A Week Away

Just back from my week at Josh's place.

It was a good week.

But my week actually started the day before, at Anfield in Liverpool. My dad and i went to see Liverpool vs Valencia. We won 2-0 which was good but i was mostly bothered about being sat in the Kop which is something i can tick off my bucket list (not that i plan on dying any time soon)

Obviously, it was just a friendly match and the atmosphere wasn't as good as it probably is for big matches but that doesn't bother me a jot.

While we were at the match, my mum and sister went into town to see a film and Liverpool's Gay Pride was on at the time but if they seen any of the festivities, neither of them mentioned it.
Anfield is a bit further from the city centre so i didn't see anything either.

Anyhoo, after this i was dropped at Josh's. Was about 30 minutes from Liverpool.

There were 6 people there that night and it was, in all honesty, the best night of the week and this was before the week even began :P

Josh was there of course, Nicholas was staying for the full two weeks, Rob arrived the same day i did and two other friends (who i wont name to keep names to a minimum) were there, too.

It was quite a crazy night, but that's coz we pretty much had a whole house to ourselves.

Basically there is the main house, then a little annex behind it and a two floor converted garage which was left to us, meaning we could stay up till whenever and be as loud as we liked. We did exactly that. Plentiful supply of alcohol as well. Must have had 7 bottles in 2 or 3 hours as well as Josh's dad providing some whiskey.

Needless to say, i was sick again and i apparently threw a whiskey glass at a wall but whatever :P


The two nameless friends left the next day and i think the effects were felt immediately. It was way quieter. I have to say that mine and Rob's arrival were probably a breath of fresh air to everyone else who had spent a whole week with each other but we were down to four.

The first couple of days were quite enjoyable, just getting to enjoy the place and the area. We went into Liverpool itself one day but it was a bit disappointing because all the shops closed really early due to the fucking disgraceful riots.

We still bought NERF guns and had a battle back at the house coz we're so awesome liek \m/

Went into Manchester another day, without Nicholas coz he's a lazy shit :P

I slag it off sometimes coz i support Liverpool but i don't think i'll knock it again. It seems a really open and diverse city. As soon as we got out the car and turned the corner, we walked straight past an LGBT bar and in the beer garden there were two guys kissing. It was really sweet :)

Never seen anything like that where i live. Truth.

I thought we were about to immerse ourselves into Manchester's gay district which i hear is quite large but that must have just been the edge because we headed right into the town centre and done some window shopping. Went to a milkshake bar. Yes, a milkshake bar. Where i had a skittles milkshake and played the owner at Street Fighter. He won but it was still awesome.

Apparently, there's some free tasting day this Thursday and i'd love to go but obviously i can't :/

That's all the city-seeing. Most other days we had things like food eating competitions, more gun battles, annoying Rob :P

Josh's dad got it right; Rob is the whipping boy of the group. We always take the piss out of him!

Josh's dad himself is honestly is one of the most legendary dad's on the planet - excluding the fact that he left Josh's disabled mum on her own - The amount of hassle is must have been to have a group of 17 years olds staying and getting food and drinks for everyone must have been insane but it didn't seem to phase him. Apparently we weren't a bother ^_^

Another running thing was having bacon everyday and playing a game of Monopoly. Josh's dad cooked all our meals (coz he's a god) and because he was stuck one night, he just put bacon through the mash potatoes. Words cant decribe :')

Also, with Monopoly. We all won at least a game each but Nicholas won 5.

A true reflection of his real life: having insane amounts of money, possessions and luck.


Towards the end of the week, things got a bit more tense. Everyone was getting on each others' nerves and we all kinda just wanted to go home. I had a stupid argument one night with Josh about music then another night about a new guitar he bought. Pointless shit.

In the midst of this, Rob, who never drinks, got drunk! Bloody hell it was funny and it was one of those "I was there moments" coz he is usually very anti-alcohol and afterwards said it would never be happening again.

We shall see about that.

Anyhow. The day before we were all due to come home, shit hit the fan. Nicholas and Josh really fell out and Nicholas left along with Rob and got the train home. Simply coz he wanted to go home and because he had enough money to do so.

