helping you" kind of thing) I've mentioned him before but never really talked about loads. He is bi (as i have said before) or so he claims. Well he has a girlfriend at the moment so yeah...
Anyway, i've been round his house a few days after school recently and it's been lots of fun and quite confidence building.
Don't get the wrong idea... we don't. And i wouldn't. Rob isn't someone i find myself attracted to. He's awfully opinionated and quite irritating sometimes but despite that, i have no problem saying what i feel like to him.
For example, sitting on the laptop, looking at the game character, Ezio, from Assassin's Creed. I was just able to go, "How hot was Ezio at the start of Assassin's Creed 2?" and he just goes, "I totally agree"

We also share a love for Rock Band 3 and music in general. His dad does loads of music stuff, has about 12 bass guitars, 3 drum sets, a stack of guitars and all other bits and bobs. Mandolin anyone?
So Rob's house is like some sort of heaven and he's going to donate an old electronic drum kit to me over the summer after it gets fixed up a bit. That would allow me to play Pro Drums in Rock Band xD

Anyway, it's just awesome that i can say what i like and it's becoming the case with most of my friends. Not quite to the extent that i can with Rob but if there's one goal i can set myself in senior year it's to make progress with that. I guess my biggest success last year was finding these friends to begin with so the next stage beckons i guess.

That's long term stuff but for now, i only have eyes for Friday where i can just say a big "fuck you" to school for a month or so and then i wont have to concern myself with subjects and timetables and tests and general bullcrap.


Rowan <3



Here is a hilarious video about llamas with hats (the hats are irrelevant)

Media Exam and Starting Senior Year

So, since Monday i have officially been in my last year at school *worried look*

I don't think that setup is common in most schools but it always has been in ours. The new timetable begins at the start of June, then there's summer and we go back again in late August. I think its mainly to get pupils settled into classes properly and sort out timetable issues.

I fit into the latter category, unfortunately.

My timetable on Monday was fine but only because they hadn't updated it to include all my choices.

I had originally picked Modern Studies, Advanced Music, Italian and Video Editing but after making those choices i decided to change from Modies to Advanced English.

After i was given my revised timetable on Monday, it messed everything up: It meant i couldn't do Video Editing whilst doing English so at that point i was only actually on the timetable for 3 subjects - You need to do a minimum of 4 to be eligible for EMA, although i'd take just about any lesson they gave me in order to get it :P

What's more is that in the 1 period of Advanced English i've been in so far, i already seem out of my depth. The whole class is discussing poetry techniques which i've never heard of and we have to pick 2 books to write 3000 word essays on. I don't read nearly enough to survive in that class, so i will be telling my guidance teacher that i'd be happy to go back to my original plan of doing Modern Studies, which would mean i could also continue doing Video Editing.

If i could do Video Editing and English at the same time, id give it a bash but the Advanced class seems like a load of unnecessary work.

Oh, and Bryan's in my Advanced Music and Italian classes but doesn't seem entirely sold on Italian yet. It's upto me to keep him interested and make sure he doesn't drop it xD

I hope that all makes sense, that was Monday's news.


Tuesday was my Media Exam but that was in the afternoon. I won't bore you with the details of the 4 hours listening to speeches in the morning.

The exam went fairly well. We were to analyse, in considerable detail, the film Little Miss Sunshine. Good film, has a little place in my heart after studying it haha
But i don't plan on watching it for at least a few years now :P

As well as that we had to analyse our media production, again, in considerable depth.

So the film analysis was fine. 4 different questions come up every year but you can honestly learn one good essay that will suit any question so i focused on the film's narrative techniques having wrote an essay on it recently that got 32/40. Think i may have got a good mark there.

The production analysis can have 3 different questions. One that focuses on pre-production, another on making/implementation and the last on evaluation.
Undoubtedly, the best question is on pre-production. Lost count of how many essays i've wrote for that this year but the exam had a implementation question, which was tough but fair.
I'd say i probably got at least 26/40 on it but combined with the other essay i may well jsut get an A so it's all good :D

Just glad all my exams are out the way now, its an absolute joke that Media ran into the start of the new timetable. Everyone else's finished like 2 weeks ago -_-

I celebrated with Rock Band 3, which arrived yesterday. It's so fun!


I wont go into detail about today either apart from the fact that there was 4 hours of priests and nuns talking. Fucking-hell.
But after was fun, the whole year had these team building exercises which weren't related to "God's Calling" :P

So that's whats been going on recently. Quite eventful but id just rather get into my classes now instead of listening to bloody talks all day long...

Anyway, by the time i write my next post i will have turned 17 so... yeh :)


Rowan <3


P.S New blog here, or at least new to me. Go pay Felix a little visit, im sure he'd love a few more followers! - http://felix-jones.blogspot.com/

Spanish Exam

Not a long post coz i've not much else to say apart from it went pretty well.

Probably the smoothest of my exams so far but it wasn't without its challenges - it's an exam of course.

English had a tough essay question, Music was just generally challenging, French listening was particularly tricky.

For Spanish, the reading paper was actually the more challenging bit for me this time. It's usually the listening but that part was actually quite simple this time round.

The essay after the reading is anyone's guess but id say at least 12 out of 15. The reading itself wasn't a disaster though and the listening essay went well but with the essays you never actually know for sure. You think you've done your best but, for all you know, it could be horrible.

Anyway, id still it was the most relaxed exam i've done so far and i just felt better after i walked out and got an ice-cream with the sun shining :D

I'm glad it went well coz after all, i've had nearly 2 weeks of doing absolutely nada and i did get rather lazy in all honesty but it would seem that didn't affect me much.


Just got my Media exam left and it's a right pain in the ass. It's actually after the new timetables begin i.e when study leave ends. It's this Tuesday and we go back on Monday.

Complaining wont get me far but it really isn't fair. I do have the option to take Monday off but i'm not going to: i want to know my classes and get a decent seat in them so i will be in attendance.

Media should be ok though. I've got generally good marks on my essays throughout the year. The most annoying things are that everyone else is finished their exams and also the fact that i just cant be bothered writing two essays :/

That probably sounds cocky but really, i know most of my stuff. It's just a matter of transposing it onto a piece of paper that i cant be bothered with.

Nothing i can do about it, just wish it was out of the way.


Anyhoo, thats about all. Gonna embed Dear Prudence by The Beatles below. Been quite obsessed with it recently; its such a summer tune! I tried to learn it on guitar but im just not good enough :P
Got it nailed on bass though, such a lovely line.
Enjoy!


Rowan <3