TwEnTy 10...

I suppose this is like a review for those who can be interested enough to read. I suppose im writing it more for myself (although your comments are still very welcome) but how can i not review and reflect over such an eventful year?


Im looking back at the review i wrote last year and some of my premonitions were right. I looked ahead to the next decade last year instead of just this year, "This decade, i will be sitting important exams (as well as this year, in fact.) I will be getting a job, possibly a career. Friends will more than likely come and go."

1. I have indeed sat important exams and thankfully done well in them
2. I don't currently have a job, or a career obviously. That one is more long term.
3. Now how about that? Well, i guess by this time last year i was already getting sick of Steven but never would i have foreseen September's events!

And here's the biggy... "And perhaps most importantly, it will be the decade in which i finally take the step out of this small and dark closet and come out myself to my friends and family."

Never in a million year would i have thought that (part of) it would have happened this year. Hence why i said decade and not year. I honestly never planned to have any friends or family know for at least another few years and that is the truth.

But it all started in January (Sunday, 31st, 3:55pm) when i came out to my cousin, Lauren.
Thankfully, she took it all so well and even now has her own blog amongst us which is definetely one of my highlights for this year.

February/March/April continued the feel good trend. I met a lot of online friends. 3 in particulary. Ummm... (dunno what to call him)... JJ... and also David and DJ.

Thinking about it, the first 4 months of this year were the best. Things were the smoothest then.


May was where it started to get rocky with the exams. Lots of stress and work but i got through it ok and i was rewarded, i guess, with June: a very good month. Birthday, beginning of summer, a family get together in the scorching summer heat of London. Another highlight i'd say, partly because it was great to see family and it was the first time id met anyone, in the flesh, that knew i was gay - Lauren, of course.
The whole event was only marred by the stupid and immature actions of a certain other cousin but never mind.


July was mainly good but the tail end was horrible. First of the month, i jetted off to Lanzarote with my mum and sister and had a great time. Came back to London for a few days and it was the last time i ever saw Grandma Knitter, who left me with "Have a good life" ... :'(

Anyhoo, end of the month. JJ was revealed for who he was... Richard. Im not going into it coz i think we all know the story but from then on and into August/September, i disconnected myself from this blogging world, the friends i had met and honestly, my home life. The whole thing left me quite fucked to put it nicely. Not even my exam results made me feel particulary good.
Mum had a long chat with me about August, too, and i almost came out to her there but i couldnt...


I was only revived by the thoughts of going to see Muse at Wembley and hopefully ending my friendship with Steven, both of which were a success. Muse was another definite highlight of my year, id say my life in fact. I will remember September 11th for the rest of my life which is something not many can say in a positive light.

Not a week later, The Pope decided to pop on over to Britain for a visit and change my social group, something i guess i should thank him for. Dunno how i would have pulled it off without his interference :P
But it was a good thing, i now socialise with people with people who's views and opinions are the same as mine, or at least, more similar.


November/December was really been me settling into this group of friends, something that has went quite well. I've got two bi friends which is epic. And hey, at this stage, gay could also mean bi... I would never come out as gay in school so why would they ever? Bi is the safer bet so they could be gay for all i know.


December was quite literally surreal. First of all, the very sad passing of Grandma Knitter, which actually was November, same night as Biffy Clyro but the funeral was in December. Queue my third trip of the year to London. It was, mostly, a very sad occasion but at least i still got to see some family while i was there, with whom, we celebrated the life of a very special person.


And of course, to round off... December 25th...

I still can't get over it. It's still strange being out to my mum and i expect thats the way it will be for a while. If you want the honest truth from me, im gonna say it, id have prefered my mum not to know for, at the very least, another year. I truly think i wasnt ready to be in this situation but here i am... openly gay to my mum.

Even typing that is so odd. If you had said to me, this time last year, that id be out to my mum i would have told you to take a run and jump. Prizes go to that for the most unexpected event of my year, again, perhaps of my life. But this is a much bigger thing than a concert or (no disresepect) metting online friends. What happened a few days ago will affect the rest of my life and the thought of that is mind-blowing.