It was quite a shock but i suppose spending two weeks living like a pig with the same person can get to you. I didn't like him leaving like that, without saying thanks to Josh's dad, but i understand why he did.

Rob has no excuse. He begged Josh to come down and after finding out he could, he leaves a day early.

It may also be the last time we see him for a good while as he won't be coming back to school. He left that early as well.


So Josh and I spent the final night adding the finishing touches to a song we've been working on which was interesting but challenging. From that alone, i can see how difficult it would be to actually be in a band.
Just difference of opinions on what sounds the best really but in all fairness the song is originally mine and Josh was just adding his input.
I've changed it about a little since then and i like it but it still isn't finished. It is indeed, the first song i have ever wrote.

I still don't even know if Josh and I are a proper band. I play bass obviously and he's a drummer but we both dabble in guitar and he got a new one recently...

The song we wrote is actually all distorted bass and drums with a little bit of synth in it and it still sounds good so we're debating whether or not a guitarist is needed. If it is, then we plan to approach Alex coz he's rather talented.


The next day it was time to go home and i saved over £50 in doing so.

As Nicholas left a day early, he left his original ticket behind so i used that and called my mum telling her so. She can refund the ticket i didn't use!

Either way, i didn't see one conductor on that train (a VIRGIN train) for the whole journey so i could have had the journey for free anyway. Good thing Nicholas did go home in that case or i might have actually wasted my ticket altogether.


That is really about all there is to tell. It was a good week, as i said, but i was a little disappointed from all the wild stories i've heard from previous years. Probably coz there were more people before. If the two friends didn't leave then it would probably have been better, or if other people were allowed to come.

Alas, it seems 4 people in a confined space can be difficult to deal with for a whole week. I'm still glad i went even if it probably was the first and last time i go - Josh's dad plans to sell the house -  but for now, i'm just really happy to be back in my own house and can't wait to sleep in my own bed after i click "Publish post" in a few minutes time :)


Rowan <3


Below is a band i have recently discovered after Josh told me about them and after i found they were playing Reading and Leeds. They are called Death From Above 1979 and consist of a drummer and a bassist only and is why Josh and I question if a guitarist is needed in our band as the music these guys make is amazing... and also rather insane! As a bassist who enjoys his fair share of distortion, i admire the bass playing for DFA and i simply cannot wait to see them in 11 days time.

Exam Results

Like last year, i was on the receiving end of an arse up from the exam board.

I won't go into detail but i received my email at 1:30 in the morning. Think that says something.

Anyway, my results... were great. I couldn't have asked for more. Well, i could've but meh.

English - B
French - A
Media - A
Music - A
Spanish - A


Clever clogs, eh? :P

Of course, i'm a bit irked at English but it's quite funny actually.

Last year in English i was on track to achieve an A since around Christmas, got an A in the prelims and then got a B in the final exam.

Exact same story this year.

Hopefully this year will continue to follow last year's path and i will get an appeal and eventually receive an A in about October. We shall see. I did get an A in the prelims after all, and i'm quite certain that i wasn't far off an A!

Most of my friends got the results they desired as well. Susan got 3 A's i think. Rob got 2. Melly got all A's i think. Bryan surpassed his expectations. Due to his Grandad dying during the exam period he didn't study much but ended up getting 4 A's and failing maths but he knew he would anyway.

The only person i know of who was left a bit disappointed was Josh. He wants to go into medicine and to do that you pretty much need A's across the board.
Think he got 2 A's, a B and 2 C's.

They're not disastrous results but knowing Josh, he definitely expected more of himself. He might even have to change some subjects for next year :/

I'm also going to do so tomorrow, but voluntarily.

I don't need to re-sit anything thankfully but i'm basically going to go in and say, "Right, i'll do Photography or Modern Studies in whichever column gives me Wednesday afternoon and Friday morning off"

:P

If pushed i can say i plan to do some volunteering work somewhere and they can only do Wednesday afternoon. Then when asked about it later in the year i can pretend they already took people on or whatever.

Honestly, my hard work, for the most part is done. I plan for a much more relaxed year and if i have to be a bit of an arse to get it i don't really care!

