Improvement? Dunno

What is improvement really? Obviously, if things get better, that is improvement but how much are we talking here?
Lots?
Just a little?

I suppose in my case it's the latter, i wasn't expecting things to improve immense overnight and they haven't really. Writing that post the other night made me feel a bit better and talking to other people about things helped too. But there hasn't really been much of a change in school. The workload is still the same, the pace is still the same, the morons haven't changed their ways, obviously.

That's just something i'm going to have to learn to deal with, coz that is what next year, after the summer will consist of.
Although Steven is leaving halfway through, his presence will still be somewhat irksome.
But get this. Today, Steven offered for me to buy his iPhone. Just like back at the start of the year at a reduced price - only 100 pounds.

Where does this generosity come from?
I know, we've been through this, Steven is a very confusing character but i just dunno....
And this isn't an option i think i'm gonna turn down, i mean 100 quid for an iPhone doesn't come around often.
This is the Steven i like!
Why can't he be more like that all the time?

And then when i get an offer like this i feel bad that i can't wait to see the back of him.

It's another thing that troubles me a lot, something i didn't address on my last post : my relationship with Steven.

It's just confusing.
Even when he leaves school i wont be entirely rid of him, only in school of course, im sure he will still be around outwith there at weekends and the likes.

Well anyway, away from all that, the offer for his iPhone cheered me up today, i must admit it is really cool of him.
(dont hate me) :P

Something else that improved my current mood are English and Media classes. Media, the teacher is really funny and probably the best teacher i have right now, so that class is always something to look forward to. And for English, a few posts back i mentioned we were writing a story. It's coming on quite well, i enjoy writing (never thought i would) but it's not without it's difficulties. We have a word limit and mine is way over it, so editing and condensing will be a pain. Also, i had to cut out a full section of my story and even with that gone i still need to edit it.
I hand it in tomorrow and if it's good i might post it on here, no promises tho, it's also quite a dark story, the teacher will think im a loony or something. A brief outline is that it's about a guy who isn't being himself after the death of his mother and is acting out, not being who he really is and the consequence(s) of that.

Believe me, it's dark O.o

Just thought i'd mention all that school stuff but with regards to my last post, thanks for all your comments, i read all of them, some a few times and they pretty much all said good things so thank you for that, your comments don't go unnoticed btw, i read every single one :)

I know im only 16 and i have loads of time to tell whoever i choose that i'm gay but keeping it a secret has just been getting to me lately. It's not good to keep things bottled up, it really does annoy me. Doesn't make things easier when all i hear everyday is talk about eradicting all gay existence and general crap :/
It just all came to a stand-still on Monday and i couldn't take it anymore so for anyone in particular that i may have upset im sorry, it all just came pouring out. This hasn't been a very good week so i'm sorry if i got on anyone's bad side.

I am a lot more composed now than i was on Monday tho, i have sat down and thought about things more rationally. All this crap is gonna come and hit me and i think it's only natural for me to get very fed up with it from time to time. There's not a lot i can do, as one person, to influence people's stupidity or ignorance, that's something they have to do for themselves so until they do change their views i just have to deal with it.
I have to develop a thick skin. Thought i had one already, just obviously not thick enough.

At the end of the day, and im thinking in terms of the bigger picture here ; when i finish high school completely, things will be much better. I will go wherever i go, be it college or university and i know that people there will not be like the people in high school. They'll be older and more mature for a start, and there will also be a more diverse group of people there, more open and accepting.
Things will get gradually better.
Christmas : Steven will leave, no more of his crap at school.
Next summer : More morons will drop out of school, increasing the number of us intellectuals 8-B
The summer after : No more high school, i can move on, be with smarter people and further my education.

Long term targets, yes, but realistic ones.
And i think that's what you gotta do, set yourself goals or else you are wandering aimlessly, not knowing what to do and where to go.
But im getting some ideas in my head now starting with those targets, and they're only the school ones, there will still be lots of others down the road.

Short term (not so much targets) : Family reunion next week and Muse at Wembley in September, two things i'm sure i will enjoy

Thought i'd end on a more positive note this time round :)


Hugs,
Rowan

I'm So Fucking Fed Up With School

Grrr, this is an angry post >:(

School has been extremely stressing lately. Honestly, after the exams i expected these 3 weeks before summer to be a slightly more chilling period.