As i said, at the moment, its still weird. Im not used to it. Nothing more has been said but honestly, i feel kinda awkward being alone with my mum in the same room. I dont really know how she's taken it. I guess it wasn't so much of a surprise but now she knows... she's probably done a lot of personal thinking about it too, as have i.


As always, with an end of year review we must look ahead to next year. Id prefer not to if this year is anything to go by. Yes, ive mentioned a lot of positives and amazing events but there have been some extreme lows and i really dont want to experience them again but there's nothing i, or anyone else, can do about it. Bad times will keep on occuring when they are unwanted...

And everyone here, if you werent here with me through these lows, i dont want to imagine where id be or what kind of state i would be in without all your help, advice and wisdom. I would certainly have struggled a lot more than i did at points so my endless thanks to each and every one of you here who has ever commented. You are very important people to me and i sincerely hope that remains so.


Well, i guess its goodbye to 2010 and into 2011 we go...

*takes deep breath*





Rowan <3

Coming Out at Christmas - The Story

I've had some time to think between yesterday and today but it hasn't really sunk in yet any. It's going to be weird for a while i think. For me, coz i've lived for the best part of 3/4 years of being the only person in the house who knows i aint straight but also for my mum, coz obviously its a lot for her to take in as well, i understand and respect that.

But here's how it all happened -  (Im gay mum, Merry Christmas! ko :P)


We were all up by 10/11 and opened our presents etc, everything was fine. Mum and dad were cooking in the kitchen from about 1pm onwards and i got into a discussion with my dad who revealed he hated Christmas and mum did as well coz it reminds them of people who have passed away and how they cant be here. It was quite heavy stuff but then we got talking about how he would like to spend a holiday abroad one year and he said, "In years to come, when you're with your wife maybe you'll want to as well" and then mum came out with "Or partner" O.O

Not long after that, maybe 10 minutes, my dad said, "You're mum thinks you're gay you know... you heard what she said earlier"
I completely froze and retreated to my room immediately.
I fell asleep, came downstairs for starters but didnt eat anything, i had no appetite whatsoever after what i heard from my dad so i went back upstairs and lay down and i started crying, i cant pinpoint exactly what about.
I fell asleep again and completely missed Christmas dinner, but i didnt want to be sitting up in my room while everyone else was enjoying themselves downstairs so i made an effort but it just wasnt happening. Mum told me to go back upstairs and that she'd be up in a minute.

As i went up the stairs, i got a strange feeling like it was time, dunno, i just did.
So mum came up, gave me a glass of water and sat with me on my bed, me still crying, i tried to pass off that i was upset cause nobody liked celebrating Christmas but she seen right through it. So i told her about what dad said and it was her turn to freeze.

- GTFO, Take Your Mama by Scissor Sisters just came on iTunes as im typing this O_O -

Anyway, i think she knew what i was getting at so she asked me why i was upset at that and i told her it was because id never known she thought that (ok, i had suspicion but now it was confirmed)
She asked if i wanted to talk about it, but i really didnt at the time, i said i was uncomfortable talking about it, and i was - with my mum of course.
So we just sat a few more minutes and she said dad was wrong for saying what he said coz it wasnt his business and he was raised differently, thinking me do this certain type of thing and that.
By this point, i knew all she wanted was for me to say it but i just couldnt squeeze out those few words but then, "Look, i'll admit ive been suspicious for a little while, i've noticed your interest in Stephen Fry (godammit Stephen, you outed me!!!) you picking that AIDS charity, you dont really hang about with boys, things like that. Sometimes, ive not given it much thought and sometimes its got me thinking. But i dont care, i love you, and i would even if you were an axe-wielding maniac" she chuckled.

I knew the game was up, so to speak, but it was still 20 minutes of me trying to find my voice to say it before i actually did. "I know somethings bothering you, please just tell me, i want to help you"
The glass of water was shaking in my hand, i had chewed the straw in the glass down to nothing. Mum took it off me, sat it down. I took a deep breath...