So yeah, now that the worrying about exam results is gone, i'll enjoy going to see Liverpool on Saturday. (Since writing this i have found that Liverpool's Gay Pride is actually taking place then, haha!) Anyway, after that i shall be spending a week with some friends near Manchester and then it will soon be time for Reading and Leeds. T'is drawing ever closer :)

Good times!


Rowan <3

Bryan's Second Stayover

"im comfortable enough for Josh to know i'm gay but i've no intention of telling Bryan." - Me, July 27th 2011.


That kinda changed last night, and without the influence of alcohol.


I'm afraid i'll be called a cop out again as the word "gay" did not feature and "bi" did instead but as it usually is with coming out to someone (in my experience so far) it can be rather difficult, and sometimes awkward but that goes without saying.


Also, with Bryan, i've never been too sure where the ground lay with him so i didn't throw myself right in at the deep end but he's actually perfectly fine with it, or so it seems :D




Anyway, this stayover was certainly better than the 1st. We picked Bryan up in the car and I swear, the first time i seen him i almost melted! His hair is quite some length but even though it's quite messy it really suits him! We picked him up because he was bringing his guitar and amp with him.


Didn't use it much but we played a few Muse excerpts together. I've really got him into Muse now. He's bought his own copy of Origin of Symmetry which also changed an opinion i held in my last post that going to Reading and Leeds with Bryan might not be as exciting as it once seemed.


I'm thinking it will be, he really surprised me with his knowledge of the album. I was grinning like a Cheshire cat.


Also, this time i didn't throw up \o/ (some achievement, eh?)


But once again, i still had no appetite when it came to dinner. My dad cooked some lovely chilli that i barely touched coz i didn't want to be spewing again :/ Bryan loved it however. 
Just like last time, I dunno why i had no appetite again. I felt fine before it and then after it when we walked the dog down to the park, although my asthma came on a bit.


Yeah, i'm probably going to spontaneously combust any second now :P




I tried to coerce Bryan into watching Alien because he hasn't seen it before and he isn't a great horror fan but that wasn't happening so when i found he hadn't watched much Billy Connolly, i stuck a dvd on which we were both howling at. He's probably my favourite comedian, in truth.


The hours, after that, ran away as they usually do and i got the old air mattress out for Bryan and we just sat talking for ages and this is the juicy part of the story.


From the vantage point on my bed, i could see right up Bryan's top (uNF) Oh, the sights you see!
Just thought i'd mention that...


The juicyness began when i told him the whole show about Rose and Susan and he laughed about how i'd become such a "womaniser" in the space of a month. I then told him, of course, that i didn't fancy either and he asked if there really was anyone i was interested in...


Ololol. I just replied, "not really". I couldn't exactly just say, "Yeah, you!" could I!?


He said pretty much the same thing - that he wasn't interested in anyone (and also, was to lazy to be arsed going out with someone, lulz) when i asked him but then we delved into the past and also, previous dealings with alcohol.


By this time, i'd made my mind up that i was going to tell him what happened with Josh and Melly. Dunno why, just decided i would.


His previous experiences with alcohol involved snogging a group of random girls when he was really out of it a few years back. He didn't say who but it wasn't what i really wanted to hear :P


I told him about Susan's party, made the same joke on here that i'd be tempted to go out with her just because her parents are so awesome and then told him about when i got drunk at Nicholas's house.


I came out with it eventually, coz the conversation kept going off in tangents about alcohol making you do strange things etc. (completely true as well) So i was slowly but surely edging my way towards the moment >.<


I said to Bryan that when i was drunk, i told Josh and Melly some things that i probably wouldn't have if i was sober and played the old, "Well, it isn't fair for me to say that to you and not to tell you now", so Bryan's like, "Ok, what is it?" and i just said, "I hope this sits alright with you... i'm bi"


"Really?"


"Yah"


"Ahh, ok man"


I told him i'd been wanting to tell a few close friends recently and i just wasn't sure where the ground lay with him. He said it didn't bother him though but asked when i "decided" and i just said, "Well, i didn't decide, it's just the way i am"
He questioned how long i'd known and i told him a few years now.