Fuck that.

It's been absolutely non-stop work, homework, tests etc.
It's the languages that are the toughest. Spanish and French follow the same timetable so i am effectively following the same course in two different laguages. And, what's more, they don't consider each other when it comes to tests, my French and Spanish tests (on the last week before summer!) are on the same day, so i will have two lots of things to remember next Monday and Wednesday, not to mention the learning process that is involved there.

I've also come to the conclusion that my Spanish teacher is a bitch. She honestly doesn't care, she just throws the work at us and expects it to be done. I've also grown to hate her voice already and i've only known her for a week.
There are the good little things like Music and Media, i have new teachers in them and they're great but it's hard to focus on the good when there is so much bad.

What else is bad?

The usual i suppose. Steven's shit, other people's shit, everyone's shit.
I am fucking sick of it.

E.g This morning : I went to go sit at the table everyone was sitting at and i didn't sit beside him so he gives me a strange look and i just said "What, do you need to be with me every fucking minute of the day!?"
"Fine then, go sit at the gay side of the table, ya poof"
I know it was just an immature comment but i couldn't be bothered with him at all, i politely gave him the finger and told him to fuck off.

Another thing that's not school related is something else i've been thinking about a lot.
The old gem of coming out.

Next week (11 days) exactly i will be attending a big family reunion and i am really looking forward to it but i can see the questions coming from uncles and perhaps other cousins saying "Where's the girlfriend?" and such comments.
I just don't want to think about stuff like that but i can just see it happening, im 16 now, i should have a girlfriend.... apparently.
So naturally, such questions are expected.
Answers are probably expected by those asking the questions too.

So, i too, like JJ, ask the question "Why can't things be normal?"
I wish i knew, i do kinda but it's nothing new, just people's small-mindedness etc.
Anyway, i said ive been thinking a lot about coming out lately and i have been.
I dunno what it is, maybe being 16 has told me to get a grip, man up and do it, i've thought about it multiple times recently, i almost actually told my parents recently as well.
Something happened in the kitchen, me, mum and dad were having a bit of a laugh then dad says one of his usual ignorant comments, i don't know how it came about but it was something like "Yeh, a gay would do that"
And i was so ready to say "Yeah i know, i am gay"
All that isn't entirely accurate but i hope it's close enough for you to understand the point.

*sigh*

I just can't wait for summer, 7 more school days and i'm away. No more school....

But this is what's troubling me right now :

I'm sick of school.
I'm sick of everyone's bullshit.
And i'm sick of being in the fucking closet to virtually everyone in my life.


Sorry guys, i just needed to get all that off my chest :(


Hugs,
Rowan

What's Going On Just Now

Hey guys, i thought i would share this picture DJ drew of me a few days ago. You may have seen it, he put it on his blog.
I think it's a really good drawing, i have never had someone draw me before.
The picture the drawing is based on is about 6 months old and i would say i look a little different now (longer hair etc.) but i still think this is a pretty accurate representation. I love the inclusion of the bass as well, that was a really good and thoughtful idea, i love it. Thanks a lot DJ, the whole drawing is so cool in my opinion!

So, the World Cup has started. A certain big match is taking place this evening, that is England vs USA, but before anyone says anything, i am not supporting England in the tournament, i never have and never will. For the past two tournaments i have actually supported France and i am again this year even though they are crap. There are a few other matches on today that i would like to watch but i go a lot of homework to do. It's disgraceful really, back for one week after exams and it's getting piled on us. It's mostly the languages though, French and Spanish are following the same course at exactly the same time so trying to juggle the two at the same time is going to be really hard going next year, it already is.
So yeh, i have a load of French and Spanish homework but i also have this interesting English piece. We've been working on our own writing our own stories over the past few days in class and i think it's actually quite fun. There is the option between a reflective piece of writing, an imaginative piece or a combination of the two. Mine is purely imaginative and i must say, it's pretty dark. I haven't finished it yet but i already know it's going to be quite tragic and gloomy.
I'm not the best writer but if the feedback from my teacher is good i might post it on here, we'll see.