"Im gay, mum" I uttered, and with that she pulled me into her arms even tighter and we pretty much stayed that way for another 20 minutes before dad came up asking if everything was ok. I was still choked up but i wasn't crying and we managed to pass it off but when he left i told mum more. I told her only Lauren knew, told her i stopped being friends with Steven because of it. She asked how long i'd known, i told her a few years.
I told her specifically that i didn't want to tell dad coz i dont know how he'd react, same with my brother and sister. She said she wouldn't tell a soul and i know that will be so difficult for her. I said to her that i didn't want to put her in that position but she said "Don't worry, i'll handle it and i wont tell anyone until you're ready even if its two years down the line or more"

She revealed she got particularly suspicious back in August when i had a long talk with her about everything that happened during the summer and in turn, i revealed to her that i almost told her then.

Finally, she said it didn't change anything at all. She knows it isn't a choice, "its just the way you are, i accept that" she said. "And i still love you and always will"
I cried again...

She gave me one last big hug and went downstairs and i lay back on my bed, drained, and not long after that i typed yesterdays post.


In case you're wondering, i estimate that i told her between half 6 and 7pm.
But as i said, its still quite weird. Once you're out, you don't go back in which is quite a scary thought and honestly, i'd actually have prefered not to tell her yesterday, perhaps leave it for another few months, i dunno, i certainly had no plan for it to happen yesterday (of all days!) but either way, its done now and i cant change that. And now im going to contradict myself by saying that i wouldnt want to change it either :P

The thing that worries me most right now is mum knowing and nobody else knowing. I'm sure she wont accidentally slip up but i cant imagine the pressure ive put on her which is what im worried about...
As well as the slightly less minor problem that i think there might be a strange vibe for a few weeks while we both come to terms. As i said, ive only been out a day after years of being... in... It's strange but yeh, i wouldn't want to change it.

She came in to say goodnight about 11 last night and i was sitting on the computer. She told me she was proud of me and again, that she loved me. I told her i couldn't thank her enough but she passed it off, "Im you're mum, thats what im here for"
I decided i might as well have a little celebration of my own so i "borrowed" some whiskey, some beer and two tubs of pringles and stuck Stephen Fry in America on. Coincidentally, its a gift i got earlier in the day :P

I made this post a lot longer than i planned, but naturally, i have a lot on my mind right now so thanks for bearing with me. Love you all, guys!


Rowan <3

Coming Out at Christmas

Wow. I just came out to my mum no longer than an hour ago.

Im quite out of it right now so im not going to write a lot. I'll talk all about it when im in the right frame of mind but for now, things are cool. I love my mum so much.

Today has been fucking surreal

Again, sorry for the scarce details but i just need to chill the hell out

Rowan <3

T'was the Night Before Christmas...

...and all through the house not a creature was stirring except...

 THE FOUR ASSHOLES COMING IN THE REAR, STANDARD, 2 BY 2 COVER FORMATION!


^ I've just finished watching my annual dose of Die Hard. I watch it every year on Christmas Eve to get me in the mood (for killing!! -jokes-)

Think ive been doing that for a good 3 or 4 years now, although im sure i first seen it when i was 10. (but thats nothing, i seen Alien when i was 7)


While im on the subject, whats your favourite Christmas movie of all time?

Im sure i could have watched something less violent, such as, It's a Wonderful Life, Home Alone, Elf...
But Die Hard is one of my favourite movies of all time, just so happens that it fits in well at Christmas xD


Anyhoo, just wanted to post this quickly as its now actually Christmas Day for me but i havent been to bed yet. Oops.

At this time of year, we all take the chance to look back and reflect on times gone by but i wont be doing that just now coz im too tired, plus, i'll do it on New Year's Eve i expect.

To save me rambling on further i want to wish you all a very merry Christmas. I hope you can kick back, relax and take a breather for the next few days. Same goes for those of you that don't actually celebrate Christmas.
Come to think of it, i dont know why i do - its a religious festival turned global commercial event.
But more importantly, its about family and im truly grateful thay i can spend another Christmas with mine. Hopefully there will be many more too...