He just said it was cool and that he wouldn't be running and telling anyone. Made me quite le pleased but the over-analytical side in me made me question his word choice of "decided"
I was just worried he thought that sexuality was a choice but he didn't mean it like that and agreed that it's just the way people are born.


I thanked him for being understanding and he said it was no big deal coz he knew it was probably not an easy thing to tell someone. "Not that i would know" he joked and that made me want to push further and ask him some more stuff but i decided not to - If there was a moment for Bryan to confide his sexuality it was then, but as he didn't, you've gotta just take that as him not having anything to confide, something that i'm rather confident of at this point :P




Now. You can call me a cop out if you so desire but as i've said before any step forward is a good step and if you want the absolute honest truth, i don't really feel ready to be openly gay to everyone yet. Maybe in a year or so, but not at this moment in time, apart from Josh who probably knows. That's just the way i feel about it right now.


Anyway, last night was a good night, I was able to tell Bryan what i did, had a good laugh with him and evenutally managed to exchange the Reading and Leeds tickets for the money he owed me xD


I'm certainly looking forward to Reading and Leeds more now after having Bryan round. Probably coz everything is finally in place and all we have to do is wait. 25 days!


The only worrying factor is Bryan's paranoia about the migraines he is prone to. If one was to pop up that weekend then there is like 0% chance that he'd be able to go. Loud noises and flashing lights apparently don't do it much good so let's just hope that he can handle Leeds and will be all good for Reading as well.


After months of waiting, we're on the home stretch now, and i'm looking forward to a great weekend with a friend i certainly feel a bit closer to now! :)




Rowan <3




P.S Apparently the film people have sent emails out to people they want to be extras for the film and i didn't get one :(
The dates would actually have suited me and my busy schedule :P
But never mind, i'm not too fussed. The film is called World War Z btw, and they've been looking for extras in various towns and cities in Britain. Meh.

Updates

So it's been a while since my last post (prepare yourself for a long'un) and for good reason.

This summer has been way more eventful and outgoing for myself than i'd have ever imagined.

Honestly, i've spent as much time at my house as i have at other people's. It's strange coz i never usually do a lot over summer. Just sit inside and do whatever but anyway, onto what you're probably expecting to read.

The situation between myself, Susan and Rose for starters.

Rose is sorted and there was quite a bit of skill involved actually, however mean that sounds.

It was over Facebook, as it usually is. She goes, "You're gay for me" and im thinking, "Ah, this could be going somewhere" so i replied with "Nup"

It continued: 

Rose: yep

Me: Nope

Rose: why not :(

Me: Cuz

Rose: ye that makes sence >.<

Me: Yup.

Rose: your boring me

Me: I am boring.

Me: and you're*

Rose: not usually :( you just dont love me anymore

Me: ... (5 minutes later)

‎Rose: :/

Not my proudest moment but it had to be done. Facebook, in person, doesn't matter. Still felt bad but it's probably easier over the internet tbh but now that Rose has realised it ain't happening, i still have to sort things with Susan.

I honestly think the best way of dealing with it is to let it all fade away. If i don't act then surely that gets the hint across that i'm not interested, right?

Instead of going through with some overblown and awkward confrontation, letting things slide away gradually sounds a lot better and that way we can remain friends as well, whereas i'm not sure how the ground will lie with Rose when i see her next.

At least it isn't awkward with Susan at the moment, such as this previous weekend.

It was her birthday and it was a blast!

Just took place at her house, group of friends were invited. Good fun.

There was secret talk amongst us all of getting alcohol somehow coz we knew her parents would be gone for a bit.

Didn't matter in the end coz her parents actually bought a whole crate of Budweiser for the guys and loads of Smirnoff Ice for the ladies!

What legends.

It was another evening of getting drunk without planning to.

I need to learn how to handle alcohol properly coz i threw up again. My theory is that both times i was drinking i hadn't eaten so next time, i will make sure i do :P

Anyway, when a group of teenagers are left alone with alcohol, funny and weird things happen.

Such as me and Nicholas kissing.