Anyway, all this homework will be out the way soon, only 8 or 9 school days left for me i think and only 13 days until the big family reunion that i have been waiting so long for, which brings me to another point. Lauren and I were discussing and we would like to do something which shows that we were there. Obviously, a picture (but not of the face) is a good idea, but a picture of what?
In fact, maybe not a picture, so if anyone can think of another good suggestion then feel free coz we both don't really have any good ideas right now :P

That's all that is really going on right now, haha


Hugs,
Rowan


Today's musical selection comes from Scottish rock band Biffy Clyro who i thought i would check out coz they have been announced as one of the support acts for when i go to see Muse at Wembley. My favourite song is called Bubbles, it's the big single off their new album but they have 5 albums total and there are some pretty good songs on all of them. Here is Bubbles, hope you like it :)

New Timetable + New Classes

I returned back to school on Monday for the start of my 5th year in high school. Just the way it works here, so we can get a head start on some of our work and also so we can adapt to our new timetables.
I'm only posting this on Wednesday now coz i myself wanted to see how things went before i commented.

To be honest, it's all rather mixed, there are good points and bad points. I love my English class, Louis and Alex are in it. There is also no change from last year in the respect that there is still a hot guy in my class to stare at :D
Not in the same class as Alan tho. In fact, our timetables are so completely different we're not in any of the same classes apart from PE :/

Classes i don't like so far would be French and Spanish. It's gonna be difficult learning two languages at the same time if the pace of both classes already are anything to go by.
Got homework for both of them after i finish this post. The classes themselves for both of them are pretty awful. In French i sit beside virtually the only person i know in the class, she's nice and we can help each other so thats good at least. As for Spanish, there are 16 girls and 3 boys (one of who is in New York just now, so there is only 2 of us)
Luckily i sit next to him but it honestly feels so isolated. The teacher is decent, especially as everyone we would be getting some other teacher who everyone hates, instead we got a younger teacher and she's from Ireland. She is nice but has a totally no-nonsense attitude.
I got a new teacher for Media too, again, there are only 3 boys but there are only 6 girls, its a very small class.
It looks like it will be quite tough too.
Lastly, new music teacher as well (ive just realised tht i have kept none of my previous teachers) and the same hot guy from my english class is in my music one too. Got some good other friends in the class also and although i really would have liked to keep my old music teacher, it and English are pretty much the only subjects i have no complaints about.

We have the regular PSHE, RE and PE classes, (still to do RE actually, that will be tomorrow) so that means that i cant avoid Steven unfortunately. I've managed to swerve sitting beside him in PSHE but he is still too close for my liking.

Oh, and double periods have been introduced, they last a total of 100 miuntes and they are utter hell.

Anyway, just thought i'd fill you in on all thats new etc. and also let you know that the teachers, even though the exams only finished last Friday, really aren't taking it easy on us. They all say this year is going to be a lot tougher than the previous one, they also like to remind us that "the next few weeks before summer are not a time to relax."

Thanks for that.

After scaling one wall over the past few months, a fresh, taller one has now been put in our way.

C'est la vie!


Hugs,
Rowan

Spanish Exam and More Cinema

Meant to post this yesterday but didn't for some reason.

Anyway, my exams are now over and i feel a sense of freedom somewhat. I will feel a greater sense of that in a few weeks coz i am back to school for the start of a new year on Monday. It will be a taster as to what my 5th year in high school will be like.

But that's Monday, my final exam (Spanish) was yesterday and it went pretty much without any problems. Louis gave me a lift to school and we went into the exam room feeling pretty confident and rightly so. The reading was easy, the writing was easy, only the listening proved a little difficult but Louis and I both feel confident of getting an A.

After it, there was a big meet-up of quite a number of people in the year for playing football and lazing around on the grassy area not far from the school. It was great, and one of the hottest days of the year so far. It wasn't hot when i left the house so i didn't pack shorts. Whoops. )I did get a little burnt tho, bit of colour in me hehe)
Apart from that it was great fun, just being with friends, having fun, celebrating the end of the exams. Steven wasn't even there!