Im sure there may be some reading this that unfortunately, cant spend time, dont spend time, or, are unable to spend time, with family. My thoughts go out to you and i hope you are able to spend this period as happily as possible.

So to everyone who reads this blog, Merry Christmas, whoever and wherever you may be!


Rowan <3

Solstice/Sayonara Steven

I dont often post about single days on their own really but today was worth a mention for a few reasons. Mainly, it was Steven's final day in school.
Tbh it didn't actually affect me an awful lot. I've not seen much of him in the past few months (thankfully) and today was no different.
I was going to write something on his leavers shirt but i missed the opportunity. I couldn't really think of anything worthwhile to say so i just left it.

I was talking to some other people and i think they feel the same way. You see, he's going to some music college to play guitar and its really not going to work out - he can barely play at a grade 3 level - so i honestly can imagine him returning next summer after having recognised his failure, if the school let him back in of course :P

But yeh, its good to know i wont be seeing one bit of him day to day anymore although i suppose i should be thankful for a few things. It was some act of friendship to offer and take me to Wembley to see Muse - no other person i know would have. It's a day i'll never forget and i do owe it all to Steven and thats why i feel like a bit of a dick for just abandoning him literally days after.

But i just couldn't tolerate his bullshit anymore, and leaving that social circle hasn't really had any adverse effects: I usually walk the 10 minutes to the train these days, after school with Kev, the bi guy (lol) and another girl who ive become really friendly with recently and I swear, the amount of times she implies im gay, i would say she actually knows :P

She knows Kev is bi and, take today for example, when she says "Oh my favourite time of the day, walking home with my two best gay friends" I think i have reason to say she knows a bit more than she lets on haha

But it's all good, it isn't like she is bothered at all by it. I think she would like confirmation (again, lol) but im fine with how things are sitting right now. It's actually quite funny, some of the things she says.


So thats what happened this Solstice day, a day in which i have seen virtually no sunlight :P (coz im a vampire, liek)
There was supposed to be a lunar eclipse too, but i didnt see it :/
Although im glad the shortest day of the year is past us, surely that means things get better and brighter from here on out, right? RIGHT!?


Rowan <3

Honey, I'm Home!

It's good to be back, especially after all the weather warnings up and down the country recently.

Both journeys went fairly well however. Thursday into London was pretty much plain sailing. Thats once we actually got going. Mum was hesitant over to whether actually go or not and dad was getting all stressed about being kept in the dark or whatever :S
I dunno, but for a few hours the atmosphere was quite tense.

Anyhoo, by the time we got into London and who we were staying with, it was late. As i think i said, we were staying with old friends we used to live across the street from in London. I still remember the street a little, not an awful lot, but it was nice to be back. So we chatted for an hour or so when we arrived but then we all just went to bed coz we had a long day ahead of us.

The funeral was on the Friday and our aunt and uncle's house (where we were in the summer) was only a few miles away so we headed over and met up with everyone, chatted a bit and then the undertakers showed up which immediately darkened the mood. So, in funeral procession, we made for the crematorium where it began to snow.

The funeral itself, thankfully, was short. Grandma Knitter wasnt actually a particularly religious woman, something i was actually quite surprised to find out. I recall my Grandad's being a good few hours long...

This one wasnt but i still sobbed as quietly as possible pretty much from start to finish. I am seriously not good with funerals at all, i mean, i only knew the woman for the last few years of her life and there were people there who probably knew her for over 70 years. Weird thought.
I remember looking up and seeing my aunt (Grandma Knitter's daughter) buried into a jacket and that set me off.

Also, the reverend was a useless cunt. *ahem*

He felt nothing for what was going on. Read exactly what was put in front of him, misread and read out one of my cousins' names calling *her* "Kevin". Worst of all, he even forgot who the funeral was for! Something like, "And now we are gathered today in memory of... umm.. *cough cough, turn page* "
I wanted to go and slap him but i just sat, like everyone. My aunt is certainly going to complain. I wasnt the only one there that noticed his fuck ups, everybody did. Arse :/

One thing that was nice was that it was snowing. It was rather fitting seeing as the last song was White Christmas. That set many people off but i think me more than some others because of one big thing. Grandma Knitter isnt her real name of course, it comes from her love of knitting. When i was born, i was given this soft toy rabbit which i have to this day and Grandma Knitter knitted a little costume for it. Unfortunately, the original costume got burned years ago and all that remains of it are the little shoes and a scarf. Its still special though coz its a very personal thing to me and its something that i will hopefully have for the rest of my life. Apparently i used to go everywhere with it :$

But yeah, i brought that rabbit from home just for the occasion and my aunt loved that i did and im sure Grandma Knitter would have too.