This was after a few beers but i remember it vividly and it was nice but by the same token it was very brief and more akin to a little kiss you'd give your mother, if maybe just a little bit more than that. However, it was overshadowed by a full french kiss involving Melly and another girl. This was in the middle of the living room with everyone watching. Guess that's one way to announce your sexuality.

I think Melly made a bit of a boo-boo there coz it's what most people remember from that night. Not that anybody is hating on her coz of it tho which is good.

Anyhoo, Susan's parents were awesome. They actually came back home and this was after most of the drink had been drunk. A bit tactless but they must have been geared up for it. They were both really concerned for me when i was sick but when i half sobered up, i said thanks and sorry. Was weird :P

I'd be tempted to go out with Susan just because her parents are so great... jokes, jokes.

I didn't actually end up going home for a few days after that. Stayed a night at Nicholas' house with a load of people and the day after i went to Josh's. 

Usually that involves a whole load of Rock Band but it was one of the nicest days of the year so far so we went a walk. He lives in the countryside pretty much so some of the scenery was actually quite lovely. There's a great little river round the back of his house as well which he didn't know about.

He's lived there for 4 years and it took me and a bit of sun for him to find that out. Yeah, he's quite a nerd :P

What else has been happening recently? Let's see... 

Oh yeh, I went to an auditioning for a film the other week. 

Ok. Not so much an auditioning but fill in some details and get your picture taken. It's only to be an extra but hey, the pay is rather good. Maybe £100 a day and could be working for 10!

More on that when i find out if i'm in or not. I do hope i find out soon coz it will affect the rest of my plans for summer...

I'm supposed to be going with Josh, and a group of other friends, to his dad's house near Manchester someplace but i can't commit to it until i know if i've been cast or not :P

I'd love to do both but there's a good chance they could clash. If they don't then it will probably take place when school starts back so i wouldn't be able to go... there's also Reading and Leeds at the end of next month to think about.

If only they could have given us the dates and i could have made my mind up before i auditioned!

Next month would be perfect if i could be in the film, go to Josh's, and go to Reading and Leeds. Unlikely but who knows.

Speaking of films, I've become a bit of a movie buff recently. I've applied to a local cinema group (another thing i'm waiting to hear back from) and when i've not been out and about, i've been watching movies.

So many films out there that i've not seen. I have a list that i'm currently working my way through. For example, one of the most recent was There Will Be Blood and the next few include Chinatown, Das Boot and Raging Bull.

Anyway, one reason i've applied to this group is to further my movie knowlegde, as well as talk about movies with people my age, get out the house a little and (although nobody will admit it) put it down on a CV for applying to university.

The atmosphere at the group is also unbelievably camp. I swear at least 2 or 3 of the guys there are gay! 

So i do quite hope i get accepted into that.

I'll finish by talking a little about Reading and Leeds, which is now exactly a month away! I'm excited, but nervous at the same time coz i'm still waiting on the Reading tickets. Got my Leeds but Reading seems to be waiting around. I check my email literally every day just to see if there's been any change :P

Going with Bryan doesn't seem as great as it once did. I haven't seen him once since school let out which is a shame (since he owes me a fair amount of money... kidding) but just because i do quite miss him. But not seeing him has made me realise something. I've seen people like Josh, Rob, Nicholas, Susan et al so many times recently compared to not seeing Bryan at all. It's probably coz he isn't actually in the same friend group in all honesty.

But then there's a reason for that. People in the same friend group are there because they get on well with each other. Obviously Bryan gets on better with other people which i just have to accept. Nothing that can be done about that.

I mean, he is still a friend but isn't quite a friend like Josh, for example. 

Josh lives over 10 miles away and i've seen him more for christ sake! That speaks volumes in my opinion. Plus, im comfortable enough for Josh to know i'm gay but i've no intention of telling Bryan.

Anyway, i am going to try and invite him round over the weekend. Will be nice to spend a bit of time with him again and on the plus side, i now know he didn't end up going bald after all xD

Phew. Think that's just about all i've got in me for now. I'd have posted this in bits over the past few weeks if i had to time but if you've read this far you can probably see that's been a bit difficult to come across!

After about 3 weeks of nothing i felt i owed a longish post anyway so there it is... what you've just slaved your way through reading.