He wasn't around today either! I got invited to the cinema again and without hesitation i accepted that invite. Alan was there, Louis was there, Alex was there and so were a few other people.
It was quite funny, i said to Alex i would meet him at his house and we would go down to the train station together. When i got to his house he invited me in for a game of football on his ps3, which, in the end, caused us to miss our train :P
We were just rounding the corner to the train station and we seen the train sitting there with the doors open, we ran full pelt to it but two seconds before we got to the doors, they closed and the train pulled away.
Since it didn't matter too much, we laughed about it, the next train wasn't long after that thankfully.
So yeah, we caught the next train and Alan got on this one too, sat beside him again :D
There were 7 of us today as opposed to 5 on Thursday but it was all good, great fun.
Like last time, i wasn't bothered about what we seen and it ended up being what we didn't see the other day - Prince of Persia, starring....Jake Gyllenhall, who also starred in....Brokeback Mountain :P
The cinema was a lot busier tho, so the 7 of us got a bit split up looking for seats, i didn't get to sit beside Alan again (one of these days i will!!!)

I thought the film was ok, although others said it was crap. As i said, im not bothered, i watch quite a lot of films so it would have to be really crap for me not to sit through one. I think i enjoyed The Losers more tho.
After the film, everyone just walked around town for a bit again, went into a few music stores and caught the train home. Another enjoyable day out i would say.

The past few days have been surprisingly social for me to be honest, its not often i got into town twice in a week and i have done twice in the past 3 days.
Just relaxing a little now my exams are over i suppose and what better way to celebrate than being with your friends?
I also want to thank all you guys for your support over the past few months, it has been quite a long slog but i'm finished now and all your kind words and encouragement have been most welcome, means a lot, so cheers!
But my cousin is now about to start her month of exams, so if you will please, be enouraging to her too coz exams can get pretty stressing but i'm sure she can do it!

I suppose you'll all be happy to hear that my exams are over as well, i know it probably got a little boring and monotonous reading about them all the time but it's all done now until next year :)


Hugs,
Rowan


Not a big fan of Status Quo but i recently found this fun song by them called Burning Bridges. It's a really cheery and sort of celebration sounding thing. Suppose you could say it's been my song for the past couple of days :P
Don't think it's very well known but i remember Muse played it as a little jam when i went to see them, i like it.

Cinema With Alan & Co.

Today was a pretty awesome day, as was yesterday in fact, it has been sunny for both and today i went to the cinema with Alan and a few other friends.

I should start from the start which is yesterday afternoon.

I wasn't doing much, sitting around jumping through a few social netowrking sites when i got a message from a friend named Paul asking if i wanted to go the cinema, i answered yes and asked who else was going and found out that Alan was so that confirmed my attendance!

I got a little sneaky here, i said it's all fine but to make things easier i need both his and Alan's mobile numbers but he told me he left his mobile back at his house. Ugh.
Don't fret yet, not long after this i got a text off Alan, i was like "Wooh!". So yeh, i got Alan's number yesterday, pretty good afternoon's work i must say.

But the main event was today. Firstly, i'll just say i did enjoy it, i had a good time but it wasn't as good as it possibly could and should have been.
I thought it was just me, Paul and Alan going but two other people joined us on the 15-minute train journey into town, where i purposefully sat beside Alan, who got a haircut! (NOOOOOO! j/k)
It actually annoyed me when the other two guys showed up, they're nice enough but my mind was set that there was only going to be three of us :/

So anyway, we got off the train and headed for the cinema, not even knowing what we were going to see (truthfully, i wasn't bothered) but the choices ended up getting narrowed to The Losers and Prince of Persia. Again not being too bothered, i blurted out "Oh, Jake Gyllenhaal is in Prince of Persia, he was in Brokeback Mountain too"

*mega facepalm*

I got the inevitable "Oh, have you actually seen that" No point in lying, i said yes but to my surprise everyone just had a joke about it.
I don't even know what made me say it in the first place....i know for a fact i wouldn't have said it if Steven had been with us but at least there wasn't any hassle over it.