White Christmas played and i held that toy and cried. As i said, i dont deal with funerals well.

After the service, we went back to our aunt's house and it was crowded. But people eventually piled out and then i learned my mum had to leave for bloody Liverpool! She had a really ill aunt or something and had to head up right away. Done well to keep that one quiet, i had no idea but at the end of the day, that really isnt what she needs right now.
She got the train up ok and she probably wont be back till tomorrow, providing the weather behaves itself.


Saturday was easily the best day. Just hung out with our cousins and our aunt and uncle. Its lovely being with family. Saturday morning it snowed heavy and the roads were all iced up. Seeing as there was no traffic we skated around on the iced-up roads, had snowball fights (i got one smacked right in my face lol) and then we went to a nearby pub and had a few drinks and a little bite to eat. We went back home and watched The Wizard of Oz, all snuggled up. It was brilliant. Our cousin made us a lovely dinner and we watched some of Coming to America. Hilarious film.
We had to say our goodbyes there and then coz we were leaving the next morning. I get quite upset at these times, too. Im just a walking water works, arent I? :P

We didnt get to visit Abbey Road btw, or Wembley, as i would have liked. My dad didnt want to go out of his way if it meant possibly getting held up by the weather :/

Most of the journey back i done an english essay on Romeo and Juliet. Was gonna write it but that wasnt happening so i did it the difficult way and typed it up on my ipod :P Thats gonna be one shit essay but hey, at least ive done it! Ive said about all i can now about the past few days so i'll leave you with this in memory of Grandma Knitter...





Rowan <3


PS Good to hear about the repeal for "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in the US army xD

Stupid Stupid Me

I wonder if i'm destined to be in the closet my whole life to people face to face :/

A situation arose today, and although i wouldnt have actually said im gay i would have at least been able to say im bi, which btw i think would be a better option for me at this time if anything.

Anyhoo, the chance was presented to me so clearly. It was on a golden plate, it shouted to me "HELLO, SAY IT!" but i still didn't...

We had an assembly and the whole year was filling up the seats in the main hall and i was, by matter of chance, positioned between Rob and Kev who in recent weeks i have learned are both bisexual although it seems they swing more to the girl side.
But thats neither here nor there.

Can't remember what we were discussing but Rob and Kev were joking about a guy sitting a few rows in front, saying they'd do him :P
And i was all silent, not saying much, just joining in with the laughter and Rob said, "Ahh, its great being bi" Kev agreed with him, "Yeh, it is"
And i still fucking said nothing!!!!

Gah!
What would it have taken for me to say something like, "Haha, same" !?!?!?!?

As soon as the moment passed i realised it, i literally facepalmed.

Why couldn't i say it? Nothing untoward would have been said, nothing bad would have happened.

It's not like i wasn't quick enough or anything, i could have easily said it but i didn't. I put it down to cowardice. No, really, that was so cowardly. There was nothing to be afraid of but i still said nothing.

*sigh* I'll never get anywhere if i don't seize opportunities like that.


In other news, i got marks for my bass prelim scores back and they are like last years - disappointing - but they always mark the prelims harshly. They did last year and i got full marks on both instruments in the final exam so im not worried. Think i'll be getting my guitar marks back tomorrow.

Also, we've started social dance which im just not having any of. I "forgot" my PE kit today. I've put up with social dance the past four years but no longer! (unless i can dance with a guy of course xD)

Anyhoo, thats about it for now. dunno when i'll post next coz, of course, im off to London on Thursday...

Cheerio from Abigco Ward...


Rowan <3