Hope y'all are fine and dandy :)

Rowan <3

Really into this song by the Fab Four at the moment:

Here's the Story

In my last post i mentioned there was a big meet up at someone's house so just for background information this "someone" was Nicholas. Mentioned him a few posts back, he's mega rich, massive house and his parents are away on holiday. I ended up staying two nights for that reason which is why this post has been a bit delayed.

Anyways, I went to his on Wednesday, kinda nervous coz i knew Susan would be there and i had the idea in my head that i'd be able to talk privately with her somewhere. However, with all that was going on - clearing ASDA out of their full stock of 1 litre Orange Lucoazde bottles between us, messing around on computers etc - and mainly coz there were so many people there, it turned out to be impossible. I think there were 10 people in total.

The opportunity to talk never presented itself, besides it was already awkward enough. We barely talked from the time she got there (2pm) to the time she left (bout 9pm)

I seem to remember we did talk a bit but that's only after the booze came out...

*facepalm*

Yes. I'll own up now. I got drunk.

Trust me, i didn't plan to but it happened. Nicholas started drinking to build up some Dutch courage to break up with his girlfriend and then continued to drink in celebration afterwards. Josh had a little, his friend Melly had some and then i thought, "What the hell" and joined in.

It was an innocent mix of gin and coke to begin with but we soon discovered Nicholas' wine seller and that was it. I ended up getting drunk on red wine, how very homosexual.

But this lead to the most important detail of the night. Bits of this instance are missing from memory, like most of the night in general, but i told Josh and his friend, Melly, that i do like guys.

I don't remember how but we found ourselves in a private part of the house, all 3 of us drunk and i seem to recall me saying something along the lines of, "Guys, i'm at least bi you know, i do like guys." To my knowledge, i did not full out say i was gay but in all honesty, i probably could've coz both of them didn't mind. As i said my memory is a bit blank in places but i also recall Bryan's name coming up in that conversation o_O

Hope i didn't say something a bit more, than i thought. Josh didn't mention Bryan the next day when we talked but i haven't discussed it yet with Melly. She also levelled with me by saying that she is probably bi and has done things with girls before. Whaddya know.

For the record, this was after Susan had left the house and the conversation was solely between Josh, Melly and I. I don't know why i told Melly tho. I know her fairly well but not well enough to say what i did in all honesty. Thankfully, Josh and her are tight and he has assured me that she won't go talking and neither will he. By the same token, i won't go blabbing about Melly so we're on the same playing field.

That was the night's main events apart from all of us attempting (and apparently failing) to walk Melly home and then returning to Nicholas' house and throwing up in his sink whilst on Facebook via my iPod at the same time.

The people who stayed sober had a good laugh about that. Josh, Melly, Nicholas and i were the most drunk. A few others had enough to get a little drunk and the rest didn't touch any. Our group honestly isn't one to go drinking a lot. I personally am not so i'm a bit surprised i did tbh. I'm a bit surprised ANY of us did but there you go. It has made me realise why people do drink with their friends. Part of it was quite fun, but it's the aftermath - the vomiting and the headaches - that counters it.

It's certainly the most drunk i've ever been though and if i ever do again i will make sure i've at least eaten something and i'm not drinking red wine - i swear i thought i was throwing up blood at the time - hopefully beer, if anything.

Anyway, now that you've read all that i'm guessing a few of you may be quite disappointed and rightly so. I did read all your comments and i did try hard to speak openly with Susan to clear the air but to no avail. Getting drunk certainly wasn't part of my game plan so i can only apologise once again. I certainly didn't ignore anything that was said. I considered it all and thank you for going to the trouble of attempting to help me.

At the end of the day, things have worked out positively for the moment. Not 100% positively but it's still good nevertheless. Two trustworthy people know i like guys. I see that as a plus. The situation with Susan and Rose needs to just work itself out however, and Josh even believes the same.

I see a lot more of Susan than i do of Rose. Rose is like an annoying stalker to be brutally honest. She texts me non-stop but i hardly see her. I'll be surprised if i do once this summer but if i do, i will try to get her to back off even if i hate rejecting people in that way.

