The Black Sheep

In my family of 5, i am the only one who is actually not Catholic. My mum, dad, brother and sister all consider themselves to be so.

I suppose i'm quite lucky in the respect that neither my mum or dad are strict Catholics. It makes things a little easier. Or at least i would like to think so.

I myself, was raised a Catholic, was baptised and made my Communion etc. etc. but over the past few years i have become less interested in religion as a whole, renounced my faith and no longer consider myself to be Catholic.

While religion isn't a touchy subject in the house, the fact that i am not Catholic has never been challenged by my parents and i kinda wondered why recently. It isn't really talked about much so i found myself wondering if anyone actually knew that im not Catholic. It's not talked about so i had no idea.


What's the point in this post?

Well, yesterday i thought i would make it clear once and for all about my (lack of) religious views.

I told my mum when she was sorting out some clothes in my room. I said, "Mum, you know how this is a Catholic family? Like you and dad are Catholic, and raised us all Catholic"

"Yes"

"Well, i was just wondering if you had anything against me being not Catholic, or even religious"

She looked at me as if to say "that was a bit random" but then continued on and said "Well no, not really, you're old enough to make you're own informed decision. You might find in years to come you go back to religion but it's not that important. Why?"

"I was just wondering really, i didn't want you to be disappointed in me coz you raised me as Catholic"

She kinda chuckled "Well, we can hardly be called Catholic, we haven't been to church in at least a year"

"Yeh, i suppose. Thanks"


And there it was. I was quite happy for the rest of the night after that conversation - I think it tells a great deal about my mum's tolerance levels, which obviously is very pleasing.

If only i could get a similar reaction about something else...

I've honestly no idea how that could go, i was nervous enough asking (even though i wasn't expecting a hugely negative respsone) about the whole Catholic thing, let alone thinking about coming out to my mum, who btw would be the first person in my family i would tell.

I think that says quite a lot, that i consider my mum to be the first person i would tell. I do trust my mum but it's so difficult to try and gauge a reaction. I could imagine it being really awkward but perhaps she might gradually be ok with it.

But i really don't know.

She cracks gay jokes sometimes, no malice intended, but i think she would stop that if i were to come out to her.

My dad on the other hand, is a different story. He's not a strict Catholic either but he has a right downer on gay people. "The only gay I ever had time for was Freddie Mercury" he said not long ago. So he's out of the question.

Sad as it is, i could imagine him never talking to me again.

My brother and sister are also out of the question. My brother is far too immature to even understand and my sister, too young.

There are *NO* friends i would even consider telling, just for the record.

So that really only does leave my mum.


...and I have been thinking quite a lot (more than usual, anyway) about it.

I don't know how much of a surprise it would be, but surely the signs are there - I blow-dry and straighten my hair, i openly idolise Stephen Fry... I have a poster of Freddie freakin' Mercury on my wall for god's sake! :P

Maybe... i think my dad is fairly clueless though. E.g we're in the car and we drive by some young woman (lol) "Isn't she a nice one son?"

"Uhuh... sure" *weak smile*

So maybe he has no idea, or maybe he's suspicious, and is scared that i'm gay. Who knows. It's a lot to think about.


I see me telling my mum that i'm not Catholic is progress, i really do. And the fact that she accepts that and understands it, is testament to that progress.

Later she even said "I hope you've not been staying up late worrying about that."

I haven't been.

So, yes, while i am the black sheep of the family in two respects (not Catholic, and presumably the only gay one) good signs are appearing but i'm not going to jump the gun just yet. I wonder if i'll ever have the courage :/

Sometimes i can envisage me just deciding not to tell my mum or dad, even, and then regretting that i didn't when i'm older. I don't want to be 40/50 years old and telling my mum/dad on their deathbed. That horrifies me. And sometimes i picture that scene, it really depresses me when i do.

As i said, i've been thinking a lot about it lately, the pros and the cons, so my mood has been fluxtuating recently. I suppose the discussion with my mum and reading the post about Alex and his brother Tony triggered it. It was a really heart-warmer that post, and i'm so pleased for them.

What i would give for a reaction like that...


Rowan <3




P.S Sorry for not being around much, reading posts, commenting etc. Ive been... lazy