Now....the movie itself lol. We ended up choosing to see The Losers. I tried my utmost to get sitting beside Alan but i couldn't and Paul took the seat next to him :(
Then, the screen projector failed right before the movie came on, things just weren't going right :P
But the movie was quite good, everybody seemed to enjoy it at least.

After the film we just kinda messed around town for a bit and got the train back home. While we were waiting for the train i decided to quietly observe Alan, mainly coz i don't even know if he is gay, i have my suspicions but this was a good a time as any to put them to the test.
Group of girls walked past, Paul said "check them out". I didn't. Alan didn't.
A few minutes later a hot guy a few years older than us with no shirt on walked past, im like "Mmmm" to myself, praying that Alan has a good look as well. Alan didn't.
That confused me a bit and made me think a lot, even if i'm not sure what to think about Alan.
Maybe he's really good at hiding that he is gay, maybe he is straight but doesn't really show that either or another thought that springs to mind is that he might be asexual (lack of sexual attraction) but how many 15/16 year boys would be like that?
It has also occured that maybe Alan doesn't even know for sure....
I'll need to try and observe and analyse a little more.
I might have a chance tomorrow, a big end-of-exam game of football is organised for right after my Spanish exam and he will be there too, although, coz we're playing football i might not get the chance. Ho hum.

Anyway, to round up, i suppose i was a little disappointed today that more people turned up than i thought, i also didn't get to sit beside Alan at the cinema and i still dont know if he is gay or not (he also got a haircut :P). However, can't just look at the negatives coz the positives outweigh them, i got Alan's number yesterday and had a good day out with some friends today. I'm sure there will be a different time to get to sit beside Alan some place and other opportunities to try and figure out if he might be gay :D (and that hair can always grow back lol)


And it's also exactly 100 DAYS TO MUSE AT WEMBLEY!!! XD


The countdown has begun :P



Hugs,
Rowan

June is Here, Yes!

This is going to be quite some month if all goes the way it should, particularly the end of the month which i will have to wait for unfortunately but it will be all worth it when the time comes.

The only bad thing about this month is the Spanish exam on Friday but it shouldn't be any hassle at all.
I'm back to school on Monday, which doesn't really bother me, i want to get back talking to people and friends again, it can feel rather isolated during the holidays sometimes. Also, when i return i will be in different classes so i will have a whole new timetable etc. so i look forward to finding all that out. I only have three weeks of that tho, coz this month also sees the end of the school year! Yay!

Anyhoo, then end of the month (plus a few family members birthdays in between) is what really shapes this month.
One of my cousin's is going to be 21 this month and the weekend on or after her birthday, me and the rest of my family will be travelling to London to surprise her. At first, it only was going to be us, but now it looks like it is going to be a massive family reunion :D
Lauren and her parents are going (well i hope both parents :P), my cousins who live in France and their parents will be going, other cousins in London will be there too, and lastly, my aunt and uncle who live in California are making their way across the pond to visit us. We only just received that news a few days ago so it really has turned into a big get-together and i seriously can't wait!

I remember one of my other cousin's 21st, or maybe 18th birthday that we also went to London for (a surprise again) and that was great, albeit a few years ago now and wasn't as big as this one looks to be. I got some beer too, so if that was a few years ago....*shifty*....maybe there will be more this time!
J/k

So the end of the month is what i view as like a big reward for these crappy past couple of months (in terms of school, that is). All aunts, uncles and cousins are set to be there and the last big reunion was March 2007, so it's been a long time, and also, from what i remember, the first reunion that doesn't involve the death of somebody....the last two were when my gran passed away then grandad.
I'm not a big believer in heaven and all that but i still think that when the dead move on they are watching over us in a way, so i am sure gran and grandad would be really happy to see everyone get together and have a fantastic time.

Also, this month has already got off to a good start and it's only 12 hours new. On Rhyn's blog, his most recent post was about him finding some pictures he came across at an anime convention he was was recently at. He got pictures for a few different people and i am lucky enough to be one of those and just there is the one he got me which i really like, so i thought i would share it on here too.

I really like it and i think it was really thoughful so i just want to say thanks to Rhyn and that i will print it off for now, maybe one day i can get my hands on the original copy, that would be great.


Hope you all have a great June!


Hugs,
Rowan





Queen <3