Susan is on holiday for a week or two but no doubt i'll see her and hopefully i can tell her then. Whether i have to come out to either of them remains to be seen. I don't know. Josh (who knows both quite well) thinks the best thing to do would be to just tell them i'm sorry i don't feel the same way about them and like them as friends. A few comments suggested this as well and i'm more inclined to agree with them.

Josh has my back though which is an important thing. Well, i'd like to think he does.


Anyhoo, as for now i'm back home and just trying to relax after the last few days. It's been hectic, fun, interesting and worrying. Nothing happened the second day i was there apart from loads of gaming. Perhaps part of the reason i did get drunk was because i knew i didn't have to go home the next day... who knows, but apparently festivities involving alcohol are planned again for tonight.

Josh is still there, Nicholas obviously and Melly is returning. I'll leave them to it. If i didn't have such a busy weekend then i might consider it but it doesn't matter anyway coz i'm home now. See, I AM responsible. I know when enough is enough :P

But i just want to apologise again if i've let anyone down. I really hope i haven't and i appreciate your help. This situation isn't pleasant (although its certainly easier with advice from folk reading this!) but hopefully it isn't as bad as it seems and can be cleared up within the next few weeks. I'll keep you updated, of course, and i'll try to sort it out as best i can.


Rowan <3

Help?

This isn't the next post i had in mind but my need for help has only developed over the past few hours. It is an issue i'm sure many, or at least some, gay guys experience... having girls fancy them.

Im quite flattered that not one, but two different girls are seemingly interested in me. Lets me know i'm not completely hideous!

The thing is, both are rather close friends which just ups the awkwardness to unbearable levels.

First, there is Susan who i usually walk to the train with after school and see her at break/lunchtime etc.
Then there is Rose. The previous time i mentioned her was when i was talking about her being a lesbian. Well, it appears not now. I also see her at breaks and lunchtime.

It all came about on Facebook (as it usually does) Rose was asking if i wanted to go to the cinema tomorrow to which i tried to say no in the nicest way i could. I hate rejecting people but there's already a big meet planned tomorrow at someone's house so i wasn't changing my plans. She couldn't seem to accept it and got upset so i started to feel bad.

Susan, in her wisdom, managed to sense this and talked to me through private messages. She pretty much revealed that Rose is interested in me, even if i've had the feeling that she does for over a month a now, she confirmed it. She said, "Rose is trying to make it into some sort of competition". To which i replied, "With who?"
Only for Susan to say, "Me"

As with Rose, i had a slight feeling that Susan was interested in me, too, but now i know. The cat is out of the bag. But when she said it i had that old Bruce Willis moment. The one where he's in a really crap situation but starts to laugh anyway, in despair.

I basically replied saying that i am flattered but need time to think and still want to remain friends no mater what. Which is, in fact, the truth.

But the awkward situation remains... I'm still gay. Oh, Josh knows that both Rose and Susan fancy me as well so how will it look to people that know if i turn down the advances of two girls?

It basically screams, "LOOK AT ME, I'M A HOMO!!!" With rainbows decorating the words and fairies dancing around in their thousands.

As i said, there's a big meet tomorrow at a friends' house. Susan will be there, not sure about Rose but avoiding the situation won't do any good. It'll be awkward but i will need to tell BOTH that i don't feel the same way. I could barely turn down going to the cinema, so i don't know how i'm going to justify rejecting going out with them. (I hate that word - reject. *shivers* It's so cruel)

Susan already suspects i'm gay, not gonna lie about it, All of us were at the park the other day. It was lovely, the sun was out and spirits were high. Anyway, twice, Susan asked me twice, "Are you gay?" in front of at least 7 other people. I hate when she does that, it's so annoying. She's asked me before just between us and i've managed to deflect it which only raises suspicions and i did so again at the park which only raises the suspicions of EVERYONE.

Fuck, i'm not ready to be out to EVERYONE.

Really.

And that's where the situation is so awful. When (not if) i reject Susan, she will automatically assume i'm gay. Josh probably will. Susan's close friends - probably the same. Rose, probably as well. With that many people with that knowledge in a high school environment it is going to spread like *wildfire*

Dayum. It's closing in. I'm just thinking. I'm probably not going to be able to live as "straight me" for much longer. "Bisexual me" seems like a long way off as well. "Gay me" is popping his head way out of the closet and screaming, "IT'S TIME"

It could, and i think is quite likely to happen tomorrow. There's supposed to be alcohol involved so perhaps i could just get so completely drunk that i don't give a flying shit. Either way, i think it could. I'm not going to avoid it. I'll brave it, for some reason. Why put it off?


A penny for you guys' thoughts? Please, i need something, anything :/


Rowan <3

First Week of Summer

The past week has been rather awesome. First, there was last weekend which i posted about and then this week was good as well. A combination of lazing around and being active. The latter coming in the second half of the week.

Thursday and Friday were the biggest talking points.... Tickets for Leeds Festival arrived! I could not believe it. I was half waking up when my dad went, "Oh, there's something about Leeds downstairs for you". I was there in about 3 seconds. Can't quite explain the happiness, and relief tbh, of getting them so early.

The Reading tickets are another matter but thats for another time.

So i also went to Josh's on Thursday for like the first time in 2 years. Going to his was always an occasion coz he lives in the bloody back o' beyond. Honestly, about 20 miles away from my house. The drive to his house was actually the first time i ever listened to Muse's "Origin of Symmetry" so it was a nice coincidence that i should be going to his after my tickets just arrived :P

Anyway, t'was the first time in a while i'd been there and it was exactly as i remember: messy as hell.

Didn't matter. Just like old times we played Rock Band and Guitar Hero into the early hours of the morning but not before we had a jam (and no that is not a sexual euphemism!)
I brought my bass round, and a banjo - coz it was Banjo Appreciation Day - and lastly, my amp.

Now, since i got my amp nearly 18 months ago the only time it has moved was when i was moving room and that was bad enough. It's quite a monster. Barely even fit in the back seat of the car :P

So with him on drums and me on bass we proceeded to make a load of noise, churning out some Queens of the Stone Age, Arctic Monkeys, Muse.

This was all our kit, without the mega drum kit and amps in the photo!

I think we're kinda in a band tbh. It's not official but we're thinking of asking Alex if he wants to come and jam one day and we'll see where it goes from there. Never been in a band, me :P

So that was Thursday at Josh's. We were accompanied by 18 bottles of Lucozade in the space of about 24 hours. It's out drink. Always has been, always will be. On the fast track down Diabetes Lane!


Friday was exciting. We had to get back to mine and we got a lift off my dad thankfully (what a god!)

This was because we were due to be on the radio! Ok not big, commercial radio but a volunteer station that a few friends go to on a Friday. Alex usually goes but he couldn't coz he's on holiday and so is one of the other guys so the last remaining guy was asking if anyone wanted to so i said yes immediately and Josh did, too.

It was great fun. Even though it isn't commercial, the station is still regulated by OFCOM so we weren't allowed to swear and it was hilarious how many time we came close to doing so. In general we looked up funny/weird stories to talk about. Talked about the tennis even though i don't have much interest in it and of course we played some tunes! Alex is still away next week so Josh and I could be back on this Friday but i don't really know yet. This weekend is busy enough (i'll talk about it at a later date)

After the radio we had quite an adventure getting home. The train we got wasn't on the usual line so we nearly got lost. We had to actually change lines and while we were waiting we ran through a dodgy part of town in search of more Orange Lucozade but everywhere was sold out :(

And when we got the next train, the conductor questioned our ages even though the previous conductor issued us with juniors tickets (which he shouldn't have done :P). Was quite the adventure indeed.

I honestly have Josh to thank for a good opening week to the summer. Without him, i'd have just been sitting around the house, watching films, playing games, masturbating... the usual :P

However, he didn't actually bring up who i "like", which i found odd. I kept waiting on him to question me and as i said, i wouldn't have told him but i was bracing myself for a while to tell him that i do in fact like guys, but alas, the opportunity never presented itself. Meh, i'm not complaining.


This week is going to be a bit lazier. I don't have much planned, but the weekend seems like it could be quite hectic. We shall see, and i'll post about it soon!


Rowan <3




I do not endorse the lyrical content of this epic